Friday, March 26, 2010

I was trippin' up the TV dial with my remote last night because that irritaing commercial with people dancing in the streets- all in the name of a chocolate bar, was playing for the umpteenth time.
Around channel 728, I came upon this slick looking, snake-oil selling kinda guy clutching a small burgundy-coloured bible in his left hand. He was saying something about it being simply hogwash to think that Jesus Christ had an affair- including doing the "hokey pokey", with that Mary Magdalene. Mary's the holy character in the New Testament that was put down as a common whore for centuries until the all-knowing Catholic Church elevated her biblical position to "friend of Jesus" a couple of years ago. Like they have the right to re-write biblical folklore when they can't keep their penises in their pants when it comes to young men. Abusing boys- altar or choir, to many Catholic priests (not all, I said many) is second nature, like sitting down to a rousing game of Monoploy.

I digress.

This God-fearing, Bible-totting commentator who wouldn't say "Gay" if his mouth was full of one, continues by telling the camera that Christ never had a child with her either. So there! He was almost spitting bricks on this point. Basically he chanted that his Lord would never, ever stick his ~ahem~ in Mary- or anyone else for that matter. "He is God!"- he says gently raising his voice so the infidels could get his point and take it on home. I mean he tells us that anyone who thinks Jesus rode the baloney poney with Mary is simple going to hell and has a dirty mind for Christ's sake. Now I sort of paraphrased here but the intent and the message is clear-isn't it?
I had to chuckle for the little guy with the close-set eyes, never mentioned the theory regarding Jesus may have been a little "foofoo" hanging with 12 guys for three years, splashing in the dead sea and drinking wine 'till the cows came home or that infamous "Fag-Hag" Mary Magdeline. She was probably out sandal shopping- again!
I mean for pete's sake he wasn't clear on the fact that Mr. Christ possibly preferred men- and so what if he did, but he certainly wanted to pound the point home that Jesus didn't pound Mary.
Not even once, just to see what it was like if he were mortal- which by the way, I thought he was until he ascended to Heaven.
Anyway this preacher fella was quite adamant that Christ was a clean living kinda 30 something gent that never had a dirty thought regarding sex- at least with a lady, on his holy mind.
Holy Cripes!
The things one learns while editing a chocolate bar commercial out of one's television viewing.


My Goodness! We've been spitting out vile thoughts against that American bitch-slag who came to our nice quiet country and told a Muslim girl to take a camel when she-the Muslim Girl, said she didn't have a magic carpet to ride on. Now, this right-leaning, conservative sucking bitch from the netherworld who seems to be consistently suffering from permanent PMS, wants to whine to our "august"- her words (who in the hell uses the word "august" these days??), Human Rights Commission to have them pat her on her contemptuous, thorny, right-wing, scale-covered back and say- "There, there the Canuks didn't mean anything by what they did or said, it's just our way when we fight the beast from Hell!"
Of course Calgarians- who we allow to think are real Canadians like the rest of us, are all there in the front row clapping like mad and stomping their feet- with drool dripping from the sides of their Reform-Alliance lips, believing they have just seen the Saviour of the world re-incarnated. Isn't it nice when people in a city in a province that begat Stephen Harper, can have a little joy?
Ok. I feel much better now.
Now open the hole that takes her back across the border and throw her in.
God. I am exhausted.

Yeah! Orillia is getting a Winners. I have heard shoppers lamenting the fact we were without a Winners for years now, so put on a happy face. You can shop at Winners come September. Oh- and another Dollar Store is opening right next door. Hey Tim Hortons! Are you gonna let there be more dollar stores in the City of Orillia, than there are Timmies? Come on. Get with the tour!

Oh My! Didn't Orillians teach that no-good local boy Gordie Lightfoot a lesson or two. That scallywag turncoat performed at Casino Rama last night and everyone in the Orillia Media- except Swisssh Radio and Swisssh the Website, basically ignored him.
I didn't see anything in the local papers- except for one mention from an online reporter- who isn't even one of the paper's local employees, that Gordon performed at Casino Rama and changed the lyrics to his famous song- The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. I didn't even see a mention in Swartzies' Column.
Taught you a lesson Mr. L.
Performing outside the "City Limits!"
How dare you sir! How dare you!
It'll take a month for the knots to come out of everyone's knickers.