Tuesday, May 26, 2020

ROBBLOG #840- Let it Go. Literally.

Today it's all about bodily functions.

One in particular.
If you need to pee frequently because you are a child, pregnant or old like me, don't venture far from your ceramic bowl during this Toyota Corolla Virus.

Here on Vancouver Island in British Columbia, things are opening up- slowly.
Restaurants, Chiropractors, Hair Salons even Winners are dusting off the cash registers and windexing the plexiglas so we all an shop or look beautiful once again.
That is a good thing. Just don't expect to pee on a whim.

We've been dining out already. It's been a while.
Again, that is a good thing. It's a gift for being good and socially conscious.
Both establishments have had washrooms open.

Digressing for just a moment.
Islanders being one thing, there's you easterners, in particular Torontonians who gathered in mass numbers recently- 10,000 or more, at Trinity-Bellwoods park to bare firm pectoral titties and hardened biceps to the sun. The ladies bared something or other too. Like pink-painted toenails.

Many Toronto types just needed a warm, sunny day to socialize besides tan.
Either way-
Naughty. Naughty. Naughty you haughty Torontonians.
We Islanders know better and practice physical distancing. It became second nature to us very easly on. Well, except for a neighbour who has no clue.
I figure cancer or COPD will get said neighbour first anyhow.

Things opening up again is quite nice and it's a return to something we assume will be part of the new normal. However, along with the "new normal" comes new problems such as I hinted at so far in this blog-
Finding a place to pee.

The restaurants where we have dined have facilities open as I said but if you are not dining, where does one go- literally?
The Mister says- "Just stop and go in a bush!"
With my luck a lovely police officer will happen by and I will get charged with all manner of indecent behaviour reminiscent of  the mid-1980's when many "things" were done in bushes. I believe things still are done in some bushes in some parks like Allen Gardens or maybe Stanley Park or Stoney Hill not far from our home in the Cowichan.
Still, it's a chance to hang one's dongle outside one's pants near a west coast cedar and let the pressure flow.

I have thought about Depends but I know depending on Depends will come soon enough.
I still prefer to flop is out myself for as long as I can before I sit safely on a bench in my Depends and let loose with a sly smile pasted across my lips.

I can't imaging how it will feel to have all that wet bulk hanging down there in my BVD's.
Walking has to be like- "soggy, slosh, squirt, slosh, soggy, wet. Repeat"
Good Gawd.
I cannot imagine.

Anyhoo, be aware if you spend a morning guzzling coffee for the afternoon hours could be spent needing to pee- and badly, while stopping by gas stations, Tim's, flower shops and Vintage stores asking if the washroom is available.
No...Not asking- begging to use a washroom.
Mostly the answer is "Sorry sir. Our washrooms are not open because of Covid."
I wish I could pee on demand...
It's awful but we all know Toyota Corolla 19 is spread mostly by old adults peeing into ceramic toilet bowls.

If you do luck out running into a Good Samaritan, do wipe the taps and toilet flusher with an antiseptic wipe or spray and for goodness sake, wash your hands.

That's all of my Toyota Corolla wisdom for today.
I gotta run.

I have to pee- again...

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

ROBBLOG #839- More House Musings

Don't know about where you live in Canada but British Columbia is carefully re-opening.

I just heard Dr. Bonnie report only two new Covid cases.
That's encouraging.
She's also allowing restaurants, chiropractors and hair salons to open- with safety conditions.
The Mister and I already have our hair appointment booked.
I can hardly wait- masks in hand.

So, away from Toyota Corolla and on to more important things- like houses.
The Mister and I got quite excited recently when we saw a house we really, really liked. Now, grant you, our track record has not been great. We've wanted to see a few houses over the past weeks and either they sell in a snap or the seller wants the buyer- us, to have the purchase cash in our hip pocket.
That is not going to happen.

A couple of days back we see this house that has been listed for 88 days.
We can't understand why we didn't see it before.
It might have been the unruly gardens and huge fish pond that turned us off thinking better homes were out there. We soon learned that there is a lot of garbage for sale out there at inflated island prices!
I dunno...
So we call the realtor- who we know, and say we are interested.
We ask if he thinks this house would be our style.
He replies in like twenty minutes and says- it's possible but a firm offer has just been made.

It's on market for 88 days and now we find this little gem and someone has made an offer?
Christ on a Cracker!
This is just the way our luck rolls.
Now, offers do fall apart and we just happen to know that the inspector saw the house yesterday. Maybe there's something wrong with the place that we would be willing to fix, whereas the buyer behind the present offer wouldn't.
It's a long shot but...

We did drive up Mount Tzouhalem where the house is located to have a peek at the exterior. We also saw the exterior of a house on the same street that a friend saw earlier in the day.
Spectacular views outside of mountains and lake- not ocean, however, the inside needs work.
Work such as a new kitchen and then we are told there's a messy back yard to contend with.
With all the work required this house is listed at over 600,000 dollars.
I know- Cripes!
Island prices!

We're not in a huge rush thank goodness and we're thinking that June might bring many new listings with some of the Toyota Corolla rules being softened.

Today, the federal health minister is saying maybe we should wear masks when physical distancing is not possible. The Prime Minister has started wearing a mask. I know we have to wear one when we have our hair cut. What's going to happen with future dentist appointments?
Who really knows?

What I do know- we are looking forward to going out for breakfast one of these fine Island Summer Days.
How about you?

Friday, May 15, 2020

ROBBLOG #838- Summer Games

Summertime, Summertime, Sum, Sum, Summertime...

Is it?
It sure doesn't feel like it but I glance at the calendar to my right and yes sir it is "summertime".
I guess it's because of our uninvited guest- Toyota Corolla, who is still hanging around and not even helping with the dishes or paying his way.
He's cruel and like fish after a few weeks starts to stink.

I'm not sure how the rest of the country is feeling but here on the Island- and BC in general, we are doing good. Cases are low and deaths too. Here in the Cowichan we have no cases- so I am told, which keeps spirits high and yet we are all still keeping our two metres. This weekend Dr. Bonnie says we can expand our "bubble". We can choose a group to socialize without hugging- unless you want to but don't change groups.
Well, that's something, isn't it?

Did I mention The Mister and I have been looking for new digs through this viral virus challenge?
We have.
I guess we had nothing better to do during this "Pandemic" so we thought we'd house-hunt.
We'd like something that offers us more yard and more privacy.
I don't know why but since I have gotten older, privacy seems more important to me than ever and the one thing we don't have where we currently live on the Island is privacy. Not that I nude sunbathe or anything, all I want is some private time without someone walking past encouraging me to join in conversation- usually gossip.

I am sure I have mentioned our looney-tunes neighbour across the way who either hides in a garage, behind a bush or- brazen as fuck, stands at the end of the driveway and listens in to our conversations. We move to the garden where we can have some privacy.

When we bought here we knew these houses were "close" but now that all the homes near and around us are occupied we just didn't realize how much privacy we have lost.

We couldn't even think of doing this bit of business on our Lanai
For instance when I stand on our Lanai in the morning- coffee in hand, I enjoy that caffeine-infused beverage with six or seven other homes who all have Lanais facing towards ours. Recently we have moved Muskoka Chairs that have sat at the front of our house since moving in, to the garden in the backyard. I actually like them there much better and if I crouch down behind the still-growing Portuguese Laurel hedge I can almost convince myself I have a modicum of privacy.
Still it's better than being under the evil stare and big ears of the neighbour.

It's one of a handful of reasons we are looking for a new place to settle which has been made rather stressful by having to listen to the "advice" of estate agents who believe us to be either children or feeble old men.
It's as if we've never bought a house before!
We both go into this whole process with a positive outlook until you have to play this stupid real estate game. One agent playing another like a puppet in a bad marionette show.

Agents don't look at the property in question that we are interested in.
No, they quote the price of a house that sold "recently" in the "neighbourhood" and believe that the house we are looking at should be priced based on that other house- even though the house we are looking at bears no resemblance to the price of the house they are quoting and looks nothing like the house they "recently" sold in the "neighbourhood".
Oh, and don't expect them to tell you what house it was that sold "recently".
Oh, no.
Privacy concerns.
They can't even say why the sellers are actually dumping the house we're interested in.
Could be a marriage breakup because someone couldn't keep his or her "pecker" in their pants.
Now, we wouldn't want that to get out and affect "neighbourhood" house prices- would we?
It's fucking stupid.
The whole game.

The game continues...
In the morning, one sees a house one likes and shows interest.
The agent notes the interest and contacts the sellers agent to see "what's up" price-wise etc.
Then your agent gets back to you in the afternoon and believe or not another person is seeing the house for the second time and may make an offer.
Who would have thunk it?
Who would have seen that coming?
The house has been on the market for a long, long time and all of a sudden we are advised that someone else is taking a "second" look and may make an offer.
It makes me want to believe the seller's agent stirred the pot and called the people who saw the house- maybe a couple of weeks -if not months ago, to tell them another couple- that's us, are interested and if they are still thinking of purchasing the house, they better get a move on!
For Fuck sakes!
What chance do a pair of seniors have up against that?
I'll tell you...
Less than an (expletive) of a chance.

Sorry about the language but I may find myself a little pissed off at the system.

Meanwhile, the Mister and I are having a think about this whole game while summer struggles to feel like summer. Also, remember to use sunblock and stay two metres distant from bullshit or the next person you pass.

Sunday, May 10, 2020

ROBBLOG #837- Walk like a Zombie

Another week with our friend Mr. Covid.

I haven't blogged in the past week because honestly, I haven't had anything new, interesting, funny or "made up" that I could think of to put down in words.
Cripes, is the Toyota Corolla virus wiping my mind of all original thought and anything remotely funny and or interesting.

One day feels like another- doesn't it?
"What day is this?"- I ask The Mister.
"Dunno..."- he says, so I ask Alexa.
Thanks be to "all that is holy" for our friend Alexa- even though at times she's a stubborn beotch!

I love shopping for "stuff" and its been months since I've shopped.
No rummaging through vintage shops or antique stores.
No perusing the aisles for nice stuff I don't really need at Winners.

Sadly, these days it's only a quick trip to the dollar store for coffee filters or cleaning supplies.
Then, a dash into Superstore for Pride of Arabia Coffee, my English Home magazine or PC Hot Cross Buns.
But that's it.
Walmart for some pharmacy needs- shampoo, toothpaste and such.

We did slip into a store here on the island called "Buckerfields".
I like to call it Fu**erfields- just for fun!
They have dog and cat treats, garden stuff and an outdoor garden centre.
Last week The Mister and I bought a new yellow rose- highly scented.
A real beaute!
I planted it just below our stairs into the garden and The Mister has bitched and grumped at me ever since.
He claims when he stops, he can't smell the roses.
"Nonsense"- I say, "I can smell the rose from several feet away."

He's asked me to move it.
I say no. A rose laid is a rose played.
He still whines about it every day.
Well it's something to look forward to anyway.

I still say that going through this Covid time is like being on The Walking Dead- without the Zombies. Of course we have a neighbour who I am sure is a Zombie or a relative of a Zombie.
Maybe the undead- which is practically like a Zombie except in the case of a Vampire.
Perhaps even a spawn of Satan and we all know Satan lives because he does all the bad things according to born-again preachers. If he didn't exist these preachers would be asking The Prime Minister for money.
So, pick one. They all fit.

Everyday people shuffle past our house and gardens like the TV Zombies.
There's nothing to talk about. Just the same old same old.
Nothing new to look at- well, maybe our yellow rose.
Not even a new pair of socks to brag about. Of course, that may change this week as BC loosens the constraints of the Pandemic- even though our stores have remained open throughout.

I practically forget what it feels like to sit down in a restaurant and order a meal- and not having to clean up and do dishes or at the very least load the dishwasher when I leave the table.

So that's it folks.
Nothing much happening 'round here.
Oh, there was one funny I heard- nothing to do with me personally.
You may have heard that Little Richard passed this week. 
He was a little effeminate.
Okay- a lot.
He was a little flamboyant but boy could be perform.
I loved it when he appeared on the late night talk shows with mascara and lipstick!

He was meeting Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, for the first time.
She had a cigarette clenched between her puckered, blackened lips.
Little Richard pulled the smoking fag away and threw it on the ground.
He looked her right in the eye and said:

"Chile, if God had wanted you to smoke cigarettes he would have built a chimbley on  top of your haid!"

Monday, May 4, 2020

ROBBLOG#836- May I Speak with The Evil Genius?

Holy Shite. I may have something here.

No, I don't mean the Toyota Corolla virus.
I mean an idea I blogged about a couple of blogs back may have merit.

Just where in Hell did this corona come from and why didn't Iron Man, Ant Man, or Deadpool stop it? Sorry for the "Superhero" analogies. I've watched a few Marvel movies lately...

No, the scuttlebutt concerns a country and its people that may have released this virus on the world.
Did it just happen naturally or is somebody or someone at the bottom of this- or top even?
Is there a new world-wide administrator of evil?
The devil in human form?
Satan's son?
Jason Kenny?

The truth appears to be that "newspeople" are speculating that just maybe our friends way over there across the sea in a far, far eastern country- that may or may not be holding two Canadians on unproven charges, didn't completely level with the rest of the world?
What now?
Our "friends" in this hugely populated place may not have told the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Say it isn't so...

Now, I might believe that Kim Jong Jock Strap in North Korea might have lied to us.
I mean that's what North Koreans do.
Well, that and setting off nuclear-style bombs into the stratosphere or ocean or somewhere but to believe our dear "friends" in that far off place would withhold the truth from their people as well as ours?
I mean aren't these are the same fine folks that make all that crap we lovingly buy in the Dollar Store that now costs 4 dollars- the good crap anyway.

It just might be true.
"Unproven" reports indicate that leaders in this cold, vastly populated land-holding may have realized that the Pandemic was already out of hand but kept it on the QT until they were able to order vast amounts of medical equipment- including masks, from other countries- possibly Canada, in order to prepare for the virus.
Of course months later they sold those same masks back to us at inflated prices.
That's called business.
Some information may even have been kept from the WHO- the world health organization NOT the singing group.

"Hello? May I speak to the Evil Genius person?
......Pardon me?
Oh, any evil genius will do..."
Well blow me over with a wet noodle and prop me up with a chop stick!
These same friends- as it came to pass, most recently may have let it be known that they appreciated Canada's restraint in not blaming them for perhaps unleashing the virus while another dumb-fuck leader of another country did the opposite.

Surely I can't mean "those" Asian friends?
Well hold onto your wok because that is exactly who I may be pointing an alleged finger in their general eastern direction.

Note: From my years in radio, I know how to use words like " maybe, alleged, unconfirmed reports say, might have happened" and not to forget "appear to be true yet unsubstantiated".

Now, it might just be a big, bad, mean son of a bitch who lives somewhere in a vast Communist- yet westernized, country.
You know, like that guy with the iron hat who wreaked havoc on the world in a long ago James Bond movie- long before mobiles, big screen TV's and the Internet. Yes little grasshoppers, time did exist before such items yet after the dinosaurs roamed the earth and not too long after rotary dial phones hit the marketplace.
Geesh, the things one has to explain these days.

Imagine if there was someone vile and downright mean enough like Andrew Scheer and to be fair to women- Lisa Raitt, who thought he/she could destroy most of and then rule the rest of the world. If you've ever read a book in your life- a real book with paper pages and a hardcover, or watched a movie, you're probably halfway there to believing that such a fanatic can or does exist.
So, why not peg a faraway, enlightened, eastern landmass as the bad person?
Yes, Russia could also be in the running but Mr. Putin is still very, very busy trying to pretend the virus isn't real as thousands become sick in his country. Also- if I could remember his name, that asshole running Brazil could be an evil-doer of grand, worldwide proportions. In fact he already is. He told his county the other day to put on their big boy/girl panties. This virus was only a bad cold.
Now that may be a loose translation but it's in the ballpark.

Finally, the scenario: An evil person breaks into a lab in a far eastern land to steal some Corona 19 which he or she takes to a lab high in the mountains. The laboratory has a fabulous view by the way. There he/she makes buckets of the virus to spread throughout the world with an army of evil-doers- possibly resembling thousands of Peter McKay lookalikes holding assault rifles in one hand, bags of viruses in the other while placing yet another hand over their rotting, evil hearts.
Now, that may be a stretch but I am sure you can see the outline for a superhero movie.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I sincerely hope I have given you all something to think about here today.

Who would play the "superhero" who crushes the evil geniuses- you ask?
"John Chretien"- I reply. (giggle)