Wednesday, February 25, 2015


If you don't watch medical dramas on TV-like Saving Hope, because of the blood, you may not appreciate my little fable- Rob*

David threw off his bed sheets and dashed to the kitchen to flick the switch on his coffee maker.
He stood looking out the patio doors, scratching his balls and patting his six pack, as the percolator gurgled and sputtered hot coffee into the insulated carafe.

He poured a mug of Arabica and returned to the bedroom pulling on a tee shirt and track pants. He was still barefoot when he opened the man-door into his garage. This was the day of his long-awaited party celebrating nothing. It was just a party. Cocktails and food. A new recipe he was anxious to try.
David was excited. He liked to entertain and this was his chance to show off his culinary talents as well as his new family room furniture and his 80 inch smart TV.

Grabbing a three-step stool he climbed on top, reaching for the extra martini glasses he kept in a box on the top shelf. As he did so, he nudged the axe which was resting on the top shelf next to the glasses. It dropped off the shelf, falling like a lead balloon, slicing his left arm off at the shoulder.
Blood spurted everywhere.
So, thought David laughing to himself, it was going to be one of those days. He climbed down off the step stool and stuffed an old rag that had been lying on the second shelf next to the turpentine, into the gaping hole where his left arm was once attached to his body. Most of the blood stopped gushing down his chest but it has soaked his track pants on coloured his bare feet a deep burgundy red.

Picking up his left arm from the garage floor, he placed it on the bottom shelf next to the windshield washer fluid. He'd deal with that later. He had tonight's party to think about.

David carefully climbed back up on the step stool gripping the shelving unit with his good right arm as he climbed. Once again he reached for the box of Martini glassware on the top shelf- this time with his remaining good hand and arm, pushing the box slowly to the edge of the shelf. He grabbed it and placed it firmly between his right pectoral and bicep.
He started down the three steps.
As he did, the rag he had stuffed in the gaping hole in his left shoulder, caught on the teeth of a wood saw that was hanging- albeit precariously, on a nail on the front of the shelving unit. The rag entangled itself on the teeth of the saw, flinging it off the nail towards David's body, causing it to slice his right arm off just below his tricep muscle.
Oh fuck David thought! Now, just how inconvenient is this. Of all days for this to happen!
He shrugged and picked up his right arm- that had fallen into the blue recycle container, with his teeth.

Yuck. He hated the taste of blood and besides he had just been to the dentist for a teeth cleaning the day before.

He sat himself down on the floor near the garage door, behind his apple-red PT Cruiser. It was a much brighter red than the blood that was pooling on the floor around him. David shimmied out of his track pants and using his left foot- the same foot he used to easily self-manipulate his penis, he stuffed the track pants into the gapping wound on his right shoulder, stopping most of the blood that was draining from his lean, well-muscled body. His blood ran onto the cold cement floor and pooled under the car's tires.

"Damn and blast!"- he cried, kicking the front left PT tire with his right foot.
As he sat there naked from the waste down and without arms, he noticed he was feeling a bit light-headed. He kicked the tire again in frustration. Suddenly, the PT Cruiser began to lurch backwards towards him and the garage door,
Egads and Shit!
David had forgotten to set the emergency brake when he parked the car in the garage the night before!

The Cruiser lumbered towards the door and David who was sitting on his ass in front of it!
In seconds, the tires rolled across both his legs, slicing one off below the kneecap and the other above his upper thigh. David had to admit he was feeling a bit of discomfort but at the same time as he sat there on his hard, athletic asscheeks, he was mad enough to slap his one good thigh with a clenched fist, until he remembered- he didn't have fists anymore. Why hadn't he remembered to set the parking break. He was starting to feel sorry for himself when he remembered his party that evening.

Great he thought, now I'll have to "bum" around for the evening...

Sunday, February 15, 2015



Cripes it's cold! It's been unrelenting for what?...the past 4 weeks. The good news is...there's no good news. Not a plus side temperature in site through the end of February!

Those Canadians who packed up and left for Florida or Arizona are lucky. Yes getting up in the morning with the temp only about 5c is cool but look at the alternative- minus 41c!! There's also the hope that you might see the high teens of even 20c by afternoon.
I could handle that.

Our friends on Vancouver Island- in Sidney, saw 11c and sunshine yesterday. Today much the same.
I mean- that's bearable. Good for a walk, a bike ride, a roller blade or maybe even a coffee in the brilliant west coast sunshine. Here in Orillia if the temp hits 11c, the boys have their shirts off and it's Speedo weather! I hear you can actually watch the sun set over the Pacific without freezing your knockers off!

Not much you can do in frigid weather. Walking is tough- unless you only go out with just your eyes peeking out. At what temperature do eyeballs freeze? Better wear sun glasses or goggles to be safe. Walking the dogs is a no-go and letting them out to do their business has to be "operation quick sticks"!

Hard to believe it was a green Christmas a few weeks ago. It was too warm to have the fireplace on.

We had a Valentines Dinner at Cedar at the Casino. The breeze wafting across the Box Office lobby from the entrance was chilly. Hot coffee helped.

So my friends, we have to hunker down for a while yet unless you are able to jet away for a spell. Just one problem, you'll come back to frigidity soon enough.
That almost ruins the time you spend away.

I know this is a short blog but I gotta run.

I have to throw another tree on the fire!

Sunday, February 1, 2015


My Niece and her wife are in Cuba.
Friends of ours- they just happened to meet while frolicking in the warm Hispanic waters, are also in Cuba. Small world.
My Sister and her Husband are somewhere in Florida- since the day after Boxing Day.
My Cousins are in the Port Charlotte area on the Gulf Coast. They left in early January and return in April. They now own their own place- after a one month stay to try it out back in November.
Tom and I are sitting in the bone-chilling cold of Orillia, Ontario, Canada.
I dunno. I just asked him that question
He said it was because of our two dogs and two cats and the requirement of a house sitter.
Poor, lame excuse!
This from the fellah who just got back from London's 10 degree Celsius temps.
Not a heat wave but 30+ degrees warmer than here.
Earlier in the week he was in Mainz- not far from Frankfurt. Some forsythia blooms were out.
Spring is coming to Europe.
Winter's chill remains here in Canada.
To be fair, on Vancouver Island in both Victoria and Sidney, temps are 10+ too and the sun is shining most days. In a couple of weeks buds will start to burst and tulips and other spring plants will peek their heads above the earth.
 Sidney B.C.
Don't believe me?
Got to and look at the webcams.
I had high hopes that this might be the year he retires and we look at our future. A place away from this damn cold and snow. The year 2015, I know, is not over. I am talking the "seasonal year".
When it's minus something, I rarely venture outside. Add the feeking unbelievable wind chills we've been experiencing this winter and I turn on both fireplaces and zip up the thermostat and slip into a bare of shorts. I have a vibrant imagination and I believe I can feel the trade winds on my face.
The winter-lovers- those bastards, tell me that our green Christmas was but a month ago...
Oh go F*** yourselves.
I say that with all the love in my heart which at -27 is not much.
Well, what more can I say?
At least I got it all off my mind...and it is February after all.