Tuesday, May 21, 2013


Oh Hell’s Bells.
What is going on here?
God, where are you in our time of need?
Of wait…
There is no God. We are on our own.
Thank God for that!
However, being Godless in this world still doesn’t explain the outright craziness that oozes from some humans. What is wrong with folks? Did you see these stories recently?
The Pope performs a “drive-by” Excorcism on a young child.
Mayor Rob “Piper” Ford smoking crack and calling Justin Trudeau a “fag” on video?
Some right-wing guy blows his head off at the main altar inside Notre Dame in Paris.
So, the Pope- although the Vatican flatly denies it, stopped alongside his Popemobile
and placed his hands on the side of a young boy’s head, causing the young boy to spurt out a demon or two. Catholic priests are good at placing their hands on the side of young boy’s heads. They’ve been doing that for centuries. Now this particular lad apparently had four of these fellows stuck up inside him.
~no, it’s just too easy. I shan’t go for it~
A former Pope dispensing with the "hands on" approach and going for the "gusto".
Note to readers: Only Catholics have these demons because only Catholics believe in these Catholic demons. You have to be told they are there to believe one has taken residence up inside you, unless of course you’ve seen the movie- “The Exorcist” which basically makes you a Catholic- especially if you’ve watched it several times over the decades or have had a priest take your head in his hands…
~no, I can’t say it…ahem~
Rob “Piper” Ford- that’s what the homies call him I hear, is now a film star. Not a dirty porno kind of star, no this Mayor stars in an instruction video that shows folks- who are unaccustomed to doing crack, exactly how to light up and enjoy the buzz. The video even allows listeners to hear how they too can make hateful remarks against notable Canadians such as Justin Trudeau while at the same time defiling the Gay community with the lovable term “Fag”. In this instructional video, Rob can be heard discussing the merits of minorities on the high school football team he coaches on City mayoral time.
The producers of this film who are waiting for a buyer willing to fork over $200,000 are planning their next production-  a video on how to correctly place a rubber on one’s “John Henry” while one is high as a kite, starring Rob Ford. The production is having start-up problems however, as no cameraman has the guts to step forward and say he or she is willing to film Ford’s wang.
The Main Altar in Notre Dame (Photo by Rob Reid)
Finally, take a beautiful, world-renowned Cathedral like Notre Dame in Paris, fill it with tourists marvelling at its architecture and historical significance (Joan of Ark was placed on trial in this famous place) and top it off with a right-wing nutball who can’t get his head around Gay Marriage and Gay adoption. This nutball- who goes on to prove that nutballs are good at committing suicide, performs a repulsive act, so repulsive it’s even more repulsive than Gay Sex in a Conservative right-winger’s mind. Instead of asking for someone to explain it to him or talking to a Gay family or two, this nutball sticks to his Catholic Dogma that Gay Marriage will promote the end of times and pulls out a gun. He places this gun in his mouth like a loaded penis, proceeding to blow his brains all over the nice, Catholic carpeting, sending tourists screaming for the exits.
What has been proved?
That “Scotchguarding” a carpet is the right way to go?
He has proved that many people- Christian people, forget about “love, understanding and acceptance” no matter what some hateful, kiss my feet and call me “God” person says.
I swear if St. Peter pats him on the back at the Gates of Heaven, and says:
“Good Job Catholic, Right-Winger Guy!” I’ll go on a hunger strike.
I need to lose a few pounds anyway.
Crazy stuff?
You be the judge.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013


On Bleeker Street with Blanche and Jane

Jane: Holy F%$# Blanche!!
Blanche: Now calm down Jane Dear. Whatever is the matter?
Jane: The LCBO might go on strike. ~puff-puff~ Where the F%^# will we get our booze?
Blanche: Jane, it’s not the end of the world. I am sure the Baptist Bootleggers will have plenty!

Jane: You think so? ~drag~puff~puff~
Blanche” ~laughing~ Oh Jane Dear. I guarantee it! Some things never change…
Jane: Like?

Blanche: Like right-wing Baptists, booze ~pause~ Oh and their denial of their homosexual tendencies.
Jane: What the frick are you saying Sister Dear? Are you calling them right-wingers sinners?
Blanche: Oh that would just be a start. They’d like you to believe they’re pure as the driven snow.

Jane: You mean like the Mormons?
Blanche: Exactly and a dozen others too.

Jane: ~drag~puff~drag~ Catholics?

Blanche: Yes, them too but the Catholics don’t really consider drinking- and BINGO, sinful.
Jane: They don’t?

Blanche: No Jane Dear but just try to tell them they have Gay men in the Priesthood.

Jane: ~puff~puff~ What happens then?

Blanche: Well, all H E Double Hockey Sticks breaks out!

Jane: Thanks for this little talk Blanche. I think I’ll make a few phone calls.

Blanche: Where to- a Baptist Church or the LCBO?

Jane: First to the Liquor Store to see if the strikes just a big fib and then to the Baptists! ~puff~

Blanche: Oh Jane Dear, you crack me up.

Jane: Only if I can find a stick big enough Blanche. 


Saturday, May 4, 2013


A Bunch of Old Folk Bumble their Way Through Sadie Flynn
ORILLIA (Staff) A group of age 50 and 60 plus old folks- all claiming to be actors, will throw down their canes and walkers and perform the hilarious Norm Foster Comedy- Sadie Flynn Comes to Big Oak starting May 30th at the Stubley Auditorium at St James in Downtown Orillia. 
The Garage Door Players have been entertaining locally for a decade now and although many of the members of this close-knit troupe still claim to be young and vibrant, the proof is in the pudding- or should we say pablum!
“It’s the first time such a bunch of old cronies have attempted to keep up the pace and present this engaging comedy” says Director Rob Reid- himself an old fart. “We’ve had some problems with actors dozing off mid-dialogue, excessive flatulence and forgetting rehearsals- stuff like that. However, the most annoying of all is the constant smell of Mentholatum Deep Heat Rub and peppermint losenges that permeates the rehearsal hall’s air.” added Reid. “We open a window from time to time and spray some Airwick around- Lavender scented, yet still the air quality’s a little dubious when an actor or crew member lets one go.” 
Reid says that some rehearsals have had to be cancelled mid-way through, due to the gaseous fumes in the room. The Company has been asked not to light matches or rub two sticks together at any time during the rehearsals. “There’s no telling what could happen if there was a spark at the right moment. When you look at the ages here...”- he says with a twinkle in his near-sighted eyes, “You can see the problems of old age and sedentary ways make rehearsing a challenge at times.” 
Most playwrights- whose works are performed by all ages, are unified when they say that the theatrical world does not and should not discriminate against old theatrical companies-such as The Garage Door Players, due to age, saggy breasts, trousers hitched high to arm-pit level or flatulence during shows. One playwright’s representative did say that during a comedic piece a perfectly timed fart can add to the frivolity of the evening, although it is quite the opposite of a basket of sweet smelling primroses. Quite the opposite indeed. 
Getting so many old people together consistently in one spot has been a trial. Being old herself, Sadie Flynn’s Producer Andrea Lee-Burnet says if audience members squint during the show, the actors will all look like they’re still in their late 20’s or early 30’s. “It’s quite an easy thing to do really- squinting, not to mention closing one’s eyes altogether, since there’s barely a set. A vibrant Imagination will come in quite handy”-claims Lee-Burnet, chuckling madly. 
Stage Manager Thomas Ruechel- who’s much older now than when you started reading this article, agrees and says that the difficulty he has doing an "Old Folks" show like this is to keep..um...to keep...“Give me a minute now, the thought will circle back...” says Ruechel.  
~time passes~ 
"Oh yes! The difficulty is in keeping the stage lighting at a decent level that does not accentuate the actor’s layer-upon-layer of pancake makeup and red lipstick- especially on the men. Sometimes the actors doze off, miss cues or take pee breaks during a scene but we plan to cut those interruptions to a minimum by making sure the cast gets a good rest prior to the show, have younger back-stage personal pushing them on stage at appropriate cues and having a stock of Depends at the ready.” 
This group of old codgers take to the stage for evening shows at 8PM (or as soon as they’re ready) May 30 to June 1st and for two Matinees June 1 and 2 at 2ish.
Director Reid points out that the Matinees may have a late curtain since many of the actors take a nap about the same time as the curtain goes up. A couple of them become dis-oriented as well and it takes a few minutes to explain the situation. We are going to add Red Bull to the pre-show tea and see if that helps any.”- he adds. 
Tickets are $20 and on sale at Flowers by June in the Laclie Street Plaza. Groups of 10 or more get a $5 discount per ticket. Groups should call 705.329.7282 for booking a reservation.