1 hour.
Hee Hee.
Ho Ho.
LOL
Hardy Har.
Guffaw.
Who are they kidding? I speak of the company “Uni-Flame” who made the claim that their Bar B Que could be assembled in as little as one hour.
60 minutes??
That’s what it says just before step one in the 18 step instruction manual. It took us just over two hours- not counting the time taken to open the box and all the packing inside. We laid out the various parts while reading the manual and understanding the job ahead. For the most part- save for a few words at the top of each step, it was a picture.
A sketch.
Sometimes the picture wasn’t that accurate. Like up around step 15 when we realized that we must have missed something in the translation. Checking back we did miss something at Step 12. It was a little black arrow pointing in the direction where the propane hose needed to be shoved. If someone from the company had of been there with us, I would have suggested where they could “shove their hose”.
Since we were doing this alone- without the help of an experienced professional standing there, peering over our shoulder, nobody was told where to shove anything! Looking back those few steps and undoing a few nuts and bolts made perfect sense. It could have been a real time saver had we seen that tiny, black arrow the first time around.
It might have been interesting had we called the 1 800 helpline. Would we have had the opportunity to speak to someone in China? Pakistan? Somewhere in America or someone here in Canada who would have to deal yet again with two inexperienced Bar B Que assemblers.
Had I called to talk to someone I would have come clean right away.
It might have gone like this-
“Good Afternoon. Uni-Flame customer service. My name is Gwendolyn. How may I help you? “
“Yes, hello Gwendolyn. My name is Rob Reid. May I call you Gwen?”
“Of course, Mr Reid.”
“Uh- Rob, please- if you don’t mind.”- I said with glee.
“Not at all. Rob, then. What can I do for you?”
“Well, Gwen ~umm, ummm~ I have bought a Uni-Flame Bar B Que and I am having a
bit of difficulty with Step number 15.”
“Yes Sir. What is your question?”
“ It’s about…well...the uh- black piece of…rather…Oh shoot Gwen Honey, I can’t figure out where
to shove my hose!!”
“Oh!”- says Gwen rather surprised!
“As well Gwen, I must tell you first and foremost you are talking to a Gay man with no
appreciable assemblage skills of any way, shape of form. In fact I usually pay to have someone do this
or any type of assembly.”
“Goodness”- says the Operator, “ Rob, I understand completely. Nothing to be ashamed about.
However, I must tell you that you have just surpassed my level of customer service ability. You need
someone much more proficient and yet gentle. Thank you for telling me that. I’ll get the big gun for this
one!!”
“Well, if you think it’s best.”
“Yes Mr. Reid- I mean Rob, I do. I will pass you over to Lance.”
“Lance? Oh, I hope Lance has no accent of any kind. Does he speak loudly and clearly and adores Liza
Minelli and Hugh Jackman? If Lance is anything like that Gwen, it would be very, very helpful.”
“Of course Rob. Rest assured that Lance is all that- and more.”
I started to smile.
“As a matter of fact Rob- and I shouldn’t tell you this but- we call Lance “Stud” around the call centre.
He’s just what your hose needs!”
“You’re the professional Gwen. Thank you. Nice talking to you!”
"And you too Rob. Stand by and I’ll get “the Stud”- I mean Lance, straight away..
~pause~
I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. No offence Mr. Reid.”
“Non taken. Nice talking to you and I just know that Lance can tell me where to plug my hose!”
“I have no doubt!”
~Tee Hee~
“Stand by Rob. I’ll connect you at once. ”
Let’s stop that scenario right now or we may find ourselves “hose deep” in “soft porn”.
Needless to say, I didn’t have to call and the mistake was discovered in a timely fashion and finally step 20 was there in front of us- attach the propane canister. It was smooth sailing from there.
We cut up the cardboard box and deposited the Styrofoam in a clear plastic bag for pickup the next recycle day. Then we took out a steak and a couple of pork chops, to slap on the new grill for dinner.
They cooked to a turn and the evening proved to be warm enough, that we sat under the gazebo and admired our new Bar B Que as we dined.
