Tuesday, December 20, 2011


Dear Virginia Adams, 

It’s your “jolly” friend Santa Claus here from the south end of the North Pole.

My stars Virginia!
Things they are really humming here at the North Pole workshop.
I just happen to have a few minutes to myself, so I thought I would write you. Mrs. Claus has brought me in a nice cup of hot coco and a shortbread cookie- fresh from her oven, so I’m sitting here in my great big leather chair with my feet up on an overstuffed elf…er…I mean…er…mean ottoman, resting- before the nuttiness starts again in about an hour. 

Oh Virginia. We are finally on schedule and the sleigh is being loaded as we speak. It takes several days you know my Darling. It’s a very large sleigh and I have an even bigger bag.
Ho! Ho! Ho! 

Now Virginia Adams, speaking of Ho! Ho! Ho! I was reading today where some boys and girls in this ragged old world of ours have this notion that Ho! Ho! HO! Is a secret sign for “666”- the sign of old Beelzebub. You know 6 letters. 6-6-6.
Imagine, the Devils numbers hidden within my Ho! Ho! Ho!’s.
How preposterous- wouldn’t you say Virginia Adams?
Why, the very idea! 

Oh but it doesn’t stop there.
Oh, my no!
Some of these same scallywags claim that my first name is an anagram for Satan!

Oh for cripes sakes Virginia.
Santa’s name with a hidden name?
In this case “‘Satan”?
I know it sounds quite unbelievable- doesn’t it?
The very idea that I have a tail growing from my bottom and horns sticking through the top of my head…
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Now that is a good one.
This Santa is really Santa. The real deal.
Why if you believe anything other that even for one second, you might was well say that Ronald McDonald is the son of Satan- what with all that freakish clown makeup and big shoes, not to mention that horrible, scary smile. 

I have to tell you something Virginia Adams.
That sucker makes me shiver.
Maybe it’s his red hair.
Maybe his never-ending appetite for Big Macs.
Maybe his happy-go-lucky persona.

I mean for goodness sakes Virginia Adams, even old Satan…er, I mean Santa has an off day now and then. Oh yes, I have been known to curse and swear and kick little bunnies in their hole, in the ground. Oh, I cut the heads off flowers and call Mrs. Claus all sorts of disrespectful names.
Does that make me a bad man?
Does that make me seem like Satan? 

Good Golly Virginia Adams!
No way.
I’m just as nice and loving as the next snake-in-the-grass….I mean human.
Ho! Ho! Ho!

Now, I am just pulling your tail Virginia Adams. 

Santa never does any of those things. That’s Satan and we all know he lives in Hell and all his followers will eventually go to “Hell in a handbag”- even the Mormons.  

Well, Dear Virginia Adams, by the hairs on my chinny, chin, chin- and there are many, my break is just about over. I had better go back over to the workshop and see what’s going on.
Those elves better be hard at work or there’ll be the “devil” to pay. 
Have a good one and maybe I’ll write once more before Christmas. 

Your servant,

Satan Claus. (Only kidding...)

Ho! Ho! Ho!