Friday, December 30, 2011

ROBBBLOG #360 N E W Y E A R' S Edition



My reflections on 2011 and looking ahead for 2012.

If 2011 was bad for you, things could get worse. Yup, come December 22- according to the Mayans, the whole world as we know it will come to an end. What a bitch and it’ll be right in the midst of the busiest week for Christmas Shopping in 2012. So, don’t be too hard on yourself if 2012 looks gloomy. We all could be going to hell in a handbasket!

So how were the holidays?
Good here for Tom and I.
We had tons of fun with friends- mostly agnostics and Atheists it turns out. No family involved to speak of but thank goodness for some of Tom’s Family. At least we got some calls and a chance to catch up- with many of the calls coming from Europe, out west or from eastern Ontario.

Our audio Holiday Greeting was a big hit! We heard back from many who received it. On Christmas Eve afternoon Tom and I just went into the Swisssh Radio studio, turned on the mics and just talked. It was fun and from the heart.
For me personally, I never heard from any member of my family.
Not so much as a Christmas How Do You Do.
Not one.
Pretty sad you say?
Not really.
Everyone marches to the beat of a different drummer and right now our beats are not in sync but I have come to realize in these past couple of years that I have to look out for myself- and I am doing just that.
Sometimes I feel alone until I talk to friends who are in similar situations.
One friend’s Mother- not unlike my own, told him she didn’t want to see him for Christmas.
My Mother on the other hand,  just didn’t have time for me, telling me she would be seeing “The Family” on Christmas Day.
That’s right folks.
I am chopped liver in a Santa hat.

Another friend’s Mother told her that she liked her brother better- even though he has some drug problems. She abruptly told her that if she separated from her father, he could have her and her sisters and she keep the brother. There was more to the story but you get the idea.

Another friend said he could never imagine treating his kids that way. Just the same- time marches on.

2011 was pretty good. We spent a few days in New York City at the end of March and saw a trio of shows including attending Opening Night for the Book of Mormon. We went to Paris- twice, once in May and again in late November early December. We travelled to Mainz Germany for the Christmas Market first of all and from there we took the train- first class no less, to Paris. It was a memorable trip.
Hey!
I turned 60 in July.
Yikes!
Tom booked me a party at Casino Rama. It was fun! I had a bunch of guests. The food was great- especially the cake. All Chocolate and the most expensive Birthday Cake I have ever had! I asked people to donate to the University of Guelph’s Veterinary College which they did.

I was in a summer theatre show in Gravenhurst, which was totally terrific. Then I wrote a new show for “Hank”. It was going to be a goodie but a couple of days after coming home from Paris, I cancelled it. Why?
Lack of interest.
Too much work for too little return. I mean, I have to pay my actors.
Guess I lost about 500 dollars on that one.

Now there’s 2012.

Swisssh Radio will be 5 years old on March 7th. What does the future hold? It would be grand if Canadians actually started to listen to Internet Radio but it’s just happening in dribs and drabs. As in Terrestrial Radio, money is sparse in Net Radio. All I want to do is pay for my servers and station upkeep but some months it’s hard to make ends meet. It’s a great hobby running my own station but I’ll never get rich!
Thanks to Don, Heather, Charles, Jeff and Sue, Todd, John and Jack (for a new Computer and monitor) who all help the station sound so great week after week!
We’ll be travelling again this year. As a matter of fact, we are making plans right now for several trips during 2012. Now that’s something to look forward to, eh?
Tom will continue to fly for Air Canada, even though I would prefer him to retire. However, he still likes it and it does keep me in the manner to which I am born!
Only kidding for pete’s sake!

Our kids are all in good health. Kiki turned 15 ½ in December. She’s doing just fine and we hope she continues to run and jump and stay with her Dads for many years to come! Missy- our Schnauzer, was 7 in November while Dickens and Doyle- our orange puddy cats, turned one in June. We have had them for one full year as of September 19th. Bringing up kittens was a real eye-opener but now they’re a part of the family at Pine Tree House.

So that’s where I am.

I hope you have the best year of your life in 2012. Look out for yourself because no one else will. Hold those close who are supportive and don’t fret about those who go in a different direction. It’s the circle of life and life’s just too short waiting for people to give their head a shake. Keep to the centre path and friends and family will find their way back if it’s meant to be. If not they’ll take that “forever” detour.
Just keep tending to life as you always have and always will.
Happy Holidays and a sincere wish for a Happy and Prosperous New Year 2012.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

ROBBLOG #359


Happy Holidays everyone!

Peace on Earth. Goodwill Towards everybody- men specifically.
So, what's this?
Religious types not getting along and loving one another?
A report today says :

"A brawl has erupted between rival clergymen participating in an annual cleaning ritual at the church built at Jesus' traditional birthplace. Armenian Orthodox and Greek Orthodox clergymen screamed at each other and beat each other with broomsticks during  cleanup inside the Church of the Nativity."



It may have gone something like this-

Priest: You stepped onto my part of this Holiest of  Sanctuaries!

Clergyman: Did not?

Priest: Did so! Look the toe of your sandal is touching the tile on my side on my side of the Lord's church as we speak.

Clergyman: That is my tile on MY side of the church. I have my toe on my tile. You are mistaken monkeyman.

Priest: You dare to call me monkeyman when one can plainly see your toe- which is an ugly toe in even more ugly sandals, is plainly corrupting my side of this beautfil place of consecration.

Clergyman: You would not know a consecrated spot if Jesus came up and bit you on the hairy behind to say to you- "this is the spot!"

Priest: How dare you!

Clergyman: Furthermore I have been told by many of my brethern that I have beautiful toes!

Priest: Hah! For certain that is a laugh! Now move your filthy, toe-jam encrusted tootsies from the Lord's favourite side of the Nativity Church.

Clergyman: ...and just who died and made you Pope you pinhead!

Priest: Brother I will take my staff and smite you if you continue to diminish my person!

Clergyman: You dickweed, that is not a staff you hold in your heathen hands, it is but a broomstick.

Priest: A holy broomstick that I will take great pleasure- along with God's Holy helping hand, to ram up your devil of a backside.

Clergyman: You are not worthy to ram that stick of the broom into my backside.

Priest: Pray that I don't, Brother! Pray that I don't!

Clergyman: Brother, you do me great dis-service but still I bless the tiles on which you stand- and stand quite heavily for thou art of the sow-like shape.

Priest: Bitch!

Clergyman: Satan's Broom holder!

Priest: Buggerer!

Clergyman: Lady Ga Ga lover!

Priest:~whack~ now remove that toe or I shall anoint you with my stick once more.

Clergyman: ~ouch~ Bastard! (turns to his fellow clergymen and cries aloud) C'mon girls let's lay a few broomhandles on this filthy tribe.

~crack~...~whack~....~slap~...~smack~...~hit~...~bitch-slap~...~whomp~

Oh Little Town of Bethlehem, How still we see thee lie...

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

ROBBLOG # 358



It's been quite green.

West Coast green- and mild. Sure there's been a skiff of snow here and there
but nothing earth-shattering. So, for this holiday blog I present lyrics sung to the tune of "Blue Christmas".


A Green Season

I'll have a "green" Season without you.
I'm thinking green grasses about you.

Decorations hang limp on my tall balsam tree.
It's not the same Dear with no snow I can see.

And then when "white" snowflakes start falling
That's when ski re-sorts will be calling.

Till then, we take flight,
With our skiis where it's white-
'Cause we have a green, green, green season.

Yes, we'll not see the white
As we ride on our bike
'Cause we have a green, green, green season.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

ROBBLOG #357 H O L I D AY Edition


It’s the Holiday Season.

Christmas.
Hanukkah.
Yuletide.
Saturnalia.
Saturnalia? Be patient and read on!
December 25th.
Santa Claus.

So how did it all start?
If you play to the tune of a Christian Christmas, you believe that Christ was born in a Manger in the village of Bethlehem. Shepherds and Wise Men- angels too, attended the birth.
Probably the afterbirth.
Wait!
That doesn’t sound right does it?
Anyway, it was quite the party in that cozy little cave in the wall. The cattle lowed and the sheep baa baaed and Mary and Joseph simply stood there gazing down at the Christ Child wondering what they got themselves into, what with raising a child in those days and all. A wonderful little story filled with Love and Peace.

Then there’s Hanukkah.
A Saviour-less holiday since members of the Jewish Faith are still waiting for the Messiah- even though the musical was written years ago. This Hanukkah is all about oil that burned for 8 days and nights. Hanukkah commemorates the rededication of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean Revolt in the second century BC. Now Hanukkah moves around some. It can be celebrated at any time from late November to late December so one never knows when to take Hanukkah Holidays.

It can be confusing but when it’s Hanukkah time one lights the Menorah, spins the Dreidel, eat Latkes and attends Synagogue.

Ever heard the real story surrounding December 25th from the scholars? From History. History is the documented facts concerning things that actually happened when they actually happened.

It seems the Roman Pagans celebrated the Holiday of Saturnalia. It was a week- long funfest celebrated from December 17 until December 25th. There was widespread intoxication, singing door to door (sounds familiar) only in Roman times they did it in a state of nakedness. That may also sound familiar and much more interesting.
Getting naked and singing!
Well, we’ve all been there- haven’t we?
There was lots of sex too and why not? What would a Roman Holiday be without rape and sexual freedom?
Cookies were also consumed along with copious amounts of wine.
Okay. Now, this is really sounding familiar.
Unfortunately, on the downside, the holiday also included human sacrifice too. Seems that was a way of life back then, whereas today our “Human Sacrifice” is all about drinking and driving or shooting someone in the street…and the Conservatives still want to repeal the current gun laws. It’s not like shoving someone to the lions in the Coliseum but it has parallels-doesn’t it?

Then in the 4th Century- after the Manager Scene story in Bethlehem, Christians decided to use the Saturnalia Festival, hoping to convince the Pagan masses to turn to Christianity. The Pagans were promised salvation and were told they could continue to celebrate Saturnalia as part of being a Christian.
Did it work?
Nope.
Well, not entirely.
The Christians were successful in concluding that Christ’s Birthday was actually December 25th-not sometime in the dreary month of February.

That’s right readers, mortal man decided that the Son of God was born on December 25th, not some Angel descending from the Heavens. Although, again it’s a nice story and who doesn’t love an Angel? We all have them and can hear their voices if we just take the time to listen and believe. Even though December 25th continued to be the Birthday of Jesus those pagan practices- like stringing garland around the house continued, resulting in the Christians having little effect on the merry-making during Saturnalia.

That continues today. Oh we call it Yuletide, Christmas or the Season to make Mary but it still has roots in Saturnalia.

Finally, Santa Claus.
Santa began his life as a Saint.
Many of us follow that same course. Why if I told you the number of times someone has said to me- Rob, you’re a “saint”.

Nick was a Bishop who eventually turned into the red suit-clad man who lives at Canada’s North Pole. Oh, the Swedes and Americans try to claim him but he is really a Canadian!
Once again History tells us the story of St. Nicholas. Europeans brought him to Canada.
Vikings dedicated places of worship to him. Columbus named a port in Haiti after him back on St. Nick’s Day – December 6th in 1492.

When the Protestants revolted in the 16th Century, St. Nick almost lost his place in history. The Protestant Reformation didn't take too kindly to Catholic Saints and tried to erase St. Nick from the record books. They weren't successful and according to history the Puritans may have been partially responsible for entrenching the enduring story of Santa Claus into a more secular observance of his message of love and peace and gift-giving. The regular folk just loved the idea of St. Nick it seems.

Today's image of Santa Claus is a combination of the poem written by Clement Clark Moore- "A Visit from St. Nicholas" as well as commercial artists from over the past 100 years. So, there you have it. That's how we ended up with this December celebration that may of us refer to as "The Holidays".

Here's a wish that you and yours will have a Holiday that will be Merry and Bright. Enjoy the quiet splendour- if only for one day. Shake a hand. Send a smile. Give a hug. Enjoy and celebrate this time on earth- for it's a short ride.

Merry Christmas! Season's Greetings! Happy Hannukkah! Happy Holidays!

Friday, December 23, 2011

ROBBLOG # 356



Dearest Virginia Adams, 

Guess who?
That’s right. It’s me, your old friend Santa Claus up here at the North Pole- south side.I told you I would write one more time before Christmas Eve and Santa hates to disappoint his fans. 

Well, things are at full tilt today!
We have another million Smartphones to assemble and package.
Twenty thousand wagons to paint “candy-apple” red- at last count.
Two Million green sweaters have yet to be knitted.
Dozens of cookies have to be baked and chocolates placed gently in their respective packages. 

Do I get tired of all the last minute hub-bub?
Not on your life Virginia Adams!
Santa loves it!
I love it all.
I thrive on it because the end result is terrific. 


Oh, but I would be remiss if I didn’t thank the millions of helpers worldwide who run toy drives and replenish the food banks. It’s a sad tale to be sure but even Santa’s dollars stretch just so far. I try to be fair to everyone around the world but to be scathingly honest Virginia Adams, it is just such an overwhelming task that I am more grateful than you can imagine for the help and dedication of Santa’s Helpers. 

They do good work every year and most do it with very little or no thanks.
These “helpers” have such big hearts. Many have very busy lives themselves, yet they find the time to help out in any small way they can.
Ho! Ho! Ho!
My Stars, I am so proud of them. Each and every one. 

Say Virginia Adams, Mrs. Claus tells me she’s sending a special package to you this year. Let me see. It’s something about a new cookie that she’s testing for next year. She has given me explicit instructions as to where to keep the package on the sleigh and she has reminded me to leave it at your house on the table to the right

of the fireplace. I certainly hope that table is in the same place as last year- and the year before that. I don’t want to spend extra time looking for it. The schedule is very, very tight. 

The “head” Elf Roger has just come into my study. He wants me to inspect some wooden rocking horses the Elves in Workshop 173-B have just competed. I am sure the work will be top notch and although I know I don’t really have to check their work, the elves appreciate it when I stop by for a look see and a bit of a gabfest.

Ho! Ho! Ho! 

So My Dear, this is the last opportunity I have to write you .I certainly hope you are looking forward to the rest of the holiday season and may Peace, Love and Hope fill your heart forevermore. 

I know you’ll be sound asleep when I slide down your chimney Christmas Eve but in the odd chance that you’re still awake, I would be very pleased to see you and say hello in person. We could chat a bit while I work. I am looking forward to enjoying a delicious chocolate chip cookie that you leave for me each and every Christmas. 

So, take great care, Virginia Adams. 

Until we meet again,
Your friend- always,


Santa Claus

Thursday, December 22, 2011

ROBBLOG # 355



It’s Hanukkah. The Festival of Light.  Eight days of gifts. 

It’s Christmas too. More lights and presents. 

It’s also the Holidays/Christmas for Non-Seculars, Agnostics and Atheists too without the God or Jesus references. Think back in history. It was originally a Roman Pagan Holiday when those in Rome did as the Romans did and strung pine and berries here and there and made merry- or Bruce, depending on who was available and willing. When the Christians were trying to have folks grab onto the idea of Christianity, they figured if they stuck Christmas on a holiday that was already on the Roman Calendar, they could at least ride on a few Roman coattails- or Togas, expecting a few lambs to drift over to the new church by osmosis. 

This year, it’s also Christmas for “Progressive Christians”.  Progressive Christians are a growing number of people who have also gone past the Jesus and God thing and look for Peace and Love Forevermore- without God, Jesus or someone from the pulpit on a Sunday morning telling them this is good, this is bad and this is how you must find redemption. 

For me personally, I call it and celebrate Christmas.
The Holidays. Yuletide. The Festive Season.
Christmas means Santa Claus.
Christmas means Charles Dickens’- A Christmas Carol.
Now there’s one of the finest stories and lessons anyone could get from a book.
Any book.
Then there’s that beautiful little story about a family forced to pay heavy taxes on a meagre little salary and trek miles and miles to pay the piper- or at least the Romans. We all can relate to that as Canadians. Our tax burden is heavy. Relating to Santa Claus is easy and St. Nick doesn’t expect us to bow down and pray to him. He just says- Be Nice. Be good to one another….and clean your room!

So, just where do I stand in the above list?
Well, I admire Santa Claus and his message of “love” but his “naughty” list is a bit much- isn’t it? Once upon a time, I considered myself “non-secular”.
Agnostic at best.
It was easy to say- “I’m an Agnostic.”
It’s a bigger decision to say- “I am an Atheist!” 

Yes boys and girls, I have now firmly crossed over to the Atheist side.
I feel good about that and I am not alone. I am amazed at the number of people I know who think the way I do. It comes easily too. Many people who feel this way have never picked up a book on the subject or read a Theological Essay. Last week, I read that 25% on Ontarians are Atheist or lean towards Atheism.
Wow! That’s a bunch of folks. 

Atheists are known for saying things like- 

You know, God doesn’t exist, so relax and enjoy your life.
or
You know it’s a myth, so this season- think Reason. 

Picking up a verse from our Jewish Friends and Hanukkah, they say this time of year is a Festival of Love, closeness, happiness, success, health, peace and joy in your world and always. 

Amen.
I mean ~ahem~. 

Well said and all without a speck of “Jesusism”. Actually, there’s no God in those words either. As Humans on this planet earth we can all aspire to every one of those things- without the help of a Grand Deity placing fear in our hearts for what happens when we all lay our heads down for a long, winter’s nap…in this case I am referring to “death” not the Clement Moore Poem.

Christians live their entire lives worrying about being dead.
What is going to happen to me when the lights go out?
A new beginning that’s what happens.
A beautiful beginning. 

Picture this scenario after you pass on. You will feel a floating sensation and feel and see a bright welcoming light. You move forward. Suddenly an old friend or family member- let’s call him “Moe”, greets you with an outstretched hand and a warm smile. Maybe even a song. You grab his hand and shake it firmly as he looks you straight in the eyes and says to you- 

“Hey Welcome! Good Gosh! You spent your entire life worrying about what death is like didn’t you- and here it is- nothing to worry about. You’ll see. Oh- don’t worry about all that worrying”- they’ll say to you.

“All of us here worried a major part of our lives away too. Now, we all wish we had of just enjoyed life and had of been good to people and smiled and laughed little more.” 

That’s how simple it will be.
At least that is what I have been shown and told from those who have passed on.
It was unsettling to hear this and see fleeting images of the next plane- at first. Now It feels quite natural when I “hear” from someone who has crossed over. Oh, they’re not long conversations, just fleeting moments and good vibes. 

Actually, that’s what this whole season is about.
Moments and Good vibes.
Laughter. Love. Togetherness.

Now, a final word about this togetherness thing.
It’s not all it’s meant to be.
It’s like reaching for a star.
We wax poetic about the perfect Family Holiday Celebration.
I suspect few experience it.
I certainly don’t from my family.
Once, I suppose I did but today the best thing to do is take some time and reflect on what has been and what is to be.
Simply do what makes you feel happy and content.
Do what makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.
If you reach the “warm and fuzzy” plateau this Holiday Season, you have attained something that many of us don’t.
We all strive for it but “life” can just get in the way- religion too. 

So, this Christmas Season, smile at a stranger. Hug someone. Kiss your dog. Shake hands with the cashier at the dollar store and wish them the best of the Christmas Season. Just don’t worry about the final journey. 

Now, that’s what Christmas should be!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

ROBBLOG #354



Dear Virginia Adams, 

It’s your “jolly” friend Santa Claus here from the south end of the North Pole.


My stars Virginia!
Things they are really humming here at the North Pole workshop.
I just happen to have a few minutes to myself, so I thought I would write you. Mrs. Claus has brought me in a nice cup of hot coco and a shortbread cookie- fresh from her oven, so I’m sitting here in my great big leather chair with my feet up on an overstuffed elf…er…I mean…er…mean ottoman, resting- before the nuttiness starts again in about an hour. 

Oh Virginia. We are finally on schedule and the sleigh is being loaded as we speak. It takes several days you know my Darling. It’s a very large sleigh and I have an even bigger bag.
Ho! Ho! Ho! 

Now Virginia Adams, speaking of Ho! Ho! Ho! I was reading today where some boys and girls in this ragged old world of ours have this notion that Ho! Ho! HO! Is a secret sign for “666”- the sign of old Beelzebub. You know 6 letters. 6-6-6.
Imagine, the Devils numbers hidden within my Ho! Ho! Ho!’s.
How preposterous- wouldn’t you say Virginia Adams?
Why, the very idea! 

Oh but it doesn’t stop there.
Oh, my no!
Some of these same scallywags claim that my first name is an anagram for Satan!

Oh for cripes sakes Virginia.
Santa’s name with a hidden name?
In this case “‘Satan”?
I know it sounds quite unbelievable- doesn’t it?
The very idea that I have a tail growing from my bottom and horns sticking through the top of my head…
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Now that is a good one.
This Santa is really Santa. The real deal.
Why if you believe anything other that even for one second, you might was well say that Ronald McDonald is the son of Satan- what with all that freakish clown makeup and big shoes, not to mention that horrible, scary smile. 

I have to tell you something Virginia Adams.
That sucker makes me shiver.
Maybe it’s his red hair.
Maybe his never-ending appetite for Big Macs.
Maybe his happy-go-lucky persona.

I mean for goodness sakes Virginia Adams, even old Satan…er, I mean Santa has an off day now and then. Oh yes, I have been known to curse and swear and kick little bunnies in their hole, in the ground. Oh, I cut the heads off flowers and call Mrs. Claus all sorts of disrespectful names.
Does that make me a bad man?
Does that make me seem like Satan? 

Good Golly Virginia Adams!
No way.
I’m just as nice and loving as the next snake-in-the-grass….I mean human.
Ho! Ho! Ho!

Now, I am just pulling your tail Virginia Adams. 

Santa never does any of those things. That’s Satan and we all know he lives in Hell and all his followers will eventually go to “Hell in a handbag”- even the Mormons.  

Well, Dear Virginia Adams, by the hairs on my chinny, chin, chin- and there are many, my break is just about over. I had better go back over to the workshop and see what’s going on.
Those elves better be hard at work or there’ll be the “devil” to pay. 
Have a good one and maybe I’ll write once more before Christmas. 

Your servant,

Satan Claus. (Only kidding...)

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Monday, December 19, 2011

ROBBLOG #353

 Merry Christmas

We went to the Big City on the weekend to see Mary and Zelda.

Mary as in Mary Poppins The Musical at the Princess of Wales Theatre and Zelda as in Zelda’s- one of our favourite “Gay” Restaurants.

Mary Poppins was a true delight. Colourful costumes. Memorable songs with terrific dancing and sets. Mary gets an A for the productions. Many Canadians were in the cast too. A nice change from an All-American Casting. If you want to see Mary before she grabs her umbrella and flies away, you’ll have to do it before December 31st. 

Zelda’s has terrific food! The restaurant used to be on Church Street in the Heart of the Gay Village but she moved to Yonge Street- at Isabella, a couple of years ago and she hasn’t looked back. Affable servers who are always in a good mood- even when they’re “bitchy” and fabulous, freshly prepared food and desserts. Zelda’s martini’s have a it of a bit too. I had the Zelda’s ‘Bitch Slap’. Proud Mary (a Gay term for a Gay man) was a close second.

Tom and I shopped in a favourite village store first before walking over a block to Yonge Street and Zelda’s. I was able to sneak in a small gift for Tom as well as buying my “Manly Man” Colt calendar for 2012. The calendar I usually buy was out of stock- and no wonder- WOOF! I substituted another-still Colt Men, not the same but it’ll have to do unless I get down to the city again or order online. At this point in my life, if you’ve seen one naked man on a calendar, you’ve seen them all.

Ummmmmmm.
Wait.
That’s not exactly true.
Many men differ- if you get my drift but basically the parts are all in the same place and are strikingly similar in appearance. Yes Dear Readers, “they”- by that I mean dicks, do come in all shapes and sizes! 

So it was a nice afternoon.  

Driving home we drove along Church Street to Davenport Road and cut across to Avenue Road. It was a fairly quick drive north on Avenue Road but as we neared Lawrence Avenue, there was a slowdown. We could see flashing lights in the distance.

“It’ll be a R.I.D.E. Check I said to Tom.”
He was driving because I had sampled a Zelda’s Martini as I said earlier. He was the “DD”.
No worries here.
So eventually we got to the front of the line of vehicles and Tom rolled the driver’s side window down as the Officer approached.

“Hello, Sir. How are you his evening? Have you had anything to drink?” 

“No.”- says Tom, “I am the Designated Driver”. 

The Officer looked to me in the driver’s seat and asked if I had been drinking. 

“Yes sir, one Martini!” I held one finger aloft. 

“If he’s the designated Driver, I would have had more than one!”-said the officer!

Would you like to try a test anyway?

“A Test?”. For what I wondered. 

“A test to see where you would be alcohol in your blood-wise. You aren’t driving, so you don’t have to said the polite officer. 

“No. I think I’ll pass. We have to drive all the way home to Orillia and we’re running a bit late. We have R.I.D.E. programmes in Orillia, so maybe I’ll try one there sometime.” 

“You have R.I.D.E. Programmes is Orillia?” He seemed surprised. 

“Yes, always at this time of the year especially.” I added. Good Gosh, how far in the “redneck boonies” does he think we live?

He wished us a good evening. Tom thanked him for being out on a cool night doing what he and the other officers were doing. We both said “Merry Christmas”!
We drove along Avenue Road towards the 401.

“You know, that was strange that he asked to try a test- just for fun and for my own information.”- I said to Tom as he took the ramp to the right and 401 West. “Something tells me that once they have you do that you are in the “system”.  

To what purpose I don’t know but I was glad I passed on the nice policeman’s kind Holiday offer to blow up a balloon or two. Maybe that’s when they check registration, driver’s licence, personal ID and maybe that’s when they come upon the occasional bank robber or lapsed Catholic.
I dunno.

The rest of the drive home to Orillia was uneventful.
Clear roads.
No snow- except around Barrie and
No more R.I.D.E. programmes.

Orillia had already rolled up the streets by the time we hit the West Street Exit about 9:30 PM.
Home Sweet “redneck boonie” home!

Friday, December 16, 2011

ROBBLOG #352 W E E K E N D Edition


Dear Virginia Adams,

It’s me. Santa Claus…again.
Things are hopping here at the North Pole Workshop.
Ho! Ho! Ho!

I never get used to the hustle and bustle. Does that surprize you My Dear girl?
Sometimes, I just have to put my feet up in front of the television and sip away at a creamy hot chocolate made by my Dear wife- Amelia.
Ho! Ho! Ho!
Bless My whiskers!
You would know Amelia by her professional name- Mrs. Claus. Oh Virginia Adams, she is much more than Mrs Claus. These days she operates an Internet Business.
Buying and Selling she calls it.
I don’t ask too many questions but she seems to be at her office computer at various times throughout the day or evening. Sometimes early on a North Pole morning I hear her race from our bed mumbling something about Toe Key Oh’s open. I guess it’s for some secret door up here at the North Pole- that “key” I mean. As I said Virginia Adams, I don’t question Amelia’s Business dealings.
Oh no!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
She does quite well for herself. Why last year she bought a new BMW- Beamer she calls it. She had snows installed and that things goes like “saxophone spit”.



Now you may wonder Virginia how far one can get driving in the snow here at the North Pole.
My stars! The media sometimes blows our weather all out of the dickens.
You see we live on the “south” side of the North Pole, so our winters are quite “balmy”- like Windsor or maybe even Victoria on Vancouver Island. It’s easy to get around the highways and bi-ways here at the Pole.
Ho! Ho! Ho!

Say, Virginia Adams, I see on the Weather Channel and when I listen to Heather and Rob on that Swisssh Radio Programme- The Morinng Show at Night, that you have no snow down there this year.
Goodness Gracious Grandma!

Virginia Adams, if you are speaking to any of the young folk, please tell them not to worry. Old Santa has special wheels on his sleigh and even the reindeer have had tiny little wheels attached to their hooves for just such a situation. As a matter of fact Virginia Adams, as this world of our warms up bit by bit some of my technical elves in the transportation sector of the North Pole Workshop- Building 252-C, have come up with some pretty amazing ideas to not only circumvent this globe of ours but also to figure a way to keep my sleigh safe- both aloft and on the ground. So tell the kiddies not to worry. We’ve got it covered.
Ho! Ho! Ho!

Now Virginia, time grows short and I love these little talks we have together. I feel so close to you ever since you sent me that special letter a few years ago. My goodness when I read it aloud every Christmas, it just sounds as fresh as the first time these tired old Santa eyes opened your letter and read the contents.

I had better be on the run now.
I mean that literally Virginia Adams.
Your Old Santa runs a couple of “km” every day. Good Golly and a glass of Eggnog, it seems to be working because I feel as young as I did a hundred and fifty years ago!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
I bet you didn’t know that, did you my Dear Virginia?

So now, you take care Virginia Adams. Finish your Christmas Shopping and enjoy every minute of it. Give to a few good causes this season and give the ones around you that you love the most, a bigger, more special hug. It’ll hold you through every day of the new  year.
Good Gravy.
Take care and I’ll write one more time before my big flight.

Your friend,
Santa.