While driving home from a road trip last weekend, I saw a truck turn onto a dusty driveway approaching a man standing on his front porch- wearing only a pair of black shorts and what appeared to be "army boots". The following story came to mind in that moment, explaining what he was doing standing there in the first place.
Elmer stood half-naked on his front porch, his sweaty barrel-chest glistening in the late morning sunshine.
He had pulled on a pair of black cotton shorts- the one’s with the big hole in the ass, slid bare-footed into his scuffed up army boots and grabbed a brewskie and stepped outdoors onto his porch.
“Nothing like a summer morning.”- he said as he slapped his ample stomach. “Still hard as a rock!”
From the crab apple tree in the front yard came the sound of birds- happily singing. On the dirt road 50 metres from where he stood- farmer tan and all, huge trucks carrying gravel from pit 39, thundered along. The sheer weight of the trucks on the road caused the dishes in the kitchen cupboards of his trailer home to click and clunk in unison.
“Ethel”- he screamed, “Get the hell out here and enjoy this wonderful day Jesus has given us. Christ woman, you’ll sleep your life away!”
“Elmer!” The voice came from inside the turquoise blue, alcan-sided, 14 foot wide trailer. “Why don’t you just pull your butt cheeks over that huge cake-hole of yours and swallow your big mouth!”
It was “the wife” hollering from the bedroom at one end of the trailer.
“Damn it Ethel, Ruben will be here any minute!”
“Just keep your freekin’ pants on you redneck bastard. I got to put a brush through my hair and slip into my housecoat!”
Here Missus don’t you go being all neked under that thing. I know your game woman. You’ll let the front door slip open and Ruben can see all God gave you.”
“Yah- and what?”
“Damn it woman. You are one holy mother of a slut! He is my brother ya know! ”
“Elmer if you ever want to climb into my bed again, you’ll know it’s about time to zip it!”
“She-at!” Elmer mumbled softly. “Always get beat by a woman just because she’s a-holdin’ that patch of forbidden fruit.”
He turns his head to the left and spits an early morning gob, just as a hardy gust of wind rushes around the corner of his trailer home, lobbing the spittle back all over his chest.
“She-at! Cripes. Holy Mary!”
“What you saying out there Elmer. It better not be about me!”
“It isn’t, so just calm yourself Ethel!
He mumbles again- “Damn woman got ears like a cat and is slimy as a snake.”
As Elmer looks out over his little garden of Eden, a rusty, red pickup comes into view. He watches as it turns into the drive throwing clouds of dust skyward as it approaches the trailer.
“Well I’ll be damned. Hey Ethel! It’s Ruben. My brother. Damned if the old weiner-wacker ain’t early!”
“I’ll be there in a sec Elmer! Keep your hat on!”
Elmer jumps down the three steps from the porch and yells to the advancing pickup-
“Hey Rueben, ya wanna beer you old F’er you!”
From the cab of the truck Rueben yells back-
“For Christ sakes you big fat dick-eater, let me park this thing first!”
“Hah, hah, hah!” Elmer slaps his bare chest. “It’s good to see ya again- ya old fart! How’d you’d like a piece of this huh?” Arms outstretched, Elmer displays his half-naked, sweat-soaked body.
“Not if you were the Goddamned Pope himself you dirty old geezer of a brother!”
The truck comes to an abrupt stop in a cloud of sandy smoke and Rueben steps out.
He’s wearing an undershirt up top- more grey than white. It’s tucked into a pair of skin tight black jeans with holes in both knees. His massive, unwashed feet are strapped into a pair of brown leather sandals. Although his gut is nowhere close to the size of Elmer’s, it forces the front of the undershirt to strain just a bit where he tried to tuck it neatly into his jeans.
“You old corn-holer. I cain’t belive you made it!” barks Elmer as he slaps a big palm right square against Rueben’s shoulder. “How ‘bout that beer now?”
“Holy Mother of God almighty, give a guy a second. I’ve been driving since 5 o’clock this morning and I need to take a dump so bad- I kin taste it!”
“Well you best go out back, behind the trailer, cause Ethel plugged that commode up solid the day before yesterday and we still cain’t get a plumber to rooter-root the damn thing out!”
“What am I supposed to do? Hang my big ole ass out next to a tree?”
“Ain’t you just the big girly-boy, since ya moved down east to the city. Hell, just prop your ass up against that big old oak tree over yonder by the stone fence and let loose. Or have ya gotten to citified to be a country boy agin? ”
“Christ you are really a back woods asshole- ain’t ya…”
Suddenly Ethel stumbles out the front door with her housecoat hanging half open. Her tits swinging this way and that.
“Why Ruben Cartwight. Look at you, you big hunk of man you. C’mere and give your sister-in-law a big old dirty hug.”
She throws her arms open wide, releasing the front of the housecoat entirely.
“Now look at yourself Ethel”- Elmer shakes his head in disgust. “We get some company and you come off looking for all Heaven and Hell like a two bit tart. Cover those things up!”
“Elmer- just shut the hell up and let me give old Rueben here a Dalrymple welcome.”
“Shit. That’s okay Elmer. Calm yourself down bro. Don’t bother me a bit. Hell, I seen worse than that every night in the city. Come on Ethel, let me hug those big titties of yours.” He runs up the steps to where Ethel is standing on the porch.
“See Elmer. We all ain’t prudes!”- she says as she starts hugging Rueben’s neck and kissing him square on the lips.
They hug and kiss roughly and at great length- much to Elmer’s chagrin.
Elmer climbs up the steps-
“Now just let that man be Ethel. He’s gotta take a dump real fast.”
“I suppose you gone and telled him I choked the toilet the other night.”- she says angrily as she peaks around Rueben’s big shoulders.
“I did- ‘cause you did. That’s a fact!”
“Well that’s a little private and ya didn’t need to go spreadin’ that to our guest you big, fat arse of a man!”
“Now. Now. Now!”- says Rueben holding his hands up in the air to stop the fight. “I ain’t a total city-slicker yet. Noe, just give me a roll of toilet paper and I’ll be back in a second.”
Ethel disappears into the trailer for a few seconds and brings back a small roll of tissue.
“This is all I got Rueben. That old cuss-bucket there was supposed to ride me into town yesterday so I could shop a bit. But, he’d just rather sit and rotate his big, cow ass on that hammock over yonder.”
“I got no time to discuss the pros and cons of your relationship, just give me a few minutes. Nature is a-calling real fast!”
Ethel sat down on the edge of the verandah, dangling her legs- which hadn’t seen a razor’s edge in months, over the side. She clutches her housecoat tight around her chest as she looks up at Elmer- who’s standing just beside her, his arms folded across his bear chest.
“I jist don’t know how you expect me to hold my head up around here if you got to tell our guests that I plugged the G.D. toilet. What a moron you are Elmer!”
“Takes one to know one you c….”
“Now, you lookee here Elmer. I have had jist about enough of your put downs. Now go put on a clean shirt…”
“I ain’t got a clean shirt woman. You didn’t do the laundry like you said you would.”
“Then go and give yourself a quick wash up and leave it at that. Honestly. You men are all as helpless as a bear with a pinecone stuck up its ass!”
“Ain’t you just the little lady. You eat with that mouth?”
Elmer disappeared inside.
Ethel lit a Player’s Plain and began to contemplate life sitting there on the front porch, her feet swinging joyfully in the morning breeze. She thought about the warmth of Rueben’s body as she had hugged him close. She smiled a bit just thinking it over again and again. Every once in a while she’d scratch her left side and smile cheerfully as the smoke drifted past her head into the hot summer air.
As for Rueben, he found an appropriate bush next to the stone fence where he squatted and counted out 8 single sheets left on the role of tissue.
“She-at!”
He groaned and smiled broadly.
“Man it’s good to be home again!”
