Wednesday, July 14, 2010


It was like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Only it was a search for sausages that were embedded with needles- not haystacks.

Yes, apparently some 78 year old Granny in Toronto recently took her sewing kit along to several of her favourite Loblaws stores. Only instead of catching up on her needlework while she waited for the butcher to grind up a bit of fresh, lean ground pork, she busied herself shoving needles right through the plastic wrapping of a one particular brand of sausage.
What a “prick” of a thing to do.
Pardonez- moi mon anglais!

When Granny should have been at home watching Oprah or Regis and Whomever, she was up and at it early, Metro pass clutched firmly in her hand and a shopping bag hanging loosely from her thin, liver-spotted wrist. Of course, if she had of been home glued to the wide screen watching the Big O or Regis and Whomever tasting Oyster Ice Cream at a the PEI ocean front, she might have been tempted to stick the needles in her eyes instead of a poor, defenceless weiner.
Not sure why I used the word weiner and Regis in the same sentence but it works for me!

She must have had a plan. A map to a few favourite Loblaws tucked into her bag, next to a box of her favourite needles. She set her devious plan in motion and senselessly attacked defenceless sausages who were just waiting quietly to become someone’s BBQ’s sausage dinner- perhaps with a side of Potato salad and mustard pickle.

Now, as far as I have read, nobody fired up the grill to throw a few of Granny’s sausages on top with one of her “special” needles firmly tucked inside but imagine the comments if someone had of munched on a cooked sausage snuggled inside a fresh-baked bun-
“Honey, this sausage has a rather “sharp” taste to it- don’t you think?”
“Sweetie, are you sure this is sausage meat and not beef tongue. It has little sharp things in it?”

There is a nasty old joke- and yes I am going to repeat it right here, right now.

“Honey, Honey! My face hurts!”
“Shut up Howard or I’ll stick a needle in your other eye!”

One more?
Now this old funny has nothing to do with needles. It leans more to “nails” but-

“Darling, I keep running round and round in a circle!”
“Oh, shut up Howard, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

Another one of the same ilk comes to mind.
A final one.
I promise.

There was a young boy- maybe it was Eddie Munster, who was sitting down at the kitchen table for dinner. He saw this pile of “pasta” covered in thick red sauce piled high in a bowl in front of him. He looked to his Mother who was seated at the far end of the table dipping a toasted cheese sandwich- made with Canadian cheese, into a dollop of ketchup she had poured onto the china plate she was eating from.

“Mummy, Mummy. I don’t want to eat this spaghetti!”- cried the little Eddie Munster look-a-like.
“Please. Shut. Up!”- says the Mother, “Or I’ll rip the veins out of your other arm!”
Tuh. Duh!

Now back to the needle-toting Granny.
She was arrested and is safe in the arms of a family member who has promised the court to keep her away from all manner of sausages, needles and other assorted sharp objects.

I can hear it all now as Granny says-
“Listen Dear, I think I’ll just nip down to Loblaws. I have a hankering for some “sharp” cheese.”
“Now, Gran. You know the nice judge said you have to stay around the house until your court date. How about we have a lovely cup of tea and play a nice game of scrabble to pass the time?”
“Oh, sharpen the Hell up, Dear! I’ve got my own game! Go play with yourself!”

Have a great one!