Monday, June 7, 2010


“Roger Turcott has a big schlong!”
“I said Tizzy, Roger Turcott has a big schlong. Pat Darlington saw it!”
“And you know this for a fact Henry?”
He nods.
“I don’t believe it. Let’s get to the long and short of it.”
“Tee Hee. Funny you should say that Tizzy.”
“Nevermind. I mean, let’s confront him. Honestly Henry, the humour you find in things is sadly shameful.”
“You mean just march right to his office and say it- right to his face?”
“My!”- says Henry, fingers fanned across his face.

A few seconds pass…

“Miss Pendulous, we are here to speak with Mr. Turcott.”
“You can’t. He’s in a meeting with the Nettleton Twins- Jedidiah and Bruce.”- she smiles curtly.
“We’ll see. Come Henry.”
Pushing her swivel chair away from her desk and clutching the pink sweater draped around her soft shoulders, Miss Pendulous- Mr. Turcott’s “Girl Friday”, lunges to block Tizzy and Henry’s path attempting to clutch her sweater before it falls to the floor. She’s misses. It drops softly and she lunges too late to block Tizzy and Henry’s entrance into Mr. Turcott’s office.
The pair glide through the French doors leading into the office. Inside sits the Nettleton Twins with Mr. Turcott opposite, behind his big oak desk.
They confront him.
“Mr. Turcott. Roger. Is it true what Henry here is saying?”
Miss Pendulous enters. “Sorry Mr. Roger. I mean Mr. Turcott. I tried to…” Her voice trails.
“No problem Miss Pendulous. I’ll deal with it.” He pauses and says- “Miss Pendulous, might I say you look quite lovely today.” She blushes. "You may return to your desk now.”
Miss Pendulous blushes again- broadly, scoops up the sweater from the floor and returns to her position, at the desk just outside the French doors of Mr. Turcott’s office.
All the while the Nettleton Twins sit with their mouths hanging wide open.

“Tizzy. Henry. What is the meaning of this? Can’t you see I am in a meeting with the Nettleton Twins- Jedidiah and Bruce?”
Tizzy glares at the twins and pointing to the French doors of Mr. Turcott’s airy office he calmy says- “Shut your gobs. You’re letting the flies out! Now get the Hell out!”
“Tizzy!”- says Roger gruffly, “That’s rather inappropriate, wouldn’t you say? It's a damn good think I like you. If you know what I mean.” He winks at Tizzy.

“Oh, I...”- he points a finger back and forth between himself and Henry. “I know what you mean and we have plenty to say.”
The twins depart.
“What, then?”
“Henry here tells me that you have a…well, it seems that your ~ahem~ Roger you apparently have a big schlong! There. I’ve said it.”
Roger looks Tizzy right in the eye. A bright smile stretches across his face as he says smugly-“Yes, as a matter of fact I do!”
The two inquisitors gasp loudly! Together no less.”
“What’s the big deal?”. Mr. Turcott leans back in his chair, hands supporting the back of his head.
Henry giggles.
“He said “big!”.
“Yes. I heard it Henry.” Tizzy gives Henry a “just nevermind now” look.
“Look here you two. You barge into my office. Interrupt a meeting and blurt out the fact I have a big schlong? What gives?”
Tizzy looks to Henry.
“Well”- says Henry, “I heard it from Betsy Andover.
“That girl in accounts receivable with the zits all across her forehead? The one that has coffee with Martin Tinsdale every day after work?”
“That’s the one Mr. Turcott.”
“Well boys, rumour has it that she’s almost four months with child.”
“Who’s child?”- asked Henry.
“Not sure.”- replies Mr, Turcott.
Tizzy interrups.
“Now hold on a minute you two “gossiping Gerdas”. We’re here to talk about your humungous schlong- not Betsy’s bad skin and unfortunate circumstance!”
Mr. Turcott stands.
Henry and Tizzy’s eyes drop to a spot just below Roger’s belt. They blush.
Mr. Turcott catches the drift and says with hands firmly on his hips- “What??”

There’s silence.

“Oh, Roger!”- Tizzy breaks the quiet. “What you have there. Right there at the big crease in your slacks.”
Roger glances down while Henry stifles his giggles and tries to get the blush in his cheeks to subside.
“Hmmm, that’s odd. It must be a bit of catsup sticking there from the fried egg sandwich I had at the diner this morning.”
He licks a centre finger and scratches the offending spot- vigorously.
More giggles from both Tizzy and Henry.
As Mr. Turcott finishes rubbing hard, he looks up and says- “That looks good, don’t you think boys?”
They nod affirmatively.
“So back to the matter at hand. You’ve heard that I had a big schlong so I expect you want to sit on it.”
“What??”- cry the boys.
“Sit on it?- questions Henry.
“Why Roger!” Tizzy is overcome with emotion. Roger continues.
“You both like a thrill- don’t you. My “Big Schlong” is moored at the Marina down at the base of South Street. Why don’t we go for a quick sail around the lake after work and you both can see how big it really is?”

Both Tizzy and Henry melt to the floor in front of Roger’s desk.
“That’s strange. Uh, Miss Pendulous-“
He presses the intercom button.
“Could I have a couple of glasses of water in here please?”