Wednesday, June 2, 2010


Are we becoming a Police State here in Orillia?

This thought crossed my mind when I read about kitchen garburators the other day. The simple, sad fact is that if you live in the City of Orillia and don’t own one now, you can never have one in this city. If you have one now and it then breaks down from this day forth, you may never own another garburator again. Thus spaketh the law of Orillia. Oh yes, there’s a sub-section too. If the aforementioned garburator doesn’t masticate your table scraps to a finite bit of lumpy liquid and it clogs up the entrance to the sewer from your house, then you will be required to pay for the “roto-rooting” of the sewer.
So garburator owners beware. You tread a fine line between righteousness and wrongness. Besides, the City wants you to use your green compost bins for table scraps. Those are the green plastic bins where you store nuts, screws, bolts and other important items- everything of course but the table scraps they were intended for. Those are the same plastic bins that neighbourhood racoons open with great ease. I would guess the racoons had the instruction manuals delivered to the front doors of their hollow stumps.

In case you were wondering, these Municipal laws- called bylaws, are in place to keep “things” in place. A bylaw makes us all equal- although I personally feel quite superior to many of you living in this City of ours.
Please don’t judge me.
I won’t apologize, I just happen to be superior.
These “bylaws” are meant to keep regular folk- yes and superior folk like me, in check. Bylaws keep us from doing the “wrong thing”. It brings us closer together.

What could be termed a “wrong thing?”
A wrong thing to do- besides installing a new garburator, would be watering your lawn on an “even” day of the calendar month even though your house is “odd”. Now, I know there are many “odd houses” in Orillia but in this case it’s not a put-down, it simply means you live in a house with an “odd” street number as opposed to an “even” street number.

Dog licences.
It’s such a big deal in this burg of 30 thousand people. If you don’t buy one, the “Secret Service Dog Police” come knocking at your door. If you don’t answer they leave a threatening note describing the circumstances of non payment of the licence fee.
You don’t want to know.
It’s ugly.
Oh, don’t try “meowing” behind the front door either to throw the Dog Police off track. I’ve seen them sneak up to fences, peer over and look for evidence of dog poop, leashes and dog houses.
These guys are relentless and aim to get their “dog”.

If you live in Orillia you’ll know what a “Sump Pump” is all about. It keeps water from seeping into your basement keeping the bag of onions- propped up next to the dryer, from becoming waterlogged and soggy. Your sump pump must be drained outside and not into the sewer. Don’t get caught with your hose shoved into the wrong hole.

For those of you addicted to setting off fireworks, you should know that you can’t set them off in any public place or in a spot where anyone can hear them go off. Now that limits the number of locations within the city limits just a bit.
So stop buying the damned things and scaring my dog shitless!!
That is a good bylaw.
Finally- street parking.
A simple rule of thumb and remember I am superior to many of you and have a better grasp of what looks right and what looks wrong.
Please heed my “bon mots” below!
If you don’t have a driveway or garage that is big enough to house more than one vehicle, then don’t buy a second car or truck. You can’t park from November through to April on the street at night anyway without getting a hefty ticket from those “gentle” bylaw/cop wannabe officers. Parking on the front lawn is always an option but not a pleasant one. It’s akin to putting an old chesterfield on the front porch. Of course many Orillians believe that placing an old couch on a porch and parking a vehicle on the front lawn just adds to the property’s street appeal.

Now about that 5 cent charge for a plastic bag.
Don’t get me started.
However, I wonder why those of you upset with the Ontario Government for bringing in the HST, aren’t you absolutely livid at having to pay 5 cents for a plastic bag.
5 cents!!
If you’re good at remembering your cotton bags- that’s swell! You save a bundle. I can’t tell you the number of times I have walked into a store, shopped and then remember my cloth bags are out in the van. Of course I go fetch them. I’m not paying the “piper” which in this case is the “big bag devil” at city hall.
So we save a few plastic trees. How about all the chemicals and pollutants sent into the air by plastic bag manufacturing plants- huh?

My point is- enjoy the “Police State” in which you dwell.
It could be worse.
We could all be forced to live in Barrie.