Wednesday, March 21, 2012


I wrote a Blog on “ass*****” last time and it was all I could do to NOT add these wonderful Wally-World-like greeters and purveyors of religious folklore to my Blog.

However, I thought it would just be a big slap in the face to Idiots and Assholes that I mentioned in that blog to be associated with this tribe!

So I present a separate blog on JW’s.
If you think they should be filed under “a”-  that is your choice.

JW’s- Jehovah’s Witnesses, are always topical- especially since they
are always banging on your front door just when you’re strolling around the house in your boxer shorts.
Yes folks, don’t we all just love opening the door and welcoming Human Beings of the Jehovah Witness faith into our day.
Bet you thought these bell ringers were Christians.
You see although they exhibit some of the qualities of Baptists, let it be known that there is a difference. Baptists just drag neighbours and friends they know already into church. You know, those unsuspecting dufusses who only go to church to have coffee and cake in the basement after the service or attend church just because their Mother’s do. That’s where the similarities end.

JW’s don’t consider themselves Christians.
Lordy, I’ll bet the Christians are glad to hear that! It’s one less pimple on the holy ass of religion. Now if you’re a Christian don’t tell me you don’t feel the same way after hearing this fact.
You can hardly contain your glee- can you?
I digress here but you do also know that another faith that is out there working the streets- The Mormons or as I like to call them Blonde Boy, Dark Boy, believe that both Jesus and his dad live on separate planets in our Universe?
As mentioned- I digress…

The JW’s- if you read their website- All Along the Watchtower (Hmmm…sounds like an oldie but a goodie), don’t like to be bothered either. They like to be left alone with their God and their religion. So please don’t do what they do- going from door to door inviting people to belong to their cult so they will get their proper place in Heaven with Jesus,
Just do what they say- “Come. Join us!”
I hear what you’re saying- “What no Virgins?”
Sadly, No!
That’s yet another religion.
Now, where was I?

Oh yes.
So this particular brand of “door to door trolling” is on this earth to annoy the F*** out of the rest of us!
Case in point.
On Saturday I received two pamphlets from their local Orillia Church.
Something about the Easter Bunny being on his way!

Now to backtrack a little, whenever I see the JW’s coming to my door I say to them before they even place a righteous toe on my verandah step-
They reply sheepishly and nod with a cautious smile- “…yes.”
I say- “You are not welcome on my property. I have told your Kingdom Hall that on many occasions. “

The last time I said this was about 2 weeks ago and yet here I find their literature in both my front door and back door mailbox.
There’s no escaping the JW!
So, I start to call the Kingdom Hall- on the phone.
There’s no e-mail address where I could call them what I really think of them!

Now, a warning.
One has to have patience when calling the Kingdom Hall.
The patience of Job, who apparently- according to the Old Testament, had just that-
patience and longevity.
Now whoever heard of an old person with patience is beyond me but that’s the Bible for you.

You see, I have already told you these “gospel geeks” hate it when people try to get in touch with them, however, sooner or later- usually later, someone answers and with a smile in my voice and a great deal of love in my heart, I ask to have someone pop by and gather up the circulars in my mailbox.
Last time it was suggested I stick the offending papers…
Wait for it!

in my recycle box.

I counter-suggest to do the right thing and have someone kindly drop by and retrieve the paper tablets reminding the person in the Kingdom at the other end of the line to remind their brethren and cistern that their holy canvassers are NOT welcome to tread on my property again.
It’s a lesson that needs refreshing every now and then.

I hear a heavy sigh in the voice- almost a nasty gruffness, yet in an hour or two, the annoying papers are gone.

I have even seen the JW’s making copious notes on their clipboard after I have told them to stay off my property. On one happy occasion, I heard the head JW mumble to the newbies with her as they passed by our back yard fence-
“This is the house where they are going to Hell!”
I mentioned that to the “Kingdomites” who answered the phone and he assured me that could not have possibly been what I heard, since JW’s don’t believe in Hell.
Oh sure, steal the guarantee-like assurance of being heaven-bound from Islam and now steal something from the Jews.
Listen just get your own quirks will you?
If Jesus were here he’d shoo them from the temple with a huge Canadian gun that doesn’t need to be registered and if he happened to shoot one of the buggers in the ass- it would be untraceable.
The gun I mean.

So, yesterday and the day before that I have been ringing the Orillia Kingdom Hall as often as I can. I’ll keep doing this until someone answers.

Their number if you want to do the same thing is: 705.326.0644
There is no answering machine.
They just don’t want to be bothered- remember?

So give them a call and ask them to come get their advertising.
It’s fun and educational too and because they are “this” close to God, they can’t even swear at you or- heaven forbid, call you an “asshole”.

Oh, Listen.
When they do answer, tell them you can’t talk long because you’re on your way to give blood and save someone’s life!

They’ll get a kick out of that!


It took almost three days of constant calling but finally a young man answered on my first attempt to call the Kingdom Hall today. I asked him to come retrieve the material from my mailbox. He took my address down. I told him to have a good day and he reciprocated.

The offensive material was gone in less than half an hour.

Now, if everyone would call and ask for such material to be removed and tell the JW’s
they are not welcome, they would have to dream up with other overt tactics- like flying hot air balloons over the city with their message of salvation emblazoned on the side.

If that were to happen what would we do?
Target practice anyone?