ROBBLOG #478

So, I was watching the “Holy Chimney” on the roof of the Sistine Chapel.

It was “live”!

I dunno why.

 

God…well, it could have been Jesus.

Their voices sound so much alike to me.

Anyway, God/Jesus told me to do a Google search at 1405 on Wednesday, so I did and 2 minutes later “Whammo”- White Smoke spurted from the chimney.

Havum Popum!

Now if anyone knows about “spurting”, it’s those Catholic priests- especially when it comes to handsome, well-built altar boys, assistants and all that spurting.

But I digress…

 

There was lots and lots of white smoke.

Reminded me of the 70’s at the Pow Wow Lounge at the Champlain Hotel.

Aw…those were the days.

Drinkin’ and smokin’ and cursin’ and tomfoolery.

All the while pretending I was “straight”!

What am I nuts?

I hated the 70’s.

 

So, getting back to my story, God tells me to turn on…

 

Wait!

I am kidding.

I did it all by myself!

I just found a “live” cam doing a search on the Net and then sat down to read a magazine.

Two minutes later the smoke begins.

I call my husband.

“Tom- Look at the computer screen!”

He did.

Then I said- “Why are we watching this, it’s everything we don’t like and believe?”

Tom says- “It’s history!”

“Hmmmm.”-  I mumble.

 

So, all Smoke and Mirrors- more smoke.

Then, there’s the red shoes and white dresses too and of course queerness and lots of homosexuals.

No women mind you.

It’s like watching news from Iran.

Where are all the women at?

Probably cleaning the Vatican’s toilets.

 

 

Not all is “rosary” though.

Now, it seems Cardinal Marc “what’s-his-name” from Quebec- who my Stewardess Husband had on an Air Canada flight last fall, has a brother who prefers young girls.

How refreshing!

Yet distressing. When will followers of this faith learn?

One 13 and one 14.

Ya gotta laugh at those Catholics!!

Ya gotta feel sorry for them too.

 

The bands in the parade before the Pope poked his head out on the balcony, almost seem to

be parading for the Queen.

Hmmmm.

Maybe they are!

Such Pomp and Circumstance!

The boys are all handsome and nicely dressed in colourful uniforms featuring colourful hose.

Yup. A lot of Pomp and hugging and…

 

How will most Cardinals celebrate?

Maybe pop over to that Gay Spa- just a few steps from the Vatican, to have a beer or two.

Maybe a laugh and a hug or two.

Maybe some spurting!

I dunno.

 

I digress…

 

I’ll pause now. I am waiting to hear a name.

Who’s the “belle of the Ball”?

 

I await…and as I do though, I wonder- What if they find life on Mars?

Doesn’t that make this whole thing seem even more ridiculous than it is?

This is the 21^st Century after all.

If there was a God, wouldn’t he reach down from Heaven and slap a few Catholics around?

 

Seems like, if I had that “God Power”,   I’d want to do that.

Make an appearance.

Of course, since there isn’t a God, it would never happen but if the Superior Being wanted the publicity and wanted to shove his son back to earth, this would be the media event and the time to do it.

 

Just announced.

Argentina, in South America Wins.

The Europeans are pissed.

So, it’s Pope Francis.

Don’t know who’s in second place.

May the Force be with You, Frank!

STOP THE PRESSES!
This just in:
Pope Frank is no progressive. He opposes same-sex marriage, abortion and the use of contraceptives!
Nothing has or will change for Catholics.

 

 

 

ROBBLOG #477

 

There's a website for Radio Types called "Milkman Unlimited". I dunno why.

It’s at www.milkmanunlimited.com

 

Right now, there's a story on the site about one of our "local" FM stations here in Orillia. They

have won an award from The Chamber of Commerce. Now to be fair, neither Swisssh Radio nor Starlite Radio is a chamber member. Just can't afford the fees at a non-profit operation like this one. However, the article makes some interesting points. I will make some counterpoints.

 

It says in part:

"...thank News Director Jim Birchard for the excellent work in preparing and producing our daily audio magazine “Twin Lakes Today” which spotlights information and topics of concern to the people of the Orillia area. The region’s only local talk show..."

 

Ummmm. Not true. The Morning Show at Night on Swisssh Radio is "local" and "Live"(Thursdays 7PM, Friday 9PM, Saturday 7AM (ET) with Heather Thompson and I and honestly I have never heard of Jim- sorry Jim, if he's such a part of this community. Maybe Jim's never heard of me- or Swisssh, either. Oh, a second show produced weekly in the Swisssh Studios is "In Our Cups Again" with "local" Husband and wife team- Sue and Jeff. Sundays at 11AM and Tuesdays at 8PM (ET).

 

Of course Milkman will not print any story about Swisssh Radio. I know this because a year ago I tried to post a story- with pictures, all about Swisssh Radio’s 5^th Anniversary. I was politely told Swisssh Radio is not "real" radio and Milkman only prints stories about "real" radio. Well, I guess I was told, eh?

 

I suppose all those “local” artists and Independent artists that Sunshine doesn’t play- except maybe on their Mariposa Folk Show, should know that Swisssh Radio and Starlite are not real. The next time I get a personal thank you from one of these artists that my stations play, I’ll have to tell them the truth- that we’re not real. I mean, it’s the fair, correct thing to do. It seems Milkman does, however, print stories about Podcasts like Humble and Fred- which I suppose is more real than Online Radio. I guess...

 

The story goes on:

"...our Community Cruiser reporter Sarah Hewitt has been stellar in live reporting at dozens of local happenings and community events."

Never seen Sarah out and about reporting. I do see a bunch of young folk manning their location tent at events, laughing amongst themselves and generally ignoring to the listening public walking by. Don't remember ever hearing the station playing at one of these events either.

 

Finally, the online article says:

"Bayshore Broadcasting continues to be committed to producing great local radio."

Does that include their midday show being voice tracked out of Collingwood or how they share staffing duties with other Bayshore stations?

This My Dears is the real state of terrestrial radio. Big companies who don’t really give a tiddly-wink for listeners. Cranking out the same music from the same music lists as every other station and peppering the day with voice tracked breaks.

 

Now at Swisssh Radio I don’t have “live” announcers either. I have no budget.

No, I mean no budget!

Zero.

So yes, you will hear some pre-recorded “breaks” on Swisssh Radio- promos for the station really. Starlite on the other hand, has been programmed from the start with no breaks. Just Station ID’s. It’s a music station after all.

 

Anyway, all green-eyed envy aside, congrats Sunshine Radio and continued "local" success from a local, non-real radio station- Swisssh and her sister Starlite.

POSTSCRIPT: Swisssh Radio did win a Chamber of Commerce Award! It was the best "Small Business" Category in the Orillia Santa Claus Parade five years ago. I still have the trophy. Yeah for Swisssh!

 

ROBBLOG #476

What the hell are those Catholics up to now- specifically the Pope.

 

He abdicates?

So wad up wit dat?

There has to be more of a story behind the story.

There are the rumours of him making a deal with the Italian Government because there is some

“Homosexual” stuff that’s being suppressed.

I know.

It’s hard to believe that the Catholic Church would hide stuff from the world isn’t it?

Only kidding!

Well who the hell would be surprized at anything the church hides from its flock.

 

So, take a Gay Catholic man who wants to hide from himself and the world.

To where does he run?

Right into the Catholic priesthood of course.

Now, I am not saying that Mr. Benedict is “light in the ruby slippers” but there is some sort of “Gay Catholic Mafia” thriving in the Vatican.

What the Fuck you say?

 

Of come on!

It’s been hinted at in all the papers. Mostly, online in European Media. Some “Gay Chain of

Command” is controlling what really happens in Vatican City and I’m not just talking fashion and home decorating. I am talking about changes that may lie ahead, now that Benny has stepped down.

So, cool your jets.

God’s representative on earth hasn’t done something like this since Jesus was a choirboy.

It’s all new.

Precedents are being set.

Beef may be back on Friday’s Menu.

 

The Past Pope still gets to wear white- ever the virgin, just not those pointy hats anymore.

Will he step out on the town?

Will he have an espresso at a Gay Café in downtown Rome?

Why not?

If  he wants a trendy coffee or spend an afternoon shoe-shopping- why not?

He’s not dead.

He’s just a former pope.

Of course right now some starving peasant in Mexico or Columbia makes “the most comfortable brown shoes ever” that Ben- reportedly, is only too happy to wear in place of those red slippers.

It’s like coming home. Our friend Dorothy was probably happy to slip back into her rubber boots when she returned home to the farm in Kansas after her whirlwind trip to the “Emerald City”.

However, unlike Dorothy, his “Holy-Mess” still gets to live in the “Emerald City” in Rome.

Although, right now, he’s spending some time at the summer house while his apartment is being re-decorated  back in the city. I wonder who’s doing that?

Chris and Steven?

 

Ben Emeritus- that’s his new name, says he’s going to pray and have a “think” for the rest of his life and here I thought my life was boring as hell.

 

Of course he may have some nice things to look forward to.

Chatelaine and Men’s Fitness magazines will still arrive on time after a change of address card is sent.

He will still have staff- and his rod too!

Maybe there’ll a new pool boy to gaze upon- clad in a tiny Vatican Speedo, for those lazy summer days lingering around the Holy Pool. Remember, this is the Pope that had several stripped-to-the-waist acrobatics tumble and tuck- I said tuck!- for him and the Carninal boys.

 

"Jesus, Mary & Joseph!"

"Holy..uh..Fuck!"

 

Then, he’ll need a young strapping lad to cut his toenails or shave his back.

Ben will need someone to dress him in the morning and help me retire at night.

A Holy Laundry Lad will be on duty to beat the “skid marks” from his poo poo undies- using a blessed rock, down by the banks of the Tiber.

 

What fun will be had by all!

 

Maybe some of the bitches from the Holy Gay Mafia will come by and spend the weekend doing what men do with boys. I mean, the Catholic Priesthood wrote the book on that pastime.

 

So, people let’s not feel too sad. Brighter days are ahead and no, I don’t mean the Catholics will finally treat women with the equality they deserve- oh My Goodness- No!

 

I mean maybe the Holy “C” will finally easy on down the road towards the acceptance of Gays, Abortion, and sexual protection.

 

Stranger things have happened.

 

 

 

ROBBLOG #475

On Bleeker Street with Blanche & Jane

 

The Gals are in Paris, France

 

Blanche: Jane Dear, what do you say we go to the Eiffel Tower for lunch?

 

Jane: ~puff, puff~ Can I have my fags up there?

 

Blanche: No Jane. I don’t expect they allow smoking.

 

Jane: #$^% this is France isn’t it? Didn’t they invent freekin’ smoking?

 

Blanche: No Jane. I don’t think so. You’ve been watching too many old films.

 

Jane: Sex and ciggies. I’m sure it them French dammit! ~puff, drag, puff~

 

Blanche: Isn’t it enough Jane Dear that you can light up at the outdoor cafes?

 

Jane: Sure in the freezing #*&$# cold!

 

Blanche: Now Jane, that’s simply not true. Every café we have been at has had overhead heating.

 

Jane: Oh sure! You’re all nice and cozy inside while I freeze my titties off having a puff or two!

 

Blanche: So quit and stay inside with me. It’s as simple as that Jane.

 

Jane: What are you? Half human or something? Besides I look real classy when I smoke.

 

Blanche: ~chuckling~ I’m sure you think you do but every drag brings you closer to eternity.

 

Jane: Oh %##* You Sweetie. I’ll outlive you and Mother too.

 

Blanche: Jane Dear, Mother’s been dead for 20 years!

 

Jane: It’s just a figure of speech Blanche. ~puff, puff~

 

Blanche: We had better get going. Be a good girl. Call a taxi Jane Dear.

 

Jane: ~pauses~ This tower is pretty high up- ain’t it Blanche? ~puff, drag~

 

Blanche: Yes, I believe the Eiffel Tower is as you say- pretty high up. ~she laughs softly~

 

Jane: Hmmm. A Bitch falling off a tower in a wheelchair. It would be like a falling rocket.

 

Blanche: Oh Jane Dear, you’re always plotting the perfect way to get rid of me.

 

Jane: ~Puff, Puff~ Yes Blanche and someday I might just do it!

 

Blanche: Come Jane Dear, I want to buy postcards in the lobby before the taxi arrives.

 

Jane: ~puff, drag, puff~ Who’re you gonna send them to? You ain’t got no friends anyway…

 

Blanche: You’d be surprized Sister Dear. You’d be surprized!

ROBBLOG #474

In Paris-
The City of Light, with Baby Jane and Blanche

 

Blanche: Oh Jane!! Isn’t this exciting? We’re in Paris!

Jane: Yeah well, I’m still waiting to get my *&(^%# ass pinched. ~puff, puff~ 

Blanche: Jane Dear, that’s Italy not France. Italian men pinch buttocks- not Parisians. 

Jane: You’re probably right. ~drag, cough, puff~ I’ve heard Paris men are all fags anyway. 

Blanche: Now Jane! That is not nice! What a thing to say. Parisiennes are lovers. L’amour. Whether they’re Gay or not!

Jane: La what? ~puff, puff~ 

Blanche: It’s all about “love” Jane. I mean look at those buildings there. How Romantic! Oh Look Jane! The Louvre. Let’s go see Mona Lisa! 

Jane: ~puff, puff~ You want me to come all the way across the freekin’ ocean to see some Lisa broad moaning? I don’t think so Blanche. 

Blanche: Jane. The Mona Lisa is a famous painting from Leonardo da Vinci. It’s in the Louvre. 

Jane: Well she can stay there. ~puff, puff~ Let’s go have a drink. There’s a place there! 

Blanche: Ok, I guess we can see the Louvre tomorrow. A café sounds nice. We can have a glass of French wine and a pastry or a tart!

Jane: That Mona woman ain’t gonna be there is she? 

Blanche: ~chuckling~ No Jane. I don’t think you’ll find the Mona I’m talking about in a Café in Paris. 

Jane: ~puff, drag, puff~ Good. Now wheel yourself through that door and try not to look too pathetic. This is Paris Blanche- not Bleeker Street. People don’t speak the King’s English here. 

Blanche: ~laughs~ No Jane. You have that correct. They don’t speak English. After you Madam!

 

 

 

 

ROBBLOG #473

 

A nice story appeared in the local press today.

 

Irene had lost her purse with credit cards and health card tucked inside. A Good Samaritan found it in a parking lot outside the store where Irene had been shopping and took it back into the store. Irene returned to the store to ask about her purse and was more than happy to have it returned.

 

There are good people out there!

Well, not all people.

 

I don’t know how but I dropped an envelope Tuesday afternoon- containing $180 dollars, while shopping for night lights at Dollarama (near Walmart).

A 2 buck purchase cost me 180 dollars. Expensive lights!

 

I didn’t realize the envelope containing the money was missing from my bag until that evening.

I called the store the next day and they had given the envelope and money in it to someone making a claim for it!

Yes, someone had claimed the white deposit envelope saying it was theirs! There was a Royal Bank receipt inside the envelope- along with the cash, which I had tucked inside a leather bag I carry.

 

Apparently- according to the store manager, a woman picked the envelope up from the floor.

She “found it.”- but when she passed it onto the clerk there was only 100 dollars in it.

The clerk had counted the contents. The nice lady had helped herself to $80.

 

Then less than an hour later a man came in and claimed the remaining $100.

He showed no ID.

He had no proof of a Royal Bank Client card where 4 digits could have been matched from the slip inside the envelope with the money. The store could have retained the envelope and it could have been taken to the Royal Bank.

No, that would have been too easy.

 

There was no remorse from the store manager regarding the loss of any of the funds.

“I’m sorry”- was all she said.

“Maybe you should change your lost and found policy.”- I suggested, nicely.

Why get upset? The cash was gone. Forever.

 

I contacted the police to say that there should be a better system for returning lost items.

The officer said he would speak with the store manager but I have lost the $180.

 

Quite the scam from this lady and gentleman.

I guess they needed it more than I did.

Drugs and booze don’t come cheap these days.

Okay, that’s an unfair comment. Maybe they needed to buy formula for their baby or a pack

of cigarettes.

Sorry. That’s an unfair judgement I know, however, I am just saying.

So, not everyone in Orillia is as forthright when finding someone’s possessions or lost money.

A quick buck is more important. The Management at Dollarama don’t seem interested in changing the rules although the Manager said she would tell the “District Manager”.

 

Really, it was because of the store that I didn’t at least get the $100 dollars that the less-than-truthful “good Samaritan” passed along to the clerk.

 

Oh yes, according to the Dollarama clerk, the lady returning the lost envelope was interested in what would happen to the money if it wasn’t claimed? I suppose she didn’t like the non-answer from the Dollarama clerk so she had a “friend” come to the store to make the claim for the $100.

I mean, she wouldn’t want some unscrupulous person to claim it for his or her own- would she?

Nobody likes being ripped off and there are a lot of unsavoury characters out there. She needed to protect her interest!

I mean, she found “my” money after all right?

It was her duty to protect it like it was her own- wasn’t it?

In her mind she deserved part of it- a reward at the very least, just for finding it and turning it in.

 

How a “theft” like this doesn’t weigh on one’s conscious is beyond me.

I guess they don’t think its breaking any laws or hurting anyone.

 

Hey! Maybe they’ll take up a collection and help me get my money back. They do that for old folks like me- don’t they?

 

In the meantime, I’ll be eating Kraft Dinner for a week or two!

 

ROBBLOG #472

DAME CLARE VOYANT

Well My Dears,

 

That nice, young man Mr. Reid has offered me space in his lovely Blog to tell you a few stories

and bring you up to date with happenings around the Palais and town.

 

I have so much time on my hands these days- what with not writing a regular missal to you. You would not believe how many friends, servants and cohorts- such as Mr. Reid, who have been suggesting I take some of my past writings- as well as new bits- and shove them into chapters with the intent of publishing a book.Well My Dears, I have been told to shove it on more than one occasion.

 

My Head Pool Boy- Roger, says his Husband Xavier would be glad to set me up an account with one of those online publishing houses and I’d be away to the races or at least your local bookshop.

 

Imagine me- an authoress!

Stranger things have happened!

Look My Dears, we have a Lesbian ruling the entire Province of Ontario.

I mean My Dears- that’s progress.

I must say that.

I really must.

 

Closer to home, we also have another female leading our Culture Department- what is left of it- that is Darling. Oh yes,  on on the Culture topic that delightful Green-belted Mayor of ours says that Culture is just fine and they get their share of “City Coin” like the rest of the needy. That’s good to know.

 

Now don’t get your tits in a wringer Dears. That’s what artists, actors and cultural types are in Orillia Town- needy. Now, this new gal- although being at the podium cheering section for local cultural happenings, seems to live out of town- perhaps even out of a suitcase. Maybe she already knows she’ll be here “short term” before they push her to the door ar at least transfer her to another city property.

 

Oh, she’ll be all giggles and charm for the first while, as she sits in her office over at City Centre- once inhabited by the male of the species. Wait until she’s asked to do a coffee run! Yes My Dears, a lady in the midst of the “Old Boys Club” who sooner or later is going to get a rude awakening- much like your Dameness wandering out to the pool at the Palais on a beautiful summer morning, only to see Roger and Xavier doing laps in the pool in the all- together.

Splish splash I can see their ass!

Pardon the vulgar term of reference my Dears.

Asses….now where was I?

Oh yes, I was talking about Culture in this fair town of Mr. Leacock’s scribblings.

 

Quite frankly, the new gal on the Culture block would probably do better slamming her head into the wall than trying to do something with that department. Take a page out of a storybook and know that you are damned before you begin- the begine or otherwise.

 

Maybe she can manage her stress levels by mowing a lawn or two on days when she isn’t busy.

Well why shouldn’t  Culture be placed under the same umbrella as the Parks and Rec Boys and Girls? Cultureness is next to Parkness- or something like that!

 

Oh but My Dear, whatever you do, do not criticize or attempt to make a suggestion or try to have an opinion because they’ll shoot you down in Cultureland. The new “Lady of the Cult” will soon learn this. Someone always has a piece of letterhead ready to script a note that’ll be on file for the rest of time- maybe longer, in the bowels of the City Centre.She may be a strong-willed woman and lucky for her if she is big and bold. Brings to mind Joan Crawford’s best line to the boys at Pepsico:

Don’t Fuck with me Fellas!”

What a broad and a real lady she was to us gals!

 

I fear I have dabbled at the keys long enough for one day. No need to raise the hairs on the back of City Hall necks- or backs!

 

My best friend Hedda Lettuce and her Girlfriend/Secretary- Sofonda Cox are due here at the Palais any minute. We take off for Poo Poo Pawi in the next few days.

Palm trees. Island breezes. Men in Speedos.

Does that sound needy?

It is since we “need” to make plans for  two months or more in the South Pacific. As we pick-a-little, talk-a-little, we intend to “drool-a-little” with a Ryan filmfest- Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds. Two Canadian lads who have more culture down their pants than many in Orillia have above the waist.

 

Rod- our Bartender on Poo Poo Pawai. Banana Martini?

 

Well, it’s all forfun though- isn’t it, as well as for Culture?

We all do our best to help the needy- although some are more needy than others.

I must say that My Dears.

I really must.

 

Tah for now.