ROBBLOG #351

The Christmas Season just wouldn't be "jolly" without a visit from Dame Clare Voyant and a blog about the Holiday Festivites around the Palasi Royal- just on the outside of town.
Enjoy!

Around the Palais
           
                  by Dame Clare Voyant

Well My Dears,

Festive is what Festive does.

I mean that.

I really do.

Take Xavier- who is the hubbie of Roger my head poolboy. This delivery boy- well, man really Darlings, even though his tussled blonde hair gave me boyish dreams later that same night, arrives at the door and brings Xavier a bouquet of 24 red roses from Roger.

I know My Dears- how incredibly festive and loving and thoughtful. I was standing in the front hall as the delivery boy passed the bundle to Xavier.

“My Xavier, aren’t those roses absolutely spectacular!”- I gushed.

“Yes, they are”- says Xavier, “but you know what this- he nods towards the bouquet of red stems in his arms, means…”

“He loves you?”- I quickly say.

“No!” says Xavier. “It means that for the rest of the holidays I will be flat on my back-mostly, with my muscular legs in the air pointing my athletic toes toward the stars!”

“Well for goodness sakes Xavier, why not use one of the crystal vases from the dining room hutch!!”- I exclaim!!

I meant that My Dears.

I really did.

At the Palais I would share anything and everything with my “Boys”. 

So it’s been a whirlwind of holiday parties, get-togethers , sing-a-longs and nuts roasting by the open fire pit on the south lawn. I tell both Roger and Xavier to move back from the flames a little My Dears or they’ll singe their bikini line but they only smile at me and open their swimmers legs all the wider to welcome even more heat in that most private of places.

Well My Dears, you have to laugh.

I mean that.

I really do. 

Honestly, My Dears, I will never understand the attachment you men have with your extremities. Keeping them warm one minute and exposing them to the elements the next.

Why I remember one year Roger, Xavier and a sleigh load of their friends from the city wallowed naked in the snow on the Palais’ West Lawn making the most interesting snow angels. Their arms, legs and all manner of body parts were twisting and fluttering, this way and that.

My best friend Hedda Lettuce, her secretary Sofonda Cox and your Dameness were splitting a royal gut watching from the conservatory, while sipping on warm cider, cranberry juice and just a touch of Amaretto. A holiday drink made and named by a very good friend of your Dame’s- who shall go nameless to protect his standing in the community.

This friend dubbed the brew “Jingle Bells”

How positively sweet!

I mean that my Dears.

I really Do. 

So, onwards with the Holiday Fun!

Make Merry- won’t you my Darlings?

Oh and-  keep your extremities warm and safe- won’t you?

Cheery Holidays to one and all!! 

I mean that.

I really do!

ROBBLOG #350

Hold the Holiday Phone!

The Pope is telling the world that’s it’s going to be a difficult Christmas- what with the poor economy and everything. Geeze, thanks Pope.

For a man who is supposed to be connected to the “Big Guy” he’s not too smart or he just doesn’t have a direct line. I am sure that god would tell him to sell off some of the riches of his church and provide for the flock not only at Christmas but all year through.

Christ in a Creche!



Shouldn’t this shepherd of the Catholic flock who is the leader of the only true church and religion on this planet- according to Catholic Dogma, be content to live in a shack in the woods? One would think.

When we were in Paris- up at Sacre Coeur,  a monk walked by us as we approached the historic church building.

He was wearing sandals.

His feet were bare.

The old brown robe he was wearing was cinched around the centre with a braided rope. He covered his bare head with the hood of his garment as he passed by us in the street.

I watched him walk along- alone. A half dozen tourists- such as ourselves, turned intently as he ambled along. It was as if it was 1100. He walked along and turned up a side street and disappeared. Now there’s a man who is just into his faith, not the expensive, robes, ermine, gold crystal and Prada Shoes of the Head Father of the Flock, this representative of Christ on Earth,

It’s all Poppycock and Hogwash anyway.

Simply, religious scare tactics to make sheepish Christians bow down and praise their station in life and his too.

I was listening to a radio programme last week. A man of religion was being interviewed. He was being frank with both his interviewer and the radio audience. He had lived the bible and Jesus for these past 30 years. Now he was questioning religion. He made some interesting points.

He said, the “certainty” crowd (the ones that believe every little tidbit offered to them from the pulpit or bible study) even irritates most religious types. In other words be religious but not quite so religious as it takes all the fun away.

Doubt is compatible with faith.

You have faith.

You have doubt.

You proclaim to have “faith” because you really have doubt- or are afraid.

Lastly he said religion is “tribal conditioning”.

Bingo!

Religion is a tribe and either you’re with the “tribe” or you’re not. If you’re not, the “tribe” has little time for you. Oh, they pretend they do. They smile and nod at you. They pretend nothing has changed but everything has changed. The church is first in their mindset now.

Can you celebrate the season and not bow down to an all-powerful god?

Yes, of course you  can.

The Christmas Story for instance can be celebrated simply as a legend. A legend of love. A secular Christmas celebrates Joy and Love and Peace and even Santa Claus who demonstrates love, goodness and giving- not a God.

It may not be a prayer in the religious sense but recently I heard a wish- a statement of Love if you will. It was a wish that can be made in the form of an offering to humanity- not god. Upon hearing these words for the first time, my emotions flowed.

“May justice, kindness and Peace flow from my heart, forever.”

So, apparently we all will have to cut back on our spending this Holiday Season. Oh, that’s not to say your “Christmas Envelope” to your tribe shouldn’t be just as generous, it just means when you do your Christmas Shopping, buy socks at the dollar store and not The Bay.

ROBBLOG #349 W E E K E N D Edition

It's another Holiday Adventure for your Seasonal Enjoyment. Baby Jane and Blanche want to go sledding.The fun and "barbs" are about to fly.

It's 1:15 PM on Bleeker Street. Snow is softly falling and the tree inside Blanche and Jane's big front

window is twinkling merrily with 650 multi-colour lights. There's a newspaper stuffed in the mailbox next to the steps and a big red sled leans up against the front porch railing. Inside Blanche and her wheelchair are next to the window that faces the back yard. Finches and Blue Jays are flapping back and forth from the feeder to the big oak tree alongside the patio. Jane comes into the room...

Jane: Blanche, let’s grab our Sleds and go down that big hill over at Hickory Creek. All that powdery white stuff out there! ~puff, drag~ It'll be so Christmasssy. Just like a Christmas Card!

Blanche: Oh Jane Dear that sounds wonderful- and quite "holiday-like" as you say. OK. I'm in as long as you and Johnnie Strongman promise not to throw me in a cardboard box and shove me down the hill like last year!

Jane: Oh Hell's Christmas Bells, I almost freekin' forgot ~puff, puff~ Gee that was such fun!

Blanche: Now Jane, something serious might have happened to me and spoiled my Christmas!

Jane: ~puff, puff, drag~ Like what? You might have tinkled in your "Thursday" undies!

Blanche: No Jane Dear. How awful of you to think that. I mean I could have suffered an injury or something. I might have had to spend Christmas in the hospital.

Jane: Yes ~puff, puff~ I might have had to put you away for good!

Blanche: What?

Jane: Away Blanche. Put you away! Like I’d dig a hole in the back garden and throw you in a cardboard box and all ~drag, puff, drag~

Blanche: Oh Grrrrrrr. If only I wasn’t in this blasted chair. I’d…I’d..

Jane: You’d do what Blanche? Go dancing at the Savoy Hotel? ~puff, puff~ That’s rich. But you know what Blanche?

Blanche: What Jane Dear.

Jane: I’d love you just as much if you were perfect- just like I do now, with you all broken and stuff ~puff, puff~

Blanche: Happy Holidays and a Merry Christmas to you too Jane Dear!

ROBBLOG # 348

Dear Virginia Adams, 

It’s me- Santa Claus. 

Remember all those letters I wrote to you last year? I thought it was time to drop you a note. Hard to believe it’s December! I sincerely hope you have had a good year. Mrs. Claus and I have been well- except for my left knee acting up now and again. We even got a chance to take a trip to the Hawaiian Islands last June. It was very restful indeed. 

It’s a busy time here at the North Pole Canada- H0H 0H0, as you can imagine. The elves are working their collective, little butts off but they always do it with such cheery dispositions. They have been so loyal over the decades. I am one lucky Santa.

I hope your year has been a good one too. 

My, my, the stuff that goes on in this old world of ours. I have to sit and stroke my beard and wonder sometimes. If all the Love and Peace and understanding that most of the world experiences at this time of the year could only be stretched over the entire 12 months, wouldn’t it be a more wonderful world? 

There certainly has been some changes in some of the countries on the opposite side of the globe- hasn’t there? I hope that people in those nations get a fresh start. They deserve it so. 

Violence is still a staple in the day-to-day lives of so many humans on this planet Earth. If that simple little word “Love” and the larger word “understanding”  was practiced every day, our troubles would be small. However, many of us still make “Mountains out of Mole Hills”. Which reminds me, I must trot on down to Mr. Mole’s house next to the hollow log and have a Holiday Toddy. Oh Yes Virginia, Mr. Mole is a real person. A right kindly old gent who loves to read and enjoys company- especially at this time of yea. He invites many friends  to make themselves comfortable in front of his roaring fireplace in his comfortable little house. 

Bless my whiskers! As I got through my days and read the news and such, do you know what upsets me Miss Virginia Adams?  One thing that upsets me is that story about those two lady bus drivers in Kingston who had to remove all their Holiday decorations on the school buses they drive.

And why?

Well, they might upset one of the kiddies who are non-Christian.

Isn’t that a lot of balderdash?

I mean really. Where’s is the understanding- the love? 

Does it upset you and I when we see a someone who has their head wrapped in a turban or a lady fully-draped in a robe from head to toe as they cross our paths at a busy airport? Does that infringe on our rights- religious or otherwise?

Absolutely not!

It is ridiculous to even think of it. 

So let those two ladies spread a bit of cheer. The Holiday Season is for all of us not just Christians. The Season is non-denominational these days and I for one couldn’t be more pleased.  

Are you surprized that I say that Virginia? 

People need to relax. Put their feet up and smile, dream and laugh along with the season. Leave religious faith out of it Virginia. It causes more problems than it resolves. Santa’s beena round a long time and I know this to be true. It’s just that things have to work themselves out and sometimes that takes centuries. Humans have to look after themselves. Put themselves first with health and spiritual concerns. The answers are all out there if one just takes the time to listen and hear. 

Now, of course if that’s what you want to do and it comforts you- all the better. Grab hold of your beliefs and ride that locomotive on the rails to redemption but leave others to have a good life- and a Godless one if that be the case. 

Ho Ho Ho.

I bet you didn’t think Old Santa could be so political or have views like that- eh? Well I live in this old world too Virginia. I know the world doesn’t revolve around me. It takes all of us to make the Human Race. Just sometimes we start to muck it all up! 

Oh, goodness gracious me. Ted my head Elf this year has just come into my office here

at The Pole. He tells me they need me in wooden toys and computer parts, so I had better close the old laptop for now. I’ll write a few more lines to you- Virginia Adams, very soon. 

Your friend,

Santa Claus.

ROBBLOG #348

Jesus Christ in a Manager scene! 

The Christians are pissed off at Captain Jack Sparrow.

It seems Sparrow’s real life nemesis has recorded a Christmas Song.

Maybe I should say a “Holiday” song. He teamed up with a bunch of British wankers- a group called “Babybird”, to record  a little holiday number simply called “The Jesus Stag Night Club”.

Its lyrics apparently tell the macabre story of a figure- alluding to be Mr. Christ, having a few drinkie-poos at a strip club. It doesn’t say if it’s a strip club will naked boobies or dickies.

The latter I hope.

I mean, I have always maintained that Jesus was fruity what with hanging around with those 12 sandal-clad boys and a Fag Hag Mary Magdalene, all those years!

A few lines go like this: 

"Saw a man in a bar with his hair like a lady.

Bloody thorns round his ear like he was a crazy.

He had holes in his hands and a cross for a spine.

Crushed a berry in his Perrier and called it wine." 

Ewwwww!

Not exactly Frosty the Snowperson or What Chide is This?

Now, this song has caught the ears of a religious group and their “Focus on Family” campaign. Why these Christians are listening to such a group is beyond me. After all, I am sure the group “Babybird” doesn’t spend its days sorting through Christian Rock songs- which I find disturbing, attempting to find a religious ditty that disgusts them. 

Good Lord, isn’t there a movie showing in theatres right now that they can picket because of questionable content? Isn’t Jake Gyllenhall showing his tight, little naked ass in another movie this Christmas Season? Isn’t Ryan Gosling displaying his perfect, picturesque stomach muscles in 3D along with God only knows what else?

Surely that is wrong.

It sounds pretty Gay to me too.

Not wrong.

Just Gay.

Nothing wrong with that these days. 

Anyhow without putting words into a Christian’s mouth- we all know only Jesus and God the Father can do that, a learned spokesperson says in a Christian Media release-

"We are sickened by Mr. Depp's behaviour. Why did he need to record this song? It is a slap in the face to Christians all over the world." 

Lee Douglas a member of The Christian Coalition adds fuel to the fires of Holy old Hell by adding-

"I'm sure he (Jack Sparrow/Johnny Depp) thinks he's being very funny but he's simply a disgrace. One day, Johnny Depp and his cronies will face the judgment of our Lord and they will burn in hell for this filth." 

Hmmm. Betcha a cookie to a crucifix, this fellah has never even heard a note- let alone a lyric, of the song. Of course, when have Christians ever looked before they’ve leaped- except when it’s a question of faith. You see, faith is a very powerful tool, that not even a Mr.Clean sponge can wipe clean. Once the bee sting of organized religion has stung you, you are a lost soul to those of us who once considered you apart of the human race. 

Surely the pious can look elsewhere this holiday season. I mean young people are taking their lives left and right from being bullied. Far Eastern Women are being stoned and in our own country, young women have been drowned all in the name of religion and God. 

Cripes take a swipe at Rosie O’Donnell. She’s out there!

She’s marrying a woman- again.

It’s Mary and Joseph you know, Rosie.

Not Mary and Karey!

Still, it’s all over the news.

Actually, why is that even making news anymore? 

But the bigger news is that NASA may have discovered another planet- like earth, that has an average temperature of 22 degrees celsius and has water and land. Heck, maybe even a Tim Horton’s on every corner.

Imagine if another planet like earth was found?

There goes religion.

I’m not sure that the Bible even mentions “life” on other planets- unless of course you’re talking Mormanisim- one of my favourite “isims”. They believe that God lives on one planet while Jesus has a globe of his own too. How did the rest of the Christian religions miss that one? I don’t see any Family Coalition being upset at that preposterous bit of clap trap.

The final word or words I suppose, goes to Babybird frontman Stephen Jones during this joyous Holiday Season. Stephen has brushed off the controversy regarding their Christmas song and Johnny Depp by saying- 

 "Some people have no sense of humour." 

In a recent interview Stephen Jones also said:  

“I was in a hotel room last year and in the bedside drawer was the Book of Mormon. But the second 'M' had been scraped off, so that immediately got my interest, and once I delved in, the lyrics for 'Jesus Stag Night' just flowed out of me as though the Lord himself had touched me in my secret place. 

Then, on his Twitter account Jones tweeted: 

“Christians go to Heaven. Sinners go to Hell. This is their message of Peace. Oh yes and Gays can F*** Off too. It’s a beautiful world Jesus!” 

If you want to hear the song, it’s on You Tube.
Go Fish. 

Happy Holidays!

ROBBLOG #346

Being in both Germany (Mainz) and France (Paris) last week was a wonderful experience- especially at Holiday time. 

The Christmas Markets we toured in Both Mainz and Paris is something we don’t see here in Canada- at least not in the Orillia area. Perhaps near Kitchener-Waterloo Christmas Markets exist- such as they do in Germany, because of the German Heritage. Remember that Kitchener was once Berlin, Ontario! 

In Paris, the Market stretched along the Champs Elysees. All the buildings were chalet style and painted a brilliant snow white. Spruce trees along the avenue were flocked white. Coloured rings that reminded me of large hula hoops hung from lamp posts and trees, their auras changing constantly. Most corners featured blue and white lights on trees and lit Christmas ornaments were in adundance in fountains and on walkways and Paris’ main shopping concourse. 

In the Mainz market thousands of white lights hung from trees and were suspended overhead. A huge advent whirligig/pyramid stood guard at the entrance while a life-size nativity scene was on display outside the Dome Cathedral in Mainz Market Square.

With all the history and tradition, it’s pretty hard to beat Paris and Mainz. 

Here at home when Tom and I lived in Mississauga, we made a yearly trek to Cullen Country Barns. The barns were torn down years ago to make way for development. That same fate eventually gobbled up Cullen Gardens and Miniature Village-although the City of Oshawa bought the whole village and has it in storage.

Too bad.

It was quite the display. 

Back in the late 80’s Weal and Cullen Garden Centres was a magical place at Christmas. We bought an 8 foot Cullen Country Supreme Spruce Tree one Christmas and it gave us service for 19 Christmases until the artificial needles began to drop- just like a real tree. Weal and Cullen’s decorations were beautiful and it was hard to browse and not make a purchase. Of course, Weal and Cullen no longer exists today.  

Another store that was loaded to the brim with holiday decor during the Christmas Season was White Rose. We always browsed White Rose during the Holidays Now, that store no longer exists across the country. 

There’s no shop in Orillia that comes close to those heady days of Weal and Cullen.Canadian Tire in Orillia has a terrific display of trees this year. So too- Home Depot.

Scott’s Garden Centre on Coldwater Road has the heady smell of Christmas with fresh fir and spruce. It’s not huge but it’s worth a visit. It’s just not the same as the huge space that both Weal and Cullen occupied.

Then, on the weekend we asked a friend to come with us for a drive to Barrie- like most Orillians, to make our first pilgrimage ever to Bradford Greenhouse Garden Gallery.

We all were absolutely blown away! 

There had to be 50+ decorated trees throughout the massive complex- all indoors. The fresh trees and garland were in a glass-roofed area of the store. When we walked through the front door, the heady fragrance of spruce and pine merrily slapped us in the face and memories of “real” Christmases of the 50’s and 60’s came flooding back.

Artificial trees of all shaped and sizes were stuck in every corner of the store. Some trees priced at over 1000 dollars. Beautiful, lush holiday arrangements gushed and draped over the edges of colourful cast iron urns. We bought a bright and shiny, holiday red urn for just outside the front door. It was so beautiful we couldn’t resist. We’ll make our own arrangement. 

At the base of every of the several dozen heavily ornamented trees, ornaments for purchase were kept in baskets overflowing with decorations. It was so easy to choose favourites from the trees. 

After walking for an hour or more there was a corner of the gallery that was absolutely beautiful. I was on Christmas overload. It was all so beautiful I could hardly believe it.

It took my breath away!

It practically brought tears to my eyes.

I had trouble taking it all in- like a 5 year old on Christmas morning. 

There was a myriad of trees all placed around the perimeter with a dark walnut dining room table anchoring the centre of the display. Ornaments featuring deep earth tones accented with copper, gold, velvety greens and burgundy covered the trees.This corner display was spectacular! I could barely catch my breath as I looked at each tree- some 12 feet tall!

I said to a sales staff standing nearby that if I were a “rich man” I would tell you to pack up everything and send it along to my house. Alas, I am not rich so I had to choose a half-dozen or so ornaments to add to my “romantically” themed parlour trees at home. 

Yes, I said trees. I have two Christmas trees bookending our fireplace all decked in gold, deep greens and burgundy with a whole lot of sparkle and wide translucent ribbons of burgundy, green and gold wrapped through the branches. Several hundred white lights twinkle from the decoration laden branches.

Beautiful- if I do say so myself!

There’s another tree in our Keeping Room heavily accented in red, branches covered with 500 white lights- some blinking and twinkling.

I love that tree too! It just seemed to come together so well this year- and I decorated before going to Europe since it would be December when we arrived home. 

This blogl sounds like one big commercial but if you’re lacking the Christmas/Holiday spirit this season, I guarantee that you will get in the spirit quickly with a tour.

Give yourself a few hours to see everything.

We’ll have to go back again.

There’s just too much to see!

Help yourself to a coffee and a small bag of popcorn when you make a donation to help the less fortunate this Holiday Season. 

Of course, Bradford Greenhouse and Garden Gallery is a business and everything is there for you to buy- even birdhouses, candles, framed prints, scarves, ribbon, wrapping paper and more but I’m sure you are quite welcome to browse. Items are nicely priced and I saw Christmas bobbles priced anywhere from $1.99 to $199 and more. 

However, if you just feel the need to browse don’t say I didn’t warn you- it will be difficult not to purchase something. Even if you invited old Ebenezer Scrooge along for the afternoon you’d be hard-pressed to leave empty-handed!

ROBBLOG # 345 W E E K E N D Edition

Okay folks, from here on in, it’s a definite test of one’s patience and “Holiday Cheer” when you venture into a busy department store or mall. The crunch is on! People are wide-eyed, like Bambi caught in the headlights of an oncoming Ford Falcon. We never seem to learn though. We never seem to have enough time. As a friend’s husband once said to “the Wife”-“Did you forget that Christmas falls on December 25 Dear?”

At our house we are cutting back again this year. After all we have just returned from a one week Holiday in Mainz, Germany and Paris, France. Funds are low. On top of that, I'm installing a new console/operation board in the Swisssh Radio Studio. That's cost is more than ~ahem~. Well, never mind that figure. Cutting back is not what Zellers, Wal*Mart, The Bay and Future Shop want to hear but that’s the lay of the land again this Holiday Season- for us at least.

Gift-giving? Well honestly, can you even remember what Uncle Stew gave you last Christmas? Probably not.
Now, we're not being total Scrooges. We are still buying a turkey, seeing holiday shows, a movie or two and buying little things for host(ess) gifts- if we happen to see friends over the Holidays but that’s it.

To be sure, the spirit of Christmas is still here at out house. The Non-Religious spirit that is. While a few friends and relatives do things for the Glory of Jesus and God at Christmas, we like to think of the Manager Story with a baby, Three Kings and Shepherds as charming little story set in a faraway land. We're not looking to bow down to some overpowering, love-demanding God that is going to promise us we'll see Heaven if we kiss his or her Christmas ass. It's something like Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and the Toronto Star. He's not kissing butt and neither is Torstar. No love lost there between a Conservative Bigot and Toronto's Number one Newspaper. Frankly, it makes me ill seeing pictures of the fat ****** every time I look at a newspaper or online edition.

One of the nicest things about the Holiday Season this year is the relatively low number of colourful, rubber monoliths that covered every lawn in Orillia just a few short years ago. We had neighbours- who have since moved away, cover every available space on the ground or rooftop with those things. Mickey, Goofy, Mini Mouse and more al starring at us throughout the season. It was too much! Fah-la-la-la-lah-la-la-la-lah!!

Good on the City of Orillia for providing free parking Downtown once again this year. I mean hardly anybody ever shops downtown because of the fear of a parking ticket or at the very least paying twice or three times the amount that one would at the mall or an outlet store. I say “bravo” just the same for still trying to convince us to shop downtown. At least for a few weeks when I pull into a lot to “Shop Downtown”, I am not frustrated searching for major coinage- when all I have is pennies, to feed the blasted meter. Any wonder it’s easier to drive to West Ridge or The Mall. Geeesh!

Speaking of Downtown finally the Opera House Christmas Tree is absolutely beautiful! I wonder if Krista Storey had something to do with that tree? I mean someone had to tell the “straight guys” they were mucking it all up when decorating that tree with those purplish-coloured lights! Like Christmas Decorating and Wedding Planning, the rule is- leave these things to Gay Men.

Many of us will choosae to shop online this year and wait for Canpar, the UPS Man or Canada Post,  conveniently delivering our purchases to our front doors. That’s a good idea. It might save you some time if you check the store’s website- if you intend shopping in person, to see if they even carry the item you’re searching for.

 Finally, I love Christmas music. I start playing it on Swisssh Radio the day that the Orillia Santa Claus Parade schlepped it's way through Downtown Orillia. I hear Christmas Music in the stores too. Oh, while on that subject, if Jesus exists and is reading this column, please make that Hippopotamus Song, any Christmas tune sung by Whitney Houston along with that freakin’ Mary’s Boy Child tune from Boney M- disappear.

God, Bless us every one!