ROBBLOG # 235

Out in the Barn Part III- Summer Sausage

“Hello Girls! What’s shakin?”

It was Helen from housestall twenty-two.

“Hey Helen. Nothing much. Lilloweth and I just watched a moovelous old moovie starring Rock Hudson.”-gushed Betsy.

“Such a handsome human. He was quite the looker in his day-wasn’t he?”- says Lilloweth.

“I suppose.” Helen sighed. “If you like that type of human”. Helen’s gaze was taken away to the north end of the barn where Farmer Frank was pitching fresh hay into the stalls. His forearms were bulging.

Betsy noticed her heavy sigh.
“Why Helen, I declare you have a thing for Farmer Frank and at your age too!”

“She has a what?” Lilloweth shut off the television and the Blue Ray player. “a crush on Farmer Frank?”

Helen was a little bit embarrassed. She looked at the barn floor and raising her head slowly said- “I’m not sure it’s a crush Lilly, it’s more of an appreciation for humankind. Just look at those brawny arms. See how strong Farmer Frank is? Why it’s as if he’s heaving nothing at all!”

“For goodness sake girlfriend. Get a grip. Yes of course we all think Farmer Frank is nice.”

“Kind too.”- Lilloweth added, “Most kind. Why he even bought me this lovely TV so I could watch my movies.”

“That’s right!”- says Betsy. “Now just how many farmers would do such a thing?”

“Oh I know he does all these kind things girls but...” Helen stopped mid-sentence.

“But what?”-quizzed Betsy.

“But. But. He still is a very handsome man and I just like to look. Why remember last summer when we were sprawled under that big old tree down by the swimming hole on that very hot summer afternoon?
The girls nodded.
“When all of a sudden along comes Farmer Frank.”

“Oh yes, I remember. He was clad in just a pair of little red bathing trunks.”-says Lilloweth. “He was just so darn handsome and human.”

“He was and do you remember what he did gals?”- Helen looked back and forth at Betsy and Lilloweth.
The gals shook their heads no.
“Well Dears I do. I remember only too well. He stopped at the big rock at the edge of the pond and looked this way and that.”
Helen demonstrated.
“Then he rolled those little red trunks down his belly and hind legs, crawled up on that big old rock and jumped with all the gusto he could muster right into that cool water!”

“Oh yes. It was quite the splash!”- cried Betsy. “Now that I think of it, Farmer Frank was the picture of athleticism that day! For a humankind at least!”

“Oh mooore than that!”-Lilloweth bellowed. “I remember thinking for a human, he was quite moovelously…”
She stopped for a moment and started to giggle. Betsy joined in.

“Girls! Girls! Get a grip!”- Helen was trying to hush the girls for she was certain that Farmer Frank would wonder what all the commotion and cow-giggles were about.
“Ladies!” Helen brought a hoof to her lips and motioned to Betsy and Lilloweth to be quiet. “Now, I am serious here. Keep your voices down. My goodness! What if Farmer Frank heard you cackling like a little schoolcow?”

Betsy gasped for air and through bovine tears of laughter she cried- “Helen do you remember what we all saw when Farmer Frank lumbered out of that pond that hot summer afternoon?”

Helen looked perturbed. “Of course, I remember Bets!”
She tried to keep a straight cowface. “We all lay there under that big old tree and when Farmer Frank came out of the water we all saw..?

“Yes? What did we see? Say it Helen!”- Lilloweth prodded her to tell the story.

“Helen continued. “We all saw him in the most humanist…”

“Yes! Humanist and…?? ” Betsy and Lilloweth could barely contain themselves.

Helen looked up the housestalls at Farmer Frank who was still pitching hay and said-
“Oh Girls, I’ll say it then. We saw his big human weenie!”

Betsy and Lilloweth dropped to their knees and started to laugh so hard they could barely catch their breath.

“Now stop it you two. You are terribly bad. Look. Hush up or Farmer Frank will throw down his pitchfork and come see what the trouble is!” Helen’s tone was firm. She tapped her hooves on the housestall floor.
Eventually Betsy and Lilloweth contained their laughter. Lilloweth spoke.
“Oh Dear Helen. That was quite a site to be sure. Why even the bulls were speechless. Who knew that human males could sling such sausage!”

In a brief second Betsy and Lilloweth were drowning in laughter once again.

“You two are just too much. I’ll see you both later when you have reached a certain level of decorum- for ladies of your “milk” that is.”

Helen sashayed away to her housestall. If she could have blushed, she would have. Her heart beat just a little faster too. As she turned into her housestall she grabbed another quick glance towards Farmer Frank and smiled sweetly.

If only…

ROBBLOG # 234 W E E K E N D Edition

Didyaever? Well, did ya?

Didyaever wish you could always remember where you last put your glasses?

Didyaever want to be able to grow Palm Trees in your yard?

Didyaever think that things in life couldn’t possibly get any worse than they are- and yet they do?

Didyaever want to be 20 again? Maybe 40? OK. I’ll take 50!

Didyaever wish that people who send you “SPAM” e-mails- about making your Penis bigger, would have their computers blow up in their face.

Didyaever think what it would be like if either Hugh Jackman (Wolverine) or Allan Hawco (Republic of Doyle) were your neighbours and they cut the grass a couple of times a week shirtless?
I know.
I am a tramp…and proud of the fact.

Didyaever hope that just for a change someone else would say “I’m sorry”?

Didyaever wonder why young people “spit”? Why can’t a huge gust of wind come up and throw that mouth gizm right back in their face.

Didyaever think seriously about global warming after the first week of this blasted month of March? What a charade.

Didyaever stop and think- why bother?

Didyaever wish that people were “colour” blind?

Didyaever put two and two together and eventually find you were wrong?

Didyaever cry during a movie or when your vet calls to tell you your yellow lab’s growth is benign?

Didyaever want to see someone who’s “passed on”- just one more time?

…..well, did ya?

ROBBLOG # 233

For pete’s sake, will March ever lighten up and give us a string of warmish, sunny, spring-like days?

I am fed up with all the snow and now- all the rain.
Of course, we don’t have to shovel the rain- do we?
Before you read further, I must warn you, I am in a bit of
a mood. Blame it on the rain. Some of the stuff that follows
is blunt to say the least. So you have been warned.

I see the Harperites are at it again. Running the Government of Canada…..uh….excuse me- The Harper Government, their way. Hardly seems like “our Canada” some days does it, yet many Canadians would gladly stand in line to kiss Harper’s big Conservative ass! Of course guess who would be first in line. So, if you are a dyed-in-the-wool reformer you couldn’t be first to smooch a lily-white buttock.

Like I said in a blog a few days ago, maybe it’s time to give Jack Layton a chance. Too bad we didn’t have a strong person running for the NDP in Simcoe North. See, if we could vote locally and for a leader we could place an “x” for Jack. Of course in our democracy we can’t. Soon in our dictatorship- run by one man and his party, there’ll be a lot of things we won’t be able to do.

What’s this crap about a “tea party north”. Can’t we ever come up with something on our own? Why as Canadians do we all have our lips firmly planted on American Ass? I mean really, there are some American asses I would love to kiss but the idea of a tea party in this land? On the other hand- or cheek if you will, there are some pretty cute Canadian asses I’d plant a smooch on too like Allan Hawco of CBC Television’s “Republic of Doyle”.
Now that’s Canada Grade a Prime!


Allan Hawco

 Do you remember me telling you in a blog a couple of years ago about that group of five guys who threw six dozen eggs on our house one Sunday evening in June about midnight? They not only threw eggs, they screamed- “Faggot!” Then they all ran up the street under the cover of darkness like the bunch of “pussies” they were- and are.
Charming eh?
I also told you the police dropped the investigation- at least we believe they did. You see, no one every told us one way or the other what happened with the on going investigation.
Then yesterday, I’m waiting to turn into my drive when I see two of these guys walk past on the sidewalk in front of our garage.
My heart skips a beat- and not in good way, every time I see them. One guy even nods and they both smile. Isn’t that nice and neighbourly?
I know their faces from the pictures the cops showed us. Guess we still have to live with these homophobic bastards living just up the street from our house.

So that monstrosity of a public library is taking shape on Mississaga Street, West- next to the Opera House. What do you think of it? Take an up close and personal look. Just walk around the back wall of the Opera House and look up. It can only get better but I think it’s going to be an albatross on the streetscape of Downtown Orillia.
That’s it for now. I feel a bit better. Bitching can be a good thing now and then- can’t it?
Hope you feel better now too.

Until next time…

ROBBLOG # 232

I watched a great little 10 minute video the other day.

Don Andrews a radio friend sent it to me.
I think he was prompted to do that after reading the last blog I wrote about Swisssh Radio turning four years old on March 7th 2011. It was a fascinating little video presentation from one of those “smart” fellows that do fascinating little videos.

This guy posts his stuff on You Tube and gets many thousands of hits and I presume, turns it into profit- somehow. The video talked about economic behaviour- and purpose.

Do you have purpose?
I believe I do.
Some days it doesn’t seem like I do but then I look around me and I realize I am quite the lucky guy because I do have purpose in my life- even today at my age.
Age.
That is another story for another time but as I get closer to my 60th this year, it is on my mind a lot. I believe it is good to have purpose at this advanced state of decay.

In a nutshell the video was talking about companies- employers, allowing their workforce to come up with ideas and such and not get results exclusively based on how much an employee gets paid.It was saying one should allow individuals to have and find purpose and they’ll blossom and the outcome will be tenfold. I don’t think I have covered all the angles here but you probably get the drift.

I believe in a small way, this is how I have always treated people and do so today especially with Swisssh and my theatrical group The Garage Door Players. I have purpose and allow people to develop purpose and ideas. Let them- as well as myself, challenge what they do. It is strange economic behaviour but people need to be challenged and have a purpose to do better. To be satisfied with the final result.

I challenge myself all the time.
I most certainly don't make much money at it.
I mean look- I just wrote one stage show back in the late summer /early fall. I directed it and hired the talent and starred in it in December- along with a terrific cast. We even managed to donate 600 bucks to a local non profit organization.

At the same time, I was also learning dialogue for another show- 450 lines of dialogue as a matter of fact in varying sizes. The longest was a page and a half monologue.
Challenging indeed!
All that dialogue took me weeks to learn.
That gave me purpose.

At the same time, I write almost daily- my RobBlog is just one example. I keep Swisssh Radio on the air and Swisssh the Website current on a daily basis.
I don't know how I do it all sometimes- or why I do it. There are times when I would just like to close everything down and sit and knit in a corner. That would have some degree of purpose- wouldn’t it?
Oh wait!
I just remembered.
I can't knit!

Sometimes there is payback. The show I just finished for Mariposa Arts Theatre called "Looking" is being picked up by another production company. They have hired the same actors and a couple of Stage Managers. The show- a Norm Foster comedy, will be part of the summer season at the Gravenhurst Opera House in July- fingers crossed. There are still some “t’s” to be crossed and “I’s” to be dotted.

Back to “purpose”.
I worked for Rogers when a local radio station was Lite FM and then JACK FM. All Rogers cared about was the profit margin. They made fewer of us at their Orillia station do the work of many.
There was no purpose. We should have been a vibrant part of the community we served. For the most part we were a masquerade. The staff lost purpose and we did less than we had ever done.
Many of the same staffers who worked their butts off for a radio station called “EZ Rock” just didn’t have the same drive for this company called Rogers.

I do far more these days for me, since retiring.
I am self-directed- that’s the term used in this video.
However, I don't make a ton of cash. I like being able to say to people- Hey, I am self-directed. It would be even more satisfying to have a million dollars in your bank account as you say it. The moral to this story and the video I watched?

If I could take what I know and mix it with the collective knowledge of a few friends and associates who have the same “bent”, it would translate our purpose into cash flow. I am talking about Net Radio Broadcasters if you are having difficulty following my thought. Our purpose would become greater and we'd be able to pay the bills and fly to Hawaii three or four times a year!!
That's the part that doesn't work.

Many people and organizations have economic purpose and expect me to put stuff on Swisssh the Website and Swisssh Radio for free.
They have purpose.
I have purpose as well.
I didn’t used to be so free but today- most of the time, I do it because it gives me purpose. I tend to be more selective- but not without purpose and definitely not profit.

The video is at http://www.thatvideosite.com/

Thus endeth my lesson.
I'm tired now.

ROBBLOG # 231

Swisssh Radio has been on the Internet as a Radio Station for 4 years March 7, 2011.

Happy Birthday to us,
Happy Birthday to us,
Happy Birthday Swisssh Radio-
Happy Birthday to us!

Please, if you must sing the song, do it quietly and under your breath. Somebody might be listening and charge you royalty fees on the song lyrics or music.

Yes, Swisssh Radio has made it to the 4 year plateau. Four years broadcasting 365 days a year, 24 hours a day. There were a lot of problems getting the station to run smoothly in the beginning. There were days when I wanted to throw several computers out the studio window. However, with Charles’ technical savvy, the station stayed on-air and is in a good place today. We wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for Charles.
Thank you Chuck!

The streams are smooth and consistent- unless Mr. Rogers decides to throttle the broadband which affects the encoders. He received a “stiff” e-mail letter from me two weeks ago and later that evening the throttling business stopped. Then again, that same week the CRTC also slapped his Net wrist and said- “stop what you’re doing to your customers. We know you’re throttling because we get letters!”
Once again they heeded the bosses at the CRTC.

Today on Swisssh you still hear great music. Eclectic and diverse. We’ve had “live” programming over the years from the likes of K.C. from California, Don Andrews from Studio B in Toronto and Phil Kushner from LG 73 in Vancouver. None of those shows are in existence today but there’s hope that Don Andrews will do something “live” again- if some sponsors get involved.

You still hear Don’s voice on commercials and station ID’s. I am so grateful for his help and he does it all whenever I ask and for a “pittance” too! He says it keeps him in coffee for Studio B.

Russ Horton- another Net Radio friend, runs D-Moos Halton Hills Radio in Georgetown.
He’s also ready to record a spot or two when I ask. I return the favour. Thanks Russ!

K.C. in Northern California at Humboldt 101 also does the occasional spot for me.
I am lucky in that regard.

Don Andrews could be in “living, breathing colour” daily- in the windmills of your radio mind, if we could just nab some high-profile sponsors like a Tim Horton’s or McDonalds etc. I have been trying but with no sales department and no contacts it’s a huge mountain to climb alone.
I have hope.

Today, Swisssh Radio has become an international station really. That’s why- in part, I don’t bother with fetching new, local advertisers. Half of the broadcast day listeners are from outside the Orillia area. I don’t know why locals aren’t listening. I guess like most things in Orillia, if there isn’t a hockey stick attached, most people could care less. Many may still not grasp listening to radio on the Internet. In Europe for instance, it’s second nature.
In the formative years of Swisssh the Website and Swisssh Radio, I did tons of local stuff. There were interviews, reviews of shows and stories. I was even on location at local events. It was fun but time-consuming. I started to do less.

There was no payback in most cases. Everybody wanted it for free. Nobody wanted to pay for something on the Internet- even though it took hours of my time. Initially I would get a couple of advertisers and then that stopped. The website Swisssh.ca will be 5 years old on July 20th.

Today, there are other sites out there. Some have come and gone but I keep plugging away. I am waiting for the day when larger advertisers will tie-in. As for the website, there used to be about 100,000 pages viewed each month. I don’t think I’ve checked the stats in more than a year. In fact I am toying with the idea of the website being strictly for Swisssh Radio and the “players” that allow you to listen. It would once again be a lot less work for me. For now though, the community info will remain on the site.

This celebration today is for Swisssh Radio. A happy 4 years old!
Listeners are diverse. I posted a blog a few weeks ago listing the city and country names of listeners. I can add to that again.
Swisssh Radio has listeners in:

Verona, Italy
Preston, U.K.
Lvov, Ukraine
London U.K.
Hsinchu City, Tawain
Moca, Puerto Rico
Beverley Hills, Florida (who knew?)
Pasali, Turkey
Nanaimo, British Columbia
Titz, Germany (Tee Hee!)
Thesssalonia, Greece
St. Petersburg, Russian Federation
Westchester, Illinois USA
Alcita, Japan
Richmond Hill, Ontario,
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan,
Schleiz, Germany,
Buxtehude, Germany,
Hamelin, Germany
Munchberg, Germany
Gladbeck, Germany
Becsvolgye, Hungary,
Dublin, Ireland,
Durham, North Carolina, USA
Gaborne, Botswana
Jerrabomberra, New South Wales, Australlia

Quite a list n’est ce-pas?
There’s more too.
Germany is the country with the most Swisssh Radio listeners. Many of them are daily listeners. Eat your heart out CBC Radio!
It’s difficult to build an advertising base on such widespread listenership. That’s why I have that little PayPal “donate” button on the website. If you have a PayPal account you can simply wish Swisssh Radio a happy 4th Birthday by slipping a few bucks our way to pay for the servers that send the signal to your computer.
I would be humbled.

Yes, much has changed in 4 years. Net Radio is more portable. I listen to Swisssh in my vehicle through my iPad. You can also listen through an iPhone. I know of several listeners who do using an FM transmitter. They’re cheap at The Source.

Finally, thanks for listening and the support that comes from those of you that listen to Swisssh Radio or at least browse the website. We love to get your e-mails- swisssh@rogers.com

It is sincerely appreciated!

ROBBLOG # 230 W E E K E N D Edition

That cutie-pie Jack Layton is having surgery.

It happens Friday and he hopes to be up and walking for the weekend. Olivia- Mrs Layton, Chow has high hopes. He’s been stumbling around on crutches trying to keep hairline fracture damage in his hip, to a minimum. It hasn’t helped so he goes under the knife.

Jack hopes that he’ll be back in the House of Commons for Harper’s budget. In fact from what I have read, it may be Mr. Layton who actually saves Parliament. It would give the Harperites a few more months to “hang” themselves or to…no, hang themselves.

Here’s a wish I have.
Let’s just vote for Jack and the NDP this time and see how he runs the country. I think it would be good.
It would be a change.
God at this point a moose living at 24 Sussex would be a welcome change.

Hey did you see where the words- “Harper Government” has effectively replaced “The Government of Canada” on official forms.
Can you believe it?
That Harper guy must have had his lawyers look into the legality of “Harper Government” because he is within his rights- apparently.

Here’s how I feel.
First of all, Jesus, Mary and Joseph help us all if he gets his majority but a lot of us are just playing stupid right now. Stupid and mad at anything that’s Liberal.
We wouldn’t want to vote NDP- that’s commie stuff, right?
Yet, how soon we forget all the monkey business pulled by the Harperites over the past five years.

It’s just that in my mind the Government of Canada is my Canada and it is much more than Stephen Harper- or the Conservative/ Alliance/Reform Party.
Bloody redneck Baptists that they are!
Guess you know that I am not a fan.

Don’t feel bad about my intense dislike of Mr. Harper and what he believes in.
It’s nothing that personal, Steve.
Look, I feel the same way about Jesus and organized religion too.
You should just read yesterday’s blog about the Pope making the Jews feel all better. Releasing them from their guilt as it were.

The Government of Canada is more than a federal party.
It’s the history, the freedom and the maple leaf flag as well as all the various departments that make up our government.
It’s not just the Harper Government.
That should just remain a “media term” and nothing more.

So Jack, I hope you mend well and fast. Seeing you in person at Pride the past two years you seemed healthy and happy. Yes, the prostate thing has been unfortunate and now your hip surgery but you’ll get by and be well.

Your time is here now and you have respect which is more than that other fellow could ever hope for or attain.

P.S. He's a good hugger too as I experience at Toronto Pride two yaers ago.

ROBBLOG # 229

My God- the Pope has made a statement- again.

He has told the whole world that Jews are not responsible for the eath of Christ. Oh well, that makes everything all right then- doesn’t it?

Yup, the Pope who is about to release his next book on Christ after a riveting first volume on Jesus as a kid, has said- “sorry, if we’ve been a bit of a pain these past centuries but hey, we are only human- well most of you anyway- and we are really, really deeply ashamed if we’ve caused you- those of the Jewish Faith, any harm or ill-will. We’ll even beat our genuflecting asses raw with a wet noodle if that will make you feel any better.

Well, okay.
Fine.
That makes it just hunkey-dorey doesn’t it?
That ought to put an end to anti-semetism once and for all.
Thank you Pope!
Thank you very much.

Good Gosh, its taken God and his Heavenly son ,Jesus, a long time to sift through the evidence on their huge desk in their huge Heavenly office- on level three of course, to come to this realization. I would presume having all those handsome, half-naked, muscular men-angels working for them is just a bit of a temptation. It probably slows the work down just a tad what with lunches and parties and such.
Well, you’ve seen mad men…
Although with Christ actually being there in person when this persecution happened down here on earth, one would think that this whole fuck-up could have been straightened up much earlier.


The Pope havin' a "nosh" with one of the faithful

 I know things must get pretty hectic in Heaven what with deciding who should die and who should live. Who should win 50 million dollars and who shouldn’t. What country deserves divine light showered upon its people and what country should be treated like so much dirt beneath God’s feet.
No, I am not suggesting any country. You figure it out.

On another matter, for I have always wondered, did Jesus convert to Christianity when he flew back to Heaven or is he still a Jew?
What about his Mum?
We know Dad is “omnipresent” so that probably excludes him from being anything but God.
Wouldn’t want to piss off the Muslims, would we?

However, I wonder what those that lived here on earth before ascending to Heaven decided, once they arrived at the Pearly Gates. Of course, I am quite certain that many of them just got a green pass and didn’t have to stop at security like the rest of the world’s millions. I can see the signs at the Gates-

Jesus and the Holy Family please pass through under the sign marked “Special Priviledges”.

Christians form line here.
Jews line up here.
Those who aren’t sure form a line here.
Those wanting to return to Earth immediately line up here and have your passport ready for presentation to the Angel.
Those in wheelchairs or needing other types of assistance, please wait until an Angel Agent is available to assist you.
Finally, Atheists please take the elevator on your right and press basement level.

The Pope doesn’t say how he received this message from God that the Jews aren’t at fault. Maybe a phone call at 3 a.m. Maybe a telepathic message. Maybe he just made it up because it was a slow day at the Vatican.
Who knows?
Maybe he just wanted to sell a book or two. He might even sit down with Peter Mansbridge- One on One, just to promote the Hell out of his new book.

So, if you’re Jewish, take heart that you have been forgiven by the only true church on the face of the earth. All others pale in comparison both faith-wise and money-wise.
You see, that’s the way God likes it.

The Catholics bought the rights years ago.