Friday, June 22, 2012


A Todd Fiord Minute

Press Aide: Ladies and Gentlemen, Mayor Todd Fiord.

~swisssh, glug, shuffle, roll, phart~

Fiord: Ah yes. I am here to raise the flag for National Deep Fryer week. A week near and dear to my heart. In fact, all my vital arteries. Hah! Hah!

Citizen # 1: But Mayor a week for deep fried fat? Isn’t that unhealthy?

Fiord: What the fracus do you fudge-eating folks want from me? I’m here for your stupid flag raisin’ ain’t I? What does a fellow have to do to please you creeps- turn Gay or something? Wait. To Aide: Strike that from the record.

~ phart, roll, jiggle~

Aide: Mr. Mayor there is no record. We aren’t keeping an official copy of what you’re saying here.

Fiord: And why the Hell should you? To the Citizens: You’re nothing but a bunch of commie left wingers who care nothing for me, your city or even this country- for that matter. Why don’t you all pack up and head back to China where you belong.

Citizen #2: But Mr. Mayor, none of us are Asians here!

Fiord: I can’t tell anymore. Everyone in this City looks Chinese to me. I ride the subway and I have to have two orders of chicken balls and a side of fried rice when I get off at my stop.

Citizen # 1: Mayor, isn’t that a little bit racist?

Fiord: Racist? Never heard of the word! Now let me raise this Fryer Flag so I can go and get an order of Chicken Balls. You’ve made me hungry now!

Citizen #2: Mr. Mayor, on that subject…

Fiord: Shit. Here comes a bunch of idiotic questions from the homosexual sympathizers. What the nelly old hell do you people want? I am a very busy Mayor you know. You’re going to upset my stomach with your Homosexual platitudes.  You might even make me cry. My family hates it when you make me cry.

Citizen # 2: Mr. Mayor Do you plan to be at the Gay Pride Flag Raising.


Mayor aside to Aide: Why the fudge didn’t you tell me that crap is about to start. Cripes,
can’t they send those sissies and Dykes back to Lesbos where they belong?

~ phart, roll, jiggle~

Aide: Mr. Mayor. It’s just a simple raising of a flag. It doesn’t have to mean anything. It doesn’t mean you’re Gay or anything.

Fiord: I hope to Jesus it doesn’t. Look I don’t wanna be around those types. They make
my skin crawl leering and staring at me and this big, beefy body of mine. What if one of them made a pass at me or tried to kiss me?

Aide: Really Mr. Mayor, I don’t think that would ever…

Fiord: Ever what? Happen? You don’t think I could be attractive to the same sex?

Aide: No. No. It’s not that. It’s just…

Fiord: Never mind. I think I’m going to throw up!

Aide: So are you going to be at the Flag Raising or not?

Fiord: No Fucking Way! Tell them I have a dentist appointment or something. I am not about to spend my summer kissing a bunch of Fag’s asses when I could be sitting on mine drinking a beer and eating balls. Chicken balls I mean! Not “man balls”. So you better think of something to say or I’ll ram that flagpole up your ass!

~ phart, roll, jiggle, phart, Hah, Hah~

Aide: Mr. Mayor. Really? ~his hands are strategically placed on his hips~

Fiord: Really? What is this?

Aide: What?

Fiord: This way you’re standing with that pair of sissy hands on those pear-shaped things you call hips. Now shut the fuck up and say something to them!

Aide: ~Ahem~  In answer to your question regarding the Pride Flag Raising…ummm. Mayor Fiord is…or rather he is about to….he really feels…

Fiord: ~slaps him on the buttocks~ Get on with it little fellah! Now!

Aide: Umm. Well, Mayor Fiord has a previous engagement. This flag raising for Fryer Week is concluded. There will be no questions.

Citizen # 2: Well that figures, so we won’t see you in the Pride Parade either Mr. Mayor?

Fiord: The only thing you’ll see me at is a parade of your asses when I have you deported to Peurto Rico, where there are plenty of your types.

~ phart, roll, jiggle~

Citizen #2: But…I am not Gay.

Fiord: Right and Stephen Harper is a Catholic. Hah! Hah! Get away from me Nancy Boy!

Aide: Like I said that’s it for now folks!