Here's a little something I wrote recently. I don't know where the idea came from. Perhaps I saw a kid playing with a paddle ball and a bus rambled on by.
I don't know.
Enjoy. The story is called Herschel.
“Herschel,
quite playing with your balls on the bus.”
Smack! Smack! Smack!
“It’s
irritating. Honestly, you could poke someone’s eye out with those things and
that wood you’re holding, just leave it be!”
Mother seemed angered this morning. Herschel
tried not to notice.
“Herschel!”
She was sounding a bit more gruff now.
“Herschel
Lieberwitz! Are you paying attention to
me or not?”
Herschel now knew Mother meant business.
“Yes. I
hear you. Stop batting my balls and put
my paddle away.”
Mother looked down at Herschel sitting beside
her on the Southbound A-43 Bus. She was obviously a little puzzled by what she
heard.
“What?”
“Paddle!
I am putting my paddle away!”
“That’s
a new one. Your Father- God rest his soul, nevah called it that but call it
what you will Herschel, just put it away.”
Herschel did. He rammed it into his sack by
mistake as the bus hit a bump. It hurt a bit. He had meant to put it in his
backpack.
“Ouch!”
“What
now Herschel?”
“Nothin’.
I just rammed my wooden paddle into my private place. I meant to put it into my
backpack!”
Mother looked more severe. Mrs. Ottoman was
sitting opposite them on the Southbound A-43 Bus and she hoped to Heaven she
hadn’t heard what this son of her’s just said.
“What
kind of filthy remark is that? The words you use Herschel Leiberwitz. Sometimes
I think I should was your mouth out with Oxydol.”
“Gee,
my teeth would sure be white- wouldn’t they?”
“Very
funny Herschel. Very funny. Now just sit up straight and be respectable.”
Herschel
reached into his backpack and pulled out an all day sucker he had bought at
Anderson’s Confectionary a couple of days before. He started to slurp and suck
and slurp real hard.
“Now
what?”
“Herschel
didn’t know what to say so he said-
“What,
what?”
“What is
that sticking out of your mouth young man?”
“It’s
my all day sucker.”
“A
sucker? You are sucking on a sucker on the Southbound A-43? Hershel you are
making so much noise somebody is gonna think you are sucking on something big!
That’s what somebody is going to think. Slurping and smacking and slurping!”
“Maw, I
can’t believe you said that. Mrs. Ottoman is starring right over here from across
the aisle.”
Mrs. Ottoman was a bit red in the face but
she was indeed starring.
Mother spoke.
“Whatszamattuh
Flo, ain’t you nevuh seen a kid sucking on a big one before? Hershel! Stop
sucking while I’m talking-do yuh hear me?... because I can hardly hear what I
am saying to Mrs.Ottoman across the aisle here!”
He took one last big slurp just for good
measure. Then, he stopped and stuck the sucker onto a piece of wax paper and shoved
it roughly into his backpack.
Mother scowled.
“Just
like your fucking father. I say no and he has to have one more slurp. That man
was nevah satisfied. Do you hear me Herschel? Nevah. He was neveah satisfied!
“Allright.
Allright. I heard you and now so has the entire Southbound A-43 including Mrs.
Ottoman.”
“Why I
oughta smack you right in your gezeldagoint. Try getting a girl to look at you
twice with a swollen gezeldagoint! It won’t be easy Herschel!”
“Maw. Lower
your voice. You’re getting upset over nothing. It was just a sucker. Nothing more!”
Mother folded her arms across her ample
bosums.
“Well
you were working that sucker like a pro. Let me tell you that much Herschel.
Like a pro!”
“Maw,
this is our stop. You still want to stop by Mr. Dressler’s Deli to buy those cow
balls, don’t you?”
“Cowballs?”
Mother looked at Mrs. Ottoman.
“You
try all you can to bring ‘em up proper like and this is what you get- A potty
mouth!”
She turns to Herschel and cuffs him behind
the ears.
“Owww
Maw.What did ya do that for?”
“Herschel.
Mr. Smartypants they are not balls they are referred to as sweatmeats and I’ll
have you respect that young man. What are we doing here? Riding the gutter bus
to Krackatoah East of Java? Get up!”
She
turns to Mrs. Ottoman.
“Have a
nice day Ida.”
She steps
down from the bus into the glorious June sunshine. Herschel follows a few steps
behind her with his hands down the front of his pants.
The
doors close and the Southbound A-43 continues along.
