Thursday, May 26, 2011

ROBBLOG #270 W E E K E N D Edition

What are you doing October 21st?
(sung to the tune of What Are You doing New Year’s)

Two blogs ago… I had some things to say about Judgement Day which by the way has now been moved to October 21st.

On Monday Mr. Camping told the world- “I made a goof. When I took the Virgin Mother’s birthday and multiplied it by Mary Magdalene’s cup size and Lazarus’s dick size, I came up short.
So did Lazarus by the way.
Look he says.

If you read the blog before the last one you’ll know all about Jeff! He always starts an important thought with the word “look”! It’s supposed to make you pay attention.

Look- the Rapture, the Menopause, the Toothache, whatever you want to name it, is a falsehood. All that biblical stuff that many of you on your plane believe is all invalid.
A lie.
A fabrication.
But I have “faith” you say.
Hey you all have faith when you sit comfortably strapped into your seat on a Boeing 777, confident that all that metal, cloth, glass and seats are going to lift off and take you 35 thousand feet into the air. Now that is real faith that results in success every time.

Well you say, what about the word of God that God himself wrote down in the Bible?
Yuh see folks, here is where it all starts to fall apart.
That’s Jeff talking…again.

Goodness, Jeff is really taking over this blog. Usually he stays more in the background. He must be pissed!

Many people say that they are faithful to the bible no matter what- even though some goody-two-shoe’d minister of Christ is sitting pretty with all their money while he sits in party-heaven with not a care in the world. This guy doesn’t have to order the lunch special ladies and gentlemen- he can order anything he wants right off the menu. He’s that rich and he pulls each and every one of his followers in and stomps on them- figuratively speaking- then takes their money.

Wahhhh. Wahhhh. Wahhhh. Some idiot follower of this Judgement Day quack says-
That’s Jeff again…

“I'm still faithful to the Bible, because the Bible is the only word of God, we can trust what the Bible says, not what men say.”

Jesus, Mary and Joseph- a nice story by the way, the freeking Bible is just a book of stories- some terrifying, all written by mortal man. Men who needed a shave and stank of years and months of sweat- particularly around their festering private areas,

...again, that’s Jeff- not me…

sitting around a table swilling red wine, thinking about a lusty pair of big, shiny prosti-tuty tits, all the while pretending they were hearing Holy words from the Heavenly Father- just like the Pope and every Mormon on this earth- except for Mormon women of course, who just don’t count.
At all!

...ummm. That was…you get the idea. Onward Jeffery!

Some half-decent writers over the years scrawled on papyrus and sheep hides, little tales of figures like the one about Moses who lived to be 400- really? 400?- and led a parade of souls across the desert for 40 odd years. Hence, the name of the plant Wandering Jew that trickles and cascades from pots that hang in kitchen windows across the country- or pot at least.

Like George Michael says- who gets his jollies from the aforementioned “pot” or from men hiding behind trees in dark parks or sitting in cars in sparsely lit parking lots, “…You’ve Got to Have Faith.”

That’s what your life- your association to some Heavenly Creature comes from.
You can’t argue with Faith.
I hear you try all the time.

Those of you who believe in a benevolent, loving God who on one hand you believe wants to clutch you to his bosom and who on the other hand would just as soon smite you- even though you turn the other cheek, dropping you to the ground where he can kick you into submission or at least pour huge buckets of a melted alloy such as silver or gold over your head as your brain and face melt, just to make you conform- and believe.
(I think that was from a Televison show. Someone poured hot, liquid metal over someone’s head. To be truthful. I couldn’t watch.)

Oh grow some! Pouring hot, liquid metal over someone’s head is infinitely less cruel than being nailed up for a day or so in the hot afternoon sun while crows and flies eat away at your flesh.

…Ahhh, Jeff, is this necessary?.......OK. OK! You’re the guide. You’re over there and I’m still here…


Uh-oh here he goes again…

This God some of you believe in on your plane, loves people who conform. Here on this level we don’t believe in that word- conform.
You are who you are.
You do what you do.
Some people just do “it” better than others.
Let’s face it why, would anyone bow down and praise a beast who wants to tell you what part of his anatomy you can kiss and when- if you don’t believe.
Figuratively speaking, I mean.

...~ahem~ that’s Jeff…

The same Spiritual figure who’s people (followers) say one man should not shove his “hoo-haw” into any orifices belonging to another man. However, it’s quite alright to shove a bullet in a gun and make a new orifice in a man.

Okay, Jeff. I’m not sure that he thinks that is right- some of his followers do and they look to the verse- an eye for an eye, to make it alright. Look. People. Just relax. Have a good time until you join us on this plane. There are not a lot of rules here.
As we say on this side-
“Rules are just guidelines for stupid people!”

By the time you get here- no matter how much time you spend there, you pretty much get it.
What’s that saying you folks carve into rocks on your summer patios and gardens?
Oh yes…
Live. Laugh. Love.
Truer words people!

Now it’s my turn.
Judgement Day is just another day- like Saturday was, I suppose. Now Mr. Camping and those of his ilk will have to devise another “holy” way to rip off followers of their hard-earned money.

In the meantime, let’s set our sights on the next crisis.

Jeff says- Oh you mean the Mayan Prophecy that the end of the world is December 12, 2012?

No Jeff Dear, like the fact that Tim Horton’s has raised their coffee prices…again.