ROBBLOG # 272

Do We Really Care?...Really?

Some days there are just so many little things that individually none of them make up an entire blog. So here are a few items to teensey-tiny to make up a full Blog.

1. Canada Post is warning us they are going to strike. Hmmm. Like do we really care? I mean really? My bills come online. I never get a letter. Seldom a postcard. Just advertising and some letters- almost daily, from the bank telling us how rich we aren’t! So get out there and strike all through the long, hot summer. Enjoy the fires you startin those big barrels at the checkpoints you set up. I mean if you did a half-decent job I’d be there with you but with the exception of our sub post office in a nearby Shoppers Drug Mart, your customer service stinks- not you Ben!

2. A boy was voted Prom Queen at his High School. He dressed as Lady Gaga to receive the crown.      Ho-Hum.

3. They’re talking about ripping down the old Sundial Restaurant in Orillia. Again?

4. Summer’s here and the young smart-alec assholes and assorted sluts are walking the park again. They’re screaming “Fuck” at the top of their lungs, and forcing us “oldsters” to endure the rough talk (like I can’t stream an impressive string of cusswords together) as we squeeze past them on the boardwalk. As we walked near the parking lot at the north end of Couchiching Beach Park we noticed two “young ladies” sunning in bikinis atop a black pickup truck’s black cap. Right away these young ladies should realize- no advertising needed. You sun on the top of a pickup truck on bikinis and you’re instantly entered in the “Slut Parade”. Yeeeee Haaaawww.

5. Now with this item we may care- but it’s a “we can’t do anything about it unless we take the bus”- which is tough to do crossing the Atlantic or Pacific. situation. As if air fares aren’t staggeringly high enough, airlines around the world including our beloved Air Canada and upstart WestJet, find was to charge passengers extra. For instance in 2009, Air Canada ranked eighth worldwide, charging passengers for this and that- like food. They hauled in $743.7 million in extra revenue. Air Canada also ranked in the top 10 that year for what is called “ancillary revenue per passenger”.
Since then Air Canada doesn’t release figures these days. Hmmm. Must be terribly lucrative this ancillary passenger revenue. This is the same airline that pays its CEO millions. He’s received something like a thousand percent raise in recent years as employees are still held to cutbacks and are having pension plans threatened.
What about little old WestJet? Although smiles and onboard giddiness abound- I hear pilots are regular comedians, they make some extra cash by charging passengers for a second bag.

6. Sir Conrad Black may go back to jail after losing another appeal. Do we really care. For God’s sake just let the man go. We get it already. Even billionaires can go to jail Geesh!

7. A Doctor has told Amy Winehouse to stop drinking or die. She was too drunk to understand. Do we really care?...and just who the hell is Amy Winehouse?


God Hates FAGS?

8. In the wonderful United States of America, a country that all other worldly countries wish to emulate and 90% of Canadian want to be citizens of, the KKK is now protesting against the protesters namely that Baptist Church that hangs out at funerals with those huge signs “God Hates Fags”. Talk about two nothings getting together to make even more nothing. Well it keeps them busy. Isn’t it just the least bit strange that the KKK still exists in America. I daresay if one looks far enough one could find a chapter or two in say- Alberta!! Do we really care? I guess not. At least we try to believe we don’t…

9. Oh Dear. Do we really care? Comedian Andy Dick has been charged with hitting a patron of a comedy club- where he was performing, straight in the face. Wait for it…
With his penis!

10. The NHL returns to Winnipeg. Do we really care? Just an excuse to drink beer and spit it on the fan in the seat in front of you. Charming.

ROBBLOG # 271

What To Do When There’s Nothing To Do?

For those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer when you have plenty of idle time- unless you’re watching the grass grow, I offer you a compendium of meaningless activities.

1. Make a video of a mosquito sucking blood from your forearm and upload it to You Tube.

2. Google “Cannibalism among British Blue Bloods”. Yup, Royals used to feast on the lower classes with the notion that they could sidestep disease- unless of course the “meal” had the plague or something. Even at beheadings the lower-classes folk would sop up the blood for a late night beverage hoping to attain some of the Royal vigour. You know, on second thought, just leave it be.

3. Call someone from the telephone book- or 411 online, just to ask them if their refrigerator is running. If they answer- yes...you say- well ya better go catch it then!
Juvenile, I know…

4. Construct a dartboard with the Prime Mister’s face on it and then….naw! It’s too easy.

5. Take up axe-throwing as a hobby and practise in a nearby park on a sunny Sunday afternoon.

6. Lose a few unwanted pounds. Go on the “Eat Only What You Kill Diet”.

7. Makeup a new law something like- You can’t have Sex with your partner- if they’re unconscious. Wait, the Supreme Court in Ottawa just covered that one? Nevermind.

8. Strap yourself to the top of the CN Tower and walk around its perimeter…Excuse me?
What’s that? You’re kidding. They’ve already thought about that one? Who knew?

9. Invite a few friends to an elegant sit-down dinner and serve KFC’s Double Down as the entre.

10. Drive to a “strip mall” and take your clothes off while you shop.

If you feel you’d like to add to the list, send me an e-mail. Meanwhile, never say you never have nothing to do.

ROBBLOG #270 W E E K E N D Edition

What are you doing October 21st?
(sung to the tune of What Are You doing New Year’s)

Two blogs ago… I had some things to say about Judgement Day which by the way has now been moved to October 21st.

On Monday Mr. Camping told the world- “I made a goof. When I took the Virgin Mother’s birthday and multiplied it by Mary Magdalene’s cup size and Lazarus’s dick size, I came up short.
So did Lazarus by the way.
Look he says.

If you read the blog before the last one you’ll know all about Jeff! He always starts an important thought with the word “look”! It’s supposed to make you pay attention.

Look- the Rapture, the Menopause, the Toothache, whatever you want to name it, is a falsehood. All that biblical stuff that many of you on your plane believe is all invalid.
Hogwash.
A lie.
A fabrication.
But I have “faith” you say.
Hey you all have faith when you sit comfortably strapped into your seat on a Boeing 777, confident that all that metal, cloth, glass and seats are going to lift off and take you 35 thousand feet into the air. Now that is real faith that results in success every time.

Well you say, what about the word of God that God himself wrote down in the Bible?
Yuh see folks, here is where it all starts to fall apart.
That’s Jeff talking…again.

Goodness, Jeff is really taking over this blog. Usually he stays more in the background. He must be pissed!

Many people say that they are faithful to the bible no matter what- even though some goody-two-shoe’d minister of Christ is sitting pretty with all their money while he sits in party-heaven with not a care in the world. This guy doesn’t have to order the lunch special ladies and gentlemen- he can order anything he wants right off the menu. He’s that rich and he pulls each and every one of his followers in and stomps on them- figuratively speaking- then takes their money.

Wahhhh. Wahhhh. Wahhhh. Some idiot follower of this Judgement Day quack says-
That’s Jeff again…

“I'm still faithful to the Bible, because the Bible is the only word of God, we can trust what the Bible says, not what men say.”

Jesus, Mary and Joseph- a nice story by the way, the freeking Bible is just a book of stories- some terrifying, all written by mortal man. Men who needed a shave and stank of years and months of sweat- particularly around their festering private areas,

...again, that’s Jeff- not me…

sitting around a table swilling red wine, thinking about a lusty pair of big, shiny prosti-tuty tits, all the while pretending they were hearing Holy words from the Heavenly Father- just like the Pope and every Mormon on this earth- except for Mormon women of course, who just don’t count.
At all!

...ummm. That was…you get the idea. Onward Jeffery!

Some half-decent writers over the years scrawled on papyrus and sheep hides, little tales of figures like the one about Moses who lived to be 400- really? 400?- and led a parade of souls across the desert for 40 odd years. Hence, the name of the plant Wandering Jew that trickles and cascades from pots that hang in kitchen windows across the country- or pot at least.

Like George Michael says- who gets his jollies from the aforementioned “pot” or from men hiding behind trees in dark parks or sitting in cars in sparsely lit parking lots, “…You’ve Got to Have Faith.”

That’s what your life- your association to some Heavenly Creature comes from.
Faith.
You can’t argue with Faith.
I hear you try all the time.

Those of you who believe in a benevolent, loving God who on one hand you believe wants to clutch you to his bosom and who on the other hand would just as soon smite you- even though you turn the other cheek, dropping you to the ground where he can kick you into submission or at least pour huge buckets of a melted alloy such as silver or gold over your head as your brain and face melt, just to make you conform- and believe.
(I think that was from a Televison show. Someone poured hot, liquid metal over someone’s head. To be truthful. I couldn’t watch.)

Oh grow some! Pouring hot, liquid metal over someone’s head is infinitely less cruel than being nailed up for a day or so in the hot afternoon sun while crows and flies eat away at your flesh.

…Ahhh, Jeff, is this necessary?.......OK. OK! You’re the guide. You’re over there and I’m still here…

Conform.
Look,

Uh-oh here he goes again…

This God some of you believe in on your plane, loves people who conform. Here on this level we don’t believe in that word- conform.
You are who you are.
You do what you do.
Some people just do “it” better than others.
Let’s face it why, would anyone bow down and praise a beast who wants to tell you what part of his anatomy you can kiss and when- if you don’t believe.
Figuratively speaking, I mean.

...~ahem~ that’s Jeff…

The same Spiritual figure who’s people (followers) say one man should not shove his “hoo-haw” into any orifices belonging to another man. However, it’s quite alright to shove a bullet in a gun and make a new orifice in a man.
Semantics.

Okay, Jeff. I’m not sure that he thinks that is right- some of his followers do and they look to the verse- an eye for an eye, to make it alright. Look. People. Just relax. Have a good time until you join us on this plane. There are not a lot of rules here.
As we say on this side-
“Rules are just guidelines for stupid people!”

By the time you get here- no matter how much time you spend there, you pretty much get it.
What’s that saying you folks carve into rocks on your summer patios and gardens?
Oh yes…
Live. Laugh. Love.
Truer words people!

Now it’s my turn.
Finally.
Judgement Day is just another day- like Saturday was, I suppose. Now Mr. Camping and those of his ilk will have to devise another “holy” way to rip off followers of their hard-earned money.

In the meantime, let’s set our sights on the next crisis.

Jeff says- Oh you mean the Mayan Prophecy that the end of the world is December 12, 2012?

No Jeff Dear, like the fact that Tim Horton’s has raised their coffee prices…again.

ROBBLOG #269

I fully intended to give your Part II of the previous blog today. It’s called “What are You doing October 21st?” sung to the tune of “What Are You Doing New Years?” but I have decided to let that blog wait for another day.

You see I watched the final Oprah show. The Farewell.
First off, I really like the lady. I admire the empire she has created and for doing a TV show for 25 years that has ultimately spun off into her own Television Network here in Canada.

I’m just not a daily fan of her show. I tuned in to the final show because I am a sucker for emotion played out “live” on stage. I wanted to see how a powerful woman- like Miss Winfrey, would say goodbye to the millions of viewers who helped to built her empire. I didn’t see the big goodbye played out a week ago in that huge arena. I haven’t seen a picture, much less a video of the performance.
Performance you say?
Yes.
Performance.
That’s exactly what it was both last week and today- The Final Farewell.
She is an actress after all.
She’s a star.
Bette Davis would have done the exact same thing- if she had of had her own show.

What Oprah did and said was extremely heartfelt, only it was scripted and played to a hand-picked audience just the same.
Am I faulting her for that?
What?
Me with only 2 dollars and ninety-five cents in the bank and a fledging radio station and website?
Not on your life!
I envy her the power of the words she spoke.
I envy her, her life.
Her position.
Her money.
After all that’s what it’s really about- isn’t it?
She’s comfortable.
She can pay the bills. That’s what we all want and try to do on a daily basis.
Just once I wanted her to jump up and down and say-

“Heeh Hah. I am rich, rich, rich. I love it. I love being rich.Thank You!!”

She can effectively make us all sob our hearts out as she says goodbye…
Yes. That’s right. I teared up too.
She looked so sweet in pink. I am sure it was a tough show to get through.
Like a funeral- only a happy kind of sad.

So she makes us feel all fuzzy.
She even mentioned – The Gays!
Bye Oprah ~sob~.
Goodbye lovely Oprah ~sob~
How will we get through our days without you?
Dunno.


Oprah- Pretty in Pink (Ho/Reuters Photo)

 Does she care?
She told you how to do it. Weren’t you listening?
She said- It’s your life. Get out there and do it and live it.
Okay.
Maybe you don’t have the money she does and maybe you can’t do something on such a grand scale but if you want to be a TV host for example, approach the local cable outlet and do a show. You could host a show on Swisssh Radio. I always say speaking on Swisssh Radio beats opening a window and yelling up the street. Much more civilized.

Oprah said you have the power to do it all.
Start a club.
Write a show and perform it.
Write a book and sell it.

Maybe Jesus didn’t come to earth on Saturday because he wanted to see what Oprah had to say first. Now he’s been upstaged. Don’t expect him for a good while.

What would I have learned from Oprah if I had of been a regular viewer?
I think to put my name on everything!
Wait a minute. I 've been doing that. Just look at the top of this website-
"Rob Reid's Swisssh!"
Enough said.

So, the audience was profoundly sad because Oprah was leaving.
Did you expect less?
I’ll bet almost everyone watching shed a tear or two when she walked away, head and hands held high.
It was an Oprah Revival Meeting.
She’s like Lazrus. She’ll rise again and be there to give away cars and books and pies.

By the way, when she was leaving, didn’t she seem kind of cool with Stedman- her man-friend, after he hugged her? Didn’t she just kind of squeeze away from him.
“Sorry Sted…I have hands to shake and accolades to get. See you at brunch. Oh and walk the dog will you?”

A final question.
Just where in the hell does everybody think she’s going?
She has her own bloody network for Goodness sake. She doesn’t need the Oprah Show.
(oops….that green-eyed monster shows its ugly face again!)
She has a Magazine named after her.
She doesn’t need the Oprah Show.
She produces Broadway Shows.
She doesn’t need the Oprah Show.
She can have a new show any time she likes.
She doesn’t need the Oprah Show.
She could sit by a pool in Beverly Hills every day for the rest of her life and ruminate.
She doesn’t need the Oprah Show.
She could get a facial and massage every day of every week.
She doesn’t need the Oprah Show.

Most of what she said was true and insightful.
Then she used her powerful position to preach.
There is a God says Oprah. It took her five minutes but that’s what she meant. I’m paraphrasing here but she said something like- He’s been with me every day of my life and he picked me for glory.
That bit didn’t sit well with me.

Listen to the small voice she said and if you don’t, it will get bigger. I believe she could have said- I believe in God- and left it at that but she started to preach. It believe it could have been her second calling.
I’ll bet you that thousands of women will attend church this Sunday just because Oprah told them what she believed and that- in a sense, God helped her become rich and powerful.
Oprah and I have some things in common.
She was born in Mississippi, as a black woman. A two fold minority-
Black and a woman. She had to move to the big city to be who she was meant to be.

Me, I was born here in Orillia.
Gay and…well, let’s just leave it at being Gay.
That’s been hard enough.
Of course, I too had to move to the big city just to be me.
I’m not black but I tan very well.

I’d be on that “God-fearing turnip cart” tomorrow if I thought it would make me rich and famous and stir people’s thoughts and minds.
I am shallow.
I agree.
I’ve said that in public. In my one man show a few years ago. It’s not secret. I have to be reasonable.

Now, it’s not God who helped the Big “O”.
She did it all by herself.
I can see it in her eyes.
She’s a special person.

Have you ever really looked at Oprah’s eyes?
They say it all. In those eyes is the power, the drive, the paying it forward part of her life she so vehemently believes in…it’s just not God.
It’s all Oprah.

She struggled.
She stayed the course.
She made the decisions.
The “voice” she heard is indeed the voice we all hear. That sometimes annoying little voice that’s always there- always in our heads. If you haven’t heard it, you simply aren’t set up for listening.
I hear it.
I hear the words.
The direction.
I know it’s an important voice from another “plane of existence” but it’s not the omnipresent God of the universe like she says it is.
You know what?
However, if it helps get you through the hours.
The days.
The years.
I am all for it.
I can’t argue with that at all.

Sometimes my voice tells me to do things I don’t want to do.
Yes, I can ignore it but most times I listen. Sometimes it encourages me to say “certain” things to other people. Sometimes I do- especially when it shouts at me.

Of the entire final hour I watched, the “God/Jesus” stuff was a bit much.
I suggest that a lady as smart as Oprah, should know that the voice within her is like a “Guardian Angel”. Someone who doesn’t necessarily pull her strings but rather someone who suggests what she could- perhaps do, in a given situation. That “voice” is there for each and every one of us. Sometimes we are standing at the checkouts at Wal*Mart and it speaks to us. It tells us to look over there and we see a familiar face.
It reminds us.
It steadies us.
It watches out for us by alerting us to the dangers ahead. It might even recite our PIN number to us in advance of paying for our merchandise. It’s different for each and every one of us but it doesn’t require public affirmation. It requires an open mind and nothing more.

I would suggest that you not think it is God but if you really, really need to call it something listen for its name. Ask it. It will tell you. If you are hoping beyond hope that the voice answers “I’m God” when you request a name, then that’s what you’ll hear.
Open your mind.
Just a little more. A little further past farther.
I listened more than 50 years ago and I have it.

As the song says- Don’t cry for me Argentina- or Canada or the UK or France or…
Oprah will be alright. She’ll miss you terribly because being the special person she is, she needs to be fed and nurtured and without you she’ll get thirsty and hungry for your attention.
All you have to do is look into her eyes.

ROBBLOG #268

Now, I don’t want to come right out and call Harold Camping- who predicted Judgement Day was to be May 21st, along with his followers- a bunch of complete assholes but until another- better word, comes along, I will.

What a bunch of assholes!
Wait.
That’s unfair! Let me re-phrase that.
They are a bunch of rich, holy assholes.
Especially Harry!

Now “harried Harry” is telling us: Oops...I meant October 21st. Yah. That’s it. Judgement Day is October 21.
Oh Boy!
Silly me. I carried the 2 and divided by 9, then added the cruxifiction and- well what the fuck!- it’s really October 21.
You can quote me on that!
Yes Sir!
Quote me all you like because I have another 5 months to come up with an even cornier reason that the world didn’t end come October 22nd.
Besides all I have to do is make some huge stickers to cover all those billboards.
The sticker could say- “Sorry. I meant October 21st”
Or
“Only kidding, I meant May 21st. Silly me, eh?”

Mr. Camping is worth millions and his ministry too, all from a radio studio (Family Radio) located on a normal city street, sandwiched between- a pizza parlour and a bong shop. He’s the “cheese” in the centre.

(I can’t remember what real businesses flanking Harold, so I made two up.)

Mr. Camping in 2009, received $18.3 million in donations and had assets of more than $104 million, including $34 million in stocks or other publicly traded securities. He’s not hurting one bit. In fact the poor guy had to take “the wife” to a hotel room on Saturday when he discovered his mistake- just to get away from people. Probably needed to give her a good “pile-driver” right in her Regina Saskatchewan to ease his pain. I believe him, whatever the truth is. Dear Mr. Camping needed to get away from people who wanted to string him up for taking all their hard-earned money- and investing it- for his ministry.
Mr. Camping works in mysterious ways.

Ya gotta know that Camping is just one hell of a regular guy. He tells us he lives in a “modest” home in California.
Ahhhh.
Really?
Look kids, his biggest worry are the earthquakes that will tumble his “modest” bungalow to the ground or the “wild fires” that will turn it to ashes.

The number one reason that Jesus Christ/God didn’t return on Saturday?
There is no such person.
He doesn’t exist.
There is no God.
Heaven is a fairy tale right up there with the Federal Conservatives.
People buy into fairy tales very easily.
They do, you say?
Yes.
40 percent of voters bought into the Harperite’s Fairy Tale and believe me the Conservative/Reform/Alliance fellas are the last of their kind who want to be standing to or considered to be part of “a fairy tale”- for obvious reasons.

Look. My spirit guides in the next level, all tell me that Camping and his sort are frowned upon- heavily, in the next existence- or plane of life.
They are laughable.
Course it’s easy to laugh after one has passed on and realize what a tough go it really is on the “earthly plane”.
It’s a fact.
In fact…
Here’s another fact.
Although he doesn’t want me to tell you, much of this blog that I am typing here- right now, is coming to me from that very plane of existence. I am being told what to type to you by one of my spirit guides.
He’s a bit cheeky and irreverent.
Let’s call him Jeff.
I...ummmm…

Jeff just called me a dickwad because as he says- “Jeff is my name, poodle –puss”.

Jeff likes to call me cute “pet names”.

Enough of this today.

Jeff will continue to put more wise words of “whatnot” into my mind and heart- on the next RobBlog.

ROBBLOG # 267 W E E K E N D Edition

Today, a tale that bites- if you will...

Mike stepped from the shower and grabbing the thick, sage-green towel, wrapped it around his waist like a citizen of ancient Rome might have done stepping from a community baths.

He stood semi-naked in front of the vanity mirror, noticing the tanned firmness of his chest and arms. Giving them a quick flex, he smiled as he grabbed the tube of Colgate and his toothbrush from the white porcelain cup sitting next to his sink.

Applying a pea-sized bead of paste, he began to brush. His right bicep danced merrily as he brushed up and down. Over the molars, incisors and gums. He brushed furiously- yet gently, as he took numerous glances at his tight brown body. Water rolled down his broad chest and over his stomach muscles, finally absorbed by the towel tied tight around his middle.

Mike felt good that morning and amazingly strong and fit. He seemed to have a great deal of extra energy. Flicking on the bathroom radio, he continued brushing. As he did so, he noticed an irregular shaped, blue-black, coloured bruise on the side of his neck. He stopped brushing and leaned in closer to the mirror to look. Mike clearly saw a pair of perforated holes- bright red in colour, right in the centre of the bruise.

“Huh. Must have been scratched by a twig or something when I walked through the woods yesterday. Funny I didn’t see that on my neck last night”- he murmured to himself.

“Maybe a bug bite. Yes. That’s it! All those bugs flying about yesterday as I walked in the woods. It was so humid too. One of the little buggers must have taken a good chunk out of my neck and it just began to show now. Yes. That’s what happened!”

Mike was satisfied with his self-diagnosis.

He finished brushing and spat into the sink.

Next, picking up a can of shaving gel, he pushed a huge glob right in the centre of his palm, then he smeared his rugged face from left to right. He added extra gel to his neck, which was infinitely more tender than the rest of his face. Grabbing his sensor razor, he began to remove the foamy white gel being extra careful not to run the blades over the bruise. Fifty or more strokes and he was done. Running his hands over his face he was satisfied with the smoothness. Everything looked good- except for that bruise. It was even sore to his touch.
“Just stop touching it!”- he thought “-and put some Polysporin on the damned thing!”
He took the tube from the vanity chest and applied a liberal dob of antiseptic goo.

Next he applied some gel product onto his blondish-brown hair and ran a hair brush through the thick locks. Mike loved the look of his hair and he always garnered comments from friends about how great his hair looked- no matter the weather. The frizzies of a humid day wouldn’t dare destroy Mike’s tresses.
He smiled broadly. As he did, he caught sight of something else he had never noticed before- until that very moment. He couldn’t believe what he saw- at least not at first.

Right there on the lower front row of perfectly white teeth, he plainly saw his incisors had grown bigger than the rest of his teeth. Running his fingers across his teeth he noticed a definite difference. In fact the incisors seemed to be much sharper- as well as more pronounced, than the others. Or so he first thought.

Suddenly, he panicked!

Running his index finger over the top of his upper incisors, he was sure they had grown too. They hung at least a centimetre lower than the rest of his upper plate.

“What the fuck is going on?”- he cried out loud. “My teeth don’t usually look like this? What the…”
He stopped.
Near the shower stall he saw- in the mirror’s reflection, two bath towels bunched up on the floor- dotted with blood-red stains.

“What is this?”
He turned and bent down to examine the towels. As he did the towel that he had wrapped around his waist, fell onto the tiled floor at his feet. He picked up one of the soiled towels as he stood naked there on his bathroom floor.
The stains. They appeared to be…
Blood? But why? How?
He was shocked!

At that moment his husband- Roger, came into the bathroom, fresh from evening laps in the backyard pool. He was drying his hair on a beach towel as the full moon’s light streamed through the windows outlining his nakedness. He stripped his Speedo swimsuit off, down over muscular legs and feet- those of a swimmer, throwing the wet suit into the shower stall. He looked at Mike standing near the shower stall with the blood-stained towel in his hands and smiled-
“What’s up Mikey?”
Mike declined an answer at first.
“Mike! Mike. I’m talking to you!” Roger raised his voice. Getting no response, he grabbed Mike’s rugged left shoulder.
“Michael, talk to me. Snap out of it!”

Mike slowly lifted up the towel so Roger could see it.
“Roger. Look at this towel! It’s caked with blood! What has happened?”
Roger took his towel and draped it over the side of the shower stall. Then he turned and looked Mike squarely in the face.

“Not this again! How many times do I have to tell you Michael? Those marks on your neck there and there.” He pointed. “Your elongated incisors. Mike you’re a Fucking Vampire. When are you going to snap into the reality?”

Mike looked up at Roger’s face.
“I am? Since when, Hun?”
Mike seemed confused.
“Since three nights ago, you big, gorgeous brute. Look as you’re getting used to “turning” into a vampire, sometimes the memory plays tricks on you. You’ll be fine in another day or so. Trust me.”
“A vampire?” Mike seemed in a fog. “A real, honest-to goodness Vampire?”
“Sure”- says Roger. “Look Sweetie. It’s night. There’s a full moon out there and you’re shaving like its 8 a.m. Add it up Michael. It totals- Vampire!”

Mike didn’t seem to know what to believe for a second or two.
“Yah- I guess it does. Huh. I am starting to remember now.”
He paused for a few seconds.
“Well. Roger, that’s a relief.!”
“Good. Now let’s have a glass of “O Positive” and enjoy the rest of our evening, Mikey.”
Roger slapped Mike playfully on his naked butt.

“You know what?”- Mike’s face lit up with a huge smile.

“What Hun?”- Roger asked as he was stepping into the shower, “I want to get this chlorine off me.”

Mike was still smiling broadly. “You suck!”

“That’s the general idea!” Roger laughed and turned the shower nozzle on full and stepped under the misty spray. “ Newbies. Always unsure.” He laughed again.

Michael turned and glanced into the mirror.
He liked what he saw this time.
This time he was grinning broadly.
His incisors glistened in the moonlight streaming through the bathroom window as he made a muscleman pose in the mirror.

Leaving Roger to his shower, Mike headed for the kitchen to get a couple of glasses filled with crushed ice for their “O”!

ROBBLOG # 266- The Final Chapter- or is it?

Top 10 Signs the World is Heading for “The Rapture” at Midnight- Jerusalem Time

1. Stephen Harper is Prime Minister and the Devil is OK with that.

2. Satan is packing an overnight bag.

3. A man in New York City has spent his entire life savings on Bus Shelter Ads proclaiming the end of the world after it was declared by a man in Tennessee. Well, my goodness, if a man from Tennessee knows when the apocalypse is coming- who are we to argue. So just how much is a good jug of moonshine in them Tennessee hills?

4. Mirvish is charging 169 dollars for front row seats to Billy Elliot.

5. The Pope is shaking with excitement and is thinking of partying with a half dozen altar boys. Bottoms up!

6. A Kingston Radio Station is presenting a morning show called- “See you on the ‘Other Side”!

7. Nobody’s printing 2010 Calendars…just yet.

8. Flights to Hawaii are solidly booked so vacationers can enjoy a few more happy hours here on earth.

9. California is passing a law that they can lawfully break from the mainland, drift out into the Pacific and join Hawaii.

10. Boxing Day falls on May 22 this year.

Look folks, in all seriousness why would one WANT to spend eternity with an egotistical, psychotic, childish being that would take glee in torturing billions of people because they didn’t do what he said or had never even heard of him?

Also- and even I know this, it says right there in the King James Version- the one that he told his subjects to translate and say this and that and the other thing, that nobody- not mankind, not even the angels know when Christ- if there is even such a person- which I doubt, will return. Only the Father in Heaven knows- if there is a someone in Heaven. Oh yes and Heaven is not on the other side of the clouds. That’s what they thought thousands of years ago- before Air Canada flew above the clouds. Now we know that there’s just more air and endless sunshine up there- and the moon and a bunch of other planets and galaxies.

So look, doesn’t this whole “End of the World” crap sound just a little too far-fetched- like the National News or like religion.

C’mon. There’s probably no God, so relax and enjoy life. Until one day, billions of years from now, the sun will either burn out, an asteroid may slam into us and send us out of our orbit or an even more likely scenario all those F****** with nuclear weapons will kill of the human race with the click of a switch.

Good Night Everybody.

Last one out, switch off the lights!

ROBBLOG # 265

I just can’t get Paris out of my mind.

I wasn’t in France long enough to see anything more of the country than Paris- the City of Lights, however I fell in love.
Paris in the Springtime. It has always been my dream to be there in the spring when things are bursting out over.
So indulge me.

The Top 10 Things I loved about Paris…in the Spring.

1. The Outdoor Cafes. They are everywhere, spreading out along the wide sidewalks that are dotted with trees and leafy greenery. Waiters are bustling about. You’ll giggle at the laugher of the restaurant patrons, while taking in the aroma of Parisienne Cusine and hearing the tinkling of tall wine glasses.

2. Hearing the French language. Lightly rhythmic. Romantic. Wonderful. Mais Oui!

3. The cheery morning hello-

-Bonjour! Hello!

-Un café avec lait s’il vous plait.

-Petit ou grand, Monsieur.

-Grand, s’il vous plait.

-Oui, bon.

4. What I took to be young, male college students celebrating their last day of school at a magnificent cluster of old buildings near the L’arc de Triomphe, stripped to the waist in the warm Paris sunshine, turned out to be 101 shirtless male models on the loose on the Champs-Élysées to celebrate the opening of its Paris flagship store. Awww. Just for me. They called to those of us on the sidewalk below from second and third storey balconies. They shouted down to those of us below with happy voices, all the while waving their muscular arms, flexing toned pecs and flashing brilliant smiles. We waved back and smiled too!
Big Smiles! Only in Paris. The video is at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=qjZkkJTRbDA

5. The people of Paris sunning themselves from comfortable, green lawn chairs dotted around huge, circular pools of water that were found in the spectacular gardens leading up to the Louvre just past the Place de la Concorde.

6. The traffic on the roads. Busy. Crazy. Driving every which way but loose. Actually the drivers are all “loose”! They wouldn’t be able to drive on the roads if they were tense. I know I couldn’t drive on Paris streets even if I was loose- as a goose!

7. The coffee. Café au Lait. Wonderful. Not strong like German coffee but just right with that frothy swirl of milk or creme. Yum!

8. The River Seine winding through the City. Past the Eiffel Tour, the National Assembly, The Louvre and Notre Dame. Huge barges- some permanent homes for locals others that are jam-packed with tourists taking the river tour while enjoying a wonderful dinner.

9. Crisp, white linen. The fabric of the tablecloths on café tables. White napkins folded with perfection, next to china plates that are encircled with gold. Smart-looking, white linen jackets on waiters at posh outdoor cafes- even at high noon- Paris time.

10. The architecture. Most building in Paris are no more than 4 or 5 stories tall. Many are hundreds of years old. Looking up at the buildings one sees that most apartments have small balconies encircled with wrought iron railings. The entrances to the flats are hidden behind huge, narrow doors painted in a variety of colours- each with their own distinctive doorknobs or knockers. Opening a door, it undoubtedly leads into open, airy, plant-filled courtyards that are nestled behind the shops and restaurants that face out to the street.

There might just be one more blog about Paris. Maybe I should tell you what to see in Paris in just a day. However long you have, see as much as you can. Maybe I should tell you a little more about the Louvre or the gardens or the Champs Elysees or the bicycles and motorbikes.

Maybe…

ROBBLOG# 264

If it’s Tuesday it must be Belgium.

Not exactly true. It would be better stated as-
If it’s the Weekend, it must be Paris!

If you’ve been wondering where I have gotten to- since there hasn’t been a blog in several days, I’ve been in Paris.
Yes.
Paris France, right on the Seine.

I have always wanted to be in Paris in the Springtime and now I have been.
It was a quick couple of days but well worth it.
What a beautiful city! History galore.



Walking towards the Arc de Triomphe

 I guess what amazed me the most, besides the simple fact of just being there, is seeing famous landmarks and works of art- in person. The language and signage is one thing but French is something I see- or hear, everyday right here at home- from road signs to cereal boxes.
Just walking up the street from the hotel, Tom- our friend Lisa and I passed café after café after café and then, right in front of us- there was the “Arc de Triomphe”. Awe-inspiring, as is the traffic madly going in circles before racing off down one of the half-dozen avenues- spokes, reaching out from the Arch which is rooted in the centre. I don’t think I could ever drive a vehicle in Paris. Maybe I’d ride a bicycle but walking is pretty straight forward and ultimately safer.

I had a mission in Paris. I had my heart set on going to the Louvre and visiting Mona.
The Mona Lisa.
La Gioconda.
The route up to the entrance to the Louvre passes through well-tended gardens, fountains and a pair of huge ponds that Parisians encircle in the spring sunshine tanning, chatting and reading a good book. As you come closer to the building itself you realize just how massive this place is. Then right in the middle of the courtyard a modern, glass pyramid. If you know the Tom Hank’s movie- The Da Vinci Code, you’ll know the pyramid. The exact opposite in design and scale of the Louvre but manifique
Those Parisians.
Anyway, somehow the glass pyramid works. I can’t explain it. It just does.

Once inside, we purchase tickets and head to the first floor Denon Wing. Mona is in the Salle des Etats where paintings of an Italian origin hang. I did some research before leaving home. Going to the Louvre website online, I could not only see where Mona was located but I took a virtual tour of the salon, online, to see who kept her famous person company.

After entering the main hall in the Denon wing, we looked for Salon 6. I knew just inside the door to the left we would find the largest painting in the Louvre’s collection- the massive Wedding at Canan by Paolo Veronesze. It’s the size of a large movie screen. Along the walls at either side were famous oils- from Rembrandt among others.



Mona

 Then I saw her.
Hanging all alone on a huge blank wall at the far end of the salon. I had heard she was small but seeing her in person was a bit of a shock. We could get right up close- about 10 feet or so away. Mona lives behind protective glass where the air is temperature- controlled. It doesn’t affect how you see her but when Tom took a non-flash picture, you could see a dull shine from the reflection of the glass.
I just stood and stared.
At her hands.
Her bosom.
The background.
The crack- just above her head, on the board she was painted on and of course- that infamous smile.
It was like she was hiding something.
She had a secret and wasn’t about to share.
Maybe Leonardo da Vinci told an amusing story as she posed.
Maybe he stood on his head to make her smile.
Maybe…just maybe she had eaten cauliflower the evening before and she had let out a small “puff” of ~ahem~ air.

Her eyes seemed to reach out and touch your heart.
She was beautiful and there she was sitting there right in front of us.
Mona was nowhere else in the entire world.
She was right there in front of us.
Breathtaking. Memorable.

Before we left the Louvre, we took a quick trip down a sweeping marble staircase to find the Venus de Milo. She stood- armless just like in every photo I have ever seen, naked to below her navel, perched atop a marble pillar.
She was bleached white.
She was beautiful, I must admit but she was “damaged goods”. I couldn’t help but wonder what she had looked like- with arms.
A guide nearby was telling a group of tourists- in French, that Venus was perfection of the female face- maybe even the human form.
“Eet ees Posse-bull”- he said.
I dunno.
Maybe.

Other famous paintings along with Greek and Roman sculptures too numerous to mention, lined the walls and galleries. The Louvre itself was an amazing building- once a palace for royalty, where it could quite possibly take a week to see it all- it’s that big.

Crossing the River Seine which runs alongside the Louvre, we saw it crowded with watercraft. Across the bridge was the National Assembly, home to the French Parliament. We walked along the banks of the Seine- for what seemed an eternity, to see La Tour Eiffel. It was much larger than I expected.
Overpowering really and all metal. The tower was rusty brown in colour, soaring upwards into the blue Paris sky. We sat on a bench- at the south side just under the tower’s edge, munching on Pomme Frites and sipping Café Lattes.


Tom's pic of La tour Eiffel

 Sounds very French- n’est-ce pas?
Okay. It was like a big plate of golden French fries and a coffee- with milk.
Ya just gotta love Paris!

The cafes and restaurants- looked like one big movie set filled with extras, with servers scurrying about in white jackets, black pants or skirts and long dark ties. Above the scene of culinary delights, window boxes were overflowing with geraniums from second story windows.

We had dinner at a corner café- “Le Relais de Venise”. Patrons were lined out onto the street. This restaurant was on a quaint little corner with tables both outside and inside- on two levels. We chose it for several reasons.
It was quaint. So French. So Parisienne.
The lineup- waiting for tables, stretched out into the street. That was a positive sign. It was a no smoking establishment. Museums and Charles de Gaulle airport aside, everywhere else the people of Paris smoked- poor or not. Not quite as in your face as being in Germany let’s say- but they lag far behind Canadians in regards to smoke-free air.

It took us about a half hour to get a seat but once inside we were impressed. It couldn’t have been more French.
Noisy.
Busy.
Colourful.
A variety of people.
A charming atmosphere.
Warm and welcoming servers.
The food was good but simple.
They only served one item- steak and pommes frites- French Fries-remember? A fresh salad with simple dressing to start. Basket after basket of baguette bread.
Café au lait.
Wine- a red and a white.
The steak- its doneness cooked as ordered, came covered in a sauce. The restaurant was ‘Son Entrecote”- in English “all you could eat”. The three of us did- two helpings- but with all that glorious French bread- that was it. Anyway, we wanted to save room for dessert.


Our Server Bendite & Me

 The deserts were decadent- including a plate of French vanilla ice cream piled high between two meringue bisquits that were soaking in and covered with a rich chocolate sauce. All this was topped with fresh whipped cream!
Tres decadent!

I loved Paris.
We all did.
It was absolutely stunning.
Such history.
Such colour- gold everywhere on statues, bridges, buildings and more.
It leaves you wanting more.

So…
We’ll go back. Soon.

ROBBLOG # 263

We just had to go back and take a picture of the sign. The sign that is just over the bridge in Atherley. The other evening we had a burger at the Roadside Eatery- one of our favs, just out number 12 past Rama Road and right next door to Leatherdale Marine.

On the way back into town Tom stopped the Swissshmobile and took a shot of “the sign”. That's the sign that tells us judgement day is coming May 21.
Girlfriends, in the Gay World- everyday is Judgement Day.
Wake me when it’s over.

Like the Sign Says: It’s all over on May 21st 2011.
As a public service, I thought I would a list a few things that you need to do or shouldn’t do- a “bucket list” if you will, before the Tribulation and Rapture.


1. Open the cottage for the season- albeit a short one, a week early on May 14th.

2. Sell those May 30th tickets to the Lion King to some unsuspecting heathen.

3. Make a new will that includes a bunch of greedy, no-good relatives. They’ll never get
your stuff anyway.

4. Mail your Christmas Cards- early!

5. Don’t fill the gas tank on Friday May 20th. Save your money. What for I don’t know!

6. If you’ve never robbed a bank, you might try it early in the morning on May 21st! What’s the worst that could happen- a few hours or minutes in prison.

7. Don’t buy any new summer fashions and most certainly don’t flip through a fashion magazine to see what’s new for fall. I mean really- what’s the use?

8. Tell your boss what you really think just before 5PM on Friday May 20th. There’ll be no work on the Tuesday following Victoria Day anyway.

9. Have Gay Sex with your best friend. It’s not like it’s a long-tern thing or anything…

10. Wondering what to buy the wife for her 40th Birthday in June. Do you really care?

11. Don’t pay your phone bill that's due on May 25th.

12. Spend your life savings on something frivolous- like a slot machine at the Casino.

13. Run up a huge long distance bill by calling Auntie Gerdie in Dusseldorf.

14. If you take a 24 hour allergy pill on the morning of May 21st, I have just one question- Why?

15. If you’ve never seen Niagara Falls, now would be a good time for obvious reasons!

See you in eternity.

ROBBLOG #262

Did you get the “Peace” flyer that area Muslims dropped off in our mailboxes- or like at our house- the verandah floor, over the weekend?

The cover is all about Peace. A globe with a dove-wings outstretched, winging past it. The dove’s face has a rather Arabic look about it.

Hmmm. Peace is so relative.

Is this an offering of Peace after the Americans killed Osama Bin Laden who in turned has killed hundreds- if not thousands? Is it just in case weapons of mass destruction actually cause just that- mass destruction.

Then there’s the Peace surrounding Muslims and Christians who threw stones at each other in Egypt on Sunday after Muslims set fire to two Christian Churches and a Christian Apartment block. A dozen Christians- just people really, lost their lives all in the name of religion. News reports say scores were injured.

This is Peace between Muslims and Christians not to mention Hindus and Aryas also mentioned in the pamphlet. Guess the Jews are out of this one!
All I can say is-
Shit!
Just two weeks before Jesus flies back to earth two on May 21.
Whuck?
You men you haven’t heard yet?
You need to do some research. Just read the previous column on this blog for insight on Christ’s return on The Victoria Day Weekend.
I don’t make this stuff up folks.
I just tell you about it, with a sarcastic humourous slant of course.

But people- how many times do I have to say it?
There is no God.
There is no Jesus and although I have never studied Islam, I would pretty much be safe in saying that there is no such person- living, dead or breathing in Heaven- as in Muhammad.

This brochure from a Mosque in Maple Ontario of all places says Loyalty to one’s Country is a part of Faith. Forgetting your “old” country and getting on with life in your new one is how it should be. Isn’t that why people leave the old and look forward to the new? Unfortunately, when faiths such as this come to Canada, all the hatred and bias comes along with it. Then old wars leaves the far-flung borders- many time zones away from Canada, where they become a part of the fabric of Canadian life.
I believe this is wrong.
If you leave a country to get away from the torment, why bring the very thing that started the torment in the first place to your new land.

Heaven only knows.

Now as far as the Holy Qur’an goes Islam’s message of peace and love is struck inside- somewhere, just like the Christian message of peace and love is struck in various places in the bible or maybe on those tablets Moses carried down to the sex-mongers in his tribe who got tired of waiting foe him to exeunt down the mountain.

So what in the Hell does all this mean.
I don’t really know why a Mosque in Maple Ontario would see fit to spread their “Love for All- Hatred for None” message to Conservative Orillia.

If I had of had the opportunity to talk to the young man I saw dropping the brochure on my front verandah, I would have asked two questions.

First:
“So, whaddahya think of women and how come they can’t sit next to you in your Mosque and why do they have to keep their head covered and be seen-well, hardly ever, while definitely not being heard!”

Question Number Two.
“I am a Gay man. So how are you feeling about that Love for all- Hatred for none thing right about now? As a side comment, seeing all those men in the media when they’re demonstrating or throwing stones or drinking strong coffee in little bistros that line your streets in the old country, would it be fair to say that at least a few of them would like to lock lips and more with the quiet little handsome fellah sitting in the back corner of the café reading GQ Magazine.
I’m just saying, all those handsome, dark-skinned men in one place in a hot country and well, I mean something’s got to give. Might as well be the Speedos- if you get my drift!”

I haven’t looked at the this site but if you are curious or just fantasize about a lot of dark-skinned men prancing about the desert try www.LoveForAll.ca

Finally, from the Holy Qur’an 7:57- “And create not disorder in the earth after it has been set in order”- Allah- the Gracious and the Merciful.

Sounds like a practice what you preach kind of situation.

Too bad it falls onto deaf ears and then onto the hard, dry earth below.

ROBBLOG # 261 W E E K E N D Edition

My grandmother taught me so much.

Not that she had to. It just happened naturally. I was like a sponge and soaked it all up. I loved my Grandma. She was a very classy lady. No matter where she was or what she was doing, she wore a shade of lipstick that was the colour of the raspberries like those she served for dessert, without the whipped cream, of course.

My Grandmother didn’t shove ideas into my head on purpose.In a way, it just happened. You see my parents tried to do their best with me but only Gram knew my true heart. So, I would live with her- even if it was just in my own mind.

She taught me for instance that Granddad should be seen and very rarely heard. He didn’t seem to mind that at all. He would sit in his big mission-style rocker in the glassed-in side porch and ruminate on life. Sometimes he would just sit sorting his fishing tackle. At other times he would read his newspapers with a favourite cup of tea on the table in front of him.

On sunny afternoons when her housework was done, Gram- with a tea towel slung over her left shoulder, would join Granddad on the porch. She’d ask what was new in the paper and he would tell her.


On my Grandparent's 50th Anniversary
In the Sunporch L-R Uncle Earl, Cousin Tom,
Me in Granddad's Rocker and Cousin Judy

Life was simple and Gram’s house was always warm and welcoming. I especially loved her dining room. In the centre of the room was a big mahogany dining table that would seat about 12 relatives- comfortably, both at Thanksgiving and Christmas. One of the house’s two telephones also found a home in the dining room. The second phone was a wall model in the upstairs hallway. It was new and plastic not like the Bakelite model on the telephone table in the dining room. This heavy telephone found its place on a sturdy, dark-stained, telephone table- all the rage in the 50’s, that set tight up against the wall to the right as you came in the dining room door. Grandma would have long telephone conversations seated side-saddle on the little padded chair- which was attached to the table. Underneath was a convenient shelf where the Orillia Telephone book sat- all 46 pages of it- yellow pages included!


My Grandmother- Lillian and Grandfather-Norman, on their 50th

The room where I stayed-sometimes, was upstairs to the right. A stovepipe from the wood burning oven in the kitchen ran through it and continued right up through the roof. Needless to say, no other heat source was needed in the room- thankfully. It would have been much too warm if there had of been a heating vent. Most of the year, it was like a sauna. There was enough warmth from the stovepipe in the winter and just plain heat and humidity creeping in through thinly insulated walls during the long, hot summers.

Next to the bedroom was a small three piece bath with a white sink that reminded me of one hanging on the wall under the mirror at Rocco’s Barber Shop. The sink in Grandma’s bathroom- although attached to the wall too, was also supported by two chrome pipes that ran to the floor supporting the front corners of the sink. I didn’t have far to go if nature called during the wee morning hours.

Lunch at the kitchen table was always a sandwich on brown bread with pickles and for dessert- a bowl of fruit. A glass of milk always accompanied lunch. I would take my time chewing the sandwich as many times as I could before I swallowed. Grandma was a student of the school of “chewing each piece of food 40 times”. At family meals it took forever to get through the main course. Grandma would take a forkful of food, rest her fork on her plate and chew and chew and chew. If the sit down meal began at 5:30, dessert was served at 7:30 or 8 o’clock.
It took forever for Gram to masticate.
Often dessert- and tea or coffee for the grown-ups, was served in the living room or maybe even the side porch. It would be a more casual affair than the actual main course around the mahogany table in the dining room.

I am sure I learned my penchant for nice things and long, sit down meals from my Grandmother.

She passed back in January 1965.
I miss her still.

ROBBLOG # 260

Well Good Lord! It’s always something!

First Harper gets a majority- or does he, really...
Now Jesus Christ is coming back to earth on Saturday May 21, 2011. Don’t believe me?
Just Google "Jesus May 21 2011" and you’ll see.

You can also check out the huge billboard just on the north side of the Jake Gaudaur Bridge at Atherley. Yes, the billboard is on one side of Hwy 12 while people- sinners in all probability, line up at the drive through for their Timmies.
Oh the inhumanity of it all.

So today, let me help you with a couple of things friends. First of all the Federal Election.

I did some research on the internet. You’ve seen the numbers for the various parties. You know that Duceppe is gone and Ignatieff is toast.
Burnt toast.
I feel bad for the guy. He was almost crying. Dirty bast...Never mind.
All right. If you’re a Conservative, stop wringing your hands while laughing in a low guttural tone with saliva running down the side of your chin onto the ground beneath.
Nyaaa Hahh Hahh.
We all get it.
You’re happy.
You are full of Glee.
Possibly you are full of something else but listen, just as you thought things were looking up some religious fanatic in Tennessee- are you surprised, tells us Christ is coming and the Rapture in a couple of weeks on May 21st followed by the end of the world.
There goes the weekend.
Shit. Just when you thought things were looking up- eh?


Jack Layton Leader of the Opposition


He’s what I discovered about the election.

The Conservative and New Democratic parties are be over-represented in Parliament thanks to a voting system that cheats Canadians, according to an analysis by Fair Vote Canada. This group advocates replacing the current “first-past-the-post system” with one that awards seats in numbers closer to the popular vote. They have just released figures showing the National outcome if we had this more fair, more democratic “popular” vote system here in Canada.
The results as we saw them on election day were:
Conservative: 167
NDP: 102
Liberal: 34
Bloc Quebecois: 4
Green: 1

However, using proportional representation, Prime Minister Stephen Harper would have won a minority government with these seat totals:
Conservative: 122
NDP: 95
Liberal: 59
Bloc Quebecois: 19
Green: 13

Whaaaaaat you say?
The Cons would be the last to tell you but federally they received only two percent more votes than they did in the 2008 election. However, this time they gained they gained 24 seats.
Bronwen Bruch of Fair Vote Canada says that while Stephen Harper says the totals are an endorsement of the Harper Government in reality it’s a rip off!! Harper won his majority winning 54.22 percent of the seats. He only had 39.62 percent of the votes.
Makes it sound pretty illegitimate- doesn’t it?
Brunch says it’s one of the least legitimate as far as majorities go in Canadian History.
Even Jack Layton’s NDP who has supported adopting a proportional representation system in the past is over-represented by 7 seats. So there. You can read more online. Search “The Tyee”. If you have been feeling in a bit of a “blue” funk this should make you feel better and at least support the Proportional Representation System.


Now about Jesus Christ. Maybe if you are making plans for Victoria Day Monday, you should hold off for a bit. You see Christ is coming back to earth on the Saturday of the Victoria Day weekend.
I know. I know. It’s like a houseguest announcing himself a day or so before you’re ready.
I mean you haven’t even dusted the guest room.
Oh, while you’re at it if you’re planning on seeing Billy Elliot in Toronto, better see the show before the 21st!


A Billboard like this, is on Hwy 12 at the Narrows

 Now, not only does a fellah by the name of Harold Camping and this group Family Radio fully believe that the Rapture (if you don’t know what the Rapture is Google it) is imminent, they also say this whole thing stretches out until October when the world will end- for sure.
Definitely.
Probably.
We’re pretty sure.
Likely.
We believe so.
Look, it’s true…

Now, someone told me a while ago that their particular church doesn’t believe in the “Rapture” anymore. Kind of “old news” I suppose. Hmmm. Once again. mere mortals- Christians, changing Biblical references to suit themselves.
So, I am just the messenger here.

The end of the world is nigh and for Christ’s sake don’t make any huge plans for Saturday May 21st, for the Lord will arrive in a blast of trumpets from the Heavenly Hosts and a puff of smoke- red and blue I would guess. There will be Thunder and lightening that will, well…light up the world from East to West. Look if you don’t believe me, ask your Minister or at least text the Pope.
No.
I mean the real Pope. Not Stephen Harper.

Now then Kiddies, thus endeth the lesson for today.
Aren’t you glad you came?

ROBBLOG # 259

They say you shouldn’t say anything bad about the dead.
Osama Bin Laden is dead.
Good.

Some of the first photos I saw online showed a bunch of Americans hootin’ and hollerin’ and waving signs and their flag. I thought that it pretty much the same thing Muslims do when they have murdered a westerner or stoned a woman. The apple doesn’t fall far from the heart. It’s too bad there has to be this evil on this earth- in mortal form, such as Osama Bin Laden.

I know you’ve heard me say this before but religion is to blame.
There are religious fanatics who will do anything in the name of Jesus Christ, Mohammed or whomever. Same outpouring of sprirt.
Same mis-direction.
Same translation of words written centuries ago- translated to fit their purpose.
It just all comes from a different book.

Don’t let protestants and catholics can’t get off too easily. They have also committed atrocities over the years, each in their own way. The Jews are still going at it too as they did centuries ago and of course many P’s and C’s still squarely blame the Jews for the death of a Saviour.

Speaking of a “saviour”, I would imagine the media is full of a Harperite victory as I write this on Monday afternoon for posting at midnight. There is still something massively unfair about our election process.

You know who I really wanted to vote for?
Jack Layton.
I met Layton and Olivia a couple of years ago at Toronto Pride. His arms were around Tom and I as we spoke our first few words to him. He called Olivia to his side and introduced us as we mentioned we had been married the same amount of years as they had been married.
Jack admitted that there wasn’t a strong NDP presence in Simcoe North and that he’d have to work on that point.

Well, Jack. There still isn’t. I wouldn’t now the NDP candidate if I fell over him, yet I know all the others including that “heretic” Adrian Kooger.
What a piece of work that guy is!
I have “faith” he’ll never show his face at my door in the name of the O.P.P.

I’ve said in this space before that I met Michael Ignatieff last summer. Tom and I both found him warm and sincere, possessing leadership qualities. I don’t know why that doesn’t translate on television. His sparkling blue eyes danced such a dance when we met him. I truly believe Canadians bought the disparaging characterization the Harperites were selling.
Too bad.
This thing about him working and teaching in America.
For **** sakes!
99 point 9 percent of Canadians wish they were Americans anyway, so why believe the garbage shoved at us by the Reformers in sheep’s clothing- The Harper Government, previously known as the Government of Canada.

Without Mr. Harper and his Reformer/Alliance folks on the scene. I wonder where we would we be this very day. Hell even former PM’s Clark and Mulroney have little time for “a Harper Canada.”

When I went in to the poll to mark my ‘X”, a couple of thoughts came to mind.
Firstly, how lucky we are to be able to vote and take it for granted. A simple voters card, some ID and they give you this piece of paper where you choose your favourite candidate and then pop it into the cardboard ballot box.
So simple and my right as a Canadian.

Secondly, I thought there were too many names on the ballot. Look, if memory serves me right, if that Krooger fellah, Valerie Powell and the NDP Guy all set their sights on another party, we’d have a Liberal win here in Simcoe North. More people vote for someone other than Mr. Stanton if I remember my figures from last time.

After all Krooger could join the Harper Team. My goodness they are all Christian bedfellows anyway. Both are from fringe churches of a “Baptist you’re all gonna die and burn in the fires of Hell” nature, so why not just vote for what you have already?

I have known Valerie for years but the Greens? C’mon. Really?
Although it’s a very environmentally friendly name and they reuse their signs by pasting a candidates name over the previous one, they don’t have a chance- either before the rapture or after.

Sidebar: The Rapture? Did you hear that Jesus Christ is returning to earth on May 21, 2011. That’s right, later this month. Now don’t worry. You still have a good many days to go before you have to even think about being “born again” to save your soul and head up to heaven- that’s just on the other side of the clouds where those 777’s fly, with Jesus and the Gang.


Of course the rest of us get to sit here on earth for another seven years- Christ doesn’t want to count us all out you know. Like the Liberals, he hopes there are some of us sitting on the fence about this religion thing and will eventually consent to have him hold us tightly to his breast.

Now where was I?
Oh yes and that NDP fella- what’s his name.
I don’t think so! Even though a few Jack Layton signs appeared here and there around the city. Jack would be my man if I could vote directly for him. Maybe Jack should turn the other cheek- like he did in that massage parlour, and run as a Liberal.
It’s been done before.
Yes it has!
Bob Rae ring any bells?

You know, we probably should just have let Mr. Rae be the Liberal leader after what’s his name from Quebec floundered through the last campaign.
But you now what?
I met Mr…ummm…ummmm. You know who I mean. I thought he was quite nice and amiable that Mr….ummmm.
Damn- what was his name?
Today, someone suggested that Rick Mercer should run for the Liberals.
It would be an absolute landslide- wouldn’t it?
A bit of a joke too given his personality and what he does for a living- making jokes and all- but we all could use a bit of a laugh in the House of Commons.

Anyway, it is what it is.
Osama is singing with the Muslim Angels and Harper is sitting on his throne in Ottawa and we couldn’t wipe the smirk off his “reformed” face if we tried.

The True North Strong and Free- that is until Osama’s family and friends bomb the hell out of us or Harper takes us back to a quieter, more un-enlightened time!
Have a good day fellow Canadians!

ROBBLOG # 258

Forget You Mr. Harper!

In the words of Cee Lo, that’s actually F**K You but I wanted to watch my mouth in this RobBlog.

I don’t like Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada.
I am angry that he is the leader of our country. I cannot understand why many Canadians see no wrong in anything he does like his perroging of Parliament-twice, or the fact his government- the Harper government, has been charged in contempt of Parliament.

If you like Mr. Harper and his Government and are intending to vote for him or rather the Conservative Candidate in your riding you had better not read further.

So, as I was saying, I don’t like him and therefore say Forget You Mr. Harper!
Here’s a compilation of points that make me feel this way:

Stephen Harper is pleading with traditional Liberal voters to support his Conservatives to stave off a “disastrous” leftist government headed by NDP Leader Jack Layton.
Forget You Mr. Harper!

Conservative Leader Stephen Harper is refusing to say if he would honour any decision by Governor General David Johnston to invite NDP Leader Jack Layton to form a government if the Tories fail to win a majority on Monday. Harper repeatedly ducked the question during a tense media availability in Richmond Hill.
Forget You Mr. Harper!

In 2009, Harper appointed a Minister of Science who wouldn’t discuss evolution. Harper then cut science research funding by $138 Million.
Forget You Mr. Harper!

For the G20 summit in Toronto, Harper spent $1.9 million building a fake lake and nearly $1 Billion on security.
Forget You Mr. Harper!

Harper had his people check out a teenager's Facebook page and then have her leave a campaign event because she had posted a photo of herself with Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff.
Forget You Mr. Harper!

Harper has cut funding for women's advocacy by 43 per cent, shut 12 out of 16 Status of Women offices in Canada.
Forget You Mr. Harper!

Harper brought the Same Sex Marriage question back before Parliament for a vote on whether or not to open up the debate again- even though it was already the law of the land.
Forget You Mr. Harper!

The Alliance Church, to which Harper has belonged for decades, believes Jesus Christ will return to Earth in an apocalypse, won't ordain women, strongly opposes abortion and divorce, condemns homosexuality as the most base of sins.
Forget You Mr. Harper!

65 Fighter Jets costing 29 Billion Dollars?????
Forget You Mr. Harper!

He says the USA- particularly the conservative movement, is a light and an inspiration to people in Canada and across the world.
Forget You Mr. Harper!

The “Harper Government” gave the Province of Ontario in the neighbourhood of 4 billion dollars to implement the HST. Let’s not forget another Conservative PM- Brian Mulroney, gave Canada the GST in the first place. Stop blaming Dalton!
Forget You Mr Harper!

Harper said that the Health Act gives the federal government too many powers and that the funding should recognize “different levels of economic development in the provinces.” That’s code language for opening the system to user fees and extra billing.
Forget You Mr. Harper!

You decide…