A Conversation with the “Big Guy”.
Good Day everyone.
Today I am very excited- to say the least. I have the pleasure of welcoming God to the RobBlog interview couch.
Hello God. Thank you for coming today
You are very welcome, my Son. It’s a pleasure.
Now first off, Almighty- may I call you God?
God, the presence I see before me, is that the image you project to people you meet every day?
No. Not really. I am no fan of Stephen Harper, Sir.
Oh, I heavenly apologize for that. How about this?
Celine Dion? Really? Your majesty...
Who would you like to see when you gaze upon me?
Ummm. Anyone I like?
Yes, I am the “Omnipotent Almighty” after all.
How about Hugh Jackman?
An excellent choice! Bomm Challah!
Wait! Bomm Challah?
It’s a little thing I say- like abracadabra. It’s a little showbiz, A little “flashy”- but it’s Heaven!
Oh that is good. You look just like Mr. Jackman- although I must admit- I did expect him to be wearing a shirt.
Oh well, if you’d rather…
No! No! This is fine. I can deal with this. It’s…very nice.
Actually Rob, I quite enjoy sitting here in the image of Mr. Jackman. He’s quite the big man, isn’t he? Look at this tremendous chest I have- uh, he has. It’s really more than I could have ever hoped for when making a man- even Adam, don’t you think?
Yes. Definitely. You did good God. ..but Adam? Really??
Sorry, sometimes I get all caught up in the hype!
So, how would you sum up the earth today and your people? Are your people a disappointment to you or are you pleased with where they are today.
Well Rob, to be truthful, the cavemen and women were much easier to handle. They didn’t require much and they pretty much kept to themselves but you take people today- the Catholics and the Baptists for instance- Whew! What a bunch of work and just who died and made him Pope?
Oh yes indeed. They’re all- give me this. Give me that. Questions like- what can I do O Great Redeemer so as not to burn in the fires of hell for an eternity.
So, there is a Hell then, Hugh- I mean God.
Oh ~chuckles~ no, of course not. That’s just something that Satan and I made up, you know, to keep the “peeps” in line.
Satan? You mean he really exists?
Well, the last time we had lunch it was she. Satan changes his- uh, her “looks” a lot. Typical women- when she is one.
Oh, like you?
Oh Goodness no. I just do this for fun. For you. I don’t keep up this charade of being, well, Mr. Jackman. This is simply a party joke- if you will. No, Satan grabs an idea and sticks with it. Like this woman thing. She who will be obeyed! She even has Tee Shirts made up.
Wow. Sounds a bit quirky!
Oh Rob, you don’t know the half of it. No, I work closely with her. A person in my position up there in Heaven has to have some way of keeping the infidels in order and threatening the weaker folks- those that can’t think for themselves, with Hell and Damnation seems to do the trick. I mean that is a nice way, Rob.
What about the rest of us?
Oh, you mean the so-called “unbelievers”?
There’s no such thing- even though the Baptists would have the world think that everyone who doesn’t “toe the line” is thrown into the pits of fiery old hell. Say, you know what really burns my supreme being ass?
A flame about so high!! ~Laughs~ Good Lord, I love that joke. ~laughing~
So, what you’re saying is this religion thing all a charade. It’s just something…
Something mortal man made up Rob. Oh yes, I’ve been sitting up there in Heaven for generations trying to mind my own business but the human race just got so whiny. No one could make a move without hearing something from a higher authority. Why do you think the Gods of Mount Olympus just sort of disappeared?
Well, I never asked for that. They started it. Oh, I intercepted a few thoughts that people started sending my way, so I listened- when I could. I never expected it to get out of hand. Look Rob, each and every one of you have the power to think and do for yourselves. You can all make decisions. You all know right from wrong- well except for those who don’t quite get it. Those that kill and maim and oppress. Otherwise, life is an absolute gift. Enjoy it. You know, someone should just rise up and tell those oppressors to stand down and shut the fuck up! Get on with living.
What? You’re surprised that I throw in a “naughty” word now and then? Look I had this idea for a book a couple of centuries back. I had the draft written. It was not finished by any means. Then, when someone passed on years ago and just happened to go to the same country club up in Heaven as me…
Wait! You have a country club in Heaven?
We’re not savages Rob. Anyway, this person was having a martini with my friends one afternoon and I just happened to have the manuscript with me and it doesn’t say anything about using that word. I should know. I wrote the damn book.
You were having a Martini?
Rob. You don’t get out much do you? Who ever said that a little Martini or two was a bad thing? Certainly not Karen Walker! Or me- for that matter.
Karen Walker? But she’s just a character on a TV show!!
Is she? Is she really Rob? Or is she a Goddess sent down to earth by me?
Cat got your tongue? Listen, Rob there are many great things in Heaven and Earth that can’t be explained- including "house of worship". I love that phrase- “House of Worship”. What is it with some of you people and the need to worship something? You see, nobody needs to worship me and build a massive, ornate cathedral or even a mud hut to express that purpose. It’s all a bit of earthly hogwash! Mortal man made all that stuff up- not me. I was out on the links one day and I come back home to find that a bunch of guys had sat around a table and decided this was how it was going to be. I never asked for that. They decreed this was “the” book of all books and the people followed- at least some did. Where is it written that you can’t lead a happy and fulfilled life without attending some organized “sing-me-a-song” and “fall-down-on-your-knees and praise a higher power”- church.
I see. So, we have it wrong.
I never say anyone is wrong Rob, You. We. Me. We all do what we can each day and hope that we learn a bit and get better with age- like a fine wine. Which reminds me, just to bring us back on topic.
You mean the Martini.
Yes. So anyway, there we were sitting having a little drinky-poo and I guess this person grabbed my manuscript, had a look at it and was able to transmit what I had written back to earth and bing, bang, boom, next thing I know it’s something called a Bible and people are taking it verbatim. It was just a book. A book of stories, Rob. Nothing more. Its a sad fact that it’s all gotten out of hand and don’t get me started on the Koran or that fellah in Utah either. Good grief, I don’t know how you people keep it all together here on earth sometimes…Oh, look at the size of the calf muscles I have! Well, well, well!
They’re the result of Mr. Jackman’s hoofing.
Dancing. He’s a dancer.
Oh yes. That’s right. He is. Wait until I show the angels these beauties. He certainly has the legs of a sturdy Rockette.
Rockette? You know the Rockettes?
Oh Heck yes. I’ve been to the Christmas Spectacular a dozen times.
I’m not even going to ask.
Yes, I like the “feel” of these gigantic gamms of Hugh Jackman. I might just come up with something similar for me, you know, for the days I spend walking along Heaven’s beaches. So, do you think that legs and a chest like this would turn Heavenly heads?
Don’t you look so surprised, Rob, there is a place for vanity in Heaven too.
There is? Does Hugh know you have his, that is to say, that you look exactly like him at this very moment.
Oh, good gosh no! What you see when you look at me is simply a mirror image. I just “conjure” this up. Heavenly Power. Your head would explode is I told you how it’s done. Besides, I just use it for a while. The true image is still Mr. Jackman’s property- rest assured.
Well God, you certainly have enlightened me- all of us, if I might presume. Listen. Will you come back again? I’d like to continue this conversation.
Most certainly. May I change back into more “comfortable shoes”- if you get my drift, if you don’t mind.
Of course, please do, God.
It is one thing to sit on this couch but to get up and walk around with this “six-pack” would take some getting used to. Believe in me, Rob.
There! Lordy! Although, I really liked being in Hugh Jackman’s body, it’s nice to be back looking like this.
Oh my Goodness!!
What? You don’t like Jack Layton either??
This is Rob Reid for Rob Reid Online and ROBBLOG.
Until next time!