Not the Golden Dragon!
A year or more ago, I watched a funny movie that was a spoof of all those King Fu movies. It was overplayed with bad acting and equally poor effects- on purpose. I wrote some notes that evening, thinking that maybe I would write a sketch for use in a future Garage Door Players’ Show. I never got around to it and I only found my notes on the Kung Fu sketch when flipping through a spiral notepad looking for notes on something entirely different. I didn’t find the notes I was searching for but I did write a bit of a story concerning the other notes.
“Hey Lob Lead. You are pliddy funny!”
We’ll see. Read on…
Fear of the Red Dragon
or How a Floppy Disc Changed My Life
Duo Tang poured a cup of steaming tea from the terra cotta coloured, earthenware tea pot, into a small cup emblazoned with a yellow daffodil on one side. Duo Tang was clad in a very narrow piece of the whitest linen his Kingdom could provide. It was tied around his waist. He wore nothing else.
He sat cross-legged on the floor, his firm- yet small buttocks resting upon a mat made of bullrush reeds .In front of him was a small table where the tea pot sat- among other items. The table was low to the floor. Duo Tang could almost slide his kneecaps under its edge.
He lifted the cup, full of hot tea- daffodil side facing away from him, holding it aloft at the end of his outstretched arms. Bowing his head he said-
“Ow! Ho Lee Cripes. Cuppa ho ho hought tee!”
He slowly set the cup down on the low table and picked up a red napkin that had been placed next to the tea pot. It was rolled up neatly and tied with a length of black string, keeping its contents safe- as well as out of site. Duo Tang slowly and with great reverence, untied the string, briefly touching it to his lips with a silent kiss. Then, he rolled the napkin out on the table. Inside were two needles- each about 8 inches long, made from the finest sterling silver.
Duo Tang smiled.
He closed his eyes once again, saying a short prayer of thanksgiving to the Goddess- Nana Noo Noo. He picked up a needle in each hand. He dipped the tips in the hot tea and thrust a needle into the thick muscles at the top of each of his naked legs.
Suddenly and without warning he let out a piercing, devil-like scream-
“Holy Mudder in the name of the Goddess Sinn Nomore- dat huurt!
Dat hurt velly badly. Smart just a bit too!”
He poured another cup of tea and as he did so his best friend and confident- Lee Chiang, entered his space. Chaing arrived wearing a brilliant red Komona, tied with a blue sash trimmed in gold.
“You finnish now, Oh Lord and Master?” Lee Chiang asked.
“Yes. Yes. Lee Chiang. I am finnish!”- growled Duo Tang.
“Funny Master. You look more Asian than Finnish!”- he chuckled to himself.
“You look cold too Lord Duo Tang!”
“Why do you tell me this thing Lee Chiang?”
Chiang started to place the teapot and cup on a tray. He looked up at Duo Tang and said-
“Velly simple Oh Masterful Divine One, Your nipples are hard. Ouch!”
Duo Tang layered blankets of fierce stares directly at Lee Chiang.
“You finnish with funny now Lee Chiang?”- he asked. He was serious.
Lee Chiang stood erect and quite still. There was a slight smile on the edge of his full, round, reddish-coloured lips.
“Tell me Lee Chiang,”- says Duo Tang, “What news comes…”
He paused.
“Lee Chiang-“
Chiang looks at the Master full in face- “Yes Lord?”
“Lee Chiang are you wearing the colour of the Holy Rose on your lips?”
Yes, Master.”
Lee Chiang was strong of voice.
“It is Max of Factor, Red of the Jellybean.”
Duo Tang was speechless.
“Ahem.”He said."
Eventually he continued, for he wanted not to hurt a friend’s person.
“Tell Me Lee Chiang ~ahem~ what news this morning from my Kingdom Moo Goo Guy Pann?”
He pulled the needles from both legs and placed them in the white ceramic dish on the low table next to the tea pot, as he waited for Lee Chiang to answer his question.
“I shall answer you in one word Mighty Master.”
“Please do do dat Lee Chiang!”- encouraged Duo Tang as he swept his hairless right arm in a welcoming manner over the low table in front of where he perched.
Lee Chiang folded his arms across his chest and said- “Red Dragon!”
“That’s two words Lee Chiang!”
“Depends on how you spell Dragon.”- Lee Chiang said firmly.
Duo Tang decided not to commit to the conversation regarding two words or less, all he said was-
“Ah-Hah, so it is my old foe Red Dragon showing his face of ugliness in my Kingdom once more! What is he doing here this time Lee Chiang?”
“Master, he is said to be stirring things up!”
Duo Tang thought for a brief moment then said- “Stir up my people Lee Chiang?”
Lee Chiang could not help himself.
“No Master- a Betty Crocker Cake Mix!”
“Huh.” Duo Tang was taken aback in all seriousness.
Lee Chiang unfolded his arms.
“Master Tang, of course I am referring to your people. Red Dragon is stirring up your people again! Sometimes my Lord and Master you appear to be firing on just one folded paper swan!”
“Know! Your! Place!” – shouted a very angry Duo Tang, “Be quiet and do not be funny any more this good morning or I will slice a large piece off your hugely floppy disc and throw it to the dogs of my honourble “funny” friend!”
“Wwwwwwhat? But Duo Tang, you can see my floppy disc through this very attractive and flattering Komono, oh Honourable Tang?”
“Yes, of course Lee Chiang. It is the back lighting- behind you, that allows me to see through the cloth at this precise moment.”
“Lee Chiang grasped his right wrist with his left hand and held it firmly in front of his Chinese Pork Chop.
“No Good Lee Chiang.”- Duo Tang was laughing broadly now. It still shows like a cock on a fence in springtime!” He laughed out loud now. “My friend- some advice?”
“Yes. Yes, please oh Great Master of all things sane, light and wonderful! ”
Duo Tang stood up. “Wear linen boxers under Komono. Work everytime!”
Lee Chiang nodded as his eyes searched the floor at his feet. He was silent. He was too embarrassed to look up into Duo Tang’s face. His robust member had always caused him great problem- even on beach while wearing western fashion called “banana-hammock!”
Duo Tang interrupted Lee Chiang’s thoughts.
“So Lee Chiang, it is the Red Dragon we must deal with once again is it?” Tang could not stop his eyes from drifting to where Chiang held right wrist. “The secret society once again challenges the peace my people enjoy in this Kingdom. Tell me what we know so far about this Red Dragon.”
Lee Chiang was almost afraid to speak but he did- “We know nothing Master.”
“I figured so but why do we know nothing?”- Duo Tang became sullen. He stood up. Sucking his right thumb showing Lee Chiang that the white linen barely covered his nether regions.
“Why nothing? Because...” Lee Chiang was hesitant, “Because Master, it is secret sect.”
Duo Tang sat again. He was disappointed. He waited. In a few moments he looked to Lee Chiang and spoke- “Whatever I face, I face with you by my side. In my heart and in my mind.”
“I am humbled with gladsome heart and toothsome smile.” Lee Chiang was velly serious.
Duo Tang spoke again.
“A truer friend has never stood before me than you Lee Chiang. I bow to you my friend.”
“Should we kiss?”- asked Lee Chiang.
“No. People of Great Kingdom would talk and say Duo Tang is “nancy boy”. How ‘bout a high five?”
“Good enough Nancy…uh, I mean Master of All things Manly and huge!”
So, Duo Tang and Le Chiang high-fived! Although Lee Chiang would have preferred the sweetness of Duo Tang’s warm, pouty lips upon his own- like that summer in cabin, in the mountains.
“Thank you again Lee Chiang.”- said Duo Tang
“Thank you Master.” Taking the tray from the low table on which now sat the cup, teapot, napkin and the ceramic dish holding the bloodied needles. Lee Chiang spoke.
“I leave you with this advice from the Mother Goddess- he that likes pleasure shall buy pleasure.”
“Thank You. And to you my friend Lee Chiang I say- The moving finger- writes!”
“Acknowledged Master. A good day until I bring more news.”
Lee Chiang turned and walked away, leaving Duo Tang to himself, his thoughts and his bleeding legs.
Hmmm, thought Duo Tang. Mother always said- play with fire and expect to get burned- at the very least soil your floor mat.
Duo Tang walked briskly towards the doorway leading to his private parts, for the tea was beginning to have somewhat of an effect and he needed to tend to the punctures on his legs.
