Monday, September 27, 2010


I was re-reading a good book lately and I have discovered some shocking truths about laws.

In today’s world one would believe that these “truths” can’t possibly be real.
But they are Blanche!
But they are!

So let’s pull up our socks and support these important laws. If you’re researching what you read here, I’ll save you some reading time. The gun registry and the Census are not among the topics listed. Mr. Harper may believe he is heading in the right direction but fair warning Mr. H- don't "pet a pig" along the way. There's a terrible truth about law here that could result in- I would rather not say...

So the truths.

For instance, did you realize that here on earth- in Canada specifically, we can keep slaves?
Yup, it’s true.
No one can stop us.
Now, don’t go looking to enslave a fellow Canuk, then force him to wear a loincloth and leg irons and have him cut the grass every second Tuesday to the delight of the neighbours. You see if you must enslave someone, it must be someone from another country. Keeping a tall, muscular Australian or a fine, fit “Greek God” of a man in a little shack down at the end of your garden is just fine and quite within the law as it is dictated.

How many of us love to shop on Sunday or go see a film? It’s a nice thing to do-especially if it’s cold and blustery outsdie. We deserve to be entertained- don’t we?
Yes we do but those helping us enjoy our afternoon really need to be dealt with.
Oh, it’s nothing personal you understand. It’s nothing to do with their level of Customer Service.
It’s not going to be easy.
You see, quite simply, you need to snuff them out for the things they do for you.
Bet you are surprised, eh?
So, go ahead. Shop till you drop or see a film starring Jennifer Aniston- although I can think of a dozen reasons why that is wrong!
Just remember, that one teensey, tiny, glitch that needs to be attended to- you are morally obligated to kill them. I know it doesn’t seem right being a pleasant Sunday afternoon and all but still, I did say it wasn’t going to be easy.

I see you are looking a little scruffy around the ears. Maybe it’s time for a trim- do you think?
Be careful what you wish for. Remove even one follicle from your gorgeous locks and like those poor ticket takers at the cinema- we have to run you through with a sharp instrument and throw your limp body over a cliff.  Yes, it seems harsh but we are only following the law.

Finally, some helpful advice the next time you head out to Red Lobster for a meal.
Think again.
You see eating shellfish is just not cricket. Eating crickets isn’t shellfish either but that’s another rule of thumb that I don’t have time to explain to you right here and now. Just be aware that your shellfish habit- lobster, is not looked upon as such a good thing to do.
There are those that claim it is an absolute abomination.
Yeech! Bleck! Ptooey! Tarnation!
There you have it.
You can’t under estimate the power of ptooey- can you?
As a sidebar here, I should also say that although eating shellfish is wanton and wrong, being Gay or a “national” of the Island of Lesbos is still a way down the chain of foodstuffs.
Now with this "Gay Stuff" I'm talking an absolute abomination!
And I should know.
Disgusting and just plain..unnatural.
No question.
No recourse.

Re-reading that book has certainly changed my comfortable Canadian way of thinking. I am literally looking at many things in a different light now.

Hey! What are you doing on Saturday morning? Join me at the Market for a stoning! You see,
Jerry- a friend of mine planted corn in one half of his field this past spring and potatoes in the other half. His wife-Sue, helped him plant that warm day in late April. I know it may have seemed- to Sue at least, that it was an honest mistake grabbing those polyester work pants and throwing a cotton shirt on up top but people have to pay the price.
I had to tell the authorities.
What else could I do?
We can’t have every Tom, Dick and Harry going around planting willy-nilly and wearing what they damn well please can we?
No of course not.

There you have it.
Please disregard the laws you have been familiar with that have been laid down by “mortal man”and in future refer to the above changes. If you need a refresher- as I did, grab your Bible, dust it off and have a peek at the following:

Slavery is covered in Lev. 25:44

Working on a Sunday is in Exodus 35:2

Getting a haircut is in Lev. 19:27

Lobster for dinner is on the menu in Lev. 11:10

For Gayness prance along to Lev. 18:22

Gardening and Gardening Fashion is planted in Lev. 19:19

Have a good day and remember someone is watching.