Brothers and Sisters!
Today's sermon covers Tolerance, Intolerance, Debauchery and right-wing Christian-types who live an worry about these very things of which I spake...or am about to speak.
The Mister and I sat down at one of our favourite Diners on Sunday, just before 1ish.
We ordered brunch.
As our delightful server poured my second coffee- as she had done on several other visits to the Diner, we were joined by a table of five to my left and a table of four to my right. Tom and I continued our Sunday Brunch chat as I slurped my coffee- as I am want to do at times when the coffee is unusually hot and robust. As we chatted, I began to hear the occasional word or phrase from my left- the heretofore- "Table of Five.
I looked at Tom and said- "Do you Hear What I Hear?"
No, it wasn't Andy Williams singing a popular Holiday Tune.
My head nodded to the left at the "Table of Five".
He said- "Yes, I hear."
It was Jesus Talk.
The Mister and I were plopped down a couple of feet from born-again's.
On my right I could also hear a couple of churchy phrases from more subdued table of four- but not as clearly as next door to my left at "The Table of Five".
They started a discussion about tolerance and being "intolerant". It must have been the morning sermon that must have gone way overtime since it was almost one o'clock!
I hear something like-
"Jesus tells us this and Jesus tells us that but what about this tolerance bit in the bible?"
|"I don't give a pimple on a turkey's butt about tolerance!! |
Why, I can't even spell it!!"
"Keep your mouth shut. Ignore it- as well as never mind."
It's sooo hard!!
This "Table of Five" didn't seem to understand this tolerance thing.
They gave examples.
Stupid fucking examples and wondered aloud what Jesus meant.
Look, I thought to myself' "If you were tolerant and knew tolerance- you bunch of right-wing, intolerable knobs, you wouldn't be having this conversation about tolerance to begin with.
You'd get it.
You wouldn't need a conversation to talk about it.
Apparently the "preacher" felt a need to bring this topic up earlier in the day because he didn't have any other fucking useful topic to talk about and as we all know, born-again's need to be told what to do and think and when to pee and have sex!
I was handling it all quite well between bites of my Club Sandwich and the Satan-like stares coming from the eyes of The Mister. I knew he mean it when he telepathically said to me- "Rob, Shut the Fuck up!!"
And I had and was...
Then, the fat broad in the pink, ill-fitting sweater with the mousy brown hair and white roots started to talk. With a lilt in her voice, a smile on her face and a chortle in her tone she says through chubby, chapped lips as she slapped her fat palms on the table-
"Yah, and we are just supposed to tolerate same-sex marriage!"
I started to shake.
My hands were shaking so bad that I couldn't picked up the hash browns on my plate with my fork.
My heart was thumping and I wanted to speak.
I looked at Tom and he said again, a little more sternly this time- "Nevermind!"
"But it's soooo hard!"- I cried. "Please....?"
I then heard someone from the "other table to my right say something about church and sin and fucking Satan or Satan is a fuck or something like that. Maybe- Satan has a truck. Something like that.
Cripes! I was part of a right wing Christian Oreo Cookie!!
I was the Gay, white-crème in the centre!!
I do not know how I held my tongue!
I was sooooo good but I was still shaking. If there had of been an empty table nearby I would have asked to be moved.
Not the place to discuss the morning sermon.
Then, the thin-faced, be-speckled fellah- keep in mind "Table of Five" were all Seniors like me, sitting on the opposite side of the table says- "And this debauchery. I don't even know what debauchery is..."- he says with a loud, "I don't know shite"laugh.
|If this is what you think "debauchery" is- You'd be wrong!|
"Google it asshole"- I thought, still keeping my thoughts to myself and my little, inside voice very, very quiet. However, googling is probably not Christian in the same way it is frowned upon when a "girlfriend" applies "her" subtle tone of lip gloss before he applies lip moisturizing chap stick.
I had a suggestion, albeit a silent one- ask your preacher. He'll know all about debauchery with its excessive permissive sex and drink. Ask him to tell you a little story about Sodom and Gemorrah.
You'll know excessive.
Pass the salt please.
Ask him too why Jesus Christ- after raising Lazrus and his rotting flesh from the dead, asked the "Family of Lazrus" to allow himself and Laz to hole up in a shack on the Lazurus property for 30 days and that no one should bother them.
Now that is debauchery.
Then, don't ask ME about Christ hip-hopping around the Holy Land with 12 single men in tow and a Hag- Mary Magdalene. I say and capitalize "Hag" with all the love in my heart. Every self-righteous Gay man- and there are many of us, needs a Fag Hag to get through life.
Imagine Dear Readers, if a man moved in next door to you along with 12 other men. Imagine if they laughed and giggled and swam in the pool. Imagine if they wore sandals- or not, as well as cute little all-cotton shifts.
I mean, what would you think?
Of course if you're "churchy" you don't think. You have to be told how and what to think about things- like "tolerance".
So, back on topic- Debauchery is excessive drinking and permissive sex. You know like a typical Gay Bar on a Saturday night around 1130pm.
This guy at "The Table of Five" got through life without debauching once or twice and being drunk while he debauched?
Cripes! Even the former leader of the Ontario PC's debauched.
Of course, Patrick debauched- wrongly I will admit, without the help of Vodka which plainly is no fun at all when you are debauching within legal and societal debauching!!
I feel lighter somehow and I know Jesus up there in Heaven is smiling down upon me.
Maybe he's having a little laugh at me because I did something hard today. Something that I usually don't do, which is keeping my faggy big mouth shut.
Oh he's also smiling because I knew what debauchery was- and is, whereas the fecker at "The Table of Five"- didn't.
Thus ended the lesson.