ROBBLOG #488

Oh Hell’s Bells.

 

What is going on here?

God, where are you in our time of need?

Of wait…

There is no God. We are on our own.

Thank God for that!

 

However, being Godless in this world still doesn’t explain the outright craziness that oozes from some humans. What is wrong with folks? Did you see these stories recently?

 

The Pope performs a “drive-by” Excorcism on a young child.

 

Mayor Rob “Piper” Ford smoking crack and calling Justin Trudeau a “fag” on video?

 

Some right-wing guy blows his head off at the main altar inside Notre Dame in Paris.

 

Yikes!

 

So, the Pope- although the Vatican flatly denies it, stopped alongside his Popemobile

and placed his hands on the side of a young boy’s head, causing the young boy to spurt out a demon or two. Catholic priests are good at placing their hands on the side of young boy’s heads. They’ve been doing that for centuries. Now this particular lad apparently had four of these fellows stuck up inside him.

 

~no, it’s just too easy. I shan’t go for it~

 

A former Pope dispensing with the "hands on" approach and going for the "gusto".

 

Note to readers: Only Catholics have these demons because only Catholics believe in these Catholic demons. You have to be told they are there to believe one has taken residence up inside you, unless of course you’ve seen the movie- “The Exorcist” which basically makes you a Catholic- especially if you’ve watched it several times over the decades or have had a priest take your head in his hands…

 

~no, I can’t say it…ahem~

 

Rob “Piper” Ford- that’s what the homies call him I hear, is now a film star. Not a dirty porno kind of star, no this Mayor stars in an instruction video that shows folks- who are unaccustomed to doing crack, exactly how to light up and enjoy the buzz. The video even allows listeners to hear how they too can make hateful remarks against notable Canadians such as Justin Trudeau while at the same time defiling the Gay community with the lovable term “Fag”. In this instructional video, Rob can be heard discussing the merits of minorities on the high school football team he coaches on City mayoral time.

 

The producers of this film who are waiting for a buyer willing to fork over $200,000 are planning their next production-  a video on how to correctly place a rubber on one’s “John Henry” while one is high as a kite, starring Rob Ford. The production is having start-up problems however, as no cameraman has the guts to step forward and say he or she is willing to film Ford’s wang.

 

The Main Altar in Notre Dame (Photo by Rob Reid)

 

Finally, take a beautiful, world-renowned Cathedral like Notre Dame in Paris, fill it with tourists marvelling at its architecture and historical significance (Joan of Ark was placed on trial in this famous place) and top it off with a right-wing nutball who can’t get his head around Gay Marriage and Gay adoption. This nutball- who goes on to prove that nutballs are good at committing suicide, performs a repulsive act, so repulsive it’s even more repulsive than Gay Sex in a Conservative right-winger’s mind. Instead of asking for someone to explain it to him or talking to a Gay family or two, this nutball sticks to his Catholic Dogma that Gay Marriage will promote the end of times and pulls out a gun. He places this gun in his mouth like a loaded penis, proceeding to blow his brains all over the nice, Catholic carpeting, sending tourists screaming for the exits.

What has been proved?

That “Scotchguarding” a carpet is the right way to go?

No.

He has proved that many people- Christian people, forget about “love, understanding and acceptance” no matter what some hateful, kiss my feet and call me “God” person says.

 

I swear if St. Peter pats him on the back at the Gates of Heaven, and says:

“Good Job Catholic, Right-Winger Guy!” I’ll go on a hunger strike.

I need to lose a few pounds anyway.

 

Crazy stuff?

 

You be the judge.

 

 

 

 

 

ROBBLOG #487

On Bleeker Street with Blanche and Jane

Jane: Holy F%$# Blanche!!
 

Blanche: Now calm down Jane Dear. Whatever is the matter?

 

Jane: The LCBO might go on strike. ~puff-puff~ Where the F%^# will we get our booze?

 

Blanche: Jane, it’s not the end of the world. I am sure the Baptist Bootleggers will have plenty!

Jane: You think so? ~drag~puff~puff~

 

Blanche” ~laughing~ Oh Jane Dear. I guarantee it! Some things never change…

 

Jane: Like?

Blanche: Like right-wing Baptists, booze ~pause~ Oh and their denial of their homosexual tendencies.

 
Jane: What the frick are you saying Sister Dear? Are you calling them right-wingers sinners?
 
Blanche: Oh that would just be a start. They’d like you to believe they’re pure as the driven snow.

Jane: You mean like the Mormons?
 

Blanche: Exactly and a dozen others too.

Jane: ~drag~puff~drag~ Catholics?

Blanche: Yes, them too but the Catholics don’t really consider drinking- and BINGO, sinful.
 
Jane: They don’t?

Blanche: No Jane Dear but just try to tell them they have Gay men in the Priesthood.

Jane: ~puff~puff~ What happens then?

Blanche: Well, all H E Double Hockey Sticks breaks out!

Jane: Thanks for this little talk Blanche. I think I’ll make a few phone calls.

Blanche: Where to- a Baptist Church or the LCBO?

Jane: First to the Liquor Store to see if the strikes just a big fib and then to the Baptists! ~puff~

Blanche: Oh Jane Dear, you crack me up.

Jane: Only if I can find a stick big enough Blanche. 

 

ROBBLOG # 486

A Bunch of Old Folk Bumble their Way Through Sadie Flynn

 

ORILLIA (Staff) A group of age 50 and 60 plus old folks- all claiming to be actors, will throw down their canes and walkers and perform the hilarious Norm Foster Comedy- Sadie Flynn Comes to Big Oak starting May 30th at the Stubley Auditorium at St James in Downtown Orillia. 

 

The Garage Door Players have been entertaining locally for a decade now and although many of the members of this close-knit troupe still claim to be young and vibrant, the proof is in the pudding- or should we say pablum!

 

“It’s the first time such a bunch of old cronies have attempted to keep up the pace and present this engaging comedy” says Director Rob Reid- himself an old fart. “We’ve had some problems with actors dozing off mid-dialogue, excessive flatulence and forgetting rehearsals- stuff like that. However, the most annoying of all is the constant smell of Mentholatum Deep Heat Rub and peppermint losenges that permeates the rehearsal hall’s air.” added Reid. “We open a window from time to time and spray some Airwick around- Lavender scented, yet still the air quality’s a little dubious when an actor or crew member lets one go.” 

 

 

 

 

Reid says that some rehearsals have had to be cancelled mid-way through, due to the gaseous fumes in the room. The Company has been asked not to light matches or rub two sticks together at any time during the rehearsals. “There’s no telling what could happen if there was a spark at the right moment. When you look at the ages here...”- he says with a twinkle in his near-sighted eyes, “You can see the problems of old age and sedentary ways make rehearsing a challenge at times.” 

 

Most playwrights- whose works are performed by all ages, are unified when they say that the theatrical world does not and should not discriminate against old theatrical companies-such as The Garage Door Players, due to age, saggy breasts, trousers hitched high to arm-pit level or flatulence during shows. One playwright’s representative did say that during a comedic piece a perfectly timed fart can add to the frivolity of the evening, although it is quite the opposite of a basket of sweet smelling primroses. Quite the opposite indeed. 

 

Getting so many old people together consistently in one spot has been a trial. Being old herself, Sadie Flynn’s Producer Andrea Lee-Burnet says if audience members squint during the show, the actors will all look like they’re still in their late 20’s or early 30’s. “It’s quite an easy thing to do really- squinting, not to mention closing one’s eyes altogether, since there’s barely a set. A vibrant Imagination will come in quite handy”-claims Lee-Burnet, chuckling madly. 

 

Stage Manager Thomas Ruechel- who’s much older now than when you started reading this article, agrees and says that the difficulty he has doing an "Old Folks" show like this is to keep..um...to keep...“Give me a minute now, the thought will circle back...” says Ruechel.  

 

~time passes~ 

 

"Oh yes! The difficulty is in keeping the stage lighting at a decent level that does not accentuate the actor’s layer-upon-layer of pancake makeup and red lipstick- especially on the men. Sometimes the actors doze off, miss cues or take pee breaks during a scene but we plan to cut those interruptions to a minimum by making sure the cast gets a good rest prior to the show, have younger back-stage personal pushing them on stage at appropriate cues and having a stock of Depends at the ready.” 

 

This group of old codgers take to the stage for evening shows at 8PM (or as soon as they’re ready) May 30 to June 1st and for two Matinees June 1 and 2 at 2ish.

 

Director Reid points out that the Matinees may have a late curtain since many of the actors take a nap about the same time as the curtain goes up. A couple of them become dis-oriented as well and it takes a few minutes to explain the situation. We are going to add Red Bull to the pre-show tea and see if that helps any.”- he adds. 

 

Tickets are $20 and on sale at Flowers by June in the Laclie Street Plaza. Groups of 10 or more get a $5 discount per ticket. Groups should call 705.329.7282 for booking a reservation.

 

ROBBLOG #485

My Hubbie and I have joined the TIE Club.

 

No, we don’t get a new tie every month for two years. It’s a club for ~gulp~ seniors.

Seniors you say?

Yes, these days 55+ is Senior territory.

 

Back in January- when our Producer Andrea Lee-Burnet was looking for rehearsal space for our current Garage Door Players Show “Sadie Flynn Come to Big Oak, she discovered the TIE Club.

TIE stands for The Intelligent Elders. The club is centrally located in Downtown Orillia and is a bright, clean modern facility that charges us minimum rates for use of their space.

 

As rehearsals moved on, our attention was drawn to the activities at the centre including $5 lunches every other Tuesday.

That’s right.

5 Bucks.

 

At our first luncheon, we enjoyed Baked Spaghetti, Salad, Tea and Coffee with Hot Apple Pie topped with a generous scoop of vanilla ice cream for dessert.

 

I don’t know how they do it.

They just do.

Prices are a definite rollback to the 1940’s and 50’s.

 

 

 

As we got talking to those in charge- Judy and Don, we discovered that membership was available for only 10 dollars for a year.

Four cast members joined at the next rehearsal and that’s why we are members of TIE.

I don’t know how involved we’ll get but we are at least intending to be at the 5 dollar lunches.

They’ve also asked the Players to perform a Christmas Show.

We said yes!

 

I must admi,tI do feel a bit out of place there. Tom and I are proud of our 28 years together but we were beaten by one couple at 60 years and another just at the tip of 50. They were friendly folks yet some a bit timid. I supposed they wondered if these newcomers were going to come in and take their club away?

No way!

We appreciate the space and we are using it with respect and much gratitude.

 

A couple of months back I was tempting Tom with photos of South Florida homes in gated parks where prices started at 10 thousand dollars for a modular home with 2 bedrooms and two baths. The communities were all 55+.

He says to me “I don’t want to live in a park with a bunch of old folks!”

I pause and said- “Hunnie, I’m 62 this summer!”

He looked stunned for a moment then smiled.

 

Reality can be a bitch.

 

ROBBLOG #484

 

On Bleeker Street with Blanche and Jane

 

The Gals were in Paris for a month but now they’re back on Bleeker Street refined and bi-lingual- well almost. Let’s see what happy Hi-Jinks Blanche and Jane find themselves in this time…

 

Blanche: Bonjour Ma Cherie. Sa Va bien? 

 

Jane: ~puff~drag~puff~ What the *&^% is that supposed to mean? Have you been drinking? 

 

Blanche: Oh Jane Dear ~hah, hah~ did you learn nothing in the City of Light? 

 

Jane: Sure I did! ~puff~ I learned if you’re a man you can piss anywhere on the street! 

 

Blanche: Now Jane. You know very well no man pee’d on the street in front of us! 

 

Jane: Yah but...How ‘bout behind us!! ~puff~cackle~puff~ 

 

Blanche: Jane! That man was drunk and he had no idea what he was doing! 

 

Jane: He certainly did Blanche. He pulled out his thingy and let loose on that shop fenetre! Hee! 

 

Blanche: …and you think that’s remarkably hilarious- do you? 

 

Jane: Ho. Hee-Hee. Ho! ~drag~puff~ Mais Qui!! 

 

Blanche: Well it seems you got something out of the trip after all. That’s a marvellous accent. 

 

Jane: Yah! I picked it up from a sailor in the 19^th Arrondissement! Now that was a French Kiss! 

 

Blanche: Jane! Your tongue will dry up and fall off one of these days with talk like that! 

 

Jane: Hah Hah! Maybe so but I have a great Parisian memory all the same. Hey! 

 

Blanche: Yes Jane Dear? 

 

Jane: Let’s go down to that Frenchie Restaurant on 5^th Street. Maybe I’ll get me another sailor. 

 

Blanche: All you’ll get is a dose of the “you know what’s” if you don’t change your ways! 

 

Jane: ~puff~ puff~ Party-Pooper! Now get your “wheels” in gear . I’ll call a cab! 

 

Blanche: Oh Jane. If only I wasn’t in this stupid wheelchair! 

 

Jane: But ya are Blanche! But. You. Are!! ~puff~

 

ROBBLOG #483

It’s the Time of the Season.

The Trudeau season.

 

Justin Trudeau

It’s a new beginning.

A time to start fresh.

A time to reap.

A time to sow.

A time for fairness.

For love.

A time for more than Chinese Panda Bears and pandering.

A time to easy back on fuelling the machines of war-

Guns, fighter jets and more.

 

The weeping is through.

Let’s gently boot Mr. Harper from Parliament Hill once and for all- along with his right-wing, Conservative, labour busting cronies.

 

Let’s thank him for his attempt at Canadianism but some just can’t get it right.

Their Canada is a Canada of the rich not a Canada for one and all.

Their Canada is for what they believe to be “normal” Canadians.

Ask Bruce Stanton what he believes is “normal” and fair.

It certainly isn’t rights for transsexuals.

He voted no for trans people as he did for Gay Marriage when fellow Tories opened that Pandora’s box once again- even though it was the law of the land, just to see if a crack of light was shining through.

Thank goodness it wasn’t.

Ding Dong the right is crumbling and there’s nothing wrong with that.

 

Still some time to go before another federal contest.

Maybe greater things will come to be.

Maybe the opposition parties will wake up and join together.

One huge, colossal party working for the benefit of the individual.

For Canadians, keeping our Canada Strong and Free.

 

It could happen once again.

Let’s not put all our ducks in a row just yet but rather think, live and breathe

good thoughts.

The road to the future can be golden.

Our gleaming light is Justin Trudeau.

It’s the best we have now since Jack has gone to greater things in the next plane of our existence.

 

The right already is attacking with American Style ads.

Could we have expected anything less from them?

The Stars and Stripes would be flapping briskly in the wind at the top of the Peace Tower if we gave them a rope- long enough.

 

When will Canadians wake up and dispel their damning unfairness.

The crassness.

The un-Canadianness.

The libel encased in their broadcast fodder.

 

People…you are better than this.

Did you hear?

You are better than this and yet we forgive you for your narrow views and unwelcoming texture.

 

Take heart fellow Canadians.

A new dawn is near.

It’s time. It’s season. It’s reality.

It’s right there on the horizon waiting for each and every one of us.

 

 

 

ROBBLOG #482

Just when we thought our main worry was the Conservatives and the religious right, along comes sink holes. 

These huge, gaping holes that possibly lead to the underworld are gobbling up real estate faster than RBC is gobbling up foreign workers only to throw Canadian workers out onto the street- their own personal sink hole. 

Cars, houses and towering buildings are not immune. These holes go down deep. The Baptists are worried that the end of the world is nigh. I am sure they’ll find something somewhere that will link sink holes to the Devil. Perhaps in the Bible. These verses may help: 

“And thou shalt tumble and fall through and into the bowels of the earth and be consumed by the devil and his angels” Leviathon 2:14 

or 

“…and the Lord looketh down upon Sultania and saw that the people did carouse and defy the Lord God Almighty both day and night. And the Lord was saddened and caused a hole of the greatest sink to devour those who didst laugh and whole-heartedly ignore his commandments. The next day the Lord rested with a cup overflowing with Maxwell of the House of Neandrethal saying to his flock- this that I doest, I doest well and would doest once againeth if my flock fucketh upeth and ignoreth me- the great and powerful Oz…I mean God.” Dueontome 5:12 

“And it was so… and so sink holes came and went and caused huge gaping recesses in both the earth and God’s heart- who always kept man’s heart- and testicles, close to his.” Dueontome 5:13 

 

So, sink holes are here to stay. Shale rock under the surface  allows water to flow through and cause earth to move away and form holes of darkness. These sink holes happen in many places- even in Downtown Orillia in front of coffee shops and haircutting places. 

What can we do to prevent them you ask?

Not much. If there’s a sink hole under your house- you’re sunk.

If you’re lucky enough to know this ahead of time, sell now and remember buyer beware.

 

Just get your dough first. 

“.. and so it went and Saul of Tarzaneth didst see the hole of sink in his night sweats and straightforth picketh up his clothing from his bedchamber and butter churn from his shed and wine flask- fashioned from the entrails of his neighbour’s goat, from his shelf and didst forthrightly depart from his home. And it came to pass he spent days wandering lost in the parking lot at Target, hoping to find the place wherein he parketh his donkey cart .” Exxon 2:17

 

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