Monday, April 8, 2013


Just when we thought our main worry was the Conservatives and the religious right, along comes sink holes. 

These huge, gaping holes that possibly lead to the underworld are gobbling up real estate faster than RBC is gobbling up foreign workers only to throw Canadian workers out onto the street- their own personal sink hole. 

Cars, houses and towering buildings are not immune. These holes go down deep. The Baptists are worried that the end of the world is nigh. I am sure they’ll find something somewhere that will link sink holes to the Devil. Perhaps in the Bible. These verses may help: 

“And thou shalt tumble and fall through and into the bowels of the earth and be consumed by the devil and his angels” Leviathon 2:14 


“…and the Lord looketh down upon Sultania and saw that the people did carouse and defy the Lord God Almighty both day and night. And the Lord was saddened and caused a hole of the greatest sink to devour those who didst laugh and whole-heartedly ignore his commandments. The next day the Lord rested with a cup overflowing with Maxwell of the House of Neandrethal saying to his flock- this that I doest, I doest well and would doest once againeth if my flock fucketh upeth and ignoreth me- the great and powerful Oz…I mean God.” Dueontome 5:12 

“And it was so… and so sink holes came and went and caused huge gaping recesses in both the earth and God’s heart- who always kept man’s heart- and testicles, close to his.” Dueontome 5:13 

This sinkhole  in downtown Guatemala City swallowed a a three-storey building in 2010.

So, sink holes are here to stay. Shale rock under the surface  allows water to flow through and cause earth to move away and form holes of darkness. These sink holes happen in many places- even in Downtown Orillia in front of coffee shops and haircutting places. 

What can we do to prevent them you ask?
Not much. If there’s a sink hole under your house- you’re sunk.
If you’re lucky enough to know this ahead of time, sell now and remember buyer beware.
Just get your dough first. 

“.. and so it went and Saul of Tarzaneth didst see the hole of sink in his night sweats and straightforth picketh up his clothing from his bedchamber and butter churn from his shed and wine flask- fashioned from the entrails of his neighbour’s goat, from his shelf and didst forthrightly depart from his home. And it came to pass he spent days wandering lost in the parking lot at Target, hoping to find the place wherein he parketh his donkey cart .” Exxon 2:17

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