Sunday, November 25, 2012


The Holidays are nigh….
They must be because the Orillia Downtown Management Board have been decorating for the Holidays…again.
These same bunch of D.O.M.B bunnies who “crucified” snowmen on downtown lampposts two years ago- to everyone’s dismay, are back this year “hanging” things up again. Only this year it’s Christmas Trees- 60 of them as a matter of fact!
The trees are hanging by wires from the same planters where huge baskets of colourful petunias and begonias thrive throughout the warmer months.
Here’s rule number one when decorating-
Just because it’s there you don’t have to use it.
Unfortunately, rule one has been abused.
The trees are hanging from the lamp posts with their trunks planted in buckets of kitty litter.
I know.
This practically writes itself.
So what do we have plenty of in Downtown Orillia?
Feral cats for one.
Drunks and the homeless too.
So, let’s think about this. When a feral cat needs to pee, where does it go?
Outside. On the street. In buckets of kitty litter maybe?
When a drunk or a homeless person- who doesn’t have access to indoor plumbing, needs to tinkle, where do they go?
Right again.
Thanks to the D.U.M.B (that’s Downtown Uhrillia Management Board) they’ve made it very convenient. The puddy cats are happy. The drunks will line up at the trees outside local drinking establishments to “tree-tinkle” too.
What fun!
How festive!
Now, besides the fresh aroma of spruce and pine, the alluring fragrance of “eau de pee” will waft along downtown streets. Just wait until some sunny, warm December days!
On the upside, Orillia may become better known for this attempt at Holiday decorating.
We may well become the “Paris France” of Central Ontario- what with all that outdoor “tinkling” going on.
Rule number two.
Affix decorations so they’ll not fall off a Christmas Tree or be abused. So, what else do we have in spades in Downtown Orillia?
Kids who spray paint, destroy, tinkle on and steal all manner of things- for drug money or kicks, like Christmas Lights and Decorations that adorn these hanging trees.
How nice!
A ready-made Christmas tree all ripe for the plucking. A simple pair of snips and it’s done. Haul it to a waiting ‘72 Dodge pickup andBob’s your Christmas Uncle!
I believe three have been plucked already.
Pluck me!
I believe it’s time to call in “real” decorators or at least a savvy Gay Man. There are plenty to be had and used to great advantage in Good Old Orillia Town- the soon to be “Pissour Capital” of Ontario.