Monday, April 23, 2012


Bible Fun Today!

Hey Kids!
Hey Mums and Dad!
Here’s some great fun stories from the “holiest” of all books and the great news is it only costs a buck at the dollar store to read more.
Many homes today have this Best-Selling book on a shelf in the den but if you really knew what was inside would you proudly display it on your coffee table or library shelf? Would you want your kids to hear about it in Sunday School?
You decide.

Let’s start with a bit of Slave talk from Leviticus 25: 44-46
“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves.  You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property.  You can bequeath them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life…”
Now doesn’t that sound like fun! The Bible says that slavery is quite all right. I could use a few handsome slaves  around the house.

Now Leviticus 18: 22. All the Gays take exception to this one.
“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination”
This may have been mis-interpreted over the centuries. You know how Bible people screw things up and twist words to fit what they believe. Now what if this simply meant a guy shouldn’t tell a fib to another guy but it is okay to tell a white one to “the wife”.
Case in point.

“Hey Frank! Wanna grab a beer after work?”
“No, Pete. I got a go to a…a…uh..uh…dentist appointment. Ya that’s it. A dentist appointment!”
“Really?”- says Pete.
We know that Frank is lying! He just doesn’t want to drink beer with his friend Pete.
That is an abomination. Lying to a buddy?
However, look at this scenario.
Frank’s on the phone to “the wife” Vera-
“Hi Honey. Look I got to stay late at work. See ya later?”
“Oh Frank, I made your favourite- meatloaf!”
“It’ll keep- won’t it Honey? I’ll have it when I get home. Love you.”
Vera is quite disappointed- “Oh fine then. Don’t work too hard Dear!”
“Pete breathes a sigh of relief. “I won’t sweetheart.”
He hangs up the phone and heads to the strip club on the south side of town.
Classic man stuff!
Hey! If you want to read about abomination, read about Lot and good old Noah a bit further down.

This next one is pretty pornographic.
Ezekiel 23:20
“For she doted upon her paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of donkeys, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.”
Translation: She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose semen was like that of horses.
This is in the good book?
Picture this.

Sarah and Ruth are at the local well drawing water. Ruth says:
“Hey did you hear about Esmeralda’s latest lover?”
“No. Do Tell”- says Sarah.
“Well, I heard it from Bethsheba that this newest  johnny-come-lately is hung like a donkey!”
“No!”- Sarah gasped holding her right hand across her heaving bosum. “The dickens you say!”
“Dick at the very least! Know what else?”
“There’s more?”- says Sarah.
Ruth looks to her left and to her right to ensure they were alone. “Beth also says when he comes….”
“Yes. Go on.” There’s an excitedness in Sarah’s voice this time.
“When he comes…”
Ruth slaps her thigh. Hard.
“…apparently he comes like a horse. Semen everywhere!”
“Yes!” Ruth almost speaks too loudly. She slaps Sarah on the back-
“So what do you think of that?”
The girls pick up their clay vessels brimming with cool, clear water and take a few steps away from the well.
Sarah shakes her head as she squats to urinate-
“I wonder what her father would say if he found out?”
Ruth smirks- “I can only imagine. Apparently good old Dad has lain with the donkey-cock too!” Ruth laughs out loud.
Sarah stood and pulled her cotton dress down over her silky, olive-coloured legs- “Abomination. Absolute abomination!”
“Yes.” Ruth agreed. “Somebody ought to write this stuff down in a book. It’d be a best seller for sure!
Off the girls tromped laughing and giggling all the way home, water splashing this way and that from their terra cotta containers.

More Bible Bwa Hah Hah next time!