Monday, April 30, 2012
More fun with Biblical Facts
This is the third in the current series. Will there be more?
Who knows? There's a wealth of situations here.
Enjoy... my faithful flock.
A story of the "Beginning" of time- or at least a 5000 years ago.
"So Cain went out from the Lord's presence and lived in the land of Nod, east of Eden.
Cain made love to his wife, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Enoch"
To bring you up to speed.
The Supreme Being made Adam.
Adam got tired of being alone and you know what young men do to themselves when they are alone?
That's why Kleenex was invented.
So God made Adam sleep one afternoon and while Adam slept, God yanked
~Wait for it~
- a rib from his side.
He blew on it and low and behold Eve appeared like an act on the semi-finals of Canada's Got Talent.
Now, eventually Adam and Eve performed coitus and had Cain and Able. Coitus?
No it's not the dinner show at the Holiday Inn.
It's a sexual union between a male and a female involving insertion of the penis into the vagina.
From the last lesson you should be familiar with the "coitus" that Lot's daughters had with their "old man" while he slept in a drunken stupor.
And it came to pass...Cain got pissed off one day and killed Abel his brother.
Now, so far I count 4 humans on earth.
Then minus one with Abel's death so, we stand at three.
After all God's focus was on this "creation" of Adam and Eve.
Now it was God's turn to be pissed. Cain went away to the Land of Nod.
There's no mention who lived in Nod.
Maybe Adam and Steve?
Still 4 minus one and counting.
All of a sudden Cain finds a woman in the Land of Nod and has his way with her and has a son or two.
Care to explain that one Lucy?
Did he have sex with his sister- or his mother Eve?
Did he have a sister?
As usual with the Holy Book, one has to make up a lot and just go with the flow- a lot.
A Recipe for Stone Soup
This one's a bit involved.
"If a man takes a wife and, after lying with her, dislikes her and slanders her and gives her a bad name, saying, "I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity," then the girl's father and mother shall bring proof that she was a virgin to the town elders at the gate.... If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl's virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death."
A man marries a women.
On the wedding night he believes that some other man has been "unto" her. That means hubbie suspects she's not a maiden. So the wife's Mum and Dad have to prove she is still a maiden.
If the hubbie was lying- being a false prophet if you will, he get's stoned.
If the wife turns out to be un-virgin like, Maw and Paw drag her to the city gates to be stoned by the menfolk in town.
Large Rocks 3 shekels . Medium 2 shekels or 4 rocks for 5shekels.
Such a deal!
In additon but a totally different scenario:
"If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die"
So a man fools around with another man's wife. That man and the wife also get hauled off to the city gates to be stoned.
These days, the city gates would be a crowded place to be- wouldn't you agree?
Judges 21: 7-23
Look this one up yourself. It's too long to reprint her.
It's kind of like a frat house party only with way more blood.
A bunch of guys decide to kill 400 virgins.
It's always the poor virgins.
Fellas are shoving their dicks every which way but loose and the virgins still pay the price.
Anyway, all these chaps get together and slaughter 400 virgins.
They are proud of the deed they did.
A week or so later, they realize that since they killed all the virgins, there have no women to take as their wives.
Such a conundrum.
So, they rush off to the neighbouring county where all the single girls are dancing and having a party on this particular night. The guys hide in the bullrushes or cornfields and when the gals are dancing round the fire-pit, they nab one for each of themselves and cart the gals back home and marry them.
A happy ending.
How they could tell in the dark the ladies were still vrigins is beyond me. If perchance the ladies were not virgins, please refer to Deuteronomy 22: 13-21 above.
Has anyone heard these stories in Sunday School or from the pulpit?
I thought not.
How to get a Free Ticket into Heaven
"But she will be delivered through childbearing, if she continues in faith and love and holiness with self-control:
Basically, a women has a baby and gets a free ticket into Heaven. Now the verse prior to this one mentions Eve and of course the fact she deceived Adam. That's the whole snake and the apple thing.
Poor Eve. They just can't let her forget that little deception. It's not like she scratched the side of his 57 Chevy or something!
Oh yes in this same area of Timothy- a few verses above, there are some pretty stern rules for the
ladies to follow. You can see how women in a political party or holding a position of authority rubs the Harperites the wrong way.
These words are so clear, I don't have to tell you what they mean.
C'mon ladies. Pull up your socks and get with the tour.
The tour that ends in Heaven.
Timothy 2: 11
"A woman must learn quietly with all submissiveness. But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man.
She must remain quiet."
Whaaat? You say?
I know but them's the facts M'am.
I mean this is God's word not something the Liberals are throwing at you willy-nilly.
Now, I know you fellas may feel a little sad knowing that just because you have a penis and not a vagina you can't have a baby and go directly to the Pearly Gates.
Now, don't be sad.
There is another way. It's a lot like Monopoly.
"And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life."
What does this mean?
Just give up everything- your house, property, family, money and your Gordon Lightfoot 8 Track tapes and you'll slide into Heaven homefree and richer too. A hundred times richer if one believes the verse.
Hmmm. Wonder if there are Joe Fresh stores in Heaven?
So everyone smile.
Death is looking better all the time...unless of course your a non-virgin.
That just means Hell is waiting for you with open arms.
Posted by Rob Reid at 7:30 AM