Monday, April 9, 2012

ROBBLOG #400



Look up. Look way up. You'll see that this is RobBlog #400.
I can hardly believe it!
I had no idea I could do it.
Will I continue to 500?
I just don't now.
My story below is one that came to me before the Easter Weekend. I was thinking about those with faith and how would a Superior Being- such as a God, decide how and where to appear to the masses on Earth, without shunning various religious factions.
Basically- what Religious organization would be most-favoured.


God Has a Think 

One day a couple of weeks ago, God was feeling restless.

God had watched Sound of Music at least 10 times and quite frankly it was becoming tiresome. Monty Python’s Life of Brian and the Meaning of Life were rip offs.
God thought- “I should sue”.
God mumbled aloud- “I had all- or at least most, of those ideas first.
However, that being said, God still laughed at several scenes in both movies- most notably: 

“Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm gets wasted,
God gets quite irate.” 

“What does a great deity like me- God, care if a bit of sperm gets tossed on the ground flushed down the drain or spewed upon someone’s bare back. “As if”- says God aloud as Madeline is passing through the den with her vacuum, a bunch of assorted tools and her favourite pink duster, heading for the kitchen. 

“Using your outside voice again God? I’ll bite. As if what- your magnificence?”- Madeline stopped to ask, even though she had her hands quite full of cleaning materials. 

“Oh Madeline, I was just thinking out loud about inhabitants of Planet Earth and how and what they perceive me to be.” 

With a deep, huffy breath, Madeline set down the vacuum and pink duster and placed both hands on her ample hips. Staring at God, she tapped her right foot for a fleeting moment. She actually seemed to be a bit pissed. It wasn’t the first time. 

“Look God, I’ve told you before. Those folks are all messed up down there on that Earth. You did what you could. I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again, you just should have stayed out of it in the first place. They would have made out alright. Look at those other planets where you didn’t share your omnipresent ideas. They are still spinning.” 

God looked out the window across the vast universe called Heaven. 

“I know. I know Madeline. Sometimes I just care too much and now all of them- well, most of them, think I am responsible for their past, present and future. I didn’t want any of this Madeline. I should have just stood back and watched, not throw me or my son into the mess. It was a bad move.”

“More like a bad movie. Hindsight, now. Sounds like the Devil’s work to be sure!”- says Madeline. She started to bend over to pick up her stuff from the tapestry rug covering the stone floor of God’s Den when she snapped her fingers- “Oh say! I almost forgot to tell you. Your Son called and said he was staying on Orlon a while longer. Something about fabulous beaches and he and the boys were having one hell of a time windsurfing!” 

God looked away from the window and back to Madeline. Before God could speak Madeline chimed in-
“Yes God. I told him to wear sunscreen! Honestly, you must take me for a one big, black idiot sometimes!” 

“No Madeline. Not at all. Never. You’ve been with me for ever. I’d never think that.” 

God lit a pipe.

Madeline’s voice became terse.
“Forever? Huh. Seems more like an eternity. Look the lad will be fine. Paul and Timothy are good guys although I have my doubts about that Thomas boy!”
She pauses for a second and looks over to God who is blowing smoke rings into the air and once again has turned to stare out the window at what lays beyond.

She continues. 

“Look, why don’t you take that long face of yours, pick up that phone and call The Devil. Maybe you can play cards or go for a round of golf. Anything to get you out of the house!” 

“Can’t do it! He’s busy giving seminars to the Atheists on Borg3. Selling out and doing quite well I hear. He said he’d call when he got back.” 

“And you believe what he says do you?” Madeline’s hands were back on her hips again.
Shaking her head she says- “Lookit! I know you’ve known that Devil for eons but honestly, find some new friends!” 

“But he plays such a good round of golf and he’s a great talker Madeline. No, I like having him around.” God puffed on the pipe. 

“Of course you like having him around. That chess game the two of you have been playing with those poor Human Beings down there on Earth!”
She shakes her head again.
“When are you two pranksters gonna tell them mixed up tribes that it was all one big bit of magic- nothing more. I think that joke has pretty much run its course. You know God- like Betty White in that show Hot in Cleveland or Peter Mansbridge on the National. Ya gotta know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em!” 

God looks back to Madeline.
“Still listening to that ‘country music’ I see.” 

“Bet your golden arches I am. I loves its very heart!”
She touches a right hand to her chest.
“Look I got things to do, so get yourself up off of that sofa and go over and talk to Peter at the gate. He always has something good to say about everything and everybody- except for Stephen Harper and Garfield Dunlop, other than that he’s a pretty good buddy. No go. Shoosh.” 

God lifts up from the couch and looks straight at Madeline. “You know I liked it better before everyone thought I existed!”

“Like sour milk, it’s too late to turn it back now. Good Gosh you are a complainer some days. Now get away with you. Shoo!” 

God smiled at Madeline and exited the den. Grabbing an umbrella from the rack in the front hall- even though it only rains once in a blue moon in Heaven, God walked out the front door.

“Hey stop by Mary Magdalene’s Market and pick up a steak for your dinner!”- Madeline called out as the door closed. “Good gosh a mighty. I’ll never understand that God. What a creation!”
She chuckles while she picks up her cleaning materials and heads for the kitchen in God’s House.  

 Once outside, it only took God about twenty minutes to sashay to the gate.  

“Well look who’s outside enjoying the weather and blue sky. I thought you were permanently fettered in that house of yours!” 

God smiled at Peter- “Naw, it’s just that some days I think- what’s the point?” 

“About what? Look God, is this about Earth again? It’s about time you tell those fine people it’s all a mirage. Tell them soon before they end themselves once and for all.”
Peter had a point. 

“I know. I know.” God sat down on the bench near the gate. He laid the umbrella on the ground. “Damn my feet are sore. It’s these new shoes. Pinching on my toes.” 

Peter smiled- “If you can’t get comfortable shoes, how’s there any hope for the rest of us?”

“Hope? Highly over-rated.” God slipped off the shoes off and felt the coolness of the grass beneath bare feet. “Ahhhh. That’s better. Look Pete. I have this idea.” 

Peter sat down next to him.

“Uh-Oh. Last time you had an idea you sent that son of yours down to Earth and…” 

“Smart ass. That’s what I was thinking about. You know, kind of like a second coming.” 

“What?” Peter was taken aback.” Why? To fulfill some kind of prophecy you conjured up a long time ago? You’ve flipped your corn-encrusted tootsies!” 

“What?” God was perplexed. 

“It’s just a turn of phrase God!” 

“I see. Not a very good one Pete.” 

“Fuck off! They all can’t be charmers.” Pete folded his arms across his chest. 

“Now, now.”-says God. I didn’t mean anything by that. Look what do you think about my idea. Sending the boy back down.” 

"Piece of ill-perceived crap God. Look it was just a bit of fun all that time ago with you and the Dev. A bet. A dare placed over the dinner table one night. God you really made a mess of that one! Can’t you just curl up with a good book or something?” 

God placed a hand on Peter’s thigh- “Peter. Don’t take my name in vain- please and thank you.” 

Peter looked into God’s face.
“Right, I don’t call you names and in return you respect my thoughts and actions.” 

“Right!” God slapped Pater’s thigh. “Simple- isn’t it?” 

Peter nodded. “Yes, now if you had only kept it simple for those earth beings. Now what the Hell would you do if you sent someone down there as a joke- again?” 

“No. No. Not a joke this time. An action to undo a trespass. Undo the gag. The problem it created in the first place.” 

Peter thought for a moment and then said- “Okay. Say you send him down. Where does he go? Where does he appear first? Does he go to Rome and see the Pope?” 

God shakes his head. “I don’t know what happened there? How did all that Pope business get started?” 

“Look God, we’ve been through all that before. Just think about this. Does he side with Rome? What about those Morons…” 

“Mormons.” God corrected him. 

“Right. Mormons in Salt Lake. Should he flop out of the sky and land there? What about The Archbishop of Canterbury in London? How would he feel- not to mention Israel, who by the way would not find your little escapade funny in the least? Then, there are the Baptists and Anglicans. Seventh Day Adventists and…” 

“Stop! You’re making my head ache! ” God stood up. “You’re right. It’s a mess. I know that. I just thought…” 

Peter stood up next to God and hung an arm around a mighty shoulder.
“Look, it’s a big mess- that’s for sure. My advice? Let it simmer. Sooner or later it’ll fade away. Why start something up all over again? The majority of those Humans get it and more and more really believe every day.” 

“That it’s an untruth? A fabrication”. God sat down again and propped both hands on mighty knees, holding a noble head in strong hands. “What did I do?” 

“Good Gracious but do you need a manicure. Look at those hands of yours!” 

God looked at his nails for a few seconds. “Ya, I’ve been meaning to make an appointment.” 

Peter continued. “We all make mistakes. It’s all part of eternity. Pull up your socks...” 

“I don’t wear socks Pete!” God laughed. 

“It’s just a figure of speech God. Look. Stay the course. Let things evolve. They have for millions of Earth years already.” 

God mumbled from between supporting hands- “Yah, how come many of them don’t get it. I mean that’s the truth to whole thing anyway. Things have been going on down there for longer than each of us can remember. Atoms and particles and stuff flew about. A planet is born. Grass grows. The rain falls and life evolves. It’s so simple.” 

“Peter smiles- “Yes. To us, it is simple.” 

God smacks Peter on the back. “Thanks for this. You always know what to say.” 

“Anytime, God.” Peter throws his arms around God and hugs hard. 

Then, bending down to pick up the umbrella, God says- “Well I got to stop by Magdalene’s Market for a nice, red steak for the Barbee tonight. If I don’t, Madeline will make sure there’s Hell to pay!” 

“Speaking of Hell…” Peter brushes a wayward hair or two from his eyes, “How’s the old coot doing?” 

“Oh he’s over doing some seminars for the Atheists on Borg 3 .” 

God beamed. “Better him than me! Thank God I didn’t have anything to do with that!”
Realizing what was just said, both of them laughed hardily.

“See ya, Pete! Say hi to the wife will ya?” 

Peter nodded. 

God turned down the street in front of the gate and headed in the direction of Magdalene’s Market.

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