ROBBLOG #599

 

Dear Readers,

 

I have been compromised.

I feel dirty.

That hasn't happened since the early 80's.

Feeling dirty that is...

 

Actually, I feel more compromised than dirty. You see, my person has not been compromised but my credit card has been.

 

I got a call from my bank this morning saying someone had used my card in Toronto just before midnight. The bank checked out a few things. They asked me some questions over the phone, then told me that my card was defunct- immediately.

A new card will be sent and I should get it within 24 to 48 hours.

I have been told that I will need to advise all those companies that use my credit card on an automatic basis that I have a new credit card number.

 

Inconvenient for me, I must say.

The bank also said I will not be liable for any charges.

That's nice.

 

It seems it was a company in Toronto that delivers food to homes and the red flag went up about midnight. The charge was $103.

Seems strange but it's good the bank has a system whereby a computer realizes it couldn't be Rob Reid using his card at that time, in the City of Toronto.

 

The security person I spoke with said they have the address of the individual(s) who placed the order and that it would be checked out.

It's fraud of course.

A serious offence but it could have been worse for the bank. These fraudsters could have duped my card and the bank for thousands.

 

I paid an online charge to Microsoft for Microsoft Word a couple of months back. A minute after I made the purchase, I received an automated call checking on my purchase. Must be a lot of compromised cards with that type of online purchase. Of course, it was for a couple of hundred dollars. Overall, I am pleased the bank called.

Better safe than sorry.

 

 

 

Will I feel nervous now when I buy online or use my credit card online?

No, not at all.

With a security system such as this in place, I feel confident the criminals will be found and thrown into Fraud Jail where they will be forced to share a toilet with a cell full of fellow fraudsters and enjoy 3 meals a day of stale bread and water.

 

It's a good thing I wasn't leaving on Holiday today or needing to buy something online from Simons.

Not having a credit card can certainly put a hold on one's purchasing habits- can't it?

 

Oh well, in 48 hours- or less, I will be back in the society of the credit card holder and all things will be right within my world.

 

 



ROBBLOG#598

 

April?

Or is it.

Doesn't seem like it in Central Ontario at least. Since the beginning of March, we have had 4 storms. The first on March 1st brought us 30 cm.

That melted. It was spring.

Then the end of March a bugger of an ice storm. That melted and we got a few cms of snow as a reminder that winter was still hiding around a corner. Then, April 3rd overnight another 15cm. It is melting in the warm April Sunshine but the temps are crazy cold.

Like -12C overnight tonight.

Everyone is complaining. They're bored. People want to feel springy. Get on with things.

 

I read a young man's tweet on twitter today.

He said "Orillia is so boring, no wonder people take drugs."

Not sure about that pastime but at times living in Orillia can be like living in a "little" backwater of rednecks. I love the asshole who drives around town with his truck and the Civil War Confederate flag hanging in the window or stuck on a pole and flapping in the breeze from the tailgate.

Does he even know what that flag represents?

No.

Because he's a bloody redneck and probably has never sat down and talked to someone of colour or someone who is Gay.

 

Now, on that subject of Gay, April 4th is our anniversary- number 31. My husband and I met on a flight to Honolulu, Hawaii thirty-one years ago.

April 4th, 1985.

 

That's us on the steps of the Royal Hawaiian in April 1985. Me on the right.
I know.
The legs!
The shorts!
The brown hair.
Those were the days.

We had an official wedding- licence and guests and vows, 10 years ago on April 4th, 2006.
We've had a good run these past 31 years and we intend to keep it going. Just going out to dinner tonight to celebrate but we did send a collage of photos to those that shared in that happy event 10 years ago.
The e-mails we got back are nice. We all had a great evening ten years ago and maybe it was one of the top social events of that spring season- so many people tell us.
It was a Black & White Wedding meaning- Rednecks aside, guests were asked to dress in black and white.
They did.
Even two gents in white tux jackets.
It was so classy and so much fun.

Now, this coming year we are doing something different. Something we haven't experienced in these past 31 years. My husband Tom is going to retire- in two months time he tells me. That will be something!
I mean, we've had stretches where he's been on vacation for a few weeks but never forever and ever since he's been a Flight Attendant/In Charge for almost 42 years.
It will be interesting saying "buh-bye" to Air Canada.

We need to plan for our future too. It's time. We haven't been able to do that with Tom working and being away a dozen days every month.
Will we stay in Orillia?
Will we sell and move.
Will we just spend our winter's away somewhere nicer?

All these questions need to be answered and since we don't have any real redneck friends to ask their opinion, we'll just have to come up with the answers ourselves.

 

MILDRED'S BLOG #597 (formerly RobBlog)

 

Mildred Fanny's ReBUTTal

 

Note: In the interest of fair representation, I am allowing Miss Mildred Fanny to have a moment of rebuttal regarding the content of a new show I have written called "All for Nun...The 2nd Coming".

 

Dear Sir or Madam,

First of all, I wish to thank Mr. Reid- immoral Atheist and poofter that he is, for allowing me to make a few points regarding a new stage show he will be presenting this summer. Mr. Reid asked myself and several other devoted Catholic Women- including Dorothea Swagman, to read his soon to be produced script. I must say I was shocked at some of the words I saw on the page. After Dorothea glanced at the first act, she has taken to the demon drink once again and refuses to allow her husband to see her in her foundations (girdle and stockings) before bedtime. I think you can understand the severity and untold affect many of the words- and resultant images, imprinted upon the script pages Mr. Reid- post hole digger that he is, handed me.

 

So shocked was I, I am  still quite unable to take full breaths and have decided to both reply and lodge a weighty complaint through my telephone equipment. You may dictate my words to a quality typist for publication. I don't use my twat so I am unable to tweater on that- nor do I post my face- or any other body part for that matter, on facelook which I understand is nothing but the Den of Satan.

 

Now to my point that Mr. Reid- man-muffin that he is, has allowed me to share with his readership.

I read his play with great trepidation and my initial instincts have proved to be more than correct. This is no Passion Play regarding the life, untimely exit and ultimate return of our Dear Catholic Lord Jesus. The  words "The Second Coming" had me fooled for a moment. Now, I don't want to sound smutty here but my second coming did not come to fruition for at least 7 months after my wedding night and safe to say there have not been that many since. I simply tell my husband George that I am not a filthy old rag rug that simply lies still in order for him to reap and sow his manly pleasures. I am woman. Hear me roar. Anyway, my husband George seems to be quite happy toddling off- these many years,to the barn and milking his own cow without bothering me about it all.

I am sure Jesus smiles down upon me. Praise Jesus Lord of all earthly men.

 

Now then my point. I am not sure the Nuns in this show are a proper representation of the Holy Church. The Catholic Church- as anyone who has half a brain and keeps his plunger in his pants will tell you, is the only "real" church and the sooner the Protestants- especially the Anglicans, get that- the better we'll all be.

 

Don't get me started during this Eastertide on the Jews who killed our Lord and Saviour. Those people should never have stopped wandering.

Chosen people my hemorrhoidal fanny cushion!

We Catholics are the "chosen" ones.

Why who has the Vatican and a Pope?

It certainly isn't the Jews or the Baptists for that matter.

As for those Nuns, I really don't believe they are true "nuns"- except for that Sister Mary Margaret who is one of the most devout, true and devoted Christian women I have ever met. She is a lady through and through, crafted in the image of the woman Eve in the Holy Blessed Garden of Eden- which the Mormons- through diligent study and sacred archeology, believe to be in Southwest Arkansas. This Sister- through and through, is indeed an example of a true "Bride of the Christ".

 

Listen to me people! I want these immoral representations of dedicated Holy women stopped immediately for Catholic Jesus' sake. I know he would be less amused and more ashamed.

 

While I am on the topic of my Lord, why in Heck do the Protestants think they have some right- after two thousand years, to tell me and my beloved church that we have the Lord's "colouring" all wrong? WTF?

For those uninitiated in short forms- WTF is Why The Foolishness.

What does all this mean when a Protestant is at home? That our Jesus should be dark skinned?

Roasted Poppy Cock!

Have none of these people ever seen Ben Hur starring that lovely, large, well-muscled, God-fearing- albeit non-Catholic man, Charlton Heston?

Anyone with a heart devoted to Jesus knows that as the Son of God he would have blonde hair and blue eyes and nobody is going to change my beloved Bible after so many centuries.

No Sir and in that I am unilingually  unilingual!

And finally, for the Sake of Jesus- our all powerful Lord in Heaven, his Father and the Holy Ghost- Casper, please keep lowly women such as myself out of the priesthood and in the kitchen where we belong- and I'm talking to the likes of you Jann Arden and Premier Kathleen Wynne.

In conclusion, I do not believe this play would be looked upon with approval by our Lord and therefore I must tote his line and sinker and bequest the same to Mr. Reid- stinker that he is.

 

Thanking You in the Name of Catholic Jesus, I remain-

Mildred Fanny

 

P.S. Happy Eastertide for Christ The Lord has Risen today. Hallelujah!

P.S.S. I hope you are feeling better soon Dorothea.

ROBBLOG #596

 

 

I am having doubts.

 

"What about, Dear Rob..."- I hear you ask?

 

The list isn't that long and heck, I don't even have a list really but I thought I'd talk to you about it-since you are all my closest and dearest friends...

 

It's this Theatre thingy.

Summer theatre and specifically- my Double R Production's Orillia Summer Theatre.

It's such a hard slog.

 

Every day I am trying to convince someone or some company to support this non-profit venture and that is not easy.

 

It's the part about producing a theatre season without grants and backers that I detest the most. Some theatre companies have the backing of the towns and cities where they are located. City/town councils may set aside 40 or 50 thousand dollars to help a theatre company produce a lineup of summer shows.

 

 

 

I wonder what that would be like? Just knowing that you have 40 thousand dollars with which to play? No scrounging for dollars from businesses that can hardly afford to support you- but do. No endless explaining why you are producing theatrical shows, why you need funding and how it all works. There are the endless explanations that the company is non profit and I don't revel in thousands and thousands of dollars of profit at the end of the season.

 

Last season I took $200 dollars for my own pocket. That's for 8 months of work. Pretty poor return until I tell you that venues alone cost us $10,000. Cast and crew were paid thousands. Rights were paid to playwrights. Sets were built. Lights rented. $3000 dollars was donated to local charities and on and on. I knew from the start there wouldn't be much left but we provided work for actors and brought in more than 20 groups and buses to our downtown theatre. Those patrons shopped and lunched downtown and visited local sites of interest.

Can you hear me Orillia?

 

Now, this season I am working with a terrific, determined committee of five who are trying to interest groups and buses to come to our shows. They are selling advertising and sponsorships and taking a bunch of stuff off my desk- except for the worry and the restless sleep some nights.

 

To be honest, the season could still fizzle.

On the plus side, our Kickstarter campaign will make it's goal bringing us a thousand bucks to pay for brochures etc. Some season sponsors and show sponsors are in place but not as many as last season- so our funding will be less. After the initial monies are in place, we still need ticket sales- "bums in

seats". Until our groups and bus tours start to come in- if they even do, we are on a precipice.

We are teetering on the edge of season success and ultimate fizzlement. 

Yes, I know. "Fizzlement" is not a real word but you get my drift.

 

It's a good thing we are only presenting two shows this year, albeit at two venues. We may pull this season off and come out in the black. The next two months will tell the tale. If tickets are selling we can do it. If we don't have ticket sales and see buses and groups, we'll just not be able to continue.

 

Our shows are "All for Nun...The 2nd Coming"- a musical comedy which I have written...well, almost written. I have even penned 3 new songs that I hope will be included in the show.

The second show is Norm Foster's "Sadie Flynn Comes to Big Oak".

 

Go to our Facebook page:

www.Facebook.com/DoubleRProductionsOrillia

for details. You'll find our Kickstarter project listed there too. Any amount to help us along would be appreciated. If you are a business and care to help us with a sponsorship, send us an e-mail to

orilliatheatre@gmail.com

 

Our box office will soon have the ability to accept Visa and MasterCard and when it does, we invite you to call and order your tickets- for both shows. Order 2 tickets before June 30th and get them for

$45. That's a 9 dollar savings.

Donate $80 bucks to our Kickstarter project and get 4 comp tickets as a reward and save $28

 

For now, I still have doubts but I also have some kind of faith that "the show will go on".

It must go on.

We do it for the Orillia Community as well as ourselves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

ROBBLOG #595

March. 

Lovely, beautiful March with warm winds, greening grass and chirping birds...

No, I do not know what all the f***** snow and wind was about March 1st but I have made it a distant memory and so should you.

The long-range spring forecast from the Weather Network says above normal temps and below normal precipitation.

I'll take that.

On to other business.

In my last epistle I promised a few words about what I have been up to of  late.

Well, now I am ready to spill.

Along with my darling Husband Tom, our company Double R Productions has decided to do another season of summer theatre at the OCC in Downtown Orillia.

No, I have not gone all stupid.

Maybe more along the lines of crazy, since it seems when I tell friends of my summer intentions their response is:

"Are You crazy?"

Yes, perhaps.

It all started with a call from the Beaverton Town Hall Players who asked us to perform six "All for Nun" Shows at the Beaverton Town Hall Theatre- a historic 1910 theatre, right in downtown Beaverton.

Once we saw this marvelous old theatre, I thought the natural thing to do would be to extend those shows and perform in Orillia as well. Then, upon further thought I said to myself- "why not put a small season together by adding a second show?". 

We confirmed space at the OCC- where last year's shows were performed.

The result is- 

Two Venues and Two Shows although to us it will seem like three shows.

I've also morphed last years successful "All for Nun" into this year's "All for Nun...The 2nd Coming"

So far I have put almost 20 hours into the re-write- and I am not finished. Some aspects of last year's show will remain but there's a lot of new stuff too.

The bus tours and groups will return to have more "NunFun" and we hope single "bums" will plop themselves down into seats as well.

Our second summer offering is a very funny Norm Foster comedy that we performed three years ago as part of the Summer Season of Shows at the Gravenhurst Opera House- "Sadie Flynn Comes to Big Oak". That show was very successful. We had performed it earlier in the year in Orillia at the Stubley Auditorium. That show was performed in the round. Quite an experience for actors and audience alike. We still have the set pieces, so, I thought what the heck, let's do it one more time.

Many of the actors from last year will return for these shows but there could be some new faces as well.

Stay tuned.

Our show prices are cheaper than last year at $27 an individual ticket. That's good news- what with our dollar and the price of celery and meat these days! As a matter of fact that's a cheaper ticket price than our summer friends at the Orillia Opera House offer. There's even a special price in our brochure (hint, hint) that will save you more.Groups this year begin at 10+ and pay only $25 per ticket with a handling charge of $10. While single ticket holders do not have reserved seating, our groups and tour buses do.

Along with Mariposa Market- who are a hop, skip and a Nun's Habit from our Theatre door, we offer a $45 lunch and show package that can't be beat! Other specials and tour opportunities are available by getting in touch with us.

Our executive at Orillia Summer Theatre/Double R Productions includes Tom Ruechel as Stage Manager, Jim Dwyer as "Anywhere we place him Manager", Claire Acott is Group Sales and Tour Manager and Laurie Herd Promotions Manager. Scott Reid- my brother, is set design and build. First time we have a need for 2 sets at two different venues at the same time.

More details of our season are at www.Facebook.com/DoubleRProductionsOrillia. 

Phone numbers for Groups and our Box Office (705.242.4092) details are posted there.

Oh yes, we are attempting to raise a paltry $1100 dollars on Kickstarter. Any port in a storm to raise some dollars. We have sponsorship opportunities available as well.

I'd also like to mention that we try to be an active part of the community in which we live. Last year Double R Productions supported three local non profit organizations by donating more than $3000 dollars in total. Our shows brought in a couple of dozen bus tours and groups who not only shopped in Downtown Orillia but took advantage of local activities such as a Heritage Tour- provided by us, Museum Tours and pre-show Dinners.

I must say, we work hard at our season and we don't have a major benefactor giving us thousands to perform our shows. We start with "Zero" dollars and build from there.

Yes...it is nail-biting time.

Some nights I wake up screaming wondering if it will all come together.

If you'd like to help us with our season there are three ways to do so.

Pledge using your credit card on Kickstarter.

Be a show or season sponsor by spending $300 to $600

or

Just donate "X" number of dollars to our Non Profit company.

Buying tickets is always good too!

Call our box office or e-mail orilliatheatre@gmail.com and we'll gladly take your pennies and cheques or answer any questions you may have.

Now I have told you everything.

Not quite EVERYTHING but it is all I have right now.

See You at the Theatre!

ROBBLOG#594

 

I'm not sure I have many readers left at this point.

It's been mid-January since I last blogged. Times flies when you're hating winter.

 

Good Lord, we've had some cold days in the past month- not much snow but cold.

Last weekend the daytime readings were beyond pleasant at -40C wind chill in the daytime. Now, today, here we are several degrees on the plus side and rain.

 

This has been a mild winter.

Green Christmas. No real snow until last month and now March is around the corner. I kind of hope our weather goes from winter-like one day to spring-like the next.

 

This being my 65th year on this planet, I find that I detest winter even more- in any way, shape or form. I was glad for the balmy December Days. I had a Boston Fern on the verandah on Christmas Eve for pete's sake. Winter keeps me in the house. I hate the cold and the snowy days when it's a trial to walk the puppies or walk to the garage. Slush, muck and sidewalk sand gets everywhere.

 

What really put a damper on this winter is a virus I have caught. I didn't have a sniffle the past two seasons and a week ago I got hit with a virus that won't let go. My Doctor sent me home with a shopping list- Vitamin C, Halls, liquids, Orange Juice and more Vitamin C. This virus has sat in my throat for a week and is just not letting go. Sore throat and absolutely no voice for a few days. My vocal chords need rest and I have been obeying orders and even staying off the phone. Now, in the past two days my eyes are weeping and I wake up in the morning with white crusty stuff all over my eyelashes. My eyes are as red as a Valentine Heart.

How charming.

 

I sip at a huge glass of OJ as I type. Maybe, just maybe by Monday- or Tuesday, I will have beat this unwanted virus.

 

So, I am trying to cheer up even though I feel lousy and rejoice that March comes hither and another January and February will become just a distant memory soon.

 

I will write again when I am my old self.

 

I'd love to bring you up to date on my summer plans!

 

ROBBLOG#593

Dear Reader,

 

I blame what you are about to read on a normal childhood. If I had of had a super normal childhood, you would probably be reading a nice little story about a beaver who built his house in a nice little pond and had many other nice beavers over for afternoon tea. Alas, this is not to be...

 

Princess Redcinderwhite lived in a picturesque little shanty town in the shadow of Toenail Mountain. People said she was a pretty young thing with flowing blonde hair, fair skin and buck teeth. Ed- as the townsfolk called her, had a huge pair of buhzonkas that stretched her white, cotton, tee shirt to its limit. 

 

Most days Princess Ed would take a stroll to sit beneath her favourite tree at the base of Toenail Mountain. Most of those days as she passed by the local Tim Hortons- which the local Prince and his Cronies frequented, she would hear him call out to her-

“Hey Redcinderwhite...what fine, big boobies you have there. I’d like to get me a mouthful of both of them!” 

Most days Ed would let the Prince’s comment go in one ear and out the other but on one particularly sunny day, she happened to be walking along the street with the local Priest-

Father Loveme Demalter Bois.

Father Demalter Bois was a Brazilian Priest who kept his figure lean and mean beneath his cassock by walking up and down Toenail Mountain. The exercise had paid off. Father Demalter Bois looked good!

No really.

He looked really good.

You know. Gay good! 

 

 

As Ed and the Father strolled by Tim Horton’s, the Prince and his flunkies began to call out to her- as was usually the case, saying stuff like-

“Hey Ed, what fine, big, beautiful, jiggly boobies you have. How about a gander at them!”

Or-

“Gee I’d like to bury something big and stiff between ‘em!”  

Ed was embarrassed at these crude comments, seeing that Father Demalter Bois was walking along beside her. She stopped in her tracks and walked towards the Prince leaving Father Love Demalter Bois standing alone on the sidewalk right in front of the Tim’s. She strode right up to the Prince and kicked him squarely in the nuts.The Prince dropped to the ground and rolled in what seemed to be tear-producing, uncomfortable pain.

“Fuck!”- he yelled!!

 “Whaddah ya hafta go and do that for you crazy piece of big booby turd?” 

Ed looked back at a rather embarrassed yet lean and mean Father Bois for just a second, then turned and cracked the Prince a good one in his nutsack once more. Good think she was wearing her pointy Princess Shoes. It was sure to extract more pain to the Princes ballsack than any pair of open toed sandals would have. 

“Oh Gawd. That hurts!” cried the Prince in certain agony as he rolled back and forth on the ground outside Tim’s. “That really, really hurts you know Ed. Fuck You!” 

“Well Fuck You too Prince! From now on maybe you’ll think twice before you make a comment about my beautiful, big boobies!” 

The Prince- still rolling on the ground in terrific nutpain, managed to look up at the Princess Redcinderwhite and said-

“Too fucking right!” 

Ed smiled a warm, comely, buck-toothed smile and turning back to Father Loveme Demalter Bois, grabbed his arm and continued the stroll towards Toenail Mountain their original destination. 

The End.