ROBBLOG #574

Time for another brief visit with the "Big Guy" upstairs...


Me: Gee, it's been a while God. How have you been?

God: Oh, pretty good Rob. Thanks for asking and it has been a while I must say. Didn't you have a wee talk with my son a while ago?

Me: Yes. It was fun. Quite the kid you've got there.

God: Yes and they grow up fast. You have kids Rob?

Me: No but I thought you'd know that being omnipresent and all.

God: You would think so, eh? It's just hard to keep on top of things and of course, I'm not as young as I used to be. Some days I can't remember a person's name for the life of me.

Me: Oh, I am the same way.Getting older is the pits!

God: Yes Rob, but just look at the reward when life is all done. Oh by the way, your "Earth Mother" says hi. My secretary just passed me a note from her.

Me: Really? How's she doing.

God: Well now Rob, she's fitting in quite well. Almost a full year now but between you and me, she can be stubborn even here in the afterlife.

Me: Really...

God: Oh she's no trouble. She reads a lot and watches her TV.

Me: She always was a reader. So, you have TV in Heaven?

God: Oh yes. All the best channels. Satellite you know.

Me: Of course.

God: I have to confess Rob, we don't pay for the signal.

Me: No?

God: Being God has some advantages. The Angels are great when it comes to technical stuff and somehow they managed to shoot our satellite dish at the one's circling earth and well- Volia! Lisa LaFlamme every night at eleven- central Heaven Time.

Me: So anything else new you'd like to mention?

God: Things are good here. Gardens look amazing. Lots of new Condos being constructed. Yes, Heaven's a busier place these days what with all the killing in the world.

Me: About that. Every thought of coming down and putting an end to it?

God: Oh Rob. Gosh, I wish I could but there'll always be assholes in the world. You folks have to learn how to deal with it. You've made a lot of mistakes over the centuries but I give you hope- and Love.

Me: Thanks for that. Any plans for the future.

God: Yes. I am planning a trip to Molar. That's my vacation planet a few million light years from Heaven. Nice place. Lots of Palm Trees and an ocean. I go there to relax- get away from the phones- and my e-mail. Hey! Did you see Rob I started following you on Twitter?

Me: Yes and I was gobsmacked.

God: Better than being God-Smacked which I am thinking of doing  to all those ISIS folks. I'm afraid they're heading in the wrong direction. I had a meeting last week with their God and we're trying to come up with something, so we'll see.

Me: That would be great. Look God, I have to run. Chiropractor appointment.

God: Yes, I know.

Me: Oh...

God: It's the know all and see all thing.

Me: Right. well nice chatting with you and we'll do it again soon.

God: You bet. All the best Rob.

ROBBLOG #573

If you don't watch medical dramas on TV-like Saving Hope, because of the blood, you may not appreciate my little fable- Rob*

David threw off his bed sheets and dashed to the kitchen to flick the switch on his coffee maker.
He stood looking out the patio doors, scratching his balls and patting his six pack, as the percolator gurgled and sputtered hot coffee into the insulated carafe.

He poured a mug of Arabica and returned to the bedroom pulling on a tee shirt and track pants. He was still barefoot when he opened the man-door into his garage. This was the day of his long-awaited party celebrating nothing. It was just a party. Cocktails and food. A new recipe he was anxious to try.
David was excited. He liked to entertain and this was his chance to show off his culinary talents as well as his new family room furniture and his 80 inch smart TV.

Grabbing a three-step stool he climbed on top, reaching for the extra martini glasses he kept in a box on the top shelf. As he did so, he nudged the axe which was resting on the top shelf next to the glasses. It dropped off the shelf, falling like a lead balloon, slicing his left arm off at the shoulder.
Blood spurted everywhere.
So, thought David laughing to himself, it was going to be one of those days. He climbed down off the step stool and stuffed an old rag that had been lying on the second shelf next to the turpentine, into the gaping hole where his left arm was once attached to his body. Most of the blood stopped gushing down his chest but it has soaked his track pants on coloured his bare feet a deep burgundy red.

Picking up his left arm from the garage floor, he placed it on the bottom shelf next to the windshield washer fluid. He'd deal with that later. He had tonight's party to think about.

David carefully climbed back up on the step stool gripping the shelving unit with his good right arm as he climbed. Once again he reached for the box of Martini glassware on the top shelf- this time with his remaining good hand and arm, pushing the box slowly to the edge of the shelf. He grabbed it and placed it firmly between his right pectoral and bicep.
He started down the three steps.
As he did, the rag he had stuffed in the gaping hole in his left shoulder, caught on the teeth of a wood saw that was hanging- albeit precariously, on a nail on the front of the shelving unit. The rag entangled itself on the teeth of the saw, flinging it off the nail towards David's body, causing it to slice his right arm off just below his tricep muscle.
Oh fuck David thought! Now, just how inconvenient is this. Of all days for this to happen!
He shrugged and picked up his right arm- that had fallen into the blue recycle container, with his teeth.

Yuck. He hated the taste of blood and besides he had just been to the dentist for a teeth cleaning the day before.

He sat himself down on the floor near the garage door, behind his apple-red PT Cruiser. It was a much brighter red than the blood that was pooling on the floor around him. David shimmied out of his track pants and using his left foot- the same foot he used to easily self-manipulate his penis, he stuffed the track pants into the gapping wound on his right shoulder, stopping most of the blood that was draining from his lean, well-muscled body. His blood ran onto the cold cement floor and pooled under the car's tires.

"Damn and blast!"- he cried, kicking the front left PT tire with his right foot.
As he sat there naked from the waste down and without arms, he noticed he was feeling a bit light-headed. He kicked the tire again in frustration. Suddenly, the PT Cruiser began to lurch backwards towards him and the garage door,
Egads and Shit!
David had forgotten to set the emergency brake when he parked the car in the garage the night before!

The Cruiser lumbered towards the door and David who was sitting on his ass in front of it!
In seconds, the tires rolled across both his legs, slicing one off below the kneecap and the other above his upper thigh. David had to admit he was feeling a bit of discomfort but at the same time as he sat there on his hard, athletic asscheeks, he was mad enough to slap his one good thigh with a clenched fist, until he remembered- he didn't have fists anymore. Why hadn't he remembered to set the parking break. He was starting to feel sorry for himself when he remembered his party that evening.

Great he thought, now I'll have to "bum" around for the evening...

ROBBLOG #572

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Cripes it's cold! It's been unrelenting for what?...the past 4 weeks. The good news is...there's no good news. Not a plus side temperature in site through the end of February!

Those Canadians who packed up and left for Florida or Arizona are lucky. Yes getting up in the morning with the temp only about 5c is cool but look at the alternative- minus 41c!! There's also the hope that you might see the high teens of even 20c by afternoon.
I could handle that.

Our friends on Vancouver Island- in Sidney, saw 11c and sunshine yesterday. Today much the same.
I mean- that's bearable. Good for a walk, a bike ride, a roller blade or maybe even a coffee in the brilliant west coast sunshine. Here in Orillia if the temp hits 11c, the boys have their shirts off and it's Speedo weather! I hear you can actually watch the sun set over the Pacific without freezing your knockers off!

Not much you can do in frigid weather. Walking is tough- unless you only go out with just your eyes peeking out. At what temperature do eyeballs freeze? Better wear sun glasses or goggles to be safe. Walking the dogs is a no-go and letting them out to do their business has to be "operation quick sticks"!

Hard to believe it was a green Christmas a few weeks ago. It was too warm to have the fireplace on.

We had a Valentines Dinner at Cedar at the Casino. The breeze wafting across the Box Office lobby from the entrance was chilly. Hot coffee helped.

So my friends, we have to hunker down for a while yet unless you are able to jet away for a spell. Just one problem, you'll come back to frigidity soon enough.
That almost ruins the time you spend away.

I know this is a short blog but I gotta run.

I have to throw another tree on the fire!

ROBBLOG #571

 

My Niece and her wife are in Cuba.

 

Friends of ours- they just happened to meet while frolicking in the warm Hispanic waters, are also in Cuba. Small world.

 

My Sister and her Husband are somewhere in Florida- since the day after Boxing Day.

 

My Cousins are in the Port Charlotte area on the Gulf Coast. They left in early January and return in April. They now own their own place- after a one month stay to try it out back in November.

 

Tom and I are sitting in the bone-chilling cold of Orillia, Ontario, Canada.

Why?

I dunno. I just asked him that question

He said it was because of our two dogs and two cats and the requirement of a house sitter.

Poor, lame excuse!

This from the fellah who just got back from London's 10 degree Celsius temps.

Not a heat wave but 30+ degrees warmer than here.

 

Earlier in the week he was in Mainz- not far from Frankfurt. Some forsythia blooms were out.

Spring is coming to Europe.

Winter's chill remains here in Canada.

To be fair, on Vancouver Island in both Victoria and Sidney, temps are 10+ too and the sun is shining most days. In a couple of weeks buds will start to burst and tulips and other spring plants will peek their heads above the earth.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

 

 Sidney B.C.

 

Don't believe me?

Got to www.sidney.ca and look at the webcams.

 

I had high hopes that this might be the year he retires and we look at our future. A place away from this damn cold and snow. The year 2015, I know, is not over. I am talking the "seasonal year".

Winter.

~UGH~

 

When it's minus something, I rarely venture outside. Add the feeking unbelievable wind chills we've been experiencing this winter and I turn on both fireplaces and zip up the thermostat and slip into a bare of shorts. I have a vibrant imagination and I believe I can feel the trade winds on my face.

 

The winter-lovers- those bastards, tell me that our green Christmas was but a month ago...

Oh go F*** yourselves.

I say that with all the love in my heart which at -27 is not much.

 

Well, what more can I say?

Nothing!

At least I got it all off my mind...and it is February after all.

 

 

 

 

ROBBLOG #570

 

 

It's Friday Night about 1135.  Steve- a handsome, brown-skinned boy with dancing eyes is preparing for bed when Jesus drops by for a visit.

 

Steve: So, stop looking at me like that...

 

Jesus: How should I look at you Steve?

 

Steve: Well, not like that. It’s more of a leer than looking.

 

Jesus: How so Steve?

 

Steve: I dunno. It’s creepy!

 

Jesus: Creepy in the way you sleep naked or creepy that I know something that you don’t?

 

Steve: You know that I go to bed in the buff?

 

Jesus: Oh yes, I know that. I see that Steve. I drop by every night to have a look at you.

 

Steve: Alright. Now I’m feeling like a whore. I feel creepy and I feel like a “whore of Jesus”.

 

Jesus: That’s what it’s all about Steve. I am BIG while you are tiny. I make the rules Steve.

 

Steve: I know. I heard.

 

Jesus: I also know what you do in your private moments! ~grin~

 

Steve: No! Not that too. You bast...

 

Jesus: Uh, Uh, Uh, Steve. You wanna get to Heaven don’t you?

 

Steve: Yes. Of course.

 

Jesus: Good boy. Now watch your language and take off your pants.

 

Steve: Whaaaat??

 

Jesus: You heard me. Take ‘em off… and nice and slow too. I like it nice and slow.

 

Steve: Jesus!

 

Jesus: Yes?

 

Steve: No, I mean JESUS!

 

Jesus: Come, come now Steve. I am the puppeteer and you are the puppet. You know you’ll do what I ask for...

 

Steve: Or what? ~slipping out of his jeans~

 

Jesus: Or I’ll make you climb the fire stairway, only I’ll cover it in slippery, hot oil.

 

Steve: You bloody, big bast...

 

Jesus: Now Steve. You think this is tough? Imagine what Satan would ask of you?

 

Steve: NO! I don’t want to think about that! Okay. Okay. I’ll do it.

 

Jesus: Nice! Very nice! Remember Steve, nice and slow and maybe take the shirt off too.

 

Steve: Pervert!

 

Jesus: Thank you Steve. I like boys when they talk dirty. ~pause~ My! You are brown all over-aren’t you?

 

Steve: Oh shit…

 

ROBBLOG #569

Today, I present to you an Incomplete, Fractured Tale...of Sorts.

Jonathan Ibberswash- coffee in his left hand, pulls back the bedroom drapes with his right and stares out into the bleek, cold world of a Sunday in winter. His naked body shivers at the scene of frozen white as he takes a big sip of his coffee.

The snow falls and swirls.

When is it fucking going to stop? At least he was warm inside. Jonathan glances down at his naked, size eleven feet and pats his hard, hairy stomach. It takes his mind off the cold for a few seconds.  He pictures his hardbody lounging around a pool in the hot sun, not standing here before this frozen wasteland. A few seconds later he turns towards the bathroom.

After a shower and shave he slips into his favourite jeans and sweater and heads for the front hall. He ties a scarf around his neck, crawls into his favourite leather jacket and pulls on a pair of warm gloves his Aunt Mary gave him this past Christmas. Sitting on the wooden  bench next to the closet he sticks his size eleven's into fake fur-lined boots and heads out the door- carefully locking it behind him.

Still cold.
Still snowing.
Still blustery.
A good hot breakfast would do.
In the garage he gets behind the wheel of his red Mazda and calls his friend Matt.
"Hey Buddy! You up?"
"Yeah. Of course."- was the reply.
"Still up for breakfast Matty?"
"Yeah. Sure. Where? Dumbo's?"
Jonathan winced- "Sure. I guess. If that's where you want to go."
Matt comes back- "They have great eggs benny and their waiters are cute!"
"Ok. Fine."- Jonathan didn't want to argue. Matt was his best friend and he liked their Sunday breakfasts. They always lingered for a couple of hours and talked about everything under the sun- including boyfriends and hot prospects. "Pick you up in 15. I want to stop at Mac's for a Sunday paper."
"Gotcha."- says Matt.
"Oh and Matty?"
"Yeah?"
"Wear underwear. It's far too early in the day to watch that monster of yours trying to beat its way out of your tight jeans!"
"Jealous much!"- Matt says laughing, as he hangs up.

Jonathan pulls the Mazda from the garage and heads to Mac's just a few blocks away. After getting his paper, he settles in for the 10 minute drive to Matt's. He plays some k d Lang as he drives through the frosty mid-morning.

Matt's waiting at the door when he pulls into the brownstone's driveway. Matt swings his long, hard legs into the passenger seat.
"Morning Jonathan, get your paper OK?"
"Yes but it was the last one. I was lucky."
Jonathan pulls the car onto Bridgeway Drive. Another five minutes and they'd be at Dumbo's Diner.
"Got any George Canyon on that thing?- says Matt as he looks at the CD in the dash.
"Sure. You've got a thing for big cowboys- haven't you." Jonathan chuckles.
"You know John, I believe it's those sexy cowboy hats on big, sturdy frames that sets me off!" Matt slaps Jonathan's thighs and laughs." Mr. Canyon is all that and more!"
"Tramp." says Jonathan.
"Slut". Matt replies.
"Cock-chaser!"- adds Jonathan.
Matt just laughs again and turn up George on the Mazda's speakers.

Five minutes later Jonathan wheels the Mazda into the parking lot at Dumbo's where he pulls into a spot practically at the front door.
"Looks dark in there."-says Matt.
Jonathan slams the steering wheel with his big hands. "Oh shit. Look. Signs says closed for renovations!"

The End.

ROBBLOG #568

It’s the world of the future today!

I think they used to say that about microwaves 30 years ago or maybe it was the Contempra Phone.

Over the holidays we’ve made electronic purchases that indeed seem futuristic.First of all, my Husband Tom wanted an iPad 3. Please note we don’t usually venture out into Boxing Day crows, however, he need this so badly and it was on sale.
He has the iPhone and a laptop- which is not an “I” anything, yet still he firmly claimed-

“I want an iPad Three!”

Who was I to argue?

I had an iPad once. It confused me and I sold it at a great loss of revenue to a friend. I just couldn’t understand it. That’s why I am an Android/Samsung guy all the way. I’m not sure what this latest iPad does but he’s been showing me all these on-screen things since he powered it up.

Boys and their toys! 

Next, a day or so before Christmas I saw a product advertised in both the WalMart and Target flyer as well as Future Shop. It is a marvelous little piece of electronic wizardry called Chromecast.

It is really just a dongle.

No, not that kind of dongle, although this one was firm- being made of hard plastic. To backtrack some, a year ago we had bought 100 feet of LAN line trying to send movies and TV shows we watched on our PC to our Big Screen TV. We could get the video part to work but the audio didn’t, so, we shelved the idea and all that blue cord has been taking up space on a shelf in the garage. Now, along comes a dongle called Chromecast. We fellas all have names for our dongles, this one just happens to be Chromecast. I don’t suppose Big Boy, Harry the Horse  or Hercules would have worked- marketing-wise, for Google. 

For $29.99 this Chromcast dongle by Google works like a charm and it take minutes to install. It’s all wireless and works from the WiFi signal in your home. Just plug the Chromecast dongle into the HDMI plug on your TV. Download Google Chrome on your PC or mobile phone. Next, search for Chromecast. It takes a minute or two to load. The instructions in video form are on the site.

Easy-Peasy. 

In a short time we were watching Season 5 of Downton Abbey from a website called Couchtuner. We even watched the 2 hour Christmas Special. Both picture and sound are excellent and all for $29.99!

What a bargain for  a piece of the future. I love it when something is reasonably priced and works like a charm. I can even send videos and such from my Samsung Phone to the TV screen.

Totally magic! 

Finally, a day or so ago I was reading a newspaper online when I noticed an ad on the page for something called a Navdy. See online ads do work! (A hint for businesses who listen to Swisssh or Starlite or go to the Swisssh homepage ww.swisssh.ca) I watched the video. This small device- about the size of a small DVD player, sits on your vehicle’s dashboard right in front of the driver. When in use, it projects a screen in front of you onto the windshield. It appears the image is about 6 feet in front of your car. The transparent screen shows you speed and GPS. One can also answer calls from a mobile phone with the sweep of a finger and both read and reply to texts- by voice. It even shows your current position which in turn you can text to whomever.

 

I showed Tom and even he was impressed. Some top of the line vehicles have a system such as this built in but this Navdy has to be installed and is priced at about 360 bucks CDN if you pre-order.

We did.

We ordered on for each vehicle.

They’ll be shipped in early 2015.

I am excited about this. It means hands free calling and you don’t have to take your eyes off the road to use it because the screen is right there in your line of vision on the windshield. You give the device the finger and it performs for you! Hmmm. Sounds like the 80’s but I digress.

It’s the future indeed in 2015! 

The iPad 3 and the Chromecast are operating as they should. I’ll let you know about the Navdy when it comes. In the meantime check out the video for yourself. It’s well done and amusing as well as informational. 

http://youtu.be/pKL4PJICS40