ROBBLOG #411

I must be an idiot!

Don’t concur.

Let me explain- or vent.

If you don’t want to read my vent, just click this RobBlog off and go read your horoscope.

I am about to vent about me- and my internet radio stations.

Let me repeat.

I must be an idiot.

I had Swisssh Radio already. It usually chugs merrily along with just a few technical problems here and there. Since updating the programmer that runs the station 24/7, it

has reduced technical problems 99%.

Then there’s Starlite.

I must be an idiot!

Sorry.

I know I’ve stated that fact already.

Starlite can be a little bitch when she wants to be!

I have techy problems with music at times.

The programme that operates the station stops running telling me it can’t find any more songs.

Ridiculous, since there are more than 1000 to choose from.

In the Swisssh Radio Studios in which Starlite shares a small space, there is limited room for equipment. There must be 1000 metres of cable all sprawled on the floor or hanging from the backside of computers.

There are four of them- computers, I mean.

Several keyboards.

An array of mice (Mouse plural??) and a plethora of headsets.

Like I said, space is at a premium.

That’s why on Monday I hooked up this simple system that allows one keyboard and one monitor to operate for two computers.

Therein is the problem.

Today the mouse for the Starlite programme stopped working overnight.

Why?

Beats me!

It was fine yesterday.

Gremlins?

Perhaps.

It causes much grief and stress.

I don’t know what to do. In order to attempt to fix my dilemma, I need to re-boot the Starlite computer throwing Starlite off the air and annoying listeners for about 10 minutes.

Or

I need to find some more space and return to having the computer hooked to its own monitor. The problem is finding space for the keyboard!

I am having a think and I thought maybe writing this down in my blog, I might come to a solution. At the very least some of my stress has been passed along into the great world of “out there somewhere.” That’s where all internet e-mails, blogs and texts end up- eventually.

I repeat.

I am an idiot.

I have enough on my plate already, now I have doubled my pleasure.

Never mind.

Things have a habit of working themselves out.

Stay tuned! www.swisssh.ca

ROBBLOG #410

The things we have been reading lately.

John Travolta propositioning Male Masseuses for sex?

Dinosaurs’ farts made the Dinosaurs extinct?

Possibly…

At the very least scientists are saying their farting caused some global warming back in early times- when the earth was flat and long before Jehovah Witnesses or Scientologists prowled the earth.

Which brings us back to Mr. Travolta? It may have seemed a set up when one young man complained to authorities about John’s advances but then a second and now a third. It seems there’s something “dirty” going on from where I sit.

Of course the first strapping lad has now changed his story. I wonder how much Johnny Boy’s Lawyers had to pay to get the boss out of that one. The other two are still ripe.

Touching him.

Asking to be touched.

A bit of dirty talk.

Would I do John Travolta or give him a warm mano-a-mano release?

Not for the 50 bucks he apparently offered one strongly-handed young man.

Travolta?

You got to be kidding!

How cheap are you?

You have millions. An act like that is worth a lot…and I mean a lot- plus, I would expect a “money” card every year on my birthday and at Christmas.

Now, when talking about pleasuring Mr. Travolta, a much-younger, slimmer version of him comes to mind- not the “Edna Turnblad” pile of fat he has become.

I’m sorry but 50 bucks it wouldn't happen Mr. T.

I suggest visiting a dark alley and stick your whazoo through a hole in the fence and wait and see what happens. Maybe a friendly neighbourhood pervert- or dog might wander by.

No sir!

Don’t think you’re going to be sullying my sheets for a pittance. For you it would be a major investment.

Now look!

I don’t ever remember prostituting myself for money.

I am talking the 80’s.

Nope, I chose my “flings”.

There was nothing dirty going on back then. Just your typical one-night stands.

Now inside this new millennium it would have to be a Hugh Jackman or a Mark Tewkesbury or a Vampire from True Blood propositioning me before I’d spill my goods for next to nothing.

I’d want cash- or a cashier’s cheque or real estate to perform tasks similar to those John Travolta asked for.

Problem is, these days I am a bit of a dinosaur when it comes to that 80’s stuff- although, I am proud to say that flatulence has never been a bodily function I share either in public or in the privacy of my home, I do believe my time for pleasuring handsome men has passed me by.

Like farting into the wind, it just isn’t me…anymore.

ROBBLOG #409

Mother’s Day Huh…

I don’t speak with my Mother these days.

I’m what you would call “estranged”.

No.

Not “strange”- although many people would debate that fact.

No I mean I don’t see my mother nor partake in family events- my side of the family anyway.

I am what you would call estranged from my entire family.

Sad but true.

Thank Goodness Tom’s side of the family is fine with the exception of his Dad. That relationship came to a full stop several years ago at Thanksgiving.

Don’t you just love Holidays and Family?

We say hello on the phone when he calls and I answer or if Tom’s away and he has

To relate something to me- usually regarding his health or a visit to Sunnybrook Hospital in Toronto.

My Family’s problem with me?

I would say it’s because I am Gay and married. I am outspoken and demonstrative.

I am cut from a different cloth.

I march to a different drummer.

I like fine things. They like “things”.

That’s what they think anyway, I am sure of it.

Things have always been uneven with my Mum- especially since Tom and I were married- officially 6 years ago. My Brother never came to our wedding and has never talked about it. He may have seen pictures from my Mum.

The few Family members that did come only consented in the week prior to the event.

The only true “marriage” in my family has only ever been my sister’s and my Mother used to take great delight in bringing it up every year- like it was  National holiday or something.

Tom and I have completed 27 years of our journey.

You would think that would count for something.

There is a history of this whole estranged thing.

My Mother never talked to her one sister for about 40 years. Another sister was seen sparingly- if at all, for a couple of decades too. So, you see there is a pattern of sorts for her behaviour.

I have come to terms with it. I hope she is well. I don’t know. I never hear. The last time I talked with her was on December 22nd 2011. I was trying to confirm plans to take her to Christmas Day breakfast at the Casino as we had done numerous times in the past.

She told me she didn’t have time for me. Her Christmas Schedule was full.

Come January she turned 90.

I got an e-mail from my sister. There was to be a tea.

Too bad.

No one of course checked with me ahead of time.

I couldn’t be there.

Tom and I would be away.

So I sent flowers on our behalf and never heard back.

So I have drawn a line and stepped over.

I have my own life to lead.

I am not a youngster.

I am an almost 61 year old man with a 90 year old Mother who could seemingly care less.

I have resolved myself to that fact. It took more than a year but I am at a happy, good place with it.

I know what you are thinking.

The next time when I see my Mother, I may be looking down at her inside a casket.

That is if my Family even bothers to tell me of her passing.

Therefore, Happy Mother’s Day to my Mum and all Mums.

I hope your “Day” will be happy and you are thankful for what you have and your family is thankful for what they have.

It’s the best any of us can do.

ROBBLOG #408

I just love “witty” repartee!

Someone on Twitter asked PMO Spokesperson- Andrew MacDougall-

“How does it feel to work for the biggest Asshole in Canada?”

Now, MacDougall has just been appointed Mr. Harper’s Director of Communications last month because the other fella threw in the towel. It was either that or going back to be gagged with the damn thing.

He chose “freedom”!

So what did this new guy Andrew MacDougall say?

Well…hee hee…haw haw…OMG this is priceless…

MacDougal counters the “How does it feel to work for the biggest asshole in Canada question” with a similar smart-ass reply.

He said:

“I wouldn’t know. I don’t work for you!”

I

Don’t

Work

For

You!

Haw. Haw.

Classic stuff!

Of course we shouldn’t be surprized. We all know that Mrs. Harper shares a bed with a clown, so humour-filled, over the top comments like this are all sheep shit from the barnyard to most Canadians.

Funny though...

One has to give him that much.

Maybe not exactly the way a PM’s spokesperson should answer a fellow Canadian.

I mean both he and Harper really do work for each and every one of us.

That’s where their salaries and retirement funds come from-

Our pockets.

Always have.

No surprize there.

From Liberals who shaped our country. Gave us our flag.

Allowed us all “Equal rights”.

Gays and Lesbians- Equal marriage.

Yes, from bringing constitution home in Liz’s handbag, all the way to Conservatives who ummm…gave us ….ummmm…took away the penny, we have paid for all of them- even chunky former CTV reporters who now sit in the Senate collecting massive sums and

who will eventually retire on some pretty nice funds all from us as well.

Gosh darn it!

We are nice- aren’t we?

Now the Proud Canadian who fielded the question on Twitter in the first place hasn’t said a smart-ass thing back to MacDougall yet!

Probably just considering his next move.

He has to be careful this time.

All Canada is watching.

It has to be a biggy!

Carefully constructed so as not to fall into the same trap he did the first time.

There can be no zingers that the intended prey can use to his advantage and slap him right back in the kisser!

No the Twitter guy is just taking his time and looking at some possibilities from every angle.

There can be no loopholes this time.

What if he types this to Mr. MacDougall:

“Hey is your refrigerator running?”

MacDougall answers back: “Yes!”

Twitter replies sharply: “Well, ya better go catch it then!”

Hah!

He could get him good with that iron-clad piece of buffoonery.

However, it’s just not up to you and I, I’m afraid.

This top level political stuff is way out of our league.

We’ll just have to sit still and wait this one out- unless you’re out there chasing down a runaway fridge!

ROBBLOG #407

I have had quite the past few weeks.

I have not been well- among other things.
I am still not 100% but I am trying.

A week and a half ago I even had to spend an evening in the Emergency Department at Soldiers’ arriving by ambulance.

Thanks to my friend Heather- and radio co-host for making the decision to call the ambulance and get me taken care of. Everyone at Soldiers’ Memorial Hospital was simply wonderful.

Attentive, sympathetic and re-assuring.

A few days later, I sent them a note via e-mail, telling the hospital how I felt about my experience. That same day, I received an e-mail in return saying “we usually don’t receive many e-mails such as this.”

I was told the emergency department would see my e-mail.

It’s a pity more patients don’t say thank you.

I had been sick the week before and spent two days in bed. I was dizzy, nauseous and generally not feeling well. I managed to rally and was totally surprized when this “thing” caught me totally off-guard one evening.

It was worse than the week before.

It may be my inner ear.

Vertigo.

I don’t know.

Many friends tell me they know someone who has suffered or has been suffering the same symptoms for up to 5 weeks!

Holy Smokes!

Doctor Daniels at emergency never suggest flu, he simply treated my dizziness.

I was on a couple of saline drips with Gravol and another drug Serc-which is new to me.

After a few hours I was able to stand and walk.

I started feeling better again the next day but the dizziness is still there- especially when I first get up in the morning

I have to be careful.

So what is it?

Well, I give this miserable feeling one more week to go away or I’ll have to have some tests done. Meniere’s disease is a possibility but I have never been diagnosed with that specifically. My heart is fine and my blood sugar good too.

Things could be worse, so I am staying positive.

This may all vanish in the next few days.

I certainly hope so kids.

In the meantime my yearly chore of painting the verandah has been accomplished- even though I am not feeling 100%. I have my “drugs” with me and I take them when required.

Life goes on…

ROBBLOG #406

It's just another May Morning on Bleeker Street. I wonder what Blanche and Jane are up to on this bright, sunny start to a beautiful day. Let's join them...

Blanche: Jane Dear, what in Heaven’s name are you looking at through that window pane. You’ve been standing there for 30 minutes!

Jane: Nuthin.

Blanche: Oh come now. One doesn’t stand at a window looking out at nothing. What is it?

Jane: Oh ~puff, puff~ Gall Darn it Blanche! Can’t a lady just look out a window and not be given the third degree? ~drag, puff, drag~

Blanche: Jane Dear. I am not giving you the third degree. I am simply asking what has piqued your interest on the other side of that window.

Jane:…and I said nuthin! ~puffy, puffy, puff~

Blanche: Well Jane if I could just get out of this chair, I’d stand right there next to you and have a look for myself.

Jane: But you can’t Blanche. You can’t. So there! ~pllllabbbbbbaaaabb. puff, puff~

Blanche: Jane Darling… Now that was exceedingly cruel tongue for first thing in the morning.

Jane: Oh for ****s sake. All right already! I am just looking at Bobby Brook’s tight little ass. See? He’s bending over weeding Mrs. Phipps front gardens!

Blanche wheels over and hoists her body up from the chair’s seat just enough to look out the window.

There are you satisfied Blanche?''

Blanche: You mean you’ve spent all that time oogling a boy across the street. Why you need a hobby Sister Dear.

Jane: ~puff, puff~ I have a f****** hobby. Can’t you see I’m standing here a-lookin’ at Bobby Brooks’ ass cheeks in tight blue denim?

Blanche: Oh girl, you can be so cheap when you want to be. C’mon now Jane…I’ll fix you a nice hot bowl of oatmeal.

Jane: ~puff, drag, puff~ I’d like to fix you too. Fix you by pushing you down the cellar stairs! Ha! Ha! ~drag~puff~

Blanche: Oh Jane Dear. Sometimes, you slay me!

ROBBLOG #405

More fun with Biblical Facts

This is the third in the current series. Will there be more?
Who knows? There's a wealth of situations here.
Enjoy... my faithful flock.

A story of the "Beginning" of time- or at least a 5000 years ago.
Genesis 4:
"So Cain went out from the Lord's presence and lived in the land of Nod, east of Eden.
Cain made love to his wife, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Enoch"

To bring you up to speed.
The Supreme Being made Adam.
Adam got tired of being alone and you know what young men do to themselves when they are alone?
Don't you?
That's why Kleenex was invented.
~ahem~
So God made Adam sleep one afternoon and while Adam slept, God yanked
~Wait for it~
- a rib from his side.
He blew on it and low and behold Eve appeared like an act on the semi-finals of Canada's Got Talent.
Now, eventually Adam and Eve performed coitus and had Cain and Able. Coitus?
No it's not the dinner show at the Holiday Inn.
It's a sexual union between a male and a female involving insertion of the penis into the vagina.
Yech!

From the last lesson you should be familiar with the "coitus" that Lot's daughters had with their "old man" while he slept in a drunken stupor.

And it came to pass...Cain got pissed off one day and killed Abel his brother.
Now, so far I count 4 humans on earth.
Then minus one with Abel's death so, we stand at three.
After all God's focus was on this "creation" of Adam and Eve.
Now it was God's turn to be pissed. Cain went away to the Land of Nod.
There's no mention who lived in Nod.
Maybe Adam and Steve?
Still 4 minus one and counting.
All of a sudden Cain finds a woman in the Land of Nod and has his way with her and has a son or two.
Care to explain that one Lucy?
Did he have sex with his sister- or his mother Eve?
Did he have a sister?
I dunno.
As usual with the Holy Book, one has to make up a lot and just go with the flow- a lot.

A Recipe for Stone Soup
This one's a bit involved.
Deuteronomy 22:13-21
"If a man takes a wife and, after lying with her, dislikes her and slanders her and gives her a bad name, saying, "I married this woman, but when I approached her, I did not find proof of her virginity," then the girl's father and mother shall bring proof that she was a virgin to the town elders at the gate.... If, however, the charge is true and no proof of the girl's virginity can be found, she shall be brought to the door of her father's house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death."
Okay.

A man marries a women.
On the wedding night he believes that some other man has been "unto" her. That means hubbie suspects she's not a maiden. So the wife's Mum and Dad have to prove she is still a maiden.
If the hubbie was lying- being a false prophet if you will, he get's stoned.
If the wife turns out to be un-virgin like, Maw and Paw drag her to the city gates to be stoned by the menfolk in town.
Large Rocks 3 shekels . Medium 2 shekels or 4 rocks for 5shekels.
Such a deal!

In additon but a totally different scenario:
Deuteronomy 22:22
"If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die"
So a man fools around with another man's wife. That man and the wife also get hauled off to the city gates to be stoned.
What fun!
These days, the city gates would be a crowded place to be- wouldn't you agree?

Judges 21: 7-23
Look this one up yourself. It's too long to reprint her.
The story?
It's kind of like a frat house party only with way more blood.
A bunch of guys decide to kill 400 virgins.
Poor virgins.
It's always the poor virgins.
Fellas are shoving their dicks every which way but loose and the virgins still pay the price.
Anyway, all these chaps get together and slaughter 400 virgins.
They are proud of the deed they did.

A week or so later, they realize that since they killed all the virgins, there have no women to take as their wives.
Such a conundrum.
So, they rush off to the neighbouring county where all the single girls are dancing and having a party on this particular night. The guys hide in the bullrushes or cornfields and when the gals are dancing round the fire-pit, they nab one for each of themselves and cart the gals back home and marry them.
Ahhh.
A happy ending.

How they could tell in the dark the ladies were still vrigins is beyond me. If perchance the ladies were not virgins, please refer to Deuteronomy 22: 13-21 above.

Has anyone heard these stories in Sunday School or from the pulpit?
I thought not.

How to get a Free Ticket into Heaven
Timothy 2:15
"But she will be delivered through childbearing, if she continues in faith and love and holiness with self-control:
Basically, a women has a baby and gets a free ticket into Heaven. Now the verse prior to this one mentions Eve and of course the fact she deceived Adam. That's the whole snake and the apple thing.
Poor Eve. They just can't let her forget that little deception. It's not like she scratched the side of his 57 Chevy or something!

Oh yes in this same area of Timothy- a few verses above, there are some pretty stern rules for the
ladies to follow. You can see how women in a political party or holding a position of authority rubs the Harperites the wrong way.
These words are so clear, I don't have to tell you what they mean.
C'mon ladies. Pull up your socks and get with the tour.
The tour that ends in Heaven.
Timothy 2: 11
"A woman must learn quietly with all submissiveness. But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man.
She must remain quiet."
Whaaat? You say?
I know but them's the facts M'am.

I mean this is God's word not something the Liberals are throwing at you willy-nilly.
Now, I know you fellas may feel a little sad knowing that just because you have a penis and not a vagina you can't have a baby and go directly to the Pearly Gates.
Now, don't be sad.
There is another way. It's a lot like Monopoly.

Mathew 19:29
"And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life."
What does this mean?
Just give up everything- your house, property, family, money and your Gordon Lightfoot 8 Track tapes and you'll slide into Heaven homefree and richer too. A hundred times richer if one believes the verse.
Hmmm. Wonder if there are Joe Fresh stores in Heaven?

So everyone smile.
Death is looking better all the time...unless of course your a non-virgin.
That just means Hell is waiting for you with open arms.