ROBBLOG#593

Dear Reader,

 

I blame what you are about to read on a normal childhood. If I had of had a super normal childhood, you would probably be reading a nice little story about a beaver who built his house in a nice little pond and had many other nice beavers over for afternoon tea. Alas, this is not to be...

 

Princess Redcinderwhite lived in a picturesque little shanty town in the shadow of Toenail Mountain. People said she was a pretty young thing with flowing blonde hair, fair skin and buck teeth. Ed- as the townsfolk called her, had a huge pair of buhzonkas that stretched her white, cotton, tee shirt to its limit. 

 

Most days Princess Ed would take a stroll to sit beneath her favourite tree at the base of Toenail Mountain. Most of those days as she passed by the local Tim Hortons- which the local Prince and his Cronies frequented, she would hear him call out to her-

“Hey Redcinderwhite...what fine, big boobies you have there. I’d like to get me a mouthful of both of them!” 

Most days Ed would let the Prince’s comment go in one ear and out the other but on one particularly sunny day, she happened to be walking along the street with the local Priest-

Father Loveme Demalter Bois.

Father Demalter Bois was a Brazilian Priest who kept his figure lean and mean beneath his cassock by walking up and down Toenail Mountain. The exercise had paid off. Father Demalter Bois looked good!

No really.

He looked really good.

You know. Gay good! 

 

 

As Ed and the Father strolled by Tim Horton’s, the Prince and his flunkies began to call out to her- as was usually the case, saying stuff like-

“Hey Ed, what fine, big, beautiful, jiggly boobies you have. How about a gander at them!”

Or-

“Gee I’d like to bury something big and stiff between ‘em!”  

Ed was embarrassed at these crude comments, seeing that Father Demalter Bois was walking along beside her. She stopped in her tracks and walked towards the Prince leaving Father Love Demalter Bois standing alone on the sidewalk right in front of the Tim’s. She strode right up to the Prince and kicked him squarely in the nuts.The Prince dropped to the ground and rolled in what seemed to be tear-producing, uncomfortable pain.

“Fuck!”- he yelled!!

 “Whaddah ya hafta go and do that for you crazy piece of big booby turd?” 

Ed looked back at a rather embarrassed yet lean and mean Father Bois for just a second, then turned and cracked the Prince a good one in his nutsack once more. Good think she was wearing her pointy Princess Shoes. It was sure to extract more pain to the Princes ballsack than any pair of open toed sandals would have. 

“Oh Gawd. That hurts!” cried the Prince in certain agony as he rolled back and forth on the ground outside Tim’s. “That really, really hurts you know Ed. Fuck You!” 

“Well Fuck You too Prince! From now on maybe you’ll think twice before you make a comment about my beautiful, big boobies!” 

The Prince- still rolling on the ground in terrific nutpain, managed to look up at the Princess Redcinderwhite and said-

“Too fucking right!” 

Ed smiled a warm, comely, buck-toothed smile and turning back to Father Loveme Demalter Bois, grabbed his arm and continued the stroll towards Toenail Mountain their original destination. 

The End.

ROBBLOG #592

 

I never make resolutions. They're so 60's.

 

I do try to tweak myself a bit as I move throughout a new year but by the time a new year turns into an old year, I would hazard a guess that I am right back where I started from a year ago.

What do I hope for in the future? 

I hope for peace in this world.

Who doesn't?

 

I would hope to win a few million dollars.

Who doesn't.

 

One thing that is certain- this new year and the state of our world offers no guarantees.

Next time I am in Paris, it will be hard not to keep looking behind me and at the faces that pass by me as I walk along the Champs d' Elysee.

 

I would like to keep my health right where it is thank you very much. I would like to continue Bike Riding, Walking, Eating, and enjoying life as I do now- even though it appears I will be turning 65 this July and no, I don't know how that happened!!

One day I am 56 and wham, the next I am in my 65th year.

 

I have been technically retired for a few years and poorer for it. Thank goodness my husband is still working and brings home the doe ray mei to keep us flush with funds- for now.

 

For now?

Well, I am hoping he will retire- maybe this year. Then we can plan our futures through to our last breath on earth.

Fuck that sounds depressing but it's coming sooner rather than later. By that I mean I don't believe I'll be living for another 65 years unless scientists develop a new pill that lets us live as long as Moses and Methuselah.

 

 

Methuselah's wife's name was "Edna".

I am surprized he lived that long. He had a couple of kids and four grandchildren. Seems like he lived a regular life.

Didn't both he and Moses live to be 900, 1000 years old?

Mind you, they didn't have the annual milk calendar pinned to the office wall in their humble houses.

Maybe their years were only 2 months along. That would certainly account for their  reported longevity.

It couldn't have been their health care system. It was non-existent.

 

So here I am along for the ride just like the rest of you. I'm living through the year hoping for the best that life can bring and trying to remember that the last Thursday of the month is Senior's Day at Global Pet Foods and the week before at Rexall.

 

Some of us win at the game of LIFE.

Some of us lose.

 

We all try hard.

 

RobBlog #591

 

Twelve Holiday Wishes

 

 

 

On the first day of the Holidays my one true wish would be:

a lotto win for little old me

 

On the second day of the Holidays my another wish would be 2 million dollars-

from the lotto win for little old me.

 

On the third day of the Holidays another wish would be:

3 French Butlers,

Two Million dollars-

From the lotto wish for little old me.

 

On the fourth day of the Holidays another wish would be:

Four German Bratwurst,

3 French Butlers,

Two Million dollars-

From the lotto wish for little old me.

 

On the fifth day of the Holidays another wish would be:

Five ruby roses,

Four German Bratwurst,

3 French Butlers,

Two Million dollars-

From the lotto wish for little old me.

 

On the sixth day of the Holidays another wish would be:

6 days of sunshine,

Five ruby roses,

Four German Bratwurst,

3 French Butlers,

Two Million dollars-

From the lotto wish for little old me.

 

 

 

On the seventh say of the Holidays another wish would be:

Seven Hawaiian Vacations,

6 days of sunshine,

Five ruby roses,

Four German Bratwurst,

3 French Butlers,

Two Million dollars-

From the lotto wish for little old me.

 

On the eighth day of the Holidays another wish would be:

A homestead in the country,

Seven Hawaiian Vacations,

6 days of sunshine,

Five ruby roses,

Four German Bratwurst,

3 French Butlers,

Two Million dollars-

From the lotto wish for little old me.

 

On the ninth day of the Holidays another wish would be:

Nine Botox treatments,

Peace for every country,

Seven Hawaiian Vacations,

6 days of sunshine,

Five ruby roses,

Four German Bratwurst,

3 French Butlers,

Two Million dollars-

From the lotto wish for little old me.

 

On the tenth day of the Holidays another wish would be:

No bigots in the world,

Nine Botox treatments,

Peace for every country,

Seven Hawaiian Vacations,

6 days of sunshine,

Five ruby roses,

Four German Bratwurst,

3 French Butlers,

Two Million dollars-

From the lotto wish for little old me.

 

On the Eleventh day of the Holidays another wish would be:

Feeding all the hungry,

No bigots in the world,

Nine Botox treatments,

Peace for every country,

Seven Hawaiian Vacations,

6 days of sunshine,

Five ruby roses,

Four German Bratwurst,

3 French Butlers,

Two Million dollars-

From the lotto wish for little old me.

 

 

On the Twelfth day of the Holidays my final wish would be:

For all my wishes to come true.

 

 

ROBBLOG #590

 

Here it is folks. A new conversation with God. I picked up the phone and called God to say hello in advance of the busy Holiday Season.

 

Me: ~ring~

 

Himself: Hello...

 

Me: Hello God. It's Rob!

 

Himself: Well, Well, Well...My stars! And they are MY stars Rob. A little Godly humour there. Good to hear from you. How are things and did you enjoy your trip across the pond to London?

 

Me: Things are great with me and how did you know I was in London?

 

Himself: Oh it's that Omnipresent thing Robbie.

 

Me: Right, you know all and see all. I keep forgetting.

 

Himself: Well it keeps me busy keeping an eye on your folks on my earth.

 

Me: I can imagine. First of all, I guess the big question on everyone's lips God- is why don't you do something about those ISIS folks. I mean they are creating havoc with their killing of innocent people. I mean they throw Gay men off buildings. Stone them to death if they survive to say nothing of the loss of life in Paris a few weeks ago...

 

Himself: Well, Rob. I get asked that a lot and there's no simple answer.

 

Me: What about 40 days ands nights of rain? That worked last time.

 

Himself: Did it? Did it really Rob? A lot of innocents lost their lives. It was a big price to pay to start over. Besides I want to come up with something original. I will say I am trying to push the powers that be in the right direction. I have to be careful though.

 

Me: Why? You're the Father Almighty?

 

Himself: Well, yes with some folks on earth and Klindon 5 but not everyone subscribes to me and my ways.

 

Me: Klindon 5?

 

Himself: Oh yes. I am very, very popular on Klindon 5. Oh for pete's sake, you're probably not familiar with that planet- are you Rob?

 

Me: No. Not at all.

 

Himself: Earth people haven't found it yet but you will. It's right under your noses.

When you do it'll give you another option for a winter getaway besides my favourite place on earth- Hawaii.

 

Me: I love Hawaii too.

 

Himself: I know you do Rob ~smile~. It's a lot like Heaven you know.

 

Me: Really? That's good to know.

 

Himself: Oh yes. Warm and green like most of Heaven. Now listen about those ISIS folks. The time will come when they are put in their place. It won't be easy and it won't be without some of you coming up to me earlier than you should but it will come to pass.

 

Me: Well, that's good to know- I guess.

 

Himself: Trust me Rob. I do look out for you all even though sometimes it may seem I am not around or don't care. As a matter of fact I have my Son working on a couple of things now. The problem is he'd rather be at the beach playing volleyball than doing my work. Kids, eh?

 

Me: Yah. Kids. So listen are you getting excited about the Christmas Season?

 

Himself: Oh yes indeedy do. I love Chistmas! Always have...well for at least the last couple of thousand years or so. Before that December was just another month but being a bit of a Drama Queen...

 

Me: Drama Queen? I am surprized to hear you say that?

 

Himself: You shouldn't be ~laughs~. I am one of the original Queens here in heaven. I mean really Rob, I wear a shift 365 days a year and I wear it well I must say and I love Drama so when I wanted to have a kid I had to do it in a big, big way.

 

Me: Well I must tell you God that the Christmas Story with the Manger and stuff is pretty terrific.

 

Himself: Thanks!

 

Me: Can't say the same for Easter though. I mean that's a barbaric story. I don't believe that was a good choice- if you don't mind me saying so.

 

Himself: No, not at all. It's not for everyone's taste. If I could, I'd redo it but too late for that now. The books out there.

 

 

 

Me: So do you decorate and shop for Christmas in Heaven?

 

Himself: Oh Jesus Rob! Yes. Jesus is still just a kid at Christmas. His Mother Mary- The Queen of Heaven and his Dad- Joseph, still make a big deal out of the Holiday Season. Oh, by the way. Speaking of Dad, I was talking to yours the other day...

 

Me: My Dad?

 

Himself: Yes. Sometimes we go fishing together on Lake Cloud. He's a great fisherman.

 

Me: Yes, he always was...

 

Himself: He sends his love by the way..Rob. Rob? Are you still there.

 

~pause~

 

Me: ~sigh~ Umm. Yes. Yes of course. I am still here...

 

Himself: Never gets easier- does it? Loss of a loved one I mean.

 

Me: No. It never does.

 

Himself: Wish I could come up with something besides death. It is on my list of things to do. Anyway, we are all ramped up for Christmas. Hey Rob, I have a solo this year at the Christmas Eve service at St. Me's Church.

 

Me: St. Me's?

 

Himself: Well it's the best I could come up with. I get to sing O Holy Night. It's a personal Favourite.

 

Me: I'll bet.

 

Himself: Well look Rob, I have to go decorate a tree over at Mary and Joseph's. It's kind of a yearly family thing. I put on the lights and Jeez adds the balls. Mary does the garland and Joseph makes the drinks. Hah Hah!

 

Me: Sounds like fun!

 

Himself: It is! Have a great Christmas Rob and we'll talk again soon. Merry Christmas.

 

Me: Same to you God. Bye for now and Happy Holidays!

 

ROBBLOG #589

 

The Holiday Season has officially started for me.

Fah Lah Lah Lah Lah

Lah Lah Lah Lah

 

Swisssh and Starlite Radio went all Christmas at noon today. I've loaded more than 100 new Christmas songs on Swisssh. Not quite as many on Starlite.

Outdoor decorations went up in the warm weather last week.

I had worked on the Christmas Swisssh Website page a few days ago and uploaded that Thursday Night in advance of November 20th. Facebook all changed to reflect the Christmas Season as well.

I threw decorations on two slim indoor trees today. Took about an hour.

Still our family room tree to be decorated. Lots of time for that. Now you're up to date with my Christmas decorating.

 

 

 

Oh, I tried to watch the movie "Elf" tonight.

What a piece of shit.

Moving on...

 

Terrible tragedy those killings in Paris last week. We are looking at going to Europe for a few days.

We were thinking of Paris and then to London on the Eurostar through the Chunnel. We did that two years back. However, with Paris climbing out of the ashes of terror, Munich and the Christmas Market could be the ticket.

 

Mainz Christmas Market

 

 

I love the German Markets. They are more "old" world Christmas than the market in London's Hyde Park which features a huge midway too.

Paris is all white and blue. Very pristine and beautiful to be sure right on the Champs Elysees at the Place de la Concorde end- but very expensive too.

I would expect the Holiday spirit feels rather "dampened" this year in Paris but on the other hand, Parisiennes are robust and love life, so they move along. They love their outdoor cafes, their café and their art and culture and nobody will take that from them.

 

I would like to go to the Toronto Christmas Market in December in the Distillery District. It is truly worth the drive especially as it grows closer to Christmas Day. Holiday things to buy from the little "huts". Lots of places to sit and eat, enjoy an adult beverage of just a coffee or hot chocolate. I bought a couple of Christmas Decorations in a quaint little shop three years ago. The façade of the shop is below. Really Christmassy inside.

 

Toronto Christmas Market in Distillery District

 

 

That's one of the greatest things about the Christmas Season. So many things to do and see and buy it's impossible to see or do everything and that is one of the charms of the hustle bustle of this Holiday Season.

 

Enjoy!

 

ROBBLOG #588

 

Hello November.

 

How the Hell did we get here so fast? It was September just yesterday- wasn't it?

 

Now, I must say "spoiler" alert if you are Sue Dosso! During our Theatre Orillia production of Oscar Wilde's "The Importance of Being Earnest" Sue said that everything Christmas should wait until at least post Remembrance Day. You know Holiday Music, Holiday talk- etc. So Sue, I am talking below about Christmas Trees- so beware. You have been warned as well as anyone else who becomes perturbed when the word Christmas is mentioned far too early.

 

Here I am with the Hallowe'en stuff freshly stashed away, about to talk about Christmas- specifically Artificial Christmas Trees.

 

I have been routing around in the loft of our garage looking for stuff- including Christmas décor, that can be sent to Goodwill.  I already have a small pile of clothing and odds and sods packed in see- through bags and stacked in the workshop. I started to shift some Christmas boxes around just to see what else I can find.

 

Among my discoveries- A big box of gold balls. Assorted, empty Christmas Boxes. A wreath or two. Some candles and several artificial Christmas trees in boxes. I haven't used two of the trees for several years, so I hauled them down the stairs to see what condition they were in. A few years back I bought two slim line trees in place of these fuller trees. The slim line trees take up less space inside the house and when you hang ornaments on them they tend to look more full and lush.

 

I set up both trees on the back deck to see which one looked best, then I called Tom out to give me his "tree" opinion. Almost like choosing a tree from a tree lot.

One tree- A Victorian Pine which was pre-lit, cost us more than a hundred bucks. The other, I remember buying a few years back at the Old Wal*Mart store in Orillia before the huge Supercentre was built. It was a couple of weeks after Christmas Day. The tree was priced at ten dollars. I couldn't pass up a bargain. The more expensive Victorian Pine lasted a couple of years and then the pre-lit lights went flop bop.

 

 

 

A lesson here. Beware of pre-lit trees.

I have one in a pot that I use on the front verandah that was purchased at Costco. It stopped working after one season. Same thing happened with this tree. In both cases I ripped the lights off and threw them away. I re-strung lights on the potted tree but left the other one bare.

 

So, there I stood with Tom on the deck outside the garage, reviewing both trees and deciding which one looked best. The 10 dollar tree won! Tom suggested the 10 dollar tree had a bit more space between the branches allowing for decorations to hang unobstructed.

I agreed.

 

I think I'll use the other tree on the front verandah and cover it with blue and white LED lights. It would be a change from the white mini-lights adorning a pair of white,wire-frame reindeer that I usually place there.

 

The other tree will be used in our Keeping Room and I'll string it with LED lights in assorted colours Those lights I bought post Christmas up at Zehr's 5 or 6 years ago. I remember they were a 99 cents a box. I mean, who could pass up such a bargain? Each string has 25 coloured lights. They are still in their original boxes. Never been opened!

 

My next chore will be to hose down both trees to remove some dust that has gathered on their branches. I am hoping the forecast for sunny, mild days will hold true.

 

Now, I don't intend to decorate these trees up anytime soon- although I usually put my outdoor decorations up on a mild, mid-November afternoon. It's better than freezing fingertips off towards the end of the month.

 

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, that is how I am lighting up my life during what can be the dull, horrid, overcast month of November.

ROBBLOG #587

 

Haven't visited Bleeker Street in a while, so here we go! R*

 

On Bleeker Street

 

A Sunny afternoon now. There had been some drizzle in the morning but the skies have cleared. It's about 2:30 in the afternoon. Blanche is reading a Jacqueline Suzanne novel in the front room. Jane comes in from the kitchen.

 

 

 

Jane: Goddamn tins! Howz anyone supposed to open a goddamn tin these days?

 

Blanche: Jane! Such language Dear. One would think we lived in the slums listening to you.

 

Jane: Oh ~puff ~puff~ Just F*&^ off Jane or I'll call a taxi and dump you down in the slums  your *&^*&^ chair and you. Maybe I'd finally get some piece and quiet and men- like Mr. Sporati, would start to visit a little more often.

 

Blanche: Oh you slay me Jane!

 

Jane: Oh, if it were only legal! ~puff,puff~

 

Blanche: What's up with the tin Jane Dear. I just bought a new can opener a week ago after you complained.

 

Jane: Oh F**K. It's those little tabby things on the can of nuts. I pulled it and the F***ing thing ripped right off. I'm gonna call the G D company and complain fiercely!

 

Blanche: Now Jane Darling, one gets more flies with honey than with vinegar.

 

Jane: I'm not looking for any frigging flies. I want to eat a nut! ~puff, puff~

 

Blanche: glancing out the window Oh look Jane someone's moving into the Henderson place across the road. I wonder who?

 

Jane: I hope they're like us...~puff, drag puff~

 

Blanche: Whatever do you mean Jane Dear?

 

Jane: Like us Blanche. You know, not one of those kerchief wearing  foreigners.

 

Blanche : Now Jane, that sounds a little racist Dear. Can't people wear what they like on their heads.

What possible difference can it make to you?

 

Jane: Look Sister Dear ~puff~ if they wanna live in this country, they gotta look and act like us!

 

Blanche: Oh Heaven forbid that Jane. That sounds racist and irreligious to me. What if someone was born here and chooses to wear a headscarf for personal reasons.

 

Jane: Ya, well what if everyone plastered mentholatum all over their tits like you do every night!

 

Blanche: Apples and Oranges Jane Dear.

 

Jane: Stink and stink I call it.

 

Blanche: Oh Jane, go and make us a pot of tea.

 

Jane: Fine! I'll go wrap a tablecloth around my head too!! ~puff, puff~ But don't ask me for nuts. That store is closed!

 

Blanche: Oh Jane hah-hah