ROBBLOG #491

I would like to personally thank all those folks who didn’t or couldn’t make our Garage Door Players’ Show- Sadie Flynn Comes to Big Oak. It means those are ticket sales yet to come once we hit the boards at the Gravenhurst Opera House.

 

The show that played May 30 to June 2 was a big deal for me/us.

It was the 10^th Anniversary of  The Garage Door Players.

It was a celebration.

 

It couldn’t have been the ticket prices that kept some folks away- could it? There were several 2 for 1 specials offered where tickets could have been grabbed up at 2 for $20. Anyone who was in or involved in a Garage Door Players Show had the chance of complimentary tickets. I was offering tickets to those who said they couldn’t afford them or those that helped us produce the show in any way. Still many good people said “no thanks”- we’ll buy our tickets. Presenting a show always costs money. I am the “Queen” of producing shows on a shoestring budget!

Believe me.

Paying for a ticket is appreciated!

 

Still, we filled up 4 out of 5 “Sadie” shows.

 

I must say that we do get great assistance from other theatre companies. Susan Canfield is always ready to help us with a prop or two. As for the costume department, Phyllis Johnson and Bev Totten lend us a hand- or costume, when we need it. It just so happened that both Phyllis and Bev were in the “Orillia Sadie” production.

 

Many theatre companies borrow or lend stuff.  Theatre by the Bay lent us the diner counter- which was constructed by Tim Webb. Tim even painted us the “Millie’s” sign which will appear in the Gravenhurst show as well.

 

Contra ads were exchanged between South Simcoe Theatre and Double R Productions. Comps were given. We make the trek to Cookstown on a regular basis to support their actors and their shows, so it’s great to pat their theatrical backs and they pat ours in return.

 

Can’t say enough about June and staff at Flowers by June. June was our “Box Office” location and she was a tremendous help. She also did all the flowers and plants for us at the show.

What a gal. Flower Power to the “nth” degree!

 

Many people just get busy I guess and have no time for “live” theatre.

Even so, we still did okay.

 

 

 

Over at Culture and Heritage (oops, there is no Heritage any more just Parks, Rec and Culture) Darcy Hoover came through for us. They gave us a cheque to be a “Major Show Sponsor”. Of that, I am totally grateful.

“They like us! They really do like us!”

…That’s my Sally Field impersonation!

 

I am sure they spend oodles more on gas for the lawn mowers that keep our parks looking so pristine week after week- but it’s the thought that counts and we thank Darcy for leading the pack on that one.

 

Even the good old Orillia Opera House hung up one of our show posters.

Mayor Orsi sent a note of congratulation. Garfield too, who continuously gets mistaken for Hank. Just has one of those faces as Orson Hubble would say.

 

If you missed our Orillia shows, not to worry, you folks can all redeem yourselves by coming to the Gravenhurst Opera House in August to see Sadie Flynn Comes to Big Oak on the Opera House Stage. We are actually part of the summer theatre season there- a feat which would be impossible to accomplish staying here at home. The gals all change. Janet-Lynne Durnford, Pru Donaldson and Andrea Lee-Burnet take over the roles of Sadie, Bev and Rachel. The boys in the cast- Jim and I, remain the same. Some of the staging will change, so if you saw the show at the Stubley see it again in August.

There is one negative however.

The seats cost more in Gravenhurst being a “real” theatre. It’s not the floor of the Stubley Auditorium folks where Jesus curiously watches and listens over us- since he’s omnipresent. Just ask Hank about that!

 

Premier Kathleen Wynne was gracious- she sent a congratulatory note which we printed in the programme and she doesn’t even know us! She would have been at one of our shows if it hadn’t been for that pesky NDP brat Andrea Horwath threatening Ontarians with “the sky is falling, the sky is falling” schtick.

Cripes lady. Give it a rest.

 

Even if we couldn’t get an in-person story from Orillia Today this time around, we did just fine. With one reporter covering Orillia, we know that Frank’s time is limited. A picture and small blurb we sent was placed on a page towards the back of the Thursday edition right before the show opened. If you had of blinked you would have missed it or if the pages were stuck together you would have been oblivious to the information. Still, it was appreciated.

 

Information Orillia sent out our posters and special offers whenever we sent them a poster image. Thanks.

 

The Packet came through for us. I even sent an e-mail letter to the publisher- which he never answered, bemoaning the fact that the packet has ½ page, full colour pictures of U.S. Television shows and newsworthy famous American folks and yet locals have to beg for space.

~ahem~

We did get three stories printed.

Yeah!

One from Sara Ross.

Another from John Swartz in his column and in the Packet’s Weekend edition-a full page no less, from John Swartz.

What a guy!

What a paper.

John came and laughed the night away. He even wrote a blurb for our programme.

Nice, eh?

I just wish we had a big budget to repay them in kind.

I mean money “kind”.

 

So, after the show closed- as usual, people stopped us in the street with all manner of excuses as to why they couldn’t or didn’t attend the show. It doesn’t matter folks!

I don’t need to know why.

None of the actors and crew giving a flying fig but excuses ranged from weddings to wedding planning, to going camping to being out-of-town to having to wash one’s hair or car to “I didn’t even know you were doing a show!”

 

All that being said and done- we still did well.

 

We can pay our bills, pay our cast and look forward with “Gay Abandon” to the shows in good old Gravenhurst at the Gravenhurst Opera House.

 

Tickets on sale for Dinner and a Show or show only online at

www.gravenhurstoperahouse.com

or a toll free number also on that site or on the poster you see below this very blog.

 

 

Have a good one.

 

 

 

 

 

ROBBLOG #490

Dame Clare Voyant

Well My Dears, 

having placed myself in semi-retirement from the writing biz, it’s nice to check in with you poorer, gentler folk every now and then. I remain extremely delighted and appreciative that Mr. Reid allows me to avail myself of his space at the slightest whim. He is a good man and a good, hard man is tough to find. At least that’s what my best friend Hedda Lettuce tells me. She and her secretary slash companion Sofonda Cox are quite well skilled in finding good men and she says it’s not always hard. If it isn’t, there’s plenty more whales in the ocean- so she tells me. 

Another summer is here- although someone needs to nudge Mother Nature along. Some days it feels like she’s stuck at the end of April. Nonetheless, I have been busy. Hedda and I took a trip to the Big Smoke recently. We had lunch at Chez Frommage and then took in a matinee performance of The Wizard of Oz. That Dear Mr. Mirvish, always offering me box seats but My Dears, I always but always thank him and purchase mine in the same way you common folks do- at the Box Office. 

The show was superb. I thought Mr. Mike Jackson’s portrayal of The Tin Man was both comical and erotic. So much tin. So little time. I must say a couple of the ensemble lads kept Hedda and I wide-eyed and tittering too- especially that Darling Boy- Sam DiGiuseppe. Such a nice face, a firm dancer’s bum and a chest full of hair that would rival Mr. Hugh Jackson’s hirsute pectorals.

I mean that My Dears.

I really do. 

Toto was Darling and the young Miss Danielle Wade was endearing and always smiling. Why My Dears with all those young lads bouncing about onstage, who wouldn’t be smiling? 

So, what else is rocking my world you ask?

Roger and his husband Xavier are planning a Barbeque to celebrate Canada Day. The invites are out and the boys are waiting to receive RSVP’s. The party had a red theme and ruby red speedos- the colour of Dorothy’s sensible shows, will be the order of the day. There’ll be  Fireworks at dusk- no my Dear I am not talking about the fireworks Mano a Mano, I mean the real thing.

Boom. Kaboom. Bang!

 

 

Hedda and Sofonda are making three kinds of Potato Salad and I plan to whip up a batch of my special Summer Smoothies. Nothing gets a party started like my Summer Smoothies! They are a holiday must! 

Oh. I almost forgot. Roger and Xavier and Hedda and Sofonda and I have rented a cabin in Muskoka for mid-July. I can hardly wait to “summer” like you common folks. Roughing it, you know- in the bush. Drawing water from the lake and other “chores”. Well, actually the water comes through a gold tap- just like here at the Palais but I would expect it is drawn from Lake Muskoka. Not that I have to worry about that My Dears. Darling Daisy my upstairs maid is handling staff planning and we think at this point an even dozen staff should do it.

Well, My Dears, I am slumming after all and someone has to keep watch over the 23 rooms and 8 bathrooms. You know what it’s like living in a cabin- don’t you? 

I ask you My Dears.

Don’t you?

Well, I hear the lunch bell ringing and I’m taking it by the pool today. I not only get to enjoy my egg salad sandwiches on whole wheat but I’ll also enjoy watching Roger and Xavier frolic in the pool. 

Does it get any better My Dears?

I ask you. 

Tah for now!

Maybe we’ll meet each other as we “slum” in the woods in July.

In the meantime, don’t let the Bears bite!

ROBBLOG #489

Holy Moley!

 

Straight guys watch out!

Apparently- Dr. Michael Douglas- who possesses a “cunning” knowledge of lady’s parts, is warning gentlemen if they go “down there” they could get sick.

Who knew?

 

It’s just another reason to rejoice at being a Gay Man.

 

We don’t have to head south to the “fish market”. No, we boys can feel fairly safe stopping by the sausage cart- if it’s been properly disinfected. Now, I’m not saying that the “mayonnaise” is safe to swallow if it’s been in the heat but a quick lick or two is relatively okay.

Of course, playing hide the kielbasa is another story and one needs to wear a rubber raincoat for those occasions.

 

Hetro Men, just be aware that going down there could mean you’ll never be able to hit High C again. Your throat might tighten up, your teeth could fall out and your gums bleed.

There are no scientific studies to prove this but be warned. VuhJJ’s could prove dangerous to your health.

 

Ask any Homosexual Gay Man. We’ve know this for years.

 

In the “Gay World”, foreskin is forewarned.

It’s just that roaming that possibly unchartered territory down under is similar to meeting a bear in the woods- especially if you’re un-armed.

 

 

 

It all seems like a good reason to pitch for the “other” side- doesn’t it?

As you may well know, we’re always looking for new members to the “club”.

There are even perks!

Fun things like…

 

Free toasters for those of us who bring a straight man into the fold.

The opportunity to wear “Better Clothes”.

A headrush of good taste will come your way, plus a six pack- abs not beer.

The opportunity is there- if you have good musculature and a nicely haired chest, to be adored for the rest of your days.

What’s not to like about that?

The best part is all you have to do is have fun. Watch your weight. Be a little “bitchy” a couple of times a month and be tickled pink when fawned over by other guys.

 

 

 

Hey! In the Gay World it’s even OK to wear a jet-black Speedo bathing suit on the beach.

Try walking down Church Street in Toronto on a hot summer day in your tighty blacky while

complimenting that tiny piece of stretch latex with a fabulous pair of midnight noir flip-flops and you’ll be cruised and fawned over till the “Bears” come home.

Boys will whistle and horns will honk!

When you head to the little Gents rooms at your favourite bar, the rest of the guys will follow you for fun and fight for positions at the urinals next to yours.

Maybe you’ll be asked to pose for a photo or two.

I told you the Gay World is fun- didn’t moi!

 

So Faggots, thank your lucky stars that you don’t have to play “Licky with Lucy” when you can be “Slurpy with Sammy”.

 

Throat problems of any kind at any time of the year are less than fun so, hang up your diving gear and keep a stiff upper- or lower as the case may be.

 

Toodles!

 

 

 

 

ROBBLOG #488

Oh Hell’s Bells.

 

What is going on here?

God, where are you in our time of need?

Of wait…

There is no God. We are on our own.

Thank God for that!

 

However, being Godless in this world still doesn’t explain the outright craziness that oozes from some humans. What is wrong with folks? Did you see these stories recently?

 

The Pope performs a “drive-by” Excorcism on a young child.

 

Mayor Rob “Piper” Ford smoking crack and calling Justin Trudeau a “fag” on video?

 

Some right-wing guy blows his head off at the main altar inside Notre Dame in Paris.

 

Yikes!

 

So, the Pope- although the Vatican flatly denies it, stopped alongside his Popemobile

and placed his hands on the side of a young boy’s head, causing the young boy to spurt out a demon or two. Catholic priests are good at placing their hands on the side of young boy’s heads. They’ve been doing that for centuries. Now this particular lad apparently had four of these fellows stuck up inside him.

 

~no, it’s just too easy. I shan’t go for it~

 

A former Pope dispensing with the "hands on" approach and going for the "gusto".

 

Note to readers: Only Catholics have these demons because only Catholics believe in these Catholic demons. You have to be told they are there to believe one has taken residence up inside you, unless of course you’ve seen the movie- “The Exorcist” which basically makes you a Catholic- especially if you’ve watched it several times over the decades or have had a priest take your head in his hands…

 

~no, I can’t say it…ahem~

 

Rob “Piper” Ford- that’s what the homies call him I hear, is now a film star. Not a dirty porno kind of star, no this Mayor stars in an instruction video that shows folks- who are unaccustomed to doing crack, exactly how to light up and enjoy the buzz. The video even allows listeners to hear how they too can make hateful remarks against notable Canadians such as Justin Trudeau while at the same time defiling the Gay community with the lovable term “Fag”. In this instructional video, Rob can be heard discussing the merits of minorities on the high school football team he coaches on City mayoral time.

 

The producers of this film who are waiting for a buyer willing to fork over $200,000 are planning their next production-  a video on how to correctly place a rubber on one’s “John Henry” while one is high as a kite, starring Rob Ford. The production is having start-up problems however, as no cameraman has the guts to step forward and say he or she is willing to film Ford’s wang.

 

The Main Altar in Notre Dame (Photo by Rob Reid)

 

Finally, take a beautiful, world-renowned Cathedral like Notre Dame in Paris, fill it with tourists marvelling at its architecture and historical significance (Joan of Ark was placed on trial in this famous place) and top it off with a right-wing nutball who can’t get his head around Gay Marriage and Gay adoption. This nutball- who goes on to prove that nutballs are good at committing suicide, performs a repulsive act, so repulsive it’s even more repulsive than Gay Sex in a Conservative right-winger’s mind. Instead of asking for someone to explain it to him or talking to a Gay family or two, this nutball sticks to his Catholic Dogma that Gay Marriage will promote the end of times and pulls out a gun. He places this gun in his mouth like a loaded penis, proceeding to blow his brains all over the nice, Catholic carpeting, sending tourists screaming for the exits.

What has been proved?

That “Scotchguarding” a carpet is the right way to go?

No.

He has proved that many people- Christian people, forget about “love, understanding and acceptance” no matter what some hateful, kiss my feet and call me “God” person says.

 

I swear if St. Peter pats him on the back at the Gates of Heaven, and says:

“Good Job Catholic, Right-Winger Guy!” I’ll go on a hunger strike.

I need to lose a few pounds anyway.

 

Crazy stuff?

 

You be the judge.

 

 

 

 

 

ROBBLOG #487

On Bleeker Street with Blanche and Jane

Jane: Holy F%$# Blanche!!
 

Blanche: Now calm down Jane Dear. Whatever is the matter?

 

Jane: The LCBO might go on strike. ~puff-puff~ Where the F%^# will we get our booze?

 

Blanche: Jane, it’s not the end of the world. I am sure the Baptist Bootleggers will have plenty!

Jane: You think so? ~drag~puff~puff~

 

Blanche” ~laughing~ Oh Jane Dear. I guarantee it! Some things never change…

 

Jane: Like?

Blanche: Like right-wing Baptists, booze ~pause~ Oh and their denial of their homosexual tendencies.

 
Jane: What the frick are you saying Sister Dear? Are you calling them right-wingers sinners?
 
Blanche: Oh that would just be a start. They’d like you to believe they’re pure as the driven snow.

Jane: You mean like the Mormons?
 

Blanche: Exactly and a dozen others too.

Jane: ~drag~puff~drag~ Catholics?

Blanche: Yes, them too but the Catholics don’t really consider drinking- and BINGO, sinful.
 
Jane: They don’t?

Blanche: No Jane Dear but just try to tell them they have Gay men in the Priesthood.

Jane: ~puff~puff~ What happens then?

Blanche: Well, all H E Double Hockey Sticks breaks out!

Jane: Thanks for this little talk Blanche. I think I’ll make a few phone calls.

Blanche: Where to- a Baptist Church or the LCBO?

Jane: First to the Liquor Store to see if the strikes just a big fib and then to the Baptists! ~puff~

Blanche: Oh Jane Dear, you crack me up.

Jane: Only if I can find a stick big enough Blanche. 

 

ROBBLOG # 486

A Bunch of Old Folk Bumble their Way Through Sadie Flynn

 

ORILLIA (Staff) A group of age 50 and 60 plus old folks- all claiming to be actors, will throw down their canes and walkers and perform the hilarious Norm Foster Comedy- Sadie Flynn Comes to Big Oak starting May 30th at the Stubley Auditorium at St James in Downtown Orillia. 

 

The Garage Door Players have been entertaining locally for a decade now and although many of the members of this close-knit troupe still claim to be young and vibrant, the proof is in the pudding- or should we say pablum!

 

“It’s the first time such a bunch of old cronies have attempted to keep up the pace and present this engaging comedy” says Director Rob Reid- himself an old fart. “We’ve had some problems with actors dozing off mid-dialogue, excessive flatulence and forgetting rehearsals- stuff like that. However, the most annoying of all is the constant smell of Mentholatum Deep Heat Rub and peppermint losenges that permeates the rehearsal hall’s air.” added Reid. “We open a window from time to time and spray some Airwick around- Lavender scented, yet still the air quality’s a little dubious when an actor or crew member lets one go.” 

 

 

 

 

Reid says that some rehearsals have had to be cancelled mid-way through, due to the gaseous fumes in the room. The Company has been asked not to light matches or rub two sticks together at any time during the rehearsals. “There’s no telling what could happen if there was a spark at the right moment. When you look at the ages here...”- he says with a twinkle in his near-sighted eyes, “You can see the problems of old age and sedentary ways make rehearsing a challenge at times.” 

 

Most playwrights- whose works are performed by all ages, are unified when they say that the theatrical world does not and should not discriminate against old theatrical companies-such as The Garage Door Players, due to age, saggy breasts, trousers hitched high to arm-pit level or flatulence during shows. One playwright’s representative did say that during a comedic piece a perfectly timed fart can add to the frivolity of the evening, although it is quite the opposite of a basket of sweet smelling primroses. Quite the opposite indeed. 

 

Getting so many old people together consistently in one spot has been a trial. Being old herself, Sadie Flynn’s Producer Andrea Lee-Burnet says if audience members squint during the show, the actors will all look like they’re still in their late 20’s or early 30’s. “It’s quite an easy thing to do really- squinting, not to mention closing one’s eyes altogether, since there’s barely a set. A vibrant Imagination will come in quite handy”-claims Lee-Burnet, chuckling madly. 

 

Stage Manager Thomas Ruechel- who’s much older now than when you started reading this article, agrees and says that the difficulty he has doing an "Old Folks" show like this is to keep..um...to keep...“Give me a minute now, the thought will circle back...” says Ruechel.  

 

~time passes~ 

 

"Oh yes! The difficulty is in keeping the stage lighting at a decent level that does not accentuate the actor’s layer-upon-layer of pancake makeup and red lipstick- especially on the men. Sometimes the actors doze off, miss cues or take pee breaks during a scene but we plan to cut those interruptions to a minimum by making sure the cast gets a good rest prior to the show, have younger back-stage personal pushing them on stage at appropriate cues and having a stock of Depends at the ready.” 

 

This group of old codgers take to the stage for evening shows at 8PM (or as soon as they’re ready) May 30 to June 1st and for two Matinees June 1 and 2 at 2ish.

 

Director Reid points out that the Matinees may have a late curtain since many of the actors take a nap about the same time as the curtain goes up. A couple of them become dis-oriented as well and it takes a few minutes to explain the situation. We are going to add Red Bull to the pre-show tea and see if that helps any.”- he adds. 

 

Tickets are $20 and on sale at Flowers by June in the Laclie Street Plaza. Groups of 10 or more get a $5 discount per ticket. Groups should call 705.329.7282 for booking a reservation.

 

ROBBLOG #485

My Hubbie and I have joined the TIE Club.

 

No, we don’t get a new tie every month for two years. It’s a club for ~gulp~ seniors.

Seniors you say?

Yes, these days 55+ is Senior territory.

 

Back in January- when our Producer Andrea Lee-Burnet was looking for rehearsal space for our current Garage Door Players Show “Sadie Flynn Come to Big Oak, she discovered the TIE Club.

TIE stands for The Intelligent Elders. The club is centrally located in Downtown Orillia and is a bright, clean modern facility that charges us minimum rates for use of their space.

 

As rehearsals moved on, our attention was drawn to the activities at the centre including $5 lunches every other Tuesday.

That’s right.

5 Bucks.

 

At our first luncheon, we enjoyed Baked Spaghetti, Salad, Tea and Coffee with Hot Apple Pie topped with a generous scoop of vanilla ice cream for dessert.

 

I don’t know how they do it.

They just do.

Prices are a definite rollback to the 1940’s and 50’s.

 

 

 

As we got talking to those in charge- Judy and Don, we discovered that membership was available for only 10 dollars for a year.

Four cast members joined at the next rehearsal and that’s why we are members of TIE.

I don’t know how involved we’ll get but we are at least intending to be at the 5 dollar lunches.

They’ve also asked the Players to perform a Christmas Show.

We said yes!

 

I must admi,tI do feel a bit out of place there. Tom and I are proud of our 28 years together but we were beaten by one couple at 60 years and another just at the tip of 50. They were friendly folks yet some a bit timid. I supposed they wondered if these newcomers were going to come in and take their club away?

No way!

We appreciate the space and we are using it with respect and much gratitude.

 

A couple of months back I was tempting Tom with photos of South Florida homes in gated parks where prices started at 10 thousand dollars for a modular home with 2 bedrooms and two baths. The communities were all 55+.

He says to me “I don’t want to live in a park with a bunch of old folks!”

I pause and said- “Hunnie, I’m 62 this summer!”

He looked stunned for a moment then smiled.

 

Reality can be a bitch.