Sunday, October 26, 2014


Hold on to your tiaras. She’s back. Here's Dame Clare Voyant.

Dame Clare Voyant
Well, My Dears, this time of year reminds me of door knockers. Ghosts, Goblins and Harper and Fordesque lookalikes scurrying about in the dark. Now Dears, you may not see all the Harper cronies sneaking around in the dark just yet but really they are only in the first stages of filling our minds with thoughts of our 150th Birthday as a nation. My Goodness, those TV adverts with Old Sir John front and centre really tug at the heartstrings- don’t they? 

2015. That’s when they’ll be knocking on our doors and ringing our chimes for real, trying to put poor little Justin in the passenger seat while they strive to drive our country forward. Well, perhaps not forward but more in a neutral gear.
I must say that My Dears.
I really must. 

Demons and zombies may be merrily ring our bells, yet in the days that follow- the latter days, the Jumpin’ Jehosaphats and Moremens will be back trick and treating us once again. Perhaps the Moremens are more pleasurable to talk too and certainly in the case of those latter boys- even though their little minds are filled to the brim with muck and mire, nicer to gaze upon. 

My Dears, I should hold mind-cleansing seminars here at the Palais Royale-just on the outskits of town. Oh, but it wouldn’t be the first time your Royal Dame has saved a soul from the clutches and claws of the demon right. A few years back two such young men came to the Palace doorstep. I was completely taken aback by their Darling little faces- barely shave-worthy, not to mention each was attired in those tight little, coal-black trousers. At first I was hoping the pair of them were selling aluminum siding, however, much to my dismay they each pulled out the Good Book of Moremon from their shoulder manbags and asked if I knew Jesus. 

“How ancient do you think I am Dears?”-I asked, “I’ve seen pictures- reasonable facsimilies at least and heard the stories but no, he hasn’t supped with me at the oak dropleaf in the South Drawing Room”.

I continued…
“For one thing Dears, I absolutely throw up when I see cheap bleached cotton and open-toed sandals- whether sockified or daringly bare. That however, is a story for another day.” 

I continued still.
“No, I have not had the opportunity to know Jesus”- I reconfirmed with the blonde and dark-haired Moremen straddling my front threshold.” 

I must say that my Dears.
I really must. 

I did what any Dame would do. I invited them in out of the cold for hot chocolate and cookies in the kitchen. One juicy topic led to another and before your Royal Dameness knew it, each of the Moremen were blubbering out loud- sobbing actually, as they told me various life stories. One even recalled a recurring dream he had of late concerning Hugh Jackman in a black Speedo or wetsuit or something to that effect. I know he kept mumbling the word “wet” through salty tears.  

Your Dame had triumphed once again. I clutched each young man to my breast and patted their firm backs. I said all would be fine. See My Dears, I should hold seminars here at the Palais and help even more youngsters who are needy, in want and wholesome.  

I must say that My Dears.
I really must. 

Oh Dear, it’s quarter to tea-time and here I sit clickety-clacking away in my lounge pants and the tea bell could jingle at any mo’.

Tah for now My Dears.