Sunday, September 23, 2012


News has surfaced that Jesus Christ may have been Married.
Yet, how sweet!
Just watch the Catholic Church rip this one to shreds.
OK. It’s not 50 Shades of Grey and it’s only a tiny sliver of papyrus but already they’re calling it the “Gospel of Jesus’ Wife.”
A small fragment that has set tongues to wagging and Catholic Priest Father Harry to the closest jeweller to buy an engagement ring for Father Ronnie.
So, how about that? Christ was nit-picked and pussy-whipped!
Oh, Good Lord.
Say it isn’t so.
Ah, but it could be.
That piece of papyrus that looks like a Shreddie has theologians and scientists are speculating. Christ may have married Mary. You know- that Magdalene woman. Mind you most women back then were named “Mary”.
I thought he had the “hots” for John or Simon.
In the past, I have read that it would have been unusual for a Jewish man- like Jees, to remain unmarried. Maw and Paw would have forced him into it.
Mary- his Mother, might have said-
“I don’t care if you like swimming as nature intended with those other Jewish Boys. You just keep your hands off each other svanstuckers…and find yourself a real girl. Settle down. Have kids. Buy a house in the suburbs. Make a Mother proud!”
So, it may have happened as a sort of cover in his overt operation to tell people he WAS the Messiah and they should follow him.
Homosexuality- although present in “Biblical Times”, was kept on the back burner.
Besides Christ hanging with 12 men in loose clothes for three years, he also spent some time with Lazarus- alone, after he raised him up.
Raised him up from the dead- I mean. Spent 30 days or so alone with old Laz. It says so in the book.
I thought I would compose a little story.
Make a story up- just like the Bible, which will indeed be called “The Gospel of Mrs. Christ”- even though all its verses are contained on a slice of shredded wheat.
The story...
Once upon a time in Galilee, there lived a man called Jesus.
Friends called him Jees.
He was a travelling saleman- of sorts.
Never home.
Always on the road.
His wife back stayed back at the house dusting, mending his sandals and playing bridge with the girls Thursday afternoons.
Oh, she’s go to the occasional stoning but like everything else, rocks were becoming expensive. Not like in the old days when they were three for a shekel. That’s what happens when you let the Coptics control the show.
Occasionally, Jees would slip into a flower shop and send her a bouquet of wildflowers. For the shreddie says:
Verse 3: Mary is worthy of it.
(Now, that verse- so the experts say, could also be translated as Mary is NOT worthy of it. Got to love Biblical translations eh?)
One day while Jees was tromping around the countryside with “the boys” he said-
I think we need a woman’s touch…”
“A woman’s touch?”- One of the Disciples cried, “What about me, I’ll touch you. You always say how much you like my hair and…and… my firm buttocks? Let me touch you Christ.”
Jesus answered. “Yes, Simon, while I do appreciate a pair of firm buttocks….still, maybe it’s time to have Mary come for a visit”
“Mary?”- The boys sang in unison. “Mary? Really?”
“Yes, Mary.”- Christ said with a smile.
Verse 4: My wife…
“Oh well, that’s just great Lord- isn’t it. How are we going to go skinny dipping and bury each other’s appendages in beach sand with a girl present?”- said John.
“Boys! Boys! Quit whining. You sound like a bunch of little Jewish Schoolgirls!”
Christ had a point there.
Verse 5: “She will be able to be my Disciple…”
Mark, the young handsome Disciple chimed in- “Your bloody what? Your Disciple? I thought we were your gang of disciples?”
“Ya!”- says Luke. “What are we chopped liver? Last time I wash and kiss your dusty feet if that women shows up here!”
Jesus answered:
Verse 4: My wife…
“Yes. We’ve all heard that before Jesus. We know she’s your wife but you’re on a trail of discovery here” Luke was clearly agitated.
“That’s not Kosher Luke.” Jesus replied sweetly, “Not a nice thing to say at all!
Verse 6: Let wicked people swell up…
“Oh don’t you preach to me about swelling up Lord.” Luke pointed a tanned finger at Christ. “I’ve curled up close to you during cools nights in Bathsheba. I know all about you and your swellings!”
“Look Boys…”- Jesus attempted to smile and show his love for each and every one of the men standing in front of him. “Look Boys…” He pauses and looks towards Simon.
“Uh, Simon. Put your pants back on, please. That’s a good lad! Look you know why I married Mary…
Verse 7: As for me I dwell with her in order to…
The Disciples answered Jesus before he had a chance to continue-
“We know. To keep your house insurance rates low! What a cop-out!”
“I’m sorry guys.”
Jesus spread his arms wide and encouraged the disciples to suckle to his breast.
I have a duty to Mary too and you all knew that before you joined up for this tour!”
Simon spoke first.
“We know Jees. It’s just so hard because we all love you so and we like touching you and we all love that “mind-fuck thing” you do when you’re talking to the multitudes. It’s just that we want you all to ourselves.”
Christ threw a long, lean arm about Simon and sayeth:
“I guess you’ll just have to get used to sharing me with the world then- and the occasional woman. It doesn’t mean that I love of any of you less or enjoy our “man times” together any less- does it?”
He playfully pulled at Simon’s hair and slapped him on his hard butt.
Then, they all headed down to the Sea for a cool dip in the azure blue waters.