Monday, August 23, 2010


I am either too lazy or just don't have a thing to say (they'll never, ever believe that says Tom!) so just have a look at yesterday's post so help yourself to the archives-

I had lunch at the Casino yesterday.

In between delicious bites, there was a discussion regarding certain jobs where it would not be prudent to arrive late. ~ahem~

A Firefighter.
“Oh Ma’am. I am so sorry that your house burned down. Perhaps if I had of waited until after the fire was safely under control to purchase my large “double-double” at Tim’s instead of stopping by on the way here to fight the fire! I am truly sorry. Do you think you’ll rebuild?”

A Police Officer.
“Now, Mrs Smith, I can understand that you are a little upset with me and some of the boys here but in our defence we sure didn’t think that finishing another chapter of the current selection in our “Book of the Month” club over at the station, would make that much difference. We can see that it has and we are eternally sorry that the house intruder shot your husband in the leg. If it ever happens again, rest-assured we’ll answer the 911 call first and finish the chapter second! Do you think Mr Smith will ever be able to downhill ski again?”

A Pilot.
“Ladies and Gentlemen Captain Jones here. It is unfortunate that so many of you will miss your connecting flights today. I especially would like to apologize to those of you who will have to stay “in transit” at the lounge at London Heathrow for more than 27 hours as you wait for your next connection to Zambubbia in Eastern Africa and your “once in a lifetime conference” on the future of the earth. I realize you will not be able to shower or sleep in a proper bed- and may miss the conference all together. Please accept my deepest regrets. In hindsight, I realize I should have bought my Lotto 649 ticket yesterday and not on my way to the airport this afternoon.”

A Funeral Director.
“My dear Mrs. White. How can I ever make this up to you and your husband- the late Mr. White? I am sure having your husband decomposing in bed right next to you for two nights in a row was a most unpleasant experience. I only wish there had of been someone available from “Caring Ways Funeral Home” to retrieve your husband’s body and place it in the cooler at the morgue. Unfortunately, our annual Funeral Director’s Association had planned this years camping trip over the day when your husband passed so suddenly. We had planned to be back earlier but the fish were biting and, well…You have my deepest condolences concerning our tardiness. If I may? Might I make a tiny suggestion? If this were to happen again between you and a future husband, might I suggest one of you use the couch downstairs until you are able to make the necessary arrangements. I would also like to present to you this 100 dollar gift certificate from Zellers towards the purchase of a pair of new sheets.”

A Surgeon.
“Mr. Brown. Can you hear me? It’s Doctor Black. I know you feel quite drugged up right now and that is most unfortshunate. ~raising his voice~ Mr. Brown, you see, when I knew I would be a tad late, I directed the nurses here in OR to continue injecting you with the anesthetic drug in order to keep the entire lower regionssh of your torso completely numb in preparation for your shurgery this afternoon. I am quite shure you think of me as the “anti-Christ” at thish moment but I assure you it is the drug making you believe that!
~ raising his voice louder and keeping his face within a couple of inches of Mr. Brown~
In future, I will make it shtandard policy to only shoot 9 holes and not 18 in the few hours leading up to a surgery as important as yoursh. You shee Doctor Green – your anaesthesiologist, was thissh close ~demonstrates with his fingers~ to his best handicap ever and we didn’t feel we should russsh him through the final three. Of courshe, the half dozen rounds of  Russian “vodka” shooters could have been saved for another time but taking this all into consideration, I really don’t feel that “drunk” although you may believe I look quite intoxicated. ~ hiccup~ please accept my dearest and sweetest apologies. Now shcalpel pleassh nurse!”

You see, I believe we should all endeavour to be on time. I rest my case.