ROBBLOG #577

Dearest Reader,
          Today I offer you a short story for your amusement and entertainment.

Calvin loved spring.

He loved the warmth of the sun after a very cold winter. He liked to listen to the birds sing. He enjoyed seeing the squirrels scamper around searching for their food.

On one an average Wednesday afternoon around 2 o'clock, Calvin decided to take a stroll through the park. He dressed in a light, green, polyester sweater over a white tee shirt and slipped into a pair of comfortable blue jeans. He laced up his best white running shoes, grabbed his Ray Ban sunglasses from the hall table and hurried out the door.

Calvin loved to walk in the park. He liked to throw coins in the fountain next to the Arbour Restaurant. He liked to see the tulip gardens in full bloom in every colour of the rainbow. Calvin especially liked to sit on his favourite park bench and watch people stroll past.

Not everyone strolled however.
Some jogged past.
Others ran quickly by.
Some were on bicycles, while others whizzed past on roller blades.

Calvin especially loved to see the handsome athletic men saunter by his bench.
Some in shorts.
Some in latex jogging pants
The men Calvin like best were those who passed by his bench wearing only jogging shorts and shoes- no tee shirts. Calvin had a strange fascination for shirtless men. He daydreamed that one would stop by his bench, sit down next to him and make small talk.

On this particular Wednesday afternoon at around 215 a man with solid biceps and sturdy calf muscles did just that.
He sat down next to Calvin wearing only black shorts and white flip flops.
His athletic chest was covered with a healthy patch of dark chest hair.

Calvin's heart skipped a beat. He began to wonder what it would be like taking this handsome, shirtless stranger home with him that afternoon.
His daydream began...

He imagined asking the stranger sitting next to him to accompany him to his home. When there, he'd encourage the athletic man to strip out of his shorts and flip flops. Calvin would then blindfold his visitor and direct him down the basement steps. Once there, he'd tie him up- gently, using belts and various sections of rope. He would delight in watching the man's biceps twist and groan while he tried to set himself free. He'd run his hands all over the stranger's chest and biceps, savouring every moment and muscle he felt.

As his daydream continued- suddenly and without warning, Jesus appeared out of the blue and chastised Calvin for his dirty daydreams. The Lord God then caused a huge maple tree- just to the left of the bench, to snap off at its base and crash to the ground, barely missing Calvin and his handsome bench mate. The bare chested stranger sitting next to him jumped clear of the falling tree and ran away as fast as his muscular legs would take him.

Jesus called the young man back but to no avail. Soon, the well-built stranger was only a dot on the blue horizon. Jesus looked back at Calvin, telling him in no uncertain terms that he would burn in the fires of Hell if he had daydreams about night things again- especially in a public place.

It would be a few months before Calvin would have the nerve to walk to the park again and sit on that bench while having one of his dirty little daydreams.

ROBBLOG #576

I'm just back from Honolulu, Hawaii.

This is where you feel jealous.
Very, very, jealous. Where you say things like-
"must be nice"
"Boy, I'd like to go there."
"Lucky you!"

I simply reply "sucks to be you if you haven't been there before".
I can't tell you how many times I've been to Hawaii. I have simply lost count. I can tell you 30 years ago I met my future husband on a flight to Honolulu and we returned a couple of weeks ago to celebrate those three decades of bliss.

The weather was excellent.
We had a great condo suite overlooking Honolulu Zoo, Kapiolani Park and the Pacific.

We sat on the beach,
We walked a lot.
Had breakfast and dinner out every day.
Watched the Kuhio Day Parade in honour of Prince Kuhio and simply marvelled at the
beautiful Polynesian Paradise that is Hawaii.

It's a long flight. Nine hours or so non-stop from Toronto. Longer if you fly to Vancouver to connect to a Vancouver-Honolulu flight. By the way, the flowers are all out in Vancouver. Here's a photo.

We didn't do a lot. We just enjoyed the warmth and shopped a little for tee shirts and Hawaiian shirt or two as well as some Kona coffee.

We even got to see a TV show being filmed- Hawaii Five-O.
Yup, we just sat on the beach and watched the production company work. The story- from what we could gather, was concerning a trolley bus that was hi-jacked by what appeared to be two Arabic looking fellas. One of the security guards told us that once again McGarrett and Danno save the world. That would be actors Alex O'Loughlin and Scott Caan. Grace Park was there too only we couldn't get a shot of her but here's a shot of Alex and Scott between takes just to the left of that tree.

 

 

We did get to see the stunt doubles of all the actors- even the cars used in the series. Below is the blue Corvette Grace Park- as Kono, drives. The top photo taken from our Lanai also shows the black car that Alex and Scott drive. They were waiting for traffic to be cleared and filming to start. At least three or four takes for each scene. For the many hours over two days that the show filmed I would say it might be two, maybe three minutes of screen time. No wonder productions cost so much.

 

 

So there you have it.

A taste of Honolulu and Waikiki. One never knows what one might find and see there but it's all worth it.

 

Aloha!



ROBBLOG #575

Happy Easter Everyone... and I mean that in the secular, non-religious way.

You know, Easter Bunnies, Easter Eggs, Colourful Easter Baskets. The way Easter was meant to be.
Maybe you buy a new shirt.
A new pair of pants.
A chic little, black, cocktail dress and a huge hat festooned with ribbons and pearls which you proudly wear while strolling down the avenue arm-in-arm with Fred Astaire.
Peeping, yellow Chicks and chocolate and sunny, spring days and more chocolate.

Then, there's the other less popular Easter Story that scares small children and adults half to death for the rest of their lives- when they buy into it.

That other less happy-go-lucky yarn concerns a youngish Jewish man who lives with 12 other men and a Hag called Mary. They skip around the Judean countryside in little more than rough, cottony shift dresses- cinched at the waste with rope, all the while charming all the little old ladies and men by turning water into wine.
THE best party trick of all!

The story turns into a horror show however- like Carrie, with the young Jew nailed up to an tree of sorts by bad men who speak Latin but have indoor plumbing and slaves to cater to their every whim.

A gruesome death follows for the handsome- unmarried Jew. His parents- by the way, are sick about the fact their son is in his early thirties and not married. Even Aunt Sophie asks him every Christmas and Easter- "So, Jesus Christ do you have a girlfriend already?"

Back to the story...

A couple of days pass. The body rots and smells something terrific inside a tomb yet- miraculously, the stone covering the entrance rolls away and the young Jew rises up. He steps outside the tomb into the brilliant morning sunshine, sees his shadow and waits a few more weeks for Judean Spring to come.

Pass the chocolate Easter Eggs please.

ROBBLOG #574

Time for another brief visit with the "Big Guy" upstairs...


Me: Gee, it's been a while God. How have you been?

God: Oh, pretty good Rob. Thanks for asking and it has been a while I must say. Didn't you have a wee talk with my son a while ago?

Me: Yes. It was fun. Quite the kid you've got there.

God: Yes and they grow up fast. You have kids Rob?

Me: No but I thought you'd know that being omnipresent and all.

God: You would think so, eh? It's just hard to keep on top of things and of course, I'm not as young as I used to be. Some days I can't remember a person's name for the life of me.

Me: Oh, I am the same way.Getting older is the pits!

God: Yes Rob, but just look at the reward when life is all done. Oh by the way, your "Earth Mother" says hi. My secretary just passed me a note from her.

Me: Really? How's she doing.

God: Well now Rob, she's fitting in quite well. Almost a full year now but between you and me, she can be stubborn even here in the afterlife.

Me: Really...

God: Oh she's no trouble. She reads a lot and watches her TV.

Me: She always was a reader. So, you have TV in Heaven?

God: Oh yes. All the best channels. Satellite you know.

Me: Of course.

God: I have to confess Rob, we don't pay for the signal.

Me: No?

God: Being God has some advantages. The Angels are great when it comes to technical stuff and somehow they managed to shoot our satellite dish at the one's circling earth and well- Volia! Lisa LaFlamme every night at eleven- central Heaven Time.

Me: So anything else new you'd like to mention?

God: Things are good here. Gardens look amazing. Lots of new Condos being constructed. Yes, Heaven's a busier place these days what with all the killing in the world.

Me: About that. Every thought of coming down and putting an end to it?

God: Oh Rob. Gosh, I wish I could but there'll always be assholes in the world. You folks have to learn how to deal with it. You've made a lot of mistakes over the centuries but I give you hope- and Love.

Me: Thanks for that. Any plans for the future.

God: Yes. I am planning a trip to Molar. That's my vacation planet a few million light years from Heaven. Nice place. Lots of Palm Trees and an ocean. I go there to relax- get away from the phones- and my e-mail. Hey! Did you see Rob I started following you on Twitter?

Me: Yes and I was gobsmacked.

God: Better than being God-Smacked which I am thinking of doing  to all those ISIS folks. I'm afraid they're heading in the wrong direction. I had a meeting last week with their God and we're trying to come up with something, so we'll see.

Me: That would be great. Look God, I have to run. Chiropractor appointment.

God: Yes, I know.

Me: Oh...

God: It's the know all and see all thing.

Me: Right. well nice chatting with you and we'll do it again soon.

God: You bet. All the best Rob.

ROBBLOG #573

If you don't watch medical dramas on TV-like Saving Hope, because of the blood, you may not appreciate my little fable- Rob*

David threw off his bed sheets and dashed to the kitchen to flick the switch on his coffee maker.
He stood looking out the patio doors, scratching his balls and patting his six pack, as the percolator gurgled and sputtered hot coffee into the insulated carafe.

He poured a mug of Arabica and returned to the bedroom pulling on a tee shirt and track pants. He was still barefoot when he opened the man-door into his garage. This was the day of his long-awaited party celebrating nothing. It was just a party. Cocktails and food. A new recipe he was anxious to try.
David was excited. He liked to entertain and this was his chance to show off his culinary talents as well as his new family room furniture and his 80 inch smart TV.

Grabbing a three-step stool he climbed on top, reaching for the extra martini glasses he kept in a box on the top shelf. As he did so, he nudged the axe which was resting on the top shelf next to the glasses. It dropped off the shelf, falling like a lead balloon, slicing his left arm off at the shoulder.
Blood spurted everywhere.
So, thought David laughing to himself, it was going to be one of those days. He climbed down off the step stool and stuffed an old rag that had been lying on the second shelf next to the turpentine, into the gaping hole where his left arm was once attached to his body. Most of the blood stopped gushing down his chest but it has soaked his track pants on coloured his bare feet a deep burgundy red.

Picking up his left arm from the garage floor, he placed it on the bottom shelf next to the windshield washer fluid. He'd deal with that later. He had tonight's party to think about.

David carefully climbed back up on the step stool gripping the shelving unit with his good right arm as he climbed. Once again he reached for the box of Martini glassware on the top shelf- this time with his remaining good hand and arm, pushing the box slowly to the edge of the shelf. He grabbed it and placed it firmly between his right pectoral and bicep.
He started down the three steps.
As he did, the rag he had stuffed in the gaping hole in his left shoulder, caught on the teeth of a wood saw that was hanging- albeit precariously, on a nail on the front of the shelving unit. The rag entangled itself on the teeth of the saw, flinging it off the nail towards David's body, causing it to slice his right arm off just below his tricep muscle.
Oh fuck David thought! Now, just how inconvenient is this. Of all days for this to happen!
He shrugged and picked up his right arm- that had fallen into the blue recycle container, with his teeth.

Yuck. He hated the taste of blood and besides he had just been to the dentist for a teeth cleaning the day before.

He sat himself down on the floor near the garage door, behind his apple-red PT Cruiser. It was a much brighter red than the blood that was pooling on the floor around him. David shimmied out of his track pants and using his left foot- the same foot he used to easily self-manipulate his penis, he stuffed the track pants into the gapping wound on his right shoulder, stopping most of the blood that was draining from his lean, well-muscled body. His blood ran onto the cold cement floor and pooled under the car's tires.

"Damn and blast!"- he cried, kicking the front left PT tire with his right foot.
As he sat there naked from the waste down and without arms, he noticed he was feeling a bit light-headed. He kicked the tire again in frustration. Suddenly, the PT Cruiser began to lurch backwards towards him and the garage door,
Egads and Shit!
David had forgotten to set the emergency brake when he parked the car in the garage the night before!

The Cruiser lumbered towards the door and David who was sitting on his ass in front of it!
In seconds, the tires rolled across both his legs, slicing one off below the kneecap and the other above his upper thigh. David had to admit he was feeling a bit of discomfort but at the same time as he sat there on his hard, athletic asscheeks, he was mad enough to slap his one good thigh with a clenched fist, until he remembered- he didn't have fists anymore. Why hadn't he remembered to set the parking break. He was starting to feel sorry for himself when he remembered his party that evening.

Great he thought, now I'll have to "bum" around for the evening...

ROBBLOG #572

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Cripes it's cold! It's been unrelenting for what?...the past 4 weeks. The good news is...there's no good news. Not a plus side temperature in site through the end of February!

Those Canadians who packed up and left for Florida or Arizona are lucky. Yes getting up in the morning with the temp only about 5c is cool but look at the alternative- minus 41c!! There's also the hope that you might see the high teens of even 20c by afternoon.
I could handle that.

Our friends on Vancouver Island- in Sidney, saw 11c and sunshine yesterday. Today much the same.
I mean- that's bearable. Good for a walk, a bike ride, a roller blade or maybe even a coffee in the brilliant west coast sunshine. Here in Orillia if the temp hits 11c, the boys have their shirts off and it's Speedo weather! I hear you can actually watch the sun set over the Pacific without freezing your knockers off!

Not much you can do in frigid weather. Walking is tough- unless you only go out with just your eyes peeking out. At what temperature do eyeballs freeze? Better wear sun glasses or goggles to be safe. Walking the dogs is a no-go and letting them out to do their business has to be "operation quick sticks"!

Hard to believe it was a green Christmas a few weeks ago. It was too warm to have the fireplace on.

We had a Valentines Dinner at Cedar at the Casino. The breeze wafting across the Box Office lobby from the entrance was chilly. Hot coffee helped.

So my friends, we have to hunker down for a while yet unless you are able to jet away for a spell. Just one problem, you'll come back to frigidity soon enough.
That almost ruins the time you spend away.

I know this is a short blog but I gotta run.

I have to throw another tree on the fire!

ROBBLOG #571

 

My Niece and her wife are in Cuba.

 

Friends of ours- they just happened to meet while frolicking in the warm Hispanic waters, are also in Cuba. Small world.

 

My Sister and her Husband are somewhere in Florida- since the day after Boxing Day.

 

My Cousins are in the Port Charlotte area on the Gulf Coast. They left in early January and return in April. They now own their own place- after a one month stay to try it out back in November.

 

Tom and I are sitting in the bone-chilling cold of Orillia, Ontario, Canada.

Why?

I dunno. I just asked him that question

He said it was because of our two dogs and two cats and the requirement of a house sitter.

Poor, lame excuse!

This from the fellah who just got back from London's 10 degree Celsius temps.

Not a heat wave but 30+ degrees warmer than here.

 

Earlier in the week he was in Mainz- not far from Frankfurt. Some forsythia blooms were out.

Spring is coming to Europe.

Winter's chill remains here in Canada.

To be fair, on Vancouver Island in both Victoria and Sidney, temps are 10+ too and the sun is shining most days. In a couple of weeks buds will start to burst and tulips and other spring plants will peek their heads above the earth.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

 

 Sidney B.C.

 

Don't believe me?

Got to www.sidney.ca and look at the webcams.

 

I had high hopes that this might be the year he retires and we look at our future. A place away from this damn cold and snow. The year 2015, I know, is not over. I am talking the "seasonal year".

Winter.

~UGH~

 

When it's minus something, I rarely venture outside. Add the feeking unbelievable wind chills we've been experiencing this winter and I turn on both fireplaces and zip up the thermostat and slip into a bare of shorts. I have a vibrant imagination and I believe I can feel the trade winds on my face.

 

The winter-lovers- those bastards, tell me that our green Christmas was but a month ago...

Oh go F*** yourselves.

I say that with all the love in my heart which at -27 is not much.

 

Well, what more can I say?

Nothing!

At least I got it all off my mind...and it is February after all.