Tuesday, January 2, 2018

ROBBLOG #685 Island Misconceptions

Very astute observations where sent to me in an e-mail recently. Most of them do not reflect
the truth about Island Life. I intend to set the record straight with the real story after four months of residency.
The "real" story?
Well, as long as you tell no one...
The ICBC Insurance sucks the big one. Involved. Costly. Stupid. Slow. Did I say stupid?
There are too many examples to give but it did cost us 100 clams (see below for clams explanation) to have an ICBC office employee take a photo with their phone of the VIN number on the dash of our Ford Dutchmen Express.
No...they wouldn't let us take the photo ourselves.
The out-of-province vehicle check is costly and forced us to buy a new vehicle. Yup. The Swissshmobile has gone to a better place- like Saskatchewan. If we had of remained in Ontario, we would have driven her until she couldn't be driven. It would have been prudent and cost-saving driving that 2003 Montana- which was in excellent shape. Even the guys at the
out-of-province vehicle check garage said so.
Yes, there was some rust on her undercarriage maybe but who looks up a lady's undercarriage anyway?
Because of this, it caused us to lose our freekin' minds and shell out many thousand clams for a top-of-the-line new Grand Dodge Caravan. Yes, we use clams on the Island and not Canadian Dollars although they are at par. The clams, I mean.
Our RV-Priscilla, cost us $600 for new registration. Since she has a Ford cab that was "Made in America", there were no daytime running lights on her. BC- which means "Bring Cash", insisted we have those lights and charged us 600 clams for a small computer plug-in that ensures the lights turn on when Priscilla's key is turned.
The wonderful and often talked about- but never praised, BC Hydro- sometimes called The Bring Cash Hydro Company billed us 400 clams just to turn on our power. We could have bypassed the cost if someone had of told us to get a letter from Orillia Power saying we were swell folks.
We didn't.
So they did- charge that is, all on our first bill which was already due on December 11th- 12 days after we took possession of our new home.
One requires snow tires or "All Weather Mud and Snow Tires" if one wishes to legally cross the Malahat in "winter" months to go to Victoria. One can take a chance when crossing with incorrect tires, however, if one causes an accident without these special tires one is thrown off the Malahat
never to be heard from again.

As may be true in other parts of the country, we had a legal counsel here who turned out to be a &^%. It's a long story but it involved an issue with the definition of terms and an additional charge because of the time it took explaining what those words meant here in BC. Again. BC Lawyer- read: "Bring Cash".
If you are a "Senior"- over 65, wanting to take a ferry from the mainland to the Island, you will not be given the "Senior Rate" if you carry an out-of-province licence. It must be BC, so, again- Bring Cash.
If one is looking for pre-seasoned "Stuffing Bread" for a Thanksgiving or Christmas Turkey, do not ask here. They know not of what you speak.
They also do not respond to the words- RV, bungalow, back split or Muskoka Chair.
If one buys coffee beans in a "Great Canadian Stupid Store" (You may call it "superstore") the store does not have a Bean Grinder "in store" like in Ontario. One must spend 75 clams to buy a coffee grinder in order to enjoy one's favourite coffee.
Although we were told that Islanders see snow only very "occasionally" we saw 15 cms of the blasted white stuff last week.
Bull Crap (BC) !!
An Arctic low and El Getcha or some other crappy weather system off the Pacific caused by the Green Party or NDP, joined forces and happily "snowed on our parade" or in this case Palm Tree. I didn't want to come clean about this as in true Island Fashion one stretches the truth about snow.  However, it did stay on the ground and offered us a sort of Ontario-Looking White Christmas.
To say we are not amused is an understatement. We are told that Spring arrives the end of January and we'll be the judge of that!

A lot of Canadians from the East have a couple of misconceptions pertaining to our Island Home.
If an Islander says he lives on Vancouver Island, it does not mean he lives in "Vancouver" the City. Repeatedly correcting the Easterner only leads to further confusion.
Easterners also believe it rains all the time. It does not. In fact Toronto and even palm tree-ridden Miami Beach receive more annual rainfall.
So there.
Some Easterners believe there is a bridge- like the Confederation Bridge that links New Brunswick to PEI, linking this Island to the lower mainland.
There is no bridge to be sure.
It is true that bridges on this Island as well as buildings, roadways and other structures are built to be earthquake ready. Our new home is built to withstand the shock. Of course in the same manner that we will all "kiss" our asses goodbye when Kim Jong In A Jock Strap-The leader of North Korea, shoots a second rate nuclear warhead at us, here on the Island we will also maintain
the tuck and roll position and head to the top of Mount Prevost- when the shaking stops and the big wave comes in from the Pacific.
Finally, to talk of drugs- legal or otherwise, parks have bright yellow needle boxes which they call "sharp object boxes" nailed to trees in order for citizens to stash their used paraphernalia. Indeed the Coquihalla could be named for the huge trucks hauling Coke down the highway from Kamloops to Hope.
As for pot, it appears to be prevalent on this Island and sometimes the haze drifts across
Maple Bay or Cherry Bay from Salt Spring Island where Hippies from the 70's still live wearing Birkenstocks, tye-dye and fringe.
Peace Brother.
All the best for this New Year 2108.