Monday, February 3, 2014


It was a Thursday afternoon, just a little past one-fifteen.
The day was sunny and hot.
There didn’t seem to be a breath of air anywhere- either in Heaven or down on Earth.
God liked it hot.
In fact, on this particular Thursday, he had yet to turn on a fan anywhere in the whole house, so it seemed incredibly hot to those visitors who dropped by- like the scribes who were writing God’s Memoirs or the Lepers who were in the process of being healed.
Yes, leprosy had reared its ugly head in Heaven in recent years and Heaven’s scientists were working hard towards an anti-biotic that would put an end to rotting fingers, toes and penises.
However, the scientists weren’t quite there yet, so as usual, the task to cure Heavenly inhabitants fell into the lap of God the Father Almighty- for the time being.
Still, God liked it hot, much to the chagrin of the Lepers and others.
Not as hot as “Hell-Hot” but still hot.
No, Heaven on this particular Thursday afternoon was nothing like the heat that rose up from the constantly burning fires in the pits of unholy hell but all the same, God liked it pretty warm.
He sat in a comfy chair by an open window that overlooked His garden, reading the afternoon edition of The Daily Heavenly News while sipping on a tall glass of pink lemonade.
Ahhh…God knew that this was the life!
The Holy Land- soon to be created down below on Earth, would have all that dust and camel dung but he knew he would take Heaven every time. God even liked Heaven better than his summer home on the planet Krylord. The idea of a separate planet away from Heaven would eventually be attributed to the teachings of the Mormon Church, that is, once he found a man who would dig up a few golden plates and contrive a story so believable, hundreds of people would follow the charismatic leader across a vast continent to build a church that eventually would be the subject of a smash Broadway Musical.
God was getting a little ahead of himself.
All God really wanted to do was please all the soon-to-be religions that would someday spread across the surface of the Earth. He decided to make the planet Krylord from wool fibre and moisture he had gathered from the catch drain in the floor of his laundry room. Not quite the Fairy Godmother’s “bibbedy-boppedy-booing” and presto there’s a coach for Cinderella- but similar. So, it came to pass that the planet Krylord- about a forty minute flight away on cloud nine, was created on a Wednesday afternoon.
About that same time on this incredibly hot Thursday afternoon, shepherds were shuffling their feet- along with their sheep, down the street past God’s two storey, detached, Craftsmen style-bungalow when God’s eyes suddenly fell from the Daily Guardian onto earth below. God had had a skylight installed in the garden recently, so he was able to see all the way down to Earth and into the Garden of Eden. Prior to this innovation, God had to walk down the street, past the Heavenly Tim Horton’s and peer over the edge of the cliff at the rear of the Tim Horton’s parking lot to gaze down at Earth. The skylight meant God could peer out his window anytime- day or night, keeping an eye on Adam and Eve.
As he looked down through the skylight his eyes landed upon Eve sitting all alone on a mossy-covered stump in the centre of the Garden of Eden.
She seemed perplexed.
She seemed angry.
She seemed both perplexed and angry.
God called down to Eve- “Everything alright Eve?”
Eve was startled at first.
She looked up and saw God gazing down at her. She wrapped an arm across her breasts.
“Oh hi God.”-Eve called back waving with her free arm. “What can I do for you on this delightful- yet warm, Thursday?”
“Oh nothing in particular...”- said God softly.
He paused.
“Everything Okay with you?”- God wasn’t sure if it was any of his business but since he was both the creator of Heaven and Earth He allowed his question to stand.
Eve soon answered.
“Oh …yes…well…things are fine, I guess.”
“Just fine? I would say there’s a problem?”- said God. “Am I right?”
He paused again-
“Say Eve, where’s Adam at?”
“Well, God. That’s just it. He and Steve are over at the swimming hole by the big date palm and they’re skinning dipping!”
God’s hands started to shake a little.
“Are you telling me Eve that Adam and Steve- not Adam and Eve have gone skinny dipping?”
Eve hollered back- “Yes. That and so much more God”- she shook her head- “So. Much. More.”
Now God was perplexed.
He had a picture of Adam and Steve in his mind’s eye. A pair of young, sun-bronzed men getting up to playful hi-jinks only two, naked, sun-bronzed young men could get up to. It was a pretty sight but certainly not the type of situation that Eve wanted to see.
He tried to think of the right thing to say.
You know, like words of comfort for Eve- but he had nothing.
Then, he had a thought. He looked down at Eve and once again spoke to her.
“Yes God, I’m still here. Alone. Sitting on this mossy-covered stump, getting green moss stains all over my ass.”
God smiled and looked down upon Eve- who once again covered her exposed breast. With the most love and understanding he could muster said-
“Sorry, about that! This changes everything. Look, can I get back to you?”
Eve looked up at God and saying not a word, stood up from the mossy-covered stump. She did indeed have green stains all over the cheeks of her ass. God could see that all the way up in Heaven as Eve turned and ran deep into the Garden of Eden.
As she ran, her tits flopped back and forth, slapping and smacking against each other in the hot, sticky, humid air of  a Thursday afternoon.