Wednesday, January 22, 2014


Kalvin Newhard was a nerd who lived in Mega City.
At least, that’s what some of his friends thought him to be.
A big, chunky nerd.
Kalvin didn’t believe he was a nerd.
Kalvin also didn’t think of himself as chunky.
It was probably just the vest sweaters he regularly wore that made his appear that way.
True, Kalvin worked in a little, out-of-the-way bookshop called Printed Dreams but still, Kalvin didn’t feel like a nerd.
However, the complete truth was a matter of fact.
He looked like a nerd although some folks thought Kalvin Newhard looked remarkably similar to Clark Kent.
Kalvin wore big, black-rimmed glasses and his thick, dark hair was brushed back off his forehead and lacquered with Brilliantine.
Lots of Brilliantine.
Kalvin thought Brilliantine on his hair was cool.
Kalvin also thought he looked especially cool in his Brazen Boy underwear he had purchased at Doolie’s Department store, just down the street from Printed Dreams.
Brazen Boy kept him in check.
Held him firm but not too tight.
Tobey Maury, Kalvin’s favourite action hero and actor, had told a talk show host that he wore Brazen Boys- they were very comfortable.
So, Kalvin thought what’s good enough for Tobey is good enough for him.
He felt secure in his underwear choice.
He understood Tobey Maury’s meaning of the word “comfortable”.
Tobey played Actionman in the movies and Kalvin was smitten. Gossip rags rumoured that Tobey Maury was Gay. It didn’t matter to Kalvin, although he had to admit that he did like watching Tobey on screen what with Tobey’s huge biceps and all straining beneath the thin layer of latex covering his skin.
Anyway, just because he wore a superhero suit, that didn’t make Tobey a homosexual.
Much like himself, Kalvin didn’t think Tobey was a Nancy-Boy but the proof was in the pudding or at least in the Brazen Boys underwear.
One day as Kalvin was sorting through several boxes of used books filing them carefully on the appropriate shelves, he had a magnificent idea. Why couldn’t he be an action superhero just like Tobey? Kalvin raced to the research section of the book shop and began to scour through books and periodicals looking for information on how to be a superhero. It was lucky that Tuesdays were slow days in the book trade and hardly anyone came through the book store door that afternoon.
Kalvin made notes and sketched various versions of his superhero self on unlined sheets of foolscap. He was pleased with his etchings but he lacked an action hero name.
He thought about it for many minutes while sipping on a glass of Gatorade, when suddenly- out of nowhere, it came to him.
Beefy Man.
Although his friends thought of him as chunky, Kalvin always considered himself to be a little more beefy than chunky. He knew he had respectable, arm muscles. In fact, he had noticed them bulging that very morning as he removed the lid from a new jar of peanut butter.
Kalvin liked the thought of being Beefy Man.
The more he thought about it the more he liked it.
The more he liked it the more he knew it was the perfect name-
Beefy Man.
It rolled off the tongue and conjured up warm thoughts of a tough, manly fellow who fought for the little guy, erasing crime from the streets of Mega City.
Later that day when the shop was closed, Kalvin went to Doolie’s Department store. He ran excitedly up two flights of stairs to the bath and linen department. There, Kalvin looked for the biggest, reddest bath towel he could find.
Finally, there it was- a beautiful, all-cotton, bright red bath sheet.
Kalvin unfolded the sheet, holding it up in front of him. It fell from his chest to the top of his shiny brown loafers. Kalvin took the bath sheet into the nearby washroom and wrapped it around his neck, tying the ends in a big knot at his throat.
He looked in the mirror.
As fabulous as it appeared, he stood in a quandary, staring at the almost super hero in the mirror.
He knew that something wasn’t quite right.
It must be the sweater vest and his glasses.
Kalvin thought some more while staring at his reflection in the mirror.
It has to be something else.
Of course it was something else!
The towel made a great super hero cape but it was the rest of the clothes he was wearing that was all wrong. Quickly, Kalvin removed the towel from his neck and shoulders and stripped out of his clothing. He stood naked before the bathroom mirror.
He looked at his nakedness.
Not half bad.
A handsome patch of chest hair covered his pectoral muscles.
Kalvin flexed his biceps.
He had an idea.
He tied the bath sheet around his neck once more and made an impromptu pose, like one of the bodybuilders he had seen on the cover of the exercise manuals back at the bookstore.
Kalvin was amazed at how good he looked.
No, not just good.
Even his manly bits seemed pleased.
Truly he was Beefy Man ready to fight crime where it was rampant. One look at his fine, beefy physique and the criminals would high-tail it but fast!
Beefy Man didn’t need earthly bits of cloth and leather to prove who he was.
No, Beefy Man would be born into the world of crime-fighting with nothing but a red bath sheet and his manly physique.
He gathered up his clothing and shoes and dumped them into the waste basket nearby. He ran out the washroom door and rushed to the stairs. His heart was pumping. His penis slapped back and forth against his thighs as he ran down the stairs to the street level.
As fast as he could run, his sturdy legs carried him across the lower level of Doolie’s.
His body felt free.
Unbound. Unleashed. Unfettered.
Customers screamed and hid their eyes from the powerful site as if they weren’t worthy to gaze upon such a remarkable piece of magnificence.
Kalvin was pleased.
Out the door of Doolie’s he ran.
He stood proudly on the sidewalk- naked and oblivious to the many people in the street.
Some yelled.
Some ran away to safety.
The brave ones stood and gazed upon the sight.
Kalvin’s penis had stopped flapping as he flung the red superhero, cape-like bath sheet over his right shoulder.
He stood naked, feet a manly distance apart and placed his large fists on his sturdy hips.
He could feel a warm breeze caressing his bits.
He looked down and realized he was standing on top of a subway grate.
Kalvin didn’t mind, he just pounded his broad chest and yelled out once again-
Beefy Man is here!
Fear not!
…Yes. That sounded good. Very much like an action hero!
Fear Not!! Beefy Man is here at your service- he shouted once again yet much louder than all the previous times.
Kalvin took off running down the street- barefooted and bare-assed.
It felt good.
He was making a difference or rather Beefy Man was making a difference.
Soon crime would no longer run rampant.
About an hour later, as the late afternoon sun was setting behind the downtown buildings, Kalvin Newhard was placed in a police van and driven swiftly away to the Mega City Police Station.
The End.