Friday, July 20, 2012


I was sitting on the verandah the other day when I thought- I haven’t talked to God in a long while.

So, I rung up his personal secretary Michael and asked if the Lord God was busy or did he have time to talk to me for a few minutes.

“Oh Goodness Rob, The Supreme Being always has time for you- someone who tells it like it is. You’re one of his favourite people you know- even though it’s likely you’ll burn in the fires of Hell for an eternity once you pass over!”

“Very Funny Michael, I’m sure.”

“Oh wow. You should have seen your face just then Rob! Hah! Hah!”

“How can you see my face Michael, you being in Heaven and all?”

“Heaven? Oh gosh no. We’re in Honolulu. We have cameras focused on many parts and people of earth. Heaven’s really a pretty ghastly, sparse habitat these days. Not a lot of people are settling here in the afterlife. It’s the fault of the Baptists and the Mormons. Who wants to live in a condo next door to one of them? Besides the Baptists and the born-agains really get on God’s nerves, so we moved to Honolulu last year. It’s pretty nice here. Have you been?”

“Oh yes. Many times.”

“Well, next time you’re on the Island, drop by.” Michael sounded sincere.


“No. Of course not! This is God we’re talking about not your Aunt Martha! You can’t just drop by anytime you like. Besides, God runs a Lemonade and Coconut stand on Kalakaua, so his schedule is rather full. Hah Hah!”

“Could you just put Our Father Who Art in Heaven on the phone?”

“Funny you should say that.”


“Our Father Who Art in Heaven. That’s what we all call him around here- Art.”


“Hah! Hah! Of course not! He’s just God to us. Cripes you’re too easy. Hold on a mo…”

I could still hear snickering as Michael connected me to God.

Then, I heard a deep, base voice through my phone.

“Well, Hello Rob.”

“Hello God. It’s great to hear your voice again!”

“This is a nice surprize Rob- You calling little old me. It’s been a while. You know, it doesn’t happen often enough.”

“What doesn’t- Your Honour?”

“People calling me.”

“Sir, I thought people talked to you every night. You know – Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord….”

I heard a deep hearty laugh.

“Oh, Lions and Leeches! That old chestnut? You know, I’ve always had trouble hearing people. Too many at once. Crossed lines, I guess. Everybody wanting things. Good Health. A New Car. A lover. A bigger Penis…”

“A bigger Penis? Guys actually ask for that, God?”

“My Stars, of course they do. Know, I happen to now you’ve never asked because I gave you a Bi…”

“Ahhhh. Yes, well on another topic Your Highness, Michael tells me you’ve moved to Hawaii. Must be nice.”

“Yes, last year I pulled up stakes and moved here. I love the ocean and the trade winds. Actually, I have to be downtown in about an hour to open my Lemonade and Coconut Stand on Kalakaua Avenue.”

“So Michael tells me. Is that lucrative?”

“Oh well, it keeps me out of the poor house and it’s a lot of fun meeting people, talking to them one to one instead of this conception of me with a crown of gold on top of my old, graying locks and sitting in this big be-jewelled throne passing judgement all the day long. That’s such a lot of hooey!”

“Do people actually recognize you at your lemonade Stand?”

“Lemonade and Coconut Stand. Sometimes, I see a certain twinkle in their eye. My friend Santa Claus who runs a Sno Cone stand right next to me is recognized much more often?
“Santa Claus lives in Hawaii too?”

“In the off season, of course!”

“Of course...”

“No, it’s not a constant but people do believe they know who I am. I just give them a look and blindside them. It wouldn’t do if the Honolulu Advertiser discovered that I ran my stand and plastered it all over the front page. Good Gosh, with today’s social media, I’d be the top story of the day in no time! Why I’d take that actor fellah playing with his dinky in a darkened movie theatre right to page two! Hee! Hee! ”

“Yes, I guess you would. So, would it be a silly question if I asked- what else is new?”

“No Rob. Not at all. I guess things are pretty much the same. Miss Hellzapoppin my liaison back in Heaven says the request are still coming in- although not as many as there once were. I thought this religion thing with me as the focal point would have died off years ago. It’s had a good run. I mean really, all that time ago I suggested a mathematical equation to Mr. Beaker- head of my scientific department that would make an ice cream cone that wouldn’t melt. Well, he added another plus and minus sign, some H20 and a few triple EE’s to the second power and whamo- I have this planet.”

“So are you saying the creation of Earth was just a fluke?”

“Yes Rob, I am. Earth should have been an ice cream cone!”


“Indeed it was- and is, Rob. Then back a few thousand years ago right after the dinosaurs- I can’t remember exactly when. Michael is the numbers guy, some people- men mostly, were looking for someone to put on a pinnacle and make Holy and make stuff happen...”

“Stuff, God?”

“Yes, stuff like knocking the Romans down a peg or two and keeping the Thessalonians in their place. Oh, then someone got the brain wave to write this all down- most of it a farcical re-write of how things actually were, calling it the Good Book. Good Book? Bedknobs and Broomsticks- have you ever tried to motor through it? What a dis-jointed bunch of confusing claptrap!”

“My. That’s rather strong language for you, Sir.”

“Well, it’s all mixed up Rob. Love and respect one another. Marvel at the warmth of the sun. Wonder at the petals of a flower. Suck up a Martini now and then…”

“A Martini?”

“Martinis are one of the most civilized creations on this very earth. I have one or two every day about 6PM under the shade of a Banyan Tree just sitting there just looking out over the Pacific Ocean. Good for the soul- and listen Rob, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

“…But what about all these church goers and your sheep.”

“A waste of time. I just started a little experiment that went a little wrong...”

“The ice cream cone?”

“Exactly, Rob! Things spiralled out of control and now look at the mess of the world. People shooting People. People killing People. Nations again Nations. People against People. Stephen Harper taking power… Some days I have a good mind to start all over again, but it’s not my problem. It never was my problem, Rob. Humanity tried to stick it to me. Bunch of Assholes those religious potheads!”

“Wow! I never expected this outpouring from you. I must confess, great parts of life and living are in dis-array but life can be wonderful. There are little ups and downs. We all reach a crossroads now and then but with a little patience and love, we can move on.”

“Exactly! That is life. It’s not a big deal. People make it a big deal. Enjoy it. It can be lovely. People- especially people with power, create all life’s problems. Oh, say! Look at the time. I have to get on down to my stand. Have to get squeezing those lemons. Hey Rob, you know what?”


“If people are handed a lemon in life…they should make lemonade. How’s that?”

“That is a good one God. A real good one. Thanks for this…”

“Anytime my boy. Take Care.”

“You too, God. You too…”