Thursday, July 12, 2012


…and now, here’s NEWS from the Country. This was a story posted recently in the
The Crabtree Herald News.

The  C R A B T R E E  Herald

Weather: “Hot enuff for ya?”
Copy Price: 15 cents


Crabtree, Ontario (local): by Winnie Whynot

Matilda Beaufort told Millie Cox who told Miranda Tannenbaum who told Delsie Dickenson who eventually told me (after she shot down to Costco to buy Herbie her 2nd husband- after Arthur left her for that 63 year old floosie from Beamsville- some new Stanfields) that the old White House along the lane has been bought by City Folks!

Now, we're talking not only a couple of full-blown Catholics here (according to Millie Cox) but a couple of middle-aged Gentlemen who are apparently sharing the place.

Tillie Beckman told Mollie Seafoam yesterday- when they both stopped for corn at Karl Hansen's stand, that these two boys are not what you would term "the good-old variety". Tillie says that she heard for a fact that they didn't even vote for Garfield Dunlop in the last election but might have voted for that commie NDP guy.
Now- that’s queer! Ain’t it?

Of course, nowadays even the Liberals have some commie leanings. Poor Old Mr. Dunlop must be beside himself knowing that he alone is upholding all that remains of chastity and righteousness when it comes to normal people like us who still know the meaning of the word family- for pete's sake. Of course, that does not include Mary-Anne Brown who has been seen twice at the Farmer’s Market in Orillia with a tall, dark-haired man.

Now, Tillie also says that these two, unrelated boys know a lot about music, flowers and decorating stuff. The agent’s identity I must protect under the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. That’s the same one that protects those same-sexually people who should just move to Africa or Botswana if they think it's so bad out here.
She also says they’ve been seen "out on the town" once or twice with others of “their same ilk”.

Now, this here agent has called these two who have bought the place- “a little light in the loafers”. My first cousin Barney was that way too and they sent him for therapy. I think the doctor gave him an insert for one or both shoes and it seemed to clear it right up.

Anyways we should say welcome to these gentlemen.

Malcolm that big strapping lad at the Pioneer Station- the one with arm muscles bigger than watermelons, told me that he'll be helping them move in.
“Just a neighbourly thing to do”-  Malcolm says.

Good Lord! When is that boy gonna start wearing underwear? A couple of weeks back I stopped by for premium unleaded and I swear to Mary Magdalene I saw something big sticking right outta those cut off shorts of his.
Connie Tagalong- who was in the car with me, said I was probably just seeing the tail of his winder-cleaning brush stickin' outta his pocket.

Lands Sakes that boy is always strokin' his hair or something these days but he does do a good pump job for everyone!

Well at least the newcomers will have a friend right off the bat.

One last other bit of news…

Manny Kravitz has still been underselling Harold Nutsley on the price of eggs every weekend out at the Organic Market in Goon City. Harold tells me he'll have brown eggs at the market come Saturday and they'll be up a bit in price.

So Manny Krevitz- if you're reading this, Harold says:
“Up yours too!”

That's it till next week.