ROBBLOG #891- A "Huge" Blog

 

Why can't I have a body like "Huge" Jackman.

I asked The Mister that very question.

"Why can't I have a body like Hugh (I call him "Huge") Jackman?"

"Honey, You're just not built that way- nor are you tall enough."

"I just thought with all the backyard labour I've been doing lately, my muscles would bulge and I'd grow a few inches."

"Darling,"- he answered with a wide grin, "If it was meant to be that you had a build like "Huge" it would most certainly have happened by now. Be happy with what you have."

Oh piffle and poppycock!

I met him- in person, once you know. "Huge" was standing outside the stage entrance at the Princess of Wales Theatre in Toronto. He signed a DVD cover of his stint in Oklahoma for me.

He looked at the curly-haired image on the cover, then smiled and said in his ever-so-cute Aussie accent-

"Well, that was a long time ago Bruce!".

He actually didn't call me "Bruce" but it gives you a small slice of the accent I heard.

He was charming.

Yummy.

Handsome.

Rugged...

and tall.

The show we saw was amazing.

Legs like a Vegas Showgirl!

A waist small and tight and a tuft of Australian chest hair peeking over the top of his brilliant, white shirt- which I kept hoping someone would rip off his damp, hairy body.

No one did.

Damn...

I see "Huge" is in a new movie these days.

Looks like it's about regressing oneself back in time.

Reminiscence?

Anyhow, it appears to give him the opportunity to strip off his shirt. It's a prominent shot in any of the promotional material I've seen on Twitter. I say good for him.

A man should be used from time to time as a ruddy slab of fresh meat.

Use him and then forget about him.

Throw him away.

Except I wouldn't. I'd be kind. Gentle.

I'd invite him for tea- around the swimming pool of course- if I had one.

We "boys" need something pretty to look at from time to time and "Huge" will do just fine.

I know he has a wife but she just has to get used to this adoration and share- right Dear?

Deb was in the audience at the Price of Wales.

He introduced her.

Blah. Blah. Boring.

I guess she has her use and I am sure she is a lovely person who gets to see "Huge" prancing naked out of the shower on most days.

"Huge" shirtless in his newest movie

"Huge" has "boyfriends too.

Ryan Reynolds is one. They look pretty tight.

I wonder if they've ever...

Naw...

That's just in my mind and in a perfect world.

So, I work away making paths on our terraced backyard. Sweating in the hot August sun. Laying down bag after bag of subdued red mulch.

Next a fence.

Down about terrace number four, we're running a decorative fence from one side of the property to the other. It's a natural cedar colour. It's not going to keep deer or vermin out. It's just going to be a backdrop to the terraces. A place where one's eyes stop.

Did you know that "Huge" spells "colour"- being Australian, like we do in this Dominion of Canada.

Yes he does!

It brings me closer to him.

Now this fence. It's like an upstage curtain with evergreen plantings along it's run so things will look pretty and green all year through.

We can have that on the island you know.

Pretty things.

Like the very talented "Huge" Jackman

I think I'll call my fence "Huge".

Strong.

Strapping.

Naturally rough.

~pause~

Really, it's probably time for me to get a reality slap- isn't it?

ROBBLOG #890- It's Black. It's All Black.

 

September 20th. Circle your calendar.

It's rumoured- and may be true while this RobBlog is posted, to be the date we Canadians will go to the polls federally. I am already planning to sleep late, keep my blinds pulled down and watch old Bette Davis movies.

After the last time I voted here on the Island, I swore I never would again. The "bullies" who ran the poll made my mind up for me. You may remember that I was attending to vote with a friend- a Brit, who was going to vote in Canada for the first time. Like Justin Trudeau, I wanted to take a photo of her slipping her ballot into the box.

Verbotten! I was told and she was too. It was a case of a breach of National Security. Ottawa would fall. The Governor-General and the Queen would decide our fate. Bullshit and Poppycock but I was worried that the Poll "bullies" would report me to the authorities. I was led to believe such insurrection and un-canadianizum would not be tolerated.

What the fuck is this? Russia?

Anyhoo, I called elections Canada because I was afraid I would be hunted down and jailed and was politely told that Justin- or his people, would have asked those in position of authority if he could politely take a photo of he and the wife shoving the ballot in the box.

Really?

Anyhoo, my blood pressure is rising so I'll not re-live any more of that afternoon but still, I have decided not to vote. Sure hope Jann Arden doesn't find out and give me a hefty tongue lashing. I mean I don't eat beef and pork these days but chicken and turkey are staples in my diet and I know she would prefer me to go as Frank Sinatra once sang- "'All the Way".

Oh Jann, I am trying. Not voting but trying to be kind to all animals.

I really am...

A final Jann thought, season three of "Jann" airs on CTV in September.

So an election.

Governor General Mary Simon will approve- this will be her first major decision.

What if she refuses?

I'd like to see that actually.

Once her edict goes forward and Parliament and everything else gets cancelled, we Canadians are into 36 days of lying, cheating, backstabbing, more lying,  nasty commercials and more lying. Thank goodness this only goes on for 36 days and not months like some countries around the world.

The Prime Minster.

 Hey, we've all done black-face right? Haven't we? Right?

Anyway, he's the one in the centre. In case you're wondering, copious amounts of Vodka were involved 

resulting in things coming back full circle to bite him in the ass. You'll see this photo again in the next 36 days or so...

It will be interesting to see how a Federal Election will work in this time of covid and possibly the 4th wave. Although, I think someone said yesterday that Canada is now in the 4th wave.

These days who do we believe?

Justin? He can't give a straight answer to a straight question if he tried.

Reporter: Mr. Prime Minister, is one plus one, two?

Justin: Our government is working daily on doing the best for Canadians and creating more jobs across the country while ignoring Quebecers and their sovereign nation as well as those Indigenous people across this great land who we acknowledge are interested in bringing change to every street and place name in every village, town and city across this country.

Reporter: So the answer is?

Justin: As I have said many times before, our government is working daily and will continue to do so...

Reporter: Ah, Prime Minister, we get it. No more questions thank you.

Justin: No, thank you and remember "JANN" premiers on CTV next month!

I was planning on making fun of  "The Tool" or "Sing a Song" or whomever is running for the "out of touch greens" but I have used up my 500 words or less.

A final thought.

Keep in mind the case numbers for covid are climbing across the country and here in BC as we await this election. Our Dr. Baloney is not saying that all the cases on the BC mainland or Vancouver Island- or at least 80 to 90 percent of cases, are anti-vaxers or the "non vaccinated". 

We just have to guess as the government keeps us in the dark.

Anti-Vaxers and the non-vaccinated.

Sounds like a tribe of zombies or vampires roaming the earth looking for victims.

Hey, you know what?

That's exactly what it is...

ROBBLOG #889- Firm Tits, Being 70 and More

 

So, here's the thing...

I turned 70 recently.

No, not the number of times I turned dirt in my garden.

No not onto a Hwy.

It's age.

I am now fucking 70!

I could apologize for the language but apparently at 70 one doesn't have to.

I wasn't crotchety in my 60's but I think 70 and up creates a whole new level of telling it like it is.

Gal at a counter says- "Can I help you sir?"

I say- "When I'm good and fucking ready sister. Stop talking!"

Now, I wouldn't do that- ever.

I am really Mr. "Nice Guy".

In fact I am known for it. It's just I feel a little more freedom in what I could say- not what I would say.

Believe me, I have known folks who thrive on belittling others.

Those who are cranky and cantankerous. Not nice humans.

Those types are vexations to the spirit.

So here I sit in my 71st year- it just keeps getting better doesn't it? I mean I order my A10 blonde hair colour through WalMart so I don't have to have it displayed in my shopping cart as I shop the cat food aisle.

There's a dead giveaway to old age.

A man shopping for cat food.

Apparently, my body will start to age even faster now.

I'll have to use mega bottles of face cream.

I'll have to walk more. Bicycle more. Watch what I eat a little more than in the past.

Will my "tits" start to sag in this decade? 

(Some Gay men call their chest or pecs- tits.)

So far, they have not.

They are both rather perky and look pretty damn good in a semi-tight, white tee shirt- if I do say so myself...for being 70.

I need to do a few more pectoral exercises.

Lean forward. Grab each forearm and push and push and push. One, two, three...

This exercise works- if your wondering.

I've used it for years.

This is not me. It's a reasonable facsimile- in my mind!

I wonder if I'll be a Daddy Fag who still ogles men whenever I get the chance?

Probably...

Case in point a new neighbour has built a pool. I see him and his friends in their boxer trunks splashing around. Sitting in the sun with drinks in hand slapping their tanned thighs when someone tells a funny.

What the hell happened to Speedos? Why are they only prolific on Australian beaches?

I am dying to ask the neighbour if he's been "Speedo Shopping". You know- in jest of course.

So 70.

Seventy.

65 plus 5= 70.

80 minus 10=70

The way I see it, I'm on the downside of the mountain but I'm digging in my heels to slow my descent.

Is 70 the new 50?

I'm not sure.

If one is healthy and happy, then yes. I am sure it's a whole different kettle of speedos if one is not well and suffering from a half dozen health problems.

That photo at the top of my blog by the way is me from 5 years ago. It was taken by Seanna Kreager.

Seanna lives in Ottawa and I live on Vancouver Island. Too much distance for a photo shoot.

I am going to get a "headshot" done now I'm 70.

Egads!

That could be scary but photographers can play with light and smooth things out- just a little.

Can't they?

Oh vanity, thy name is Rob.

Why change now?

I'm 70....