‘Tis the season. Time for another Yuletide Yak with the big guy- upstairs.
~briiiiinnnnng. Briiiiinnnnggggg, brinnnng…~
Voice: Hello, it’s Heaven. God’s Office. Harriet Tubman Speaking.
Me: Harriet Tubman. Wow! Thee Harriet Tubman?
Harriet: Das right white boy. Thee Harriet. What’s ya’ll’s name.
Me: Oh, it’s Rob. He’s expec…
Harriet: Yessir, ya’lls written down here.
Me: Gosh. Harriet Tubman. I mean all you did for the slaves…and you lived in St. Catherines, in Ontario.
Harriet: Fer a spell. I liked dat place. Nice folk. The church I attended’s still there.
Me: So, I’ve got to ask. Why are you answering phones for the big guy?
Harriet: Filling in. Joan Rivers is usually here.
Me: Joan Rivers. Thee…
Harriet: Das right chile. Thee Joannie. She wanted the holidays off- both Hanukkah and Christmas.
Me: Oh, she has seniority?
Harriet: No Chile, she’s just white.
Harriet: I’zz puttin’ you through. Youze lucky, he’s in a jolly holiday mood today. Sounds likes he’s got a bunch of mistletoe shoved up his butt. One moment please chile…
Me: By Harriet. Nice chatting to you.
God: Well hello Robbie. Feliz Navidad!
Me: Yes indeed. The same to you. God. Everytime, I talk with you I think…I mean you’re numero uno. You started this all. Christmas, I mean.
God: Yes siree Rob. I did. Turned out not too badly, wouldn’t you say?
Me: Yes. I like the Peace. Goodwill on Earth part. It happens so little these days. Remember when everything shut down during Christmas. The quiet. The Peace. It was beautiful.
God: Yes. It was that. Soft snow falling- in some part of my world. Sunshine and flip flops in another. Crazy world I made, eh Rob?
Me: I guess. I would have thought this Peace idea would have been universal by now. I mean how hard is it to have fun, enjoy, love your neighbour- just get along.
God: It’s not hard. Some people make it hard. They take things to extreme. Nothing I can do about it. I laid down the blueprints. Now it’s up to all of you.
Me: So are we a failure here on Earth?
God: No. Not really. A bit of a disappointment. Look at the beauty down there. Oceans- which you all are not treating kindly I might add, sunshine, flowers, trees- oh and Mrs. Maisel.
Me: Mrs. Maisel?
God: Yes! I love that show. It’s on the Cloud Channel up here- not to be confused with “The Cloud” where you folks are storing all manner of stuff these days. We’ve had to add extra clouds because of the demand.
God: Oh for my Son’s Sake. I’m just joshing Rob! The cloud has nothing to do with us. That baby’s all man-made.
Me: Well, I was going to say…. So, let me throw out a few names here and tell me what comes to mind.
God: Okay Robbie-Bobby. Love your Union Jack flag socks by the way.
Me: You can see them?
God: Of course. I see all and know all. I’m kinda like Lisa LaFlamme- on uppers.
Me: Good One Big Guy. So, names. Ummm...Andrew Sheer, The Queen, Brexit.
God: Andy. Well that boy takes things too literally. He needs to breathe. No wonder they gave him the boot…and that smirk on his face. Even I don’t like that.
Me: He definitely was in the dark ages.
God: A lot of people still are. Jesus Christ!!....
Me: What happened?
God: Nothing Robbie, Jesus just walked in. ~aside~ What’s up Son…Yes…Yes… That’s a good idea. Are you leaving now?
Me: Where’s he going- if I may be so bold to ask.
God: Oh, he’s going down to see Liz. She has a lot in her head after Boris’s win. Can you believe it? Never underestimate an underdog. She needs some “soothsaying” as the days move forward.
God: That’s what we call it up here in Heaven when we put an idea or feeling into someone’s head.
Me: Neat! So I guess Brexit will move forward.
God: Not up to me. What will be will be. Oh Listen, I had lunch with Doris Day and Juliette last week.
Me: You did? You mean Our Pet- Juliette?
God: Yes! I loved her show with the Romeos. Not so keen on your hockey game that played before her show…
Me: Neither am I.
God: I asked Doris what it was like working with Rock and James. I think she loved both of them- a lot. I really do. Nice, nice ladies. They volunteer at Heaven’s Humane Society.
God: Look Robbie, I have some other appointments and I still have to do some Christmas Shopping. It’s so damn hard to fit the hustle bustle in at this time of year- but I love it!
Me: Me as well. Do you have many to buy for?
God: Dozens but Mary is the hardest.
Me: Mother of God?
God: No. Wife of Jesus.
Me: Whaaat? So….My Gosh- it’s true?
God: Let’s save that for another time- shall we? In the meantime all the best to you and yours this Christmas Season and I am so, so glad you Boyz are enjoying the Island. You both deserve a nice retirement.
Me: Gee thanks. You do see and know all. A Happy Christmas to you and your family in Heaven.
God: Talk to you again- soon. Bye.