Tuesday, August 28, 2018

ROBBLOG #735- Almanac Hooey

Reason number "three thousand, four hundred and sixty-seven" as to why you should live on Vancouver Island.

The Farmer's Almanac- Yee-Haw, has released its winter forecast for Canada. Now being a "learned" man, I have studied this forecast very carefully.
Alright, that's a bit of a stretch.

I know very little about weather- except for the years the Mountain Ash Berries were in abundance back in Ontario. I figured it meant we should look out for a cold, nasty winter. I came to that scientific conclusion by noting that years when this happens it's always extremely cold and snow-packed come January and February. The birds that stay for those winters appreciate the January berry treat.

Of course, when I look at January and February past- back in Ontario, they are all cold and nasty- with very few exceptions.
How's that for global warming?
What global warming say the Tories?
By golly, you know, one day I might find myself votin' for that Scheer fellah and maybe even kissin' the rotund, fatty asscheeks of that there Ford boy once he raises himself to be King of Canada with the help of his "Ford Nation".
Another thing, why do Conservatives say "golly" and drop the "G's" off many words?

Anyhoo, all in the life of a Tory.
My life?
In my dreams of course.
"Fuck the carbon tax too!"- I might even scream in one of those right-wing dreams and "let's take all those liberal rights away that we been given over the past decades."

I'm kidding of course but really, how can someone actually say they are Conservative. It's like stepping backwards in time. They must have their head shoved ear deep up a horse's patooty!
In fact, I hear the Conservatives are so far in the past they'd endeavour to ask Sir John A. MacDonald to write the sexual curriculum for schools right across this fine country of ours.

Now I must say to their credit they seem to understand this Carbon Tax thing- since they don't want any part of it. They are actively poo-pooin' the pants off it whereas me, on the other hand, haven't the foggiest what a carbon tax is or what it does.
Ignorance can be bliss and this is one of those occasions.

Okay, back on topic...
Now that the Farmer's Almanac has released its winter forecast determined through the stars, planets and holding a saliva-soaked finger to the wind here is what it says-

"...'cold' weather in the Maritimes and Quebec. 'Biting cold' in Ontario and 'teeth-chattering' cold across the Prairies. BC bucks the trends with 'typical winter temperatures' in the forecast."

Ya hear the sound of that?

Then, relief comes in two words- "Typical Temps" in BC.
Alright, that's four words but you get what I mean.

"Typical" meaning one can sit in January Island sunshine and not freeze your nuts off.
Typical means green lawns.
Typical means no 20 foot snow plies in the Wal*Mart parking lot.
Typical means no huge icicles hanging from your eaves or a monkey's brass nuts.
Typical is February grass-cutting, palm trees, rhododendrons and magnolias as green as a turkey's arse at fly time!

Salt Spring Island View on a weekend in August
Now, to be clear, we Islanders don't want a bunch of you Easterners- particularly you "Orillia-Types", coming out here and spoiling it all for the rest of us.
I know you sneak a peak at this Blog of mine from time to time. Of course, when it's cold and snowy there's little else to do and I get that.
I really do.
I was an Easterner once.
A died-in-the-wool Ontario lover just a little more than a year ago but I have changed my old ways.
I have.
I mean that.
Stop laughing...

Why, if I encouraged the lot of you to come west, you'd be clogging our check out lines at Stupid Store in no time! Merrily chatting with the cashier. Smiling smugly at January Forecasts in the check out line newspapers published from three time zones back.

You'd all be holding up the cashouts at the numerous liquor stores- Liquor World. Liquor Plus. Liquor Barn. More Liquor. BC Liquor. Liquor Mart and a dozen more.
It just wouldn't be right.
Why I'll bet if I said that North Cowichan has more liquor stores than it has Tim Hortons, you folks would be out here in a flaming flash!
That wouldn't be right.

So, when you read that Farmers Almanac Winter forecast and it says typical, mild temperatures for British Columbia and out here on the Island, just ask yourself- "What in Hell do a bunch of right-wing, Conservative-lovin', God-fearin', tractor-ridin' farmers know about forecastin' Canadian weather.
Absolutely zip.
Reason enough to stay right where you are at.

I thank you for your time and attention.

Note: The preceding has been presented by the association of former Easterners trying to keep Vancouver Island for the Islanders.