It’s
Christmas once again and in the interest of Atheists, Jews and Christians
alike, I offer you my Blog:
Santa
Claus and Jesus
Santa
Claus was born several hundred years ago.
Christ
was born in Bethlehem on Christmas Day- in February a couple of thousand years
ago.
Santa
Claus used to be St. Nicholas and still is in some countries. Jesus
is a prophet in some countries and God- or at least God’s son, in some
countries. Some
people who live in the Amazon have never heard of Santa or Jesus and they do
not get Christmas Day and Boxing Day off. Sucks to be Amazonian!
Santa
Claus is Canadian and lives at the North Pole- even today. Jesus
was Jewish and lived in Galilee. He was Galilean. He is dead.
Santa
is well-travelled.
Jesus
walked around Galilee and once- when very young- took a trip with his mother
Mary and Father Joseph- not his real Dad, to Egypt.
Santa
Claus is a “fictional character” believed in by Children.
Jesus
is a “fictional character” believed in by grown-ups who force their children to
believe.
Santa
Claus is boss and there is no CEO or Big Guy lording over him, although he does
have the backing of the corporate sector- you know- The Bay, WalMart and Giant
Tiger.
Jesus
has a CEO. He is called “The Pope” and is Catholic. Did I mention Jesus was and
still is Jewish? Although, those who believe in him are called “Christians” and
they live forever- something called eternal life, if they believe in him.
SIDEBAR:
Believing in Santa Claus gives you no guarantees of an eternal life but you can
score some pretty neat gifts.
Santa
Claus is married. His wife’s name is…ummm...well…Mrs Claus. Her first name is
probably Dorothy or Eunice.
Jesus
is not married. His last name is Christ. Jesus may be Gay. He hung out with 12
guys for 3 years. He ate, slept, hung out and swam in the Dead Sea with all of them.
He may well have been a tramp with a very high libido. Of course some people
say that Mary Magdalene- who hung around with Jesus and the 12 guys, eventually
married Jesus, moved to France and had a bunch of kids. Others believe she was
a “Fag Hag”. (Google the term “Fag Hag”, if you are not familiar with it). Some
claim Mary was a prostitute but the Catholics forgave her for that sin a few
years ago. Good Old Catholics. They should know.
SIDEBAR:
Do not confuse Mary Magdalene with Mary Smith (I think that was her last name-
or David) who was Jesus’ mother on earth whom God- who by the way lives on his
own planet according to the Mormons, came down and ^%&$#!
SIDEBAR:
I know you might be having a difficult
time swallowing some of this but hang in there.
Santa
wears a red suit and carries a big bag of toys slung over his back.
Jesus
wore a sack. It was bleached white and he probably didn’t wear underwear and he
slung his bag….never mind. Look it up on Google!
Santa
had a bunch of Elves working for him. They are all ageless, short of stature
and wear pointed shoes.
Jesus
has The Pope working for him and The Pope is always old, shuffles around
wearing gold slippers and a pointy hat.
Santa
can come down many, many chimneys “with a bound” and live through the
experience. He can eat tons of cookies that kids leave for him on the dining
room table as well, he drinks litres and litres of milk.
Jesus
can be nailed to a piece of wood- only once, then lose consciousness, get
buried in a stone tomb and wake up on a Sunday morning a couple of days later
just in time for brunch at the Casino. Oh yes- Jesus can also fly up- ascend
actually, into the clouds of Heaven. He does not get any frequent flyer miles
for doing this. Such a pity.
Santa
Claus has a bunch of Happy Holiday tunes written about him as well as snowmen,
hippopotamuses, front teeth and more.
Jesus
has some happy tunes written about Him and Angels, Shepherds and Kings and such
but most of the tunes are morose, scary, dull and boring.
Santa
Claus makes a decent wage and passes along benefits to Mrs Claus and his Elves.
Jesus
is aided by the Catholic Church and a lot of other churches who believe they
are “real” churches, only they are not because they have been told by the
Catholics that they are all second class because the Catholics are the only
true Christians. We wonder why there are wars…
I
digress…
So,
Jesus has riches of gold, famous paintings, property, The Vatican and a bunch
of stuff that is hidden to keep the poor and downtrodden from getting wise to
his schtick.
Finally,
Santa
is a jolly old elf, fills the world with loves and happiness every year- and
you don’t have to go to church or bend over and worship him.
Jesus-
on the other hand, hardly ever cracked a joke, got pissed off at the
money-lenders and tried to run away from his parents when his was 12. However
an orange alert was sounded and his parents found him doing some business for
his Father. No, I don’t mean Joseph, I mean the big guy up on that planet.
Jesus also expects you to prostrate yourself before him and worship him- or go
to Hell. Took the words right out of my mouth!
SIDEBAR:
Jesus has his own planet these days too- according to the Mormons, whereas
Santa has just has a bit of frozen land called the North Pole.
So
Kids, that’s my take on Santa vs Jesus.
Have
a Wonderful Holiday!
Seasons
Greetings!
Happy
Hanukkah!
and
have
a very Merry Little Christmas!
FINAL
SIDEBAR: You think it’s tough waiting for Santa to come to your house just once
a year! What about the Jews who are still waiting for the Messiah and have been
waiting for hundreds and hundreds of years.
Now
that’s commitment!
