Tuesday, October 8, 2013


Another Conversation with The Big Guy
It’s been a while but I had a few minutes, so I picked up the phone and dialed long distance to Heaven to have a chat with the Big Guy. It’s been a while and I am sure he has lots to tell us. I know I have a lot to ask. So let’s get started.
Me: Hey Big Guy, thanks for taking my call. God you must be busy these days, eh?
God: Nice to hear your voice Rob and just a quick note- don’t take my name in…you know.
Me: Oh, cripes- sorry. ~ahem~ Oh shit…I mean shoot…is cripes a cuss word?
God: ~laughing~ Oh, Ho Ho Ho Rob, no cripes isn’t a naughty word. Cripes I use it all the time myself. I use a bunch of cuss words when you folks down there on earth fuckin’ piss me off!
Me: Oh…right…yes…I can see you aren’t afraid to call them as you see them. It’s curious though Lord, you seemed to be channeling someone else there.
God: Well Rob ~chuckle, ho~ whoever do you mean?
Me: Oh, I dunno. Santa Claus maybe?
God: What? ~Ho Hoedy Hoe~ Now Rob don’t make me laugh. That’s preposterous. I can be a pretty stern and demanding Deity at times. ~pause~  Santa? Now, that is a good one.
~Ho, Ho, Ho~
Me: Yes, I suppose it is preposterous…however…anyway. It’s been a while, so how are things in Heaven?
 God: Oh well Rob, glad you asked. We’re still building tons of condos. I mean, if you people down there keep dying at the current rate, we’ll have to expand to another universe. I mean with all your accidents, shootings, stabbings and disease- not to mention the bloody you-know-who’s killing their fellow you-know-what’s over you-know-where…well, it all adds up! I look back some days. Way back when you earthly folks decided to pick a God and you picked me. Dunno why. Thor is way more interesting. Anyway, that’s another long verse. Then, you wrote all this stuff- you mortals, about what to do and what not to do.
Me: Yes, I’ve read many parts of the book.
God: Well that’s nice Rob but it really only makes one good points- Love. It’s that simple. That and have a blast during your days on earth.
Me: A blast?
God: Yes. Life’s short you know.
Me: Yes, apparently. Listen God. What do you think of Rob Ford?
God: Oh My! Now there is a question. To answer you truthfully- and I must since I am your host of hosts after all- not much! He’s quite the little party boy isn’t he? I know he’s making a big donkey’s rear end out of himself and that wonderful City of Toronto- I love Toronto, however, soon his day will come- one way or the other.
Me: What do you mean one way or the other?
God: Oh Robbbbb. Look at the guy. He’s a walking billboard for all kinds of health problems- snorting aside….and yes, I know the video doesn’t exist.
Me: It doesn’t?
God: Look Rob, I don’t want to give too much away but that guy hasn’t seen his penis in a decade or two, so why should he have seen this video. I think that says a lot. ~ hah, hah~
Me: So you are saying there could be a video but maybe Ford just hasn’t seen it or believes it doesn’t exist.
God: Why do you think they call it “dope”?
Me: Can’t argue with you there. On another topic, what about all that strife in our senate?
God: Oh for Jiminy Cricket’s sake. Don’t even mention Pamela Wallin’s name here in Heaven.
She’s got a lot of s’plainin’ to do when she gets here.
Me: Oh, do you expect her soon?
God: Now, I can’t say Rob. That is privileged information but I will say this, that Duffy fellah and she make a “great example of being bad examples”. At least that’s how my Son sees it?
Me: Oh how is your son- Jesus?
God: Oh fuck! Don’t call him that. These days it’s pronounced “Hey-zeus”. You know Spanish.
Me: Spanish?
God: Oh yes, it’s the latest thing from the Saviour of the World- learning Spanish. He’s thinking of going back and landing somewhere in Mexico or Spain.
Me: Really?
God: I suggested Cranbrook B.C. but he says the real estate prices are way too high.
Me: Tell me about it. Listen God, if you had to rate the human race over say…
God: Vulcans or Zardoffs? Are you talking this universe or the one three rows over and two seats down.
Me: Vulcans or who? Hey! Isn’t that a Bobby Curtola song you’re quoting there?
God: Sure is. Love that Bobby Curtola! ~pause~ You were saying…
Me: I was saying…if you rated our race against others, how would we fair?
God: Well you guys aren’t the brightest bulbs on the Holiday Tree- are you?
Me: You mean Christmas Tree and no, I guess we’re not.
God: Oh Rob, we’re all politically correct in Heaven these days. We usually just say tree. You know get the “tree” up. Decorate the “tree”.
Me: So how is Mary these days?
God: The Mother or my son’s friend?
Me: Well, either, I guess.
God: Well the “Virgin” ~wink, wink~ is busy as ever. Those Catholics are calling to her every second of the day and she grows weary of that. She wishes they could just fix their own problems now and then but our Mary does her best. She draws the line at helping any Catholic win the lottery, however.
Me: Yes. I can understand. Favouritism.
God: The other Mary is busy too. She’s opening a new bar and restaurant down the way on Olive Avenue. It’s a big place. You should see it Rob. She tells me the food will be all comfort stuff- like meatloaf and such.  Mary makes a wild meatloaf! A couple of the disciples will be working the bar when she opens- by Christmas she hopes.
Me: Well good luck to her. That sounds exciting.
God: Oh Rob! There are many exciting things going on in Heave. One day you’ll see for yourself.
Me: Right. Just not too soon- I hope.
God: Well that’s all a part of this thing we call life- you just never know.
Me: Well God, on that note I thank you for taking my call and I wish you all the best.
God: Anytime Rob. Any time at all. Beats talking to many of the “callers” I get up here. Hey, this is a real clear line Rob.
Me: Yes, well I stuck with Bell Canada.
God: Good for you. Bell’s still number one in Heaven too.
Me: Really? ~pause~ Again, thanks for this.
God: You are most welcome. We’ll talk soon.
Me: Amen to that!