Wednesday, December 17, 2014

ROBBLOG #566



It’s Christmas once again and in the interest of Atheists, Jews and Christians alike, I offer you my Blog: 

Santa Claus and Jesus
 

Santa Claus was born several hundred years ago.
Christ was born in Bethlehem on Christmas Day- in February a couple of thousand years ago. 

Santa Claus used to be St. Nicholas and still is in some countries. Jesus is a prophet in some countries and God- or at least God’s son, in some countries. Some people who live in the Amazon have never heard of Santa or Jesus and they do not get Christmas Day and Boxing Day off. Sucks to be Amazonian! 

Santa Claus is Canadian and lives at the North Pole- even today. Jesus was Jewish and lived in Galilee. He was Galilean. He is dead. 

Santa is well-travelled.
Jesus walked around Galilee and once- when very young- took a trip with his mother Mary and Father Joseph- not his real Dad, to Egypt.

Santa Claus is a “fictional character” believed in by Children.
Jesus is a “fictional character” believed in by grown-ups who force their children to believe.

Santa Claus is boss and there is no CEO or Big Guy lording over him, although he does have the backing of the corporate sector- you know- The Bay, WalMart and Giant Tiger.
Jesus has a CEO. He is called “The Pope” and is Catholic. Did I mention Jesus was and still is Jewish? Although, those who believe in him are called “Christians” and they live forever- something called eternal life, if they believe in him. 

SIDEBAR: Believing in Santa Claus gives you no guarantees of an eternal life but you can score some pretty neat gifts. 

Santa Claus is married. His wife’s name is…ummm...well…Mrs Claus. Her first name is probably Dorothy or Eunice.
Jesus is not married. His last name is Christ. Jesus may be Gay. He hung out with 12 guys for 3 years. He ate, slept, hung out and swam in the Dead Sea with all of them. He may well have been a tramp with a very high libido. Of course some people say that Mary Magdalene- who hung around with Jesus and the 12 guys, eventually married Jesus, moved to France and had a bunch of kids. Others believe she was a “Fag Hag”. (Google the term “Fag Hag”, if you are not familiar with it). Some claim Mary was a prostitute but the Catholics forgave her for that sin a few years ago. Good Old Catholics. They should know. 

SIDEBAR: Do not confuse Mary Magdalene with Mary Smith (I think that was her last name- or David) who was Jesus’ mother on earth whom God- who by the way lives on his own planet according to the Mormons, came down and ^%&$#!






SIDEBAR: I know you might be having a difficult time swallowing some of this but hang in there. 

Santa wears a red suit and carries a big bag of toys slung over his back.
Jesus wore a sack. It was bleached white and he probably didn’t wear underwear and he slung his bag….never mind. Look it up on Google! 

Santa had a bunch of Elves working for him. They are all ageless, short of stature and wear pointed shoes.
Jesus has The Pope working for him and The Pope is always old, shuffles around wearing gold slippers and a pointy hat. 

Santa can come down many, many chimneys “with a bound” and live through the experience. He can eat tons of cookies that kids leave for him on the dining room table as well, he drinks litres and litres of milk.
Jesus can be nailed to a piece of wood- only once, then lose consciousness, get buried in a stone tomb and wake up on a Sunday morning a couple of days later just in time for brunch at the Casino. Oh yes- Jesus can also fly up- ascend actually, into the clouds of Heaven. He does not get any frequent flyer miles for doing this. Such a pity. 

Santa Claus has a bunch of Happy Holiday tunes written about him as well as snowmen, hippopotamuses, front teeth and more.
Jesus has some happy tunes written about Him and Angels, Shepherds and Kings and such but most of the tunes are morose, scary, dull and boring. 

Santa Claus makes a decent wage and passes along benefits to Mrs Claus and his Elves.
Jesus is aided by the Catholic Church and a lot of other churches who believe they are “real” churches, only they are not because they have been told by the Catholics that they are all second class because the Catholics are the only true Christians. We wonder why there are wars…

I digress…

So, Jesus has riches of gold, famous paintings, property, The Vatican and a bunch of stuff that is hidden to keep the poor and downtrodden from getting wise to his schtick. 

Finally,
Santa is a jolly old elf, fills the world with loves and happiness every year- and you don’t have to go to church or bend over and worship him.
Jesus- on the other hand, hardly ever cracked a joke, got pissed off at the money-lenders and tried to run away from his parents when his was 12. However an orange alert was sounded and his parents found him doing some business for his Father. No, I don’t mean Joseph, I mean the big guy up on that planet. Jesus also expects you to prostrate yourself before him and worship him- or go to Hell. Took the words right out of my mouth! 

SIDEBAR: Jesus has his own planet these days too- according to the Mormons, whereas Santa has just has a bit of frozen land called the North Pole. 

So Kids, that’s my take on Santa vs Jesus.
Have a Wonderful Holiday!
Seasons Greetings!
Happy Hanukkah!
and
have a very Merry Little Christmas! 

FINAL SIDEBAR: You think it’s tough waiting for Santa to come to your house just once a year! What about the Jews who are still waiting for the Messiah and have been waiting for hundreds and hundreds of years.

Now that’s commitment!

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