Tuesday, April 24, 2018

ROBBLOG #715- No End to Our Good Days


Jesus, Mary & Josephine!
It looks like we've made it to live another day.

April 23rd has come and gone and no "End of Days".
Somebody made a big mistake- again, while prophesying our ruin and subsequent total damnation.

Speaking of total damnation, by now you've heard about that asshole who slaughtered innocent people as he drove and rammed a rental truck along a 2 km stretch of Yonge Street in North York in Toronto on Monday afternoon.
For those folks my heart goes out.
You get up in the morning expecting to make it through your day. You're looking forward to an after work drink or an evening meal with friends, family or co-workers and you don't get to make it through your day.
And why?
All because some maniacal idiot thinks killing people is doing a huge favour for some hateful, revengeful God figure that'll get him into some weird version of Heaven packed with virgins.
Not that the "normal" version of a Heaven isn't weird- it is, however that driver's version is completely f*cked up whether it's virgins or just attention he craves.
The F*ckpot!

These kind of horrendous events used to only happen in places like America or some hot, dust-ridden, god-forsaken country populated only by people in kaftans with camels and sand dunes.
Not so these days.
This can happen anywhere at any time.
As my Mum use to say: when your time is up- your time is up.

We have to make the most of our time here on this plane of existence for our own plug could be pulled at any time. That's why- and I may have said this before, that's why The Mister and I took a chance and moved our whole lives three time zones west to Vancouver Island, Canada.
Oh but it wasn't all fun and games.
It was stressful.
Sad.
Unreal.
Hard.
Life-changing.
Challenging-
yet Fun.

Being here on Vancouver Island in the city of Duncan has allowed us to relax and breathe. It has given us the opportunity to be outdoors ninety percent of the time since we arrived off the Ferry from Tsawwasen and mainland Canada back in August 2017.

We are not alone.
Lots of Ontarians are doing the same thing and they're not just screaming and running away from the likes of Patrick Brown or Doug Ford- even though those are two great, sound reasons to leave. Maybe a crazy person begging to be shot in the head is a good reason to pack up your old kit bag and get outta Dodge as well.

Weather is a major reason to come here to the Island and retirement.
Double digit temperatures in April- sometimes in February and March, are absolutely unbelievable for Canada.

A few days ago I was at a garden centre where a husband, wife and a red setter doggy named "Murphy" were admiring one of the plants on my cart. It was an Azalea with about a hundred buds all ready to bloom the most brilliant red.
"It's just amazing that I can plant this now- being from Ontario", I said to the couple while patting Murphy on his beautiful puppy head.
She shrieked- "My Husband and I are from Ontario too! Whitby. A year ago!
I said- "Orillia. 8 months ago."

Without a doubt, every second person you talk to here is either from Ontario or has family there. You'd be surprized at how many people know Orillia and have a relation or two there.
I never knew Orillia, Ontario was so worldly. Orillians as well as Ontarians, really get around and staying within the borders of our Canada too.
Health coverage is pretty much the same here.
Language is the same. There's even French s'il vous plait!
Federal laws- the same, of course.
"Island time" is a bit different and one would be amazed at the conversations one can get involved in whilst standing in a check-out line!

So kids, do your research and you'll see what the Island has to offer.
Google information is a few keystrokes away.
Here's something:
Seldom will you hear about us "Islanders" back East.
Seldom will a national weather forecast talk about the Mediterranean climate we live in here in the Cowichan Valley.
Seldom will newscasts report anything west of Vancouver and the Lower Mainland.

I suggest you do your research soon before another "End of Days" is upon us.
It could have a disastrous effect on the real estate value of your home, so you'll want to sell outside of a "biblical threat".

If Sodom and Gomorrah is Ontario- or even New Brunswick heaven forbid, Vancouver Island is surly "The Promised Land"!

Holy Moses!

Monday, April 16, 2018

ROBBLOG #714 The End of Days


Boy, it's been quite the nasty weather for parts of this wonderful country called CANADA.

Not here on Vancouver Island of course. No, we have been basking in double digit temps while planting our lavender, palms, banana plants and such. Unfortunately, some of you have seen rain, freezing rain, twenty to thirty centimetres of snow, ice pellets, high winds, Doug Ford ranting about being Ontario's next Premier and even more snow and freezing rain and wind.

It's been horrendous for Easterners to say the least.

So what the feck gives?
Think about it.
Cold, snow, power outages, accidents, the west bombing Syria, unusual April weather...
~pause~
For Goodness sakes People, it's the end of days as in the Prophecy.
You know- in the Good Book.

The date is nigh.
It's Monday April 23rd, 2018.
The day when thousands of you will be raised up to Heaven and millions of dead people- stuck in their coffins and whatnot underground for years, will accompany you.
Bleech.
It's not a pretty sight but once you have arrived in Heaven things will be hunky-dory and smell pretty darn good.



Now, those of us that don't wish to be a part of "The Rapture" and fly upwards on April 23rd should not feel left out. We are not lost- or to be pitied.
We will have 7 days or so- give or take, to come to our senses and fall to our knees to He who rules both Heaven and Earth.
You should know that He has plans on decreasing the surplus population if we don't see things His way.
Even so, it might not be such a bad idea to wait it out.
You know how these massive events can be...
People.
Noise.
Crowding.
Bad food.
Kids shrieking.
Assholes in front of you holding up the line, asking for better seats as you prepare to fly heavenward.

You should know that there'll be no First Class or Business Class as you fly to Heaven.
No window seats either. Every seat is a window seat.
It's all one contented class. All one BIG happy family.
It's what you have all been waiting for since time began.
Okay, maybe not that far back since the dinosaurs and early man don't count this time around but it is good news for those of you from Adam and Eve- or Adam and Steve, onwards.
You'll all be saved and fly equally.
By the way, I am not certain that you'll get air miles for this Rapturous Flight.

I have to come clean here. Perhaps, it's not exactly true that you'll all be treated equally.
You see, the Catholics- who practise the only true religion, will probably fly up front first as millions attempt what Sister Bertrille- Sally Field in real life, so ably accomplished on TV a few decades ago.

What a day this will be.
Monday April 23rd.
Circle the date on your calendar or make a notation in your "palm pilot".
The ends of days is upon us.
Good thing I didn't buy those Stampeders' tickets last week!
Oh My Lady- that was a close one!

So you all have a great and glorious day as you prepare for the inevitable and the "final" great and glorious day.

See you next time right here on my Blog...
or- maybe not...

Monday, April 9, 2018

ROBBLOG #713 Back to Bleeker Street


On Bleeker Street

A seemingly quiet, sunny Thursday Afternoon around 2:15 pm on Bleeker Street...

Jane: Holy Shite Blanche!!

~Blanche drives her wheelchair into the parlour where Jane is reading the Daily Rag, smoking a Players Plain Cigarette~

Blanche: Why, whatever is the matter Jane Dear?

Jane: This! This story here in the paper is absolutely disgusting. That's what it is. ~puff, drag, puff~ Plain, F&%#ing disgusting.

Blanche: What has you so upset in that filthy rag you're reading.

Jane: Blanche Dear, this rag as you call it ~puff, puff~ gives me wide variety of unbiased news and information!

Blanche: Oh Really...like what for instance?
~Blanche wheels back to the kitchen. Jane follows and sits on a stool~

Jane: Like this story right here on Page 11.


Blanche: This is the story that has you so upset I heard you screaming from the pantry cupboard.

Jane: Yes that's the F*^$ ing  story I mean Blanche.

Blanche: Well what is it Jane? Let me have it.

Jane: Oh Blanche Darling ~drag, puff, puff~ I would love to let you have it. I'd love to take that wheelchair you sit in like the cock of the rock and pound it to shit with a big sledgehammer!!

Blanche: Sister Dear, you say the nicest things! ~smirk~ So, what is it this time? Has the price of ciggies gone up- again?

Jane: Worse. This fellah in F^#+ ing England is giving his frostbitten toes to some bar up in the Yukon.

Blanche: Whatever for?

Jane: To use in a Gawd-Damned drink. That's what for. It's disgusting.

Blanche: Well, this time I must agree with you. The poor guy losing his toes...

Jane: Feck that Blanche! ~puff, puff~ What a perfectly good waste of Vodka!!

Blanche: Oh Dear. I should have guessed...

Monday, April 2, 2018

ROBBLOG #712 A Piece of Our Island

Holy Smokes People!

The Mister and I have been in Palm Villa here in the Cowichan on Vancouver Island for four months and already people are saying the nicest things!

Comments from- you have a beautiful home to your home is a "showplace", the accolades are coming our way already. I really must confess, I did not think we could outdo Pine Tree House back in Orillia, Ontario- perhaps we never will.

However, folks passing by are commenting on our lawn and gardens and of course our Windmill Palm. Our yard and gardens are smaller compared to what we had in Ontario but we are packing the plants in wherever there's a bit of space.
We must be on the right road.
We're hearing:
Lovely Gardens.
Lovely house.
Just lovely.

We have a red Muskoka Chair and matching wooden bench in a landscaped area just along the south side of the house.
How cozy.
How charming.
Nice red colour!
We are hearing all this and more.
I think colour wins the race and we love colour.

Brilliant Apple Red seating with bulldozer and Dirt in the background
Dale and Janet who cleaned our home before we took possession, stopped me this week as they were driving by to say they have cleaned almost every home in Stonewood Village and ours is the nicest inside.
How nice is that??
I don't now what this is based upon.
Interior colours?
Design?
Furniture?
Artwork?
All of the above?
Again it is so nice to hear.

We hope to get the rest of our Daylillies in the ground within the next week, The landscaper has to bring us more than a few shovelfuls of dirt to fill up our backyard first. In a couple of weeks our new year-round gazebo will be built. What a treat not having to take a canvas roof down every year as the first snowflakes fall. Here on the Island, these structures withstand Island weather- year-round.

Our Lanai. New construction in the background- from $520,000!
These days cherry blossoms, dogwood, azalea bushes and camellias are all out in bloom.
Colours of pink and burgundy, white and purple. A drive down city streets is absolutely beautiful. Throw in the brilliant yellow from forsythias and it's a feast for the eyes!

We still have more ideas for our gardens and we'll work hard at making them even better.

For many years we saw pictures of the beauty of springtime here on Vancouver Island but it is quite overwhelming to see it in person.

It makes one's heart sing.

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

ROBBLOG #711- Another Visit With the "Big Guy"


Time for another short chat with "The Big Guy" upstairs

~ ring, ring-a-ling!

Me: Hello there Sir, It's me Rob.

BG: Hello Rob. I know it's you.

Me: You do?

BG: Yes, I am Omni-present you know. I've told you that before. I am everywhere. I knew you'd be calling yesterday, so I cleared my desk of appointments for today at this time.

Me: Wow! That's amazing!

 
BG: Now Robbie- I can call you that can't I?

Me: Sure. Who am I to judge?

BG: I remember when you were just a little nipper your Mum and Dad called you Robbie. Good times. Anyway, what's with the ring-a-ling? I want folks to know that you and I are not communicating on a "real" telephone or we're not texting or facebooking. We are talking in your mind- right?

Me: Yes, of course. Have I led people to believe otherwise?

BG: Well, you know how easily people can be lead. I just wanted to make that clear. You know, a lot of people over the years have claimed to have talked to me.

Me: Like who?

BG: Well,  all of the Popes. That cute little gal at Lourdes and of course Andre Scheer and Doug Ford. And that's only a small list.

Me: I see. Quite a list. Gee, you must be getting really busy this time of the year.

BG: Oh Robbie, you don't know the half of it. By the way I saw your Dad- Walter, the other day and he says to say hello. He's doing good. Sends his love.

Me: That's nice.

BG: And your friend Sue. Sorry she had to leave all of you. We're just getting her settled in and she's still in a state of flux. The Angels are helping her along. She looks terrific in her new wings by the way.

Me: You always have a way of making me feel better.

BG: That's my job. Sometimes people let their minds get all muddled and confused- and angry. I am here to calm things down- if I'm asked of course. I never barge right in.

Me: That's nice of you. So Easter, eh?

BG: Yes. I still like Christmas best but I mean what's not to like about Easter with all that chocolate and bunnies and stuff.

Me: Oh, sure but I thought you'd be a little more involved with the religious side of the holiday?

BG: Oh I can be. If that's what people want- or need. I am not here to decide for anyone. People have to do that for themselves. I didn't make up religion- the earth folks did that. You let a bunch of men write a book and it creates a movement. It's happened many times over the centuries. I just sit up here and smile. Sometimes it gets a bit much and I get real sad ~pause~ you know...

Me: Really? You?

BG: Well the killings, the wars, the hate, the unnecessary things people say to each other. Look Robbie, it's a beautiful world and planet you have. Why fuck it up? I should have let women be in control. Wait, I mean women should have taken control. Look if a kd lang was the Queen of Earth, things would be much different. Or a Jann Arden. Without so much cussing of course.

Me: I guess men have started a lot of bad things in the History of the World- even today it continues.

BG: Not all men. Fellahs like Gord Downie or Justin Trudeau or even yourself have changed people's minds.

Me: Me?

BG: Don't tell me that you don't know all the good you've done and the example you've set for many Gay men and Straight folks alike. You lead the life you were meant to live. Wasn't that a theme at your wedding?

Me: It was. It was on the invitations. Nice that you remember that.

BG: Oye! I remember everything! Some days it's to much but you know what?

Me: What?

BG: Some day, way far away from now, it'll all be worth it. Then I'll only remember the good things because it will all be good. The world needs that. What did Jackie de Shannon sing? What the World Needs Now is Love Sweet Love.

Me: Hey! You like 60's music.

BG: Well, Rob. That's when music was music. I am not quite hip to this "hop" stuff but my Son tells me it takes all kinds to make a world.

Me: I guess he has some pretty bad memories to deal with this time of the year?

BG: How so?

Me: Well, Easter and all. Death and resurrection and such...

BG: Again Robbie-Bobby. Words in a book that mortals claim that I told them to write.

Me: Did you?

BG: Depends on what you want to believe. It's not up to me. Hey, you better get a move on. You and your husband Tom are going to Costco- aren't you?

Me: How did...I mean...you....

BG: It's that Omni-present thing again. So Robbie, time to turn off that little voice in your head and hang up now. It's been an absolute delight chatting with you one again and just one little thing before I toddle off to my Easter egg painting class...

Me: What's that?

BG: Not too much chocolate young man! You've gotta watch that "Girlish" figure of yours. Hah. Hah!

Me: Later Big Guy...

Monday, March 26, 2018

ROBBLOG# 710 Here Comes Peter Cottontail


OMG!
Here Comes Peter Cottontail!
It's Easter.


Sweet little bunnies, baskets of eggs, mouth-watering chocolate, new hats and outfits, spring flowers and thoughts of warmer days just ahead.

Then, there's the Christians.
Oh My Dears...
It's the time of the season to think about death, pain, torture and sin.
Then, more torture, blood, whipping, palms being waved in the air, a little more blood and a resurrection from being dead for three whole days-
In that heat?
Pee-Yu!

The Good Book has both Lazrus being resurrected by Jesus and Jesus being brought back to life by his Dad- The Heavenly Father, only to be seen first- in his resurrected state, by a Harlot who just happens to be the first recorded case of a "Fag Hag"... in my humble "Atheist" opinion.

Of course being brought back to life after being dead for a bit is "biblically balanced" by the Son of the Almighty being birthed by a young- possibly under 16 years old, Virgin child.

Now, if an alien were to be told some of these things their response would be-
"WTF??".
Of course the alien in question would have to be super advanced and see the humour in the situation especially when told that millions of earthlings believe in this stuff- many word for word.

So Easter.
Jerusalem is booming with both Christians and Jews flocking to the Holy City to be near to God. Many get carried away- quite literally, to hospitals. These folks get so caught up in believing this stuff that they fall ill.
It's call the Jerusalem Syndrome.
Wikipedia- where everything is true, describes the condition as- “A group of mental phenomena involving the presence of either religiously themed obsessive ideas, delusions or other psychosis-like experiences that are triggered by a visit to the city of Jerusalem.”

Psychology Today says - "People have been found wandering in the Judean desert wrapped in hotel bed sheets or camped in front of the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, convinced they will soon be birthing the infant Jesus."

For Jews the whole City of Jerusalem is a special place. From the Wall to the Dome of the Rock to the very air and sky. There's a belief that the sky and earth meet in Jerusalem.
Maybe just outside a local McDonalds.

I've been reading about some over-the-top believers saying they are actually Jesus or at the very least his cousin- the unwashed, fur-wearing John the Baptist. I haven't read anything- so far, of any gal convinced that she is Mary Magdalene, the "holy" trollop who hung around with Jeeze and the Boys.

It is a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World- isn't it?

Only last week we had a bible-thumping neighbour yelling bible verses down the street after us because I had said- "Not my Book, Not my Belief" to him when he first quoted something about trees and petroleum from the bible.

Fuckety-Fuck! (my new favourite expression)

Jesus- right after Mary Magdalene told a knock-knock joke
Maybe I am wrong here but I do not think the word "petroleum" is actually in the Bible, let alone verses regarding pulp and paper mills killing Canadian trees to make newsprint for European publications.
Am I wearing a tee shirt these days saying "Religious Zealots Pick On Me"?
Thank the Good Deity for having several Island Atheists living in close proximity. I mean we can dance naked around open fires swilling copious amounts of wine pretty much anytime we choose these days.
I am happy that I am not alone in my beliefs.
Not so much a "belief" as a "lifestyle"- you know like the Christians believe we Gays and Lesbians lead.

Christians can be the most judgemental of all.
Many thrive on it...not all.


Esther and Marge on Easter Morning in church for instance:

(Christ the Lord Has Risen Today being sung in the background)

Esther: "Oh Look at that hat June is wearing Marge. Looks like something outta the local thrift shop or dump."

Marge: "Yes, I do vow. Oh but she's a real tramp anyway.
 ~pause~
At least that's what Bertha Phillips over at the laundromat says. A different man every week but that hat- a real dog's Breakfast!"

Esther: "Praise the Lord, ain't that so..."


So Easter.
For those "Atheists" in the crowd, enjoy your chocolate and new shoes.
For all others, whatever turns your crank.

However, be careful and be smart- especially if you head out into the Saskatchewan Desert wrapped in a Motel 6 bedsheet looking for a vision from Andrew Scheer.

Friday, March 23, 2018

ROBBLOG #709- Seven is my Lucky Number


There once were a couple of boys.
Men actually...

Who decided to uproot and move away from everything they knew, loved and felt comfortable with.
They packed pets, pots, pans and paraphernalia and moved a long way away. So far away in fact, they found themselves living on an Island in The Pacific just off the west coast of Canada.

How romantic.
How different. Gas is $1.37!
Island life is slower.
The air is warmer. Winters milder and the ocean air adds a couple of years to your life.

These boys- now men, made the trip, settled down and grew new roots.
They are both very happy to say that today- Friday March 23, 2018 marks the 7th completed month of life here on Vancouver Island.

Of course, you have guessed by now that the men are The Mister and me.
I am not going to bore you with a repeat of everything I have told you on this Blog the past seven months.

What I want to tell you is that anything is possible if you want it bad enough.
Change is never easy but then staying stagnant isn't either.
I think we all get to a point where we just feel comfortable and we feel we have already changed enough. Just maintain the status quo day after day, month after month, year after year.
Don't ruffle feathers.
Don't do something unexpected.
I say- Poppycock!
Banana Oil!
Fuckety- whuckety, fuck, fuck that!


We walk a lot on our Island PHOTO CREDIT: Tina
Even I thought I was getting too old to change. I told friends and family that they'd have to carry me out of "Pine Tree House"- our old home in Central Ontario, in a "pine" box!
Yet, here we are seven months later completing seven months of a huge change.
I look at those words "seven months" and can hardly believe it myself.

If you are contemplating change and just maybe you are at this time of the year being a winter-weary Ontarian (or Easterner), I want to tell you that you can do it!

Yes, you will leave friends and family behind.
Yes you have to have stamina and nerve and some cash.
Yes, you have to look to the future and bury the past for the past is just that- The Past!
Time is fleeting.

There are three Ontario Couples living in this new development besides us. A couple from Woodstock- formerly Barrie and another from Burlington- formerly King City not far south of our old home in Orillia.
Others are from Winnipeg, Edmonton, Calgary, Kelowna, Vancouver and Victoria. One half of one couple is from the south- Mr. Cheezeface country. I don't know if he is still a Yank or not but he's quite funny and friendly.

It might be something to think about.
No pressure.
It's just the first step of many in the "rest of your life"!